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222 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Quiet  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful words, full of angst and regret, seeing the world in tones of grey and black. Everything decaying and turning to dust, because she died.
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Review by Alan Philps
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a beautiful and tender story, and so well told. Is it strange then that I feel sorry for the son? That he should be between the greedy wife and the compliant mother and end up killing a person he so obviously loved. A mother's love may betimes need to be firm, and at other times yeilding, but it should always have the child's best interest at heart. Thank you for such a thoughtful tale, and the uncompromising manner of its telling.
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Review of Lost and Found  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (5.0)
How wonderful. While reading this I shared your adventure. I was walking aongside you beneath the hot sun, staring at the houses, looking for that iron pillar. I breathed a welcome sigh of relief when Auntie beckoned. I took a deep breath before adjusting my stole and hoping onto the ancient scooter. Like you I wanted to give my kind saviour a token of my appreciation, but he was gone before I could act. Thank you for sharing this heart-warming moment with me.
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Review of The Time Machine  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?

A great moment in time, encapsulated in this sweet vinaigrette. We are swept along, expecting earth moving adventure, but then smile when Julius' satisfaction with his "time" machine is explained. Well done alphamale, I loved this.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I have to admit that this is a perfect little story in every way and I can't see any way of making it better. After all, it would have to be much more than just this basic type of time machine to warrent more words. If you have that sort of story locked up inside of you, I would sell my granny to read it. Right On alphamale! Or should that be write on?


Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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Review by Alan Philps
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
Fay has fallen sleep in her brother’s car and is woken up by a call on her mobile from Jack. Jack is very angry that a guy called Reinstein pointed a gun at his best friend’s head (hers?). Fay recalls a time at school when Jack traded blows with her ex-boyfriend Nick after Nick harassed her at a dance. Her protector signs off by promising to find a way to get Reinstein convicted for his threatening behaviour. Fay relates her conversation to her brother, and warns him that Jack expects him to keep her safe, otherwise...

Did anything interrupt the flow?
The first thing I stumbled over was;
“Jack said trembling and with gritted teeth”. Since this is a phone conversation she couldn’t see he was trembling or gritting his teeth, she could only hear his voice trembling and perhaps hear his teeth being ground together. “His voice trembled as he spoke.....etc
You also say:
“He had one of the cleanest mouths anyone had ever seen”. Are you talking about his oral hygiene at this point or his propensity for swearing? If the swearing, then just say that she had only heard him swear once before, and then move on to the flash back;
The only other thing I noticed was that some of the sentences seem rather wordy. I would recommend that you pare down your sentences until loosing another word would radically alter what you are trying to say. That is the point you need to be at.

Is there any way to improve this?
Reduce wordiness. Take the paragraph below. I have (removed) all the extra words which I think slow the story down. Compare this to your original paragraph and see which one you prefer. Has the shorter version lost anything vital to the story you were trying to tell?

Jack and Fay were best friends. They had met during freshman year, right after Fay had broken up with her boyfriend Nick. (for lying to her about being a Christian and then going off and sleeping with another girl) Jack had been a great comfort (to Fay) during that time. (without even really knowing it) They (Fay and Jack) soon became the closest of friends. A (Jack was closer to Fay then Kelsey or Matt, mostly because they had to focus on their relationship. In) fact that set tongues wagging (about the amount of time Jack and Fay spent together sent suspicion) among the student body that they were dating. Which, of course, they weren't. (but they were asked often about)

What did I like best? *Delight*
I really enjoyed the story’s premise, that a best friend could be so protective and riding to her rescue more than once. I have this feeling that there is more to this than meets the eye. I am intrigued how this will develop.

Overall Impression
The story is unfolding well in this chapter and I am intrigued about where it will go next. If you reduce the wordiness of some of the sentences and correct those minor POV errors, this will be a great read. Well done Narniafan

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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Review of Privileged  
Review by Alan Philps
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jwebz,
I liked this poem and it certainly struck a cord. I agree that we are a materialistic society and that governments and manufacturers are constantly encouraging us to throw away perfectly functional items to buy that new car, new clothes and all the rest of the knick knacks that we can certainly do without. After agreeing with you about your poem's message, I moved on to look at its construction. Although this poem doesn't have a regular rhythm or rhyme, I think it still works very well. My only suggestion would be that, " For you speak, And do nothing" would work better on one line - unless you have put them on seperate lines for a particular reason. I also feel in the third "verse" is not as full bodied as the others-

