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26
26
Review of The Fairy  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
Paddy anad Mary live in a quaint cottage close to a stream. One day they happen upon a fairy caught in a trap, they release it. When it tries to reward them with gold, they won't take its coins. Later when Mary develops cancer, Paddy is devasted and considers taking his life and joining her. As Mary lies dying he sees the fairy again, only this time it is trying to give him some sort of stick creature that looks vaguely like his Mary. He runs away. The day after Mary's death in the hospital, he gets ready for his last day on earth only to find that the stick creature had been transformed and now looks and sounds just like his darling Mary.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
Not at all this is a very professional piece of work

Is there anyway to improve this?
I found the description of the stream a little confusing in one place.
"the river meandered like a long drop of dripping golden syrup to the carry to tumble white over the moss covered green rocks to the lower water."
I am assuming that a CARRY is something in a stream. However, I also assume that there are a few missing commas in this sentence, as it doesn't make a great deal of sense as it stands.

What did I like best? *Delight*
I like the sense of disgust and horror that Paddy feels towards the fairy and the "body snatcher" impression you get of the creature the fairy has made. It started out as twigs but ends up looking and talking like Mary. If he had any sense at all, Paddy would run a mile!!

Overall Impression
A delightful piece of fairy horror (if such a genre exists). I have awareded it a 5, no improvements necessary (other than a few judicious commas). Excellent work, it deserves to be published. Well done Jackieboy!

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27
Review of I'm drowning...  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
It starts with the experience of being unable to breath, before developing it what the reader can plainly see is the birth of a child.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
At the beginning you are deliberately giving the impression of someone being under water, however, the way this individual thinks, e.g. [He really was going to die. Oh sweet heaven, his life was ending here, trapped between salvation and damnation. "No! I will not die today!" he thought, as he kicked, desperately trying to reach the surface.] is more reminiscent of an adult's thought process than that of a new born, or of any child under 12 months. Its important to the story to maintain the illusion of someone older drowning, one that you try to weave into the early part of the story. Its all the more delicious for the reader to realise they've been tricked, or rather led astray by the author, as the final part reveals the truth. However, while the early writing can give the impression of someone older, it still has to stand up to scrutiny of the reveal (the ending). In this case, I would say that its doesn't. Consider the extract above. "Oh sweet heaven" is an adult phrase, as are any thoughts involving "salvation and damnation". The description of physical activities, kicking, breathing, light, etc are all good, but you need to be very careful about including anything that a new-born would have no real concept of.

Is there anyway to improve this?
Normally speech, or thoughts, in quotes, are put onto a new line. Check with any of the paperbacks on your shelf. This is especially important in WDC where the text in the reading pane is so small, the reader needs all the help they can get trying to read the tiny writing. Unfortunately yours is quite a dense block of text as it is presented here, so hard to read.
The final line also caught me by surprise. He was lying in the Gentle One's arms and yet someone was saying, "May I present..." I had to re-read it again to try and see where I'd slipped up about who was really holding him. If he is in his mother's arms, perhaps you could just say, "Mrs. Hart, you have a lovely baby boy"?

What did I like Best? *Delight*
I liked the the surprise. The illusion that someone older was in trouble, but that was not what you were really writing about. However, as I've said before, I think you need to modify some of the writing a bit.

Overall Impression
Excellent work. It's a well written piece but uses a few too many adult references throughout to maintin the illusion of these being the thoughts of an infant. A few could be left to help that earlier illusion, but I would recommend you choose them with care. Keep up the good work.

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28
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
Arika and Andrith fight to the death, with Arika being killed. This parallels a battle of sorcery and blades between the Chaos Revenant and Siranov. Siranova is saved by Lithia. Andrith doesn't have time to gloat over his triumph before Korit recovers and kills him. In the end Lithia and Siranov come to an uneasy accommodation. After Karad's cremation, Siranova, the shadow blade wielder is granted a vision of Arika, in her golden armour with her sword judgement in her hand, as an archangel.

Did anything interrupt the flow?
There were multiple shifts of points of action, in this fairly short extract, incorporating at least six characters, a battle and numerous other names individuals, which made reading this piece in isolation very bewildering. However, if I concentrated very hard, and read it all several times over, I could see what was going on and who was trying to kill who. Although I still have no idea who Karad was.

