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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| The Title is taken from Neil Young's song of the same name. As I look back in time with sober eyes, if only I had paid more regard to what I was doing to my brain, instead of focusing solely on the pleasure I received in the moment. Hindsight is not so wonderful now that it is too late to change past mistakes. Having to take medications that don't just filter the symptoms caused by my drug use, but limit me, sparking undesired effects like drowsiness, confusion, uncomfortable leg pain and simply going through the motions, rather than truly living this newfound life I have fought hard to achieve, wasn't a consideration. Are...regrets. I have always wondered about regret. Some say they have none, and I find it hard to fathom how anyone could go through life without at least one. Yes, I can see that if we were to change the course of our past, we wouldn't be where we are now. But surely, there have to be things we look back on and wish we had done differently. I know I have many of these moments and they are not just drug-related. I get that there is no sense pondering them, other than to revise the lessons to ensure we hold onto the positives we learned...which is the only thing I can see where regret has some benefit. We are a lot like Ameoba swimming around on a plate (ironic considering that's what we once were... allegedly), bumping into each other and thereby suffering and causing some damage, and yet, taking something away from the experience. Should causing hurt and pain to others be something we regret? When the fact is they also caused us hurt and pain before moving on. Is pain a necessity in life? Is it God's way of reminding us that we are still alive? Is pain and regret essential to our development as human beings? Does the saying, 'that which does not kill you makes you stronger' apply in all cases of human and chemical interaction? I am wiser now than at any time during my nearly sixty years on this planet, and I wonder if I would be as wise if I had not chosen to self-medicate, and instead, sought the help I am now receiving earlier. The reality is that no one knows what or where we would be if we had in the past, made different decisions. The butterfly effect comes to mind, where even the smallest of changes could make huge differences to our present...if we indeed had a present, considering the possible outcomes. To live each moment like it could be your last. Breathe and appreciate that small yet huge thing that few of us pay any attention to until we truly understand what that means. I could complain, but I am not going to. I brought this situation on myself. Sure, there were circumstances I could hold up and say that's why. I could use my present situation as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, something I have done so many times in the past. But, what use is complaining? Is the glass half empty? Or half full? Yes is the answer on both counts. I am so lucky to be alive after a lifetime of taking drugs that could easily have killed me. And so, given these words I write to gain clarity, I choose to look at the positives. I'm now under the guidance and treatment of someone I pray knows what they are doing. Someone I hope has my best interests at heart. I no longer need to dull my psyche to avoid feelings of regret. I'm no longer so bored that drugs are a better option than spending time alone...to avoid feelings of loneliness. I'm still alone, per se, but no longer lonely, and that is something I hold onto with all my might. Abandonment will come again. Regret will too. But these things have both positive and negative connotations attached, and it is up to me to choose which I focus on. |
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