But you know what matters most -
And you say you give a damn,
For the world and its faults,
Yet it's all so, so sad

-The first three lines are excellent, punchy, to the point, while the last line sounds a little indecisive.
Otherwise I think this is an excellent piece with a valuable message. I hope you go one to write many more.
Welcome to WDC

{image # 1518016}
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Review of Looking Back  
Review by Alan Philps
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Looking back.
Kristi, this a beautiful poem. It is lovely to look at with its 4 line structure and the primary R...ing words standing proud of the explanations. With the centred alignment, to me the poem looks like ivy winding its way around a central pillar. The visual feast is further complemented by the reflections image, one that only adds to the poem's poignancy, given its final line. The rhyme and rhythm are strong, like much of your poetry, but the word choices evoke a delicate melange of gratitude and thanksgiving. The only word that can do it justice is…Exquisite, and it is just that. Thank you for creating such a wonderful masterpiece and for sharing with us all.
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Review of Wasting Away  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kristi,
Wasting Away
This poem has great solid rhyming, good word choices and an intriguing message. Although the rhythm varies from 6 to 7 beats a line, that doesn't matter, as the message in each line seems to pull the reader along. My only comment would be that for the seriousness of the poem's message, many of the terms used seem very general. e.g. "no reason to the rhyme".
It is possible that the despair and frustation of being the grip of addiction is still too fragile a flower for you to pull it out by the roots and examine what lay beneath. It is also possible that you the writer, had only intended to offer me, the reader, a tiny snapshot into the world you used to inhabit.
The encouragement I would like to offer here lies within that word. Courage is about taking difficult steps, not only in your life, which from the subject matter of this poem you obviously have, but also within your writing. This poem talks about finding a way back from drugs and crime, and offers others in a similar situation real hope. Now I want to I go rummaging through your port, hoping to find poetry that tells me more about that writer, wanting to share her thoughts on the life she once led, a one so very different to my own.
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (5.0)
My dues plus a little extra...but who's counting?
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (5.0)
Words from imagination contest is closed? Oh No!!

As an alternative to alliterative alphabets
Became bemused by beautiful basketry.
Cried cos cane couldn't curve.
Dropped doughnuts down Diane's drawers.
Even Ellen eviscerated 'er eggs
Furiously frying flapjacks for Fred.
Got given grey gumballs-gross!
Hope Happy Hamish'll hop here
in impish, indigo, iridescent inserts
Jauntily jangling Jane's jutting jugs.
Knowing kit-kats kill keen kids,
Little Larry licked lemon lollipops,
munching many magical mouth-watering marvels
not noticing novel no-calorie nosebags,
Often oggling oversized oval orios.
Perhaps pear pudding'll possibly pacify
questioning urge to quaff quantities,
rightfully rated as really rotten rubbish.
Surely sudden suspension of sweets suggested?
Too late, terribly troubled tummy trembles,
undulates, 'n unceremoniously up-chucks.
Vexed at vision of viscous viscera,
wails with whingeing, wallowing whines.
What eXactly did this eXpert eXpect?
You yearn to yell at yon youth
Zip-it!

*Smile*
anglophile
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Review of Just Build It Up  
Review by Alan Philps
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Of all of your song material this is my favorite. I can actually hear the song in my head with the chorus being short, clipped phrases. The "just build it up," is brilliant, I can even hear the notes, and the repetative beat of the tune.

Just build it up,
tum de tum tum
Just build it up,
Da da da te dee.
Just build it up,
Dum dum dum dum,
Just build it up,
and cross over to a better day.

GREAT STUFF, write on sister.
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Review of Rainbow World  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Flyn,
I really enjoyed the story, it looked at healing and aura reading powers in a slightly different way, which was great. The introduction was a little rambling in places and included the phrase "for once and for all ", which drew me up short. The same problem resurrected itself in the second to last paragraph. I also couldn't work out what "Guessing that was quite the compliment." was all about??? Perhaps I was being dim?
Otherwise this is an excellent story. You have the makings of a winner there. Well done, and go easy on the prism spinning.
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
This is a sweet little story of Jaya and her extended family on their annual visit to ???? It’s her cousin Dipu, that is the bane of her life during these trips, as she has to bear the brunt of keeping her entertained; and she’s one of these children who delight in their perceived fragile state. With all the adults and even her own brother, against her, Jaya gets her own back by suggesting things to Dipu, and letting her over active imagination do her work for her. When she “suggested” that the Lichee (fruit) flesh they were eating was reminiscent of frogs kidneys, Dipu’s bilious reaction earned her a telling off from her mother and a demand that she apologises. Jaya was determined to make Dipu pay for all the trouble she had caused, and when the next meal was proffered, a dish of kidney beans, she was very careful what she said. The result was a sickly Dipu, a self satisfied Jya, and a brother who was impressed by her subterfuge.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
There were some longer sentences where the subject of a particular section was not immediately obvious. E.g.
Dipu peeping out from behind her mother, a fold of the sari clutched tight, a millstone I wore around my neck every summer…What is the millstone, Dipu, her mother or the sari?