Is there anyway to improve this?
I am assuming that this is(as it says in the title) a concluding part of a much longer piece. However, I think it could be improved by increasing the length of the fight scenes with the main characters, in order to fix the reader's attention with regard to the importance of what they are doing. There is an awful lot of action, chopping and changing of scenes and different people involved in fights and battles, and all of this condensed into very few words. For slow witted readers like myself. I would appreciate being led slowly through the whirling maelstrom that is Shadowblade Part 3. The Conclusion.
What did I like best? *Delight*
I really enjoyed the descriptive writing of the fight scenes, but there wasn't much of anything else described here to compare it with. However, the rather abrupt "Korit buried his dagger in Andrith's brain with an almighty scream", made me shudder.

Overall Impression
I have to admit that I enjoyed this but would have appreciated a more leisurely stroll rather than the short, frantic, rollercoaster ride I got. I felt the story at this point deserved to be explored in greater depth, and I would have enjoyed hearing more about the characters (their thoughts and dreams) and less about their fighting styles.
This is only my own opinion, and you are quite within your rights to ignore it completely, but doesn’t asking for more to read, indicate that I’m a fan? I hope that you’ll go on to expand this epic into feature length proportions. Well done so far.

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29
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?
A young man sets off on an adventure, to the nearby haunted castle. He is warned that dark deeds might overtake him it he does so, but he persists. An old man takes pity on his foolishness and gives him some good advice. At the right moment he remembers this advice and is saved from a fate worse that death (always wanted to say that!)

Did anything interrupt the flow?

Some of the phrasing was long-winded and a bit heavy. I am sure medieval authors got to the point quickly on occassions. Remember Chaucer? He didn't dally when it came to telling a ribald tale or two.

Is there anyway to improve this?

I can see that you used some rather old fashioned words, which is quite understandable as you say this is set in medieval England. As it took me a while to get into the voice of this piece of writing, the only suggestion I could make would be for you to go all out in the early sentences, drawing the reader into this old English/ medieval environment. I also felt that some of the rhymes he had to learn were a bit long. I think I would have been able to remember shorter ones much better (just to check he'd got them right!).

What did I like Best? *Delight*

This whole piece had an aesop fable feel to it. It's quite experimental in its way. I loved the rhymes you made up. I thought they were very sophisticated.

Overall Impression

I think with a little bit of tidying up, (shortening some of the longer phrases, and making the speeches flow better), this could become a real classic. I loved it. Well done.

Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review
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What is this piece all about?

It's a stream of consciousness experiment entitled the Squeegee Chronicles, where strange sounding characters get up to even stranger sounding adventures.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

Hmm, Watrbuffalo, I can see where this first started, and I can also see that you have enjoyed developing this theme to its limit. It reminds me a bit of sponge bob square pants (of which I am not a fan). I am sure there are folks out there that love this sort of thing, but I am very mainstream in my tastes. I like characters I can relate to, and stories that develop organically. This is all a bit fragmented and erratic for me.

Is there anyway to improve this?

Its a unique form of writing, but not to my taste.

What did I like best? *Delight*

The first three or four lines, after that I really struggled to keep up.

Overall Impression

Stream of consciousness pretty much sums it up. If you are not standing right in the middle of that particular stream, I doubt you can see what's going on.
However, I'd certainly like to pat you on the back for trying this type of experimental writing. Its not everyone that has your courage. Have fun while it lasts. (LOL) "And the stove pipe rolls away."
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31
31
Review of Willow Creek  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review
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What is this piece all about?

An old lady in a home tells a young carer about her early life and gives her a ring.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

The writing was beautifully descriptive throughout; however, people don't normally talk to each other in that way. I found Mrs Westcott's recollections rather stilted and formal.
e.g.“I ran outside and down the street letting the snowflakes land on my bare shoulders and melt. The only sounds I could hear were my heeled shoes clicking with every touch to the sidewalk."
I would have thought that anyone recounting how their beloved died would have missed out all the flowery bits.
e.g.
.“I ran outside and down the street. The only sounds I could hear were the sounds of my own feet." The shorter sentences gave this a sense of urgency


Is there anyway to improve this?

I think simplifying some of the speech is all that's needed.
In the last few sentences, we also hear about Karen reading a piece of paper with the date of Mrs Westcott's death. Perhaps I'm being dense but I couldn't find any dating evidence to put that information in context. I would like to think that she died not long after giving Karen the ring, but I couldn't find any clues that pointed in that direction.

What did I like best? *Delight*

I loved it all. I loved the structure of the writing. I loved Mrs Westcott, although we didn't hear an awful lot about Karen. I loved the handing over of the ring and Karen's musing on it at some later date. The descriptive writing was first class.

Overall Impression

A sweet, heart-string plucking piece of writing. Well done. Keep up the good work Vkio.
Anglophile

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Review of Goners  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?