I hated having to look after the baby of the family; being a single child and the focus of attention, accustomed to praise from adults…At first I thought Jaya was talking about herself as being the single child and the focus of attention.

not ‘entertaining’ her; so sighs were stifled to inaudible levels and…whose sighs?

There were also a few small grammatical inconsistencies
“…the soil into clay-like consistency” Should this be ..the soil into “a” clay-like consistency?
“…A beaming cook greeting us weary travelers when we returned” Should this be…a beaming cook “greeted” us weary travellers when we returned..?

Is there anyway to improve this?
This is an excellent little story although I think poor Jaya was terribly put upon by everyone, especially the adults. Or at least she felt she was. I can feel how satisfying it would have been to hit back in some way. While I understand the concept of what she says about the Rajma, I did feel that the words she used were rather weak. I felt the phrase needed to be firmer to be the punch line of the whole story. I also felt it would have emphasised her victory if the rest of the children (and the adults too) dug into the Rajma with relish and cleaned their plates. This would certainly have added salt to Dipu’s wounds.

What did I like best? *Delight*
This sentence for me, encapsulated the whole story.
“I said nothing, silence is the hallmark of the plotting child”

Overall Impression
I loved this story and the elements of Indian life woven into the thread of its telling. As the reader, I felt very sorry for Jaya, and was silently cheering her on from the wings as she plots her revenge. Since she could have coped with Dipu by herself (it was the adult interference that made life intolerable) I wished she could have found a way to make them pay. Perhaps that was just a plot too far? *Smile*
Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
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Review of Mist  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review
This is a two verse poem entitled Mist.
I am not a great fan of poetry with irregular rhythm, however I really enjopyed this. I loved the imagery-Smoky trees, whitened skies, and the murky vision-describing the misty morning environment. The first verse speaks of a parable misted... a paradox twisted... the second talks of a gair eerily...a wait wearily misted by love, though it pains.
I love the word choices. My only criticism is in the last few words of each verse. Something beneath, something not (present tense) but entwined me (past tense)
I feel as if it should be "Something beneath, something not, but entwines me". I also think there is an extra THE in the last line of the second verse that you might want to remove.
Two verses are quite enough to tell of someone waiting in the mist, waiting wearily for a loved one, though it pains them, and always, something below (buried), something not, but entwines them.
A great poem.
Thank you Clemens.
Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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Review of The Sea Beacon  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
The Captain of the “The Lady’s Desire” is on deck during a storm, trying to keep his ship afloat. The seas are high, threatening to capsize his vessel and send it to the bottom. He prays to Poseidon for help. Soon afterwards he spots a light in the storm and more in desperation than hope, steers a course towards it. The light leads him out off the storm, and in the calm beyond he beholds a supernatural being, whose dress merges with the sea and who holds lights to guide ships to safety. She is the Sea Beacon. He bows his thanks, she tips her head and leaves.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
Aethelwhyne, this is a sweet story, inspired by a painting. One of the things that caught my eye immediately was the repeated use os key words. E.g. Captain is mentioned 5 times in the first paragraph. Many of the sentences begin similarly e.g. The captain, the ship, the crew. Or He…. knows, looks, turns etc. It is very noticeable.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I would suggest that you take a good look at your favourite author and see how they approach this problem. I like vary the start of my sentences in various ways.

e.g. A huge wave slammed him to the deck, leaving him soaked and chilled. Grabbing the railing with one hand, he waved frantically to the crewman at the wheel, pointing towards the distant lights. As the prow turned slowly into the wind, chasing that faint glimmer of light, the sky began to lighten…etc

What did I like best? *Delight*
I loved the final paragraph where he sees her and bows and she tips her head in acknowledgement. That was a nice touch.

Overall Impression
A sweet little story that suffers from repeated words and predictable sentence structure. Finding ways to vary that, would improve the strength of this tale immeasurably.
A great start.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
See detailed review sent through email system as a Word attachment.
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Review of Natural Order  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
This is a 40 lines poem, written in Quatrains with abab rhyming pattern for Project Write World. The prompt was the quotation “Do, as you would be done by”.
The poem starts with a butterfly sipping nectar from a lotus flower and in return, pollinating other plants. A pollinated seed begs the earth for its protection and in return promises that its roots will hold the soil back and prevent it from being washed away. The seed grows but water is scarce. A little child spills water from a jar, in return for the shade the growing tree offers. The tree matures and one day a man passes by and sees the fruit up high. He climbs the tree to take the fruit, but notices the trunk. Out with the ax, and the tree is down. Mother India cries out against such destruction, and points out that;
“We all gave and took in equal measure,” which was the natural order of things. She also warns him that if he didn’t adhere to the maxim, “Do, as you would be done by,” his world would be razed and his heart left empty.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
The poem flows beautifully, from one evocative image to another, the story unfolding like the leaves of a flower, until the final warning looms.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I may be very slow to choose,
even slower to write and say,
It takes time to think and rhyme,
to see and feel and weigh.

I ask can we improve this ?
Can it more brighter be?
Are there better words to use?
And better sights to see?

I’ve thought, pared, and twisted
I’ve looked from every side
No changes can I propose,
No defects can I spy

A seed is slowly growing
An idea that time will feed
Like vines entwined are we
Each other do we need

What did I like best? *Delight*
This is my favourite verse;

"Of course, child; why should you this welcome doubt?"
She cleaved and encased in a moist warm womb.
“I ask only that, when leaves and roots sprout,
Hold me tight, so pouring rain will not doom.”

It tells of mother earth opening her arms to the helpless seed, asking for its help at some future time.

Overall Impression
This is a very beautiful and lyrical interpretation of the prompt. Its expands the “all nations and ages together” theme, into one that looks at the circle of life on our planet and shows us how the health and happiness of human, animals and plants are all interconnected. We need to treat each other with respect, but also the earth and plants that sustain us. Well done Jyo.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
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Review of Grandfather  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Eric,
I loved this story and the interplay between the four main characters. I have to admit that I didn't pick up the reasons for the cyborg / human war very well at the start but after a while decided it wasn't important enough to worry about. The story held my interest all the way through, although it was hard going early on. Obviously that was where you were trying to build up enough background to get the story rolling. My only real regret is that I didn't know what Pira's taking over would involve, and what her role in the new society would mean, to her and the others of her kind. Otherwise a lovely little story, told well and which held my interest to well after midnight when I should have been in bed. Well done.
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)


Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
A sailor tried to get as close as he can to his hometown to see his wife. He gets a lift with a fellow seaman to a town called Frostburg, 2.5 hours away. Having been ejected from his friends house, he tramps the streets worrying how he’s going to contact his wife when she eventually arrives. After leaving a bar where he has taken refuge, the payphone in the street rings, and after a moment’s hesitation he answers it. It turns out to be his wife on the other end (in a payphone across the street) who had accidently mis-dialled his friend’s phone number. The story ends with him wondering if it was just a coincidence, or if God had taken a hand.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
This sentence from the beginning of the story “As I watched the snow piling up, I worried about her safety and couldn't believe the small town, as my buddy put it, spread out over several miles.” Is rather confusing. Later in the same a paragraph the sailor mentions phoning his wife. It would make more sense if he talks about watching the snow and worrying about her safety as she drives the distance between them, either after the phone call, or while he is drinking his coffee and waiting. I was surprised at the last paragraph to realise that his wife was in town with him. I think you need to make it clear at the beginning that she is driving over and he has to find a way of passing the time while he waits.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I liked the tight way this story was told, but did feel that the last paragraph was rather short. I think you could have included a few words about how surprised he was to hear his wife’s voice, and how grateful he felt that she was there, safe and sound, after that long drive in the snow.

What did I like best? *Delight*
I liked this bit “ I am not accustomed to answering ringing pay phones. I don't think I ever answered a ringing pay phone. That night I felt the irresistible urge to pick up the receiver. I grabbed the phone and said "Hello." It sounds like there was angel at his elbow prodding him to answer that particular phone.

Overall Impression
A very nice little story, told simply with an intriguing twist in its tail. Well done Perrotti.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
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Review of Silver Chimes  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
Alison and Tyler, fraternal twins, are devastated when their mother dies giving birth to Haley, their new sister. At school, their mutual grief draw them closer together and forms a barrier to keep others at bay. However, a new student, Alex, makes an impression on Alison, and when she goes into the forest, to be alone, she meets him there. They talk and end up splashing each other with water. Before she returns home, he warns her not to go back to such a lonely spot while a murderer is still on the loose. As she runs home she gets the strongest feeling that something awful is about to happen.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
Before I start Jessica, can I please congratulate you on the excellent presentation of your work. There are very few punctuation or spelling errors, and it lends your work an added sense of maturity. However after reading both the Prologue and Chapter 1, I would guess that you are much younger than your ability to write might suggest.
One thing that I noticed almost immediately are the issues with Point of View (PoV).
In the prologue someone is thinking about a change coming. You say “ A sigh escaped her mouth. Her eyes were wary.” As a writer you need to be very careful about who’s head you are in and what they could possibly see, think and experience. The person being spoken of in the Prologue, may have felt frightened, wary, of even nervous, BUT, only an outsider would have noticed if her eyes were wary. The same can be said of Alison. She can notice other people’s expressions, but she can’t see hers unless she is looking into a mirror. E.g. you say “She looked up from her schedule, her expression surprised.” It would be better to just say, “Surprised, she looked up from her schedule.”
You also say that Alison is 17, and then casually mention that she drives a Ferrari. When I read that I just thought, “WHAT! Doesn’t Jessica know how much a Ferrari would costs to insure if driven by a 17 year old?” Lets just say you could probably buy a brand new car for that amount. This may be fiction, but it has to be believable fiction. Perhaps the car is a 30yr old model, it was her mother’s and an old uncle insures it for her as a gift etc…I felt you might just as well mention she had two heads and no one ever stared at her because of it.
One other point I found faintly unbelievable was all these other students being incredibly insensitive as to harass two young people who had just lost their mother, by asking them out on dates. My experience would be that unless they didn’t know their mother had died (and I am sure their other friends would be only too willing to point this out) they would be left alone, until they felt able to talk without bursting into tears.
One last point. When Alison thinks about her father, she calls him Jonathon. This is a little strange. Even adults with children of their own refer to their parents as Mum and Dad, rather than referring to them by their Christian names. It could be that she’s been trained by her parents to call them by their Christian names since she was a child, but I think that would deserve a mention if it was the case.

Is there anyway to improve this?
As a writer, if you are going to write about something you have no experience of, then you need to do a lot of research. The old adage to writers, that they should write about what they know best, still holds true. However, you have a very mature writing style, and I am sure you have a story in your head that is just demanding to be put onto the page. I would recommend that you get one with that and write it all out and solve this other little niggles at the editing and polishing stage.



What did I like best? *Delight*
You wrote Alex as an enigma. That was great character development. He really intrigued me, and I found myself wanting to find out more about him.

Overall Impression
Excellent presentation and the beginnings of a really interesting story. Keep it up Jessica, but let's leave the Ferrari in the garage.


Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
A short story told from an unknown male’s viewpoint, about his hard luck life and the beers that make it easier. Down to their last $40, he and his girl try to make some easy money at the casino, but after loosing half of the money, they leave. In the car she cries but he feels that things will come right somehow. She pawns some jewellery and suddenly there is enough to pay the rent. Someone else pays back a $100, and they now have enough to live on till payday. He chews over the fact that they are just treading water, just making enough to get by, and yet out there, are the luckier ones, the ones living his life.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
There are a number of simple typo and punctuation errors but otherwise the story flowed very well.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I would recommend that Kid Stardust goes through his story with a fine tooth comb and gets rid of all the spelling and punctuation mistakes (privelaged > privileged, September (capital S)) because the story you are telling here deserves to be taken seriously.

What did I like best? *Delight*
I liked the fact that you haven’t given your couple names. The anonymity adds to the sense that here are two people struggling unnoticed, to survive at the bottom of the pile. They have a little, (a house, a beat-up car, jobs) but he sees the ones who don’t have to struggle as they do, and he wants that life. He puts his present situation down to his bad luck, and I think many of your readers would be able to sympathise with that.
I particularly liked the final paragraph, “I keep treading these waters. Drinking to forget and stretching every dollar.”
I think you have painted a picture that will ring true with a great many people, and you have done that by simply describing the situation they find themselves in and how he feels his luck has deserted him.

Overall Impression
I really liked this, despite its flaws. It is evocative of a certain position in life without being bitter, or ranting about it. There is an indefinable dignity to your hero. The story is beautifully conveyed in simple language. I loved it.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
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22
22
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?
What IS this piece all about? I have to admit Zack, that having read other stream of consciousness ramblings on this site, I reckon yours is one of the best. You start out as Thomas Jefferson (why not?) and after trying to stab someone in the face and finding out they’re a zombie (as ya do), you move on to blowing up the planet and flying through space on a rock. You even manage to find a love interest while fending off the attendant zombies (well you would, wouldn’t ya?). Then there’s the alien’s big scene, where you plan to take him out, but after talking to the guy, you find out he’s not so bad after all and only wants to rig the elections, so that Barrack Obama wins. Well we all know how that turned out!

Did anything interrupt the flow?
Interrupt the flow? On a mad rollercoaster ride like this? I was gripping onto the edge of my seat so hard, my knuckles were white, and my lips blue. It went from the American civil war to outer space, zombies and aliens, all in a quick paragraph or two.

Is there anyway to improve this?
That really does depend on what you want to do with this Zack. How about killer ninja origami, or faster than light paper darts?

What did I like best? *Delight*
Actually I rather enjoyed this, especially the little asides.
e.g Turns out he's a zombie (screw historical accuracy)…I thought they added a mad tour guide’s view to the passing, blurred scenery.

Overall Impression
I loved it. I thought it was crazy and zany and mad….*lurch* “You rang marrthster/”*slobber* -type mad. Now whether the other readers on this site would enjoy this sort of thing, I couldn’t possibly say. (Yahahahhh)

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them (as ya would anyway!). *Bigsmile*
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23
23
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
In a distant land, inaccessible to people from our world, a land full of fields and forests, there existed a temple dedicated to Lagen the god of creation. This land was ruled by an evil warlord called Shin, who seemed to take delight in terrorising his subjects and taxing them heavily. Shin had heard rumours about a strange warrior, and was wondering about how he could find him.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
Adam, you are very new to WDC, and perhaps it shows. You need to spend some time working out how to format text on WDC, especially if you are pasting from WORD.
Each line of speech should be on a new line. All sentences start with a capital letter. All real names (like Shin) should be written with a capital letter. I would recommend that you write your piece in WORD and do the spell and grammar checks there, before pasting the finished work onto your WDC port. (It should point out all the things I have mentioned above). When you do paste it onto your port, don’t forget to click -in edit mode, in section 6- preserve spacing, and preserve paragraphs, and it will give you the type of spacing that most of the other work in WDC has, making it much easier to read than the rather dense block of text you have now.

Is there anyway to improve this?
This is definitely a work in progress, but you have crossed the first and most difficult hurdle Adam, and that is getting the words onto the page in the first place. After that comes the protracted and agonising process of reviewing, editing and polishing. Turning that rough diamond of a story into a jewel of thought-provoking prose. This normally takes a while, with the process benefiting form the story being left for a while and the author returning later, to see it again with fresh eyes.

What did I like best? *Delight*
Strangely enough, I really liked this sentence. Shin walked back to his throne and sat with his hand on the side of his face and his index finger rubbing the temple it rested against This somehow made Shin sound more human, a real person, not a cardboard cut-out.

Overall Impression
As I said before, this is a good start. You will find however, that most readers find the errors in spelling and punctuation very distracting. So much so, that the story you are trying to convey, will get lost behind those distractions. It’s surprising how readers (who couldn’t write a story if they tried) pounce on every little mistake in the work they are reading. Clear out all of these and the story you are trying to tell will shine through. This beginning also sounds like you have a much longer story in mind. I hope you continue with the good work so far and get it onto the page, while its still fresh in your mind. Its only after that, that you can really start working on it. Until then, keep up the good work and “write on”.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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24
24
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
I’ve read very quickly through chapters 1 to 3. In the first chapter a wounded unknown warrior is listening to the sounds of fighting at the outer gates. As he lies dying he becomes aware of a female voice telling him to wait. In chapters 2 and 3 James wakes up in a strange hut and is looked after by a woman, who spends her day tending her garden.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
After only three very short chapters, there are a lot of questions, which draws the reader into the story (looking for answers) but also makes you wonder “What on earth is going on?” Assuming James is the warrior from chapt 1. I would have thought he would have wondered where his armour went, and what happened to the keep and to his comrades in arms, but we don’t hear about anything about that. I somehow doubt that any warrior would have just laid back (no matter how wounded he was) and let the world turn as it would.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I like what I have read but this is still a work in progress. There are a number of basic grammatical errors, which need correcting. The most obvious one is the way you punctuate your speaking lines. E.g. You have written “You have a nice hut.” He said, nearly biting his tongue. This would normally be written “You have a nice hut,” he said, nearly biting his tongue. Have a look at your favourite paperback, and see how its done.
In addition the first sentence, the lynchpin of your story, is rather…strange.
In a chamber void of light, a warrior lied in defeat, with his armor scrapped and flailed about the stony floor and his battered sword held limply across his chest.
“a warrior lied in defeat?” – was he telling lies? If he was on the ground, it should read “a warrior lay in defeat”, perhaps it might even sound more dramatic if “a warrior knelt in defeat”. What did you have in mind when you wrote “with his armor scrapped and flailed about the floor”. It sounds as if he was lying on the floor and doing one of those snow angel impersonations, flailing about so his armor scrapped across the flagstones.*Smile*. Of course I could be wrong, because that concept doesn’t seem to go with “ and his battered sword held limply across his chest. I think it would be rather difficult to do snow angel impersonations with a sword held limply across your chest. *Bigsmile*. I do think this first sentence needs work to accurately paint the picture you obviously have in your head. The image of a battered, defeated warrior; his armour dented and torn, his wounds bleeding onto the floor. He feels his body failing as he listens to the distant sounds of battle…and waits to die.

What did I like best? *Delight*
Despite the problems with the punctuation and some of the word choices, I do like the story, and I feel myself being drawn on regardless. I feel this is a story worthy of taking a lot of time over, getting the word choices spot on and the punctuation error-free.

Overall Impression
This is a good start to a very interesting story. I would recommend that the author, having gotten the story onto the page, now spends some valuable time revising, editing, and polishing it, until it gleams. Well done so far, and good luck with it.

Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with the original version.
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25
25
Review of Over You  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review
*Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4* *Star* *Balloon4**Balloon4**Balloon4*
What is this piece all about?

Sasha throws a party and an old friend comes along, one she hasn’t felt comfortable with for a while. The friend insists on a little girl talk in a group. That’s when Sasha realises that she had outgrown this girl, that she really wasn’t her friend any longer, and felt better for it.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

This was a very well written piece. It is written in a more mature style that the subject matter would have led me to expect. I was however, intrigued about the importance in the story of Summer. She is mentioned several times and her entrance effectively closes the girl talk session, but nothing is said about her other than Kim didn’t trust her. A few more words (perhaps she is good-looking, is still dating Jordan etc..) would give her a more 3 dimensional character. Otherwise she seems to be nothing more than a convenient plot device.


Is there anyway to improve this?
I think you should be very careful about starting sentences with “And” and “But”. There were a few places where they should really have been lower case, and used to join the sentence fragments either side, together.
Also, the very last sentence didn’t see to sound right.
“And I hadn’t felt better in weeks.”
I think it would sound better if you used a positive rather than a negative phrase. E.g. “And I felt better then, than I had in weeks.
Other than the points mentioned above, I don’t think there are any other ways this could be improved upon.. As presented, it is a very nice, poignant study of an everyday situation. Throughout our lives we are faced with realisations that the people we had once felt close to, have moved on, or we have moved away from them. This can lead to dropping people from our Christmas card lists, or even to getting a divorce. Perhaps this all starts at school when we look at friends we had been so involved with one year and realise that we don’t have anything in common with them any more.

What did I like best? *Delight*

I liked the way the show-down between Kim an Sasha was portrayed.
“Kim laughed.
“Wow! Cold, Sasha!” she laughed.
It took Kim a minute to see that I wasn’t laughing, that my frown was as hard as a rock.
Yep, I’d changed. Three years ago I wouldn’t have been brave enough to say that to her. But Kim helped me find myself, and she helped me grow a spine. Now I had enough courage to leave her behind me”
This sounds very dramatic, and has a few nice light touches about Sasha's growth as a person.

Overall Impression
I really enjoyed this. I have to admit that when I started reading I thought, “Oh no, more teenage angst.”, but the writing was good enough to draw me a long to the end and entertain me when I got there. Well done Secily. Great stuff.

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