It's about someone who dares himself to drive off the edge of a cliff...and then does it.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

Strangely enough the writing flowed very well. The early conversation between the two occupants of the car was well written, but then I got to the last few sentences, and I stopped dead and went ...Uggh?
I read the piece from beginning to end about six times , wondering why I was being so stupid. Then I got it!

Is there anyway to improve this?

Once you've worked out what is going on then I would have to say, I don't think there is anything that needs doing to it to improve it, other than give numbskulls like myself a little more of a helping hand with the clues.
I am not telling you review reviewers the punch line, work it out for yourselves (LOL)

What did I like best? *Delight*

I've got to be honest, this is my favorite bit. As ASR as it gets heh? (Chuckle)
"SAY YOUR PRAYERS FRIEND!!!'
"YOU CRAZY *%^*&*!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Overall Impression

This piece is a great bit of fun. I gawked, I puzzled, I got it, I laughed at myself and then I re-read it and laughed all over again. Its great fun and rather clever (well cleverer than me anyway). Thanks for sharing Kuku.

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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review
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What is this piece all about?

Two young men try to preevnt a death by travelling back in time.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

Huggy bear: You've admitted that grammar and spelling are not your strengths, (not mine either) but despite the obvious deficiencies I really enjoyed what I read. Knowing that this was a long piece I started reading AFTER the girl's death. I got hooked by the story and am sorry that you don't intend to finish it. I would love to know how it all turns out.

Is there anyway to improve this?

Correct the grammar, remove the over-writing and intoduce a little bit of description. However all this only colours the story line, supporting the overall reading experience. No amount of great writing could ever make up for a totally uninteresting plot.

FINISH THE STORY!

What did I like Best? *Delight*

The two characters seem very believable, and likeable. The reader (me) wants them to succeed.

Overall Impression

I was very happy with the middle of this story. Desperately wanted to read to the end though.
Where is it??

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Review of Laced Chocolate  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review
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What is this piece all about?

A woman who has been with a man for a number of years is looking forward to having that special talk, until she realizes that he wants to leave her. Then I think he wishes he'd skipped town without saying anything.

Did anything interrupt the flow?

I really enjoyed the story but wasn't sure about the style of presentation. If it had been presented as a short story, I would have expected the speaking lines (which most of this was) to be in quotes. If you wanted to present this as a play (with only one speaking part), I would have expected it to be formatted in that manner. This seems to be a mixture of the two, which leave the reader feeling somewhat distracted.

Is there anyway to improve this?

As the author its up to you how you present your work. As a reader I can only say, I would prefer it in a standard format so I can concentrate on the story and not on the formatting.

What did I like Best? *Delight*

Actually, I liked the way you've presented this, almost as a one-woman play. She seems giddy with joy at the prospect of being asked that all-important question. I did think however that she needed a bit more time to swallow what she'd heard and to become indignant, before moving into slightly flakey territory, which culminates in the shooting. Good stuff

Overall Impression

Good writing, very enjoyable. I hope you also enjoyed the creative process, and plan on sharing more of your writing with WDC readers.

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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there Mary the Fairy,
I just dipped into your challenge, hope you don't mind. I just thought I'd write and say how much I enjoyed it. Its a lovely little stand-alone piece. I imagine that many of these pre-story encounters will be. I could tell you to have fun out there, but I'm sure you already are.
Good luck with NaNoWriMo
Anglophile
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Review of The Ice Artist  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
MetroidPrime
I read the first part of this story with a great deal of respect for your chosen style of writing.
Akaton's voice as he replayed his recollection of the days events, was short and jerky and at times, you missed out words. This gave Akaton an almost automaton sound, definately the voice of something that was not human (a soft). e.g. "The appall of the higher classes were clear, even if an Aka, me, was the step below Kui."
However when it came to describing the action scene, you have reverted back to what I would call normal writing prose.
e.g. you say "as I ripped my useless forearm off and flung" and "But I hold my ground, launching a fist into her stomach."
I am not sure if the short jerky feel of the first half of the writing was deliberate. I hope it was because I really enjoyed it, but I can see how this style of writing might be difficult to maintain throughout (assuming this will be part of a longer piece).
The only thing I can suggest is to keep the sentences describing the action short. e.g. -"I ripped my forearm off. I flung." and "I hold my ground. Launch fist into her stomach."
or
write the first part in normal prose as well.
Otherwise, the way you have introduced the main character leaves me wanting to find out more. This is a good peice of writing with its own unique voice. Thanks for sharing.
Anglophile
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Review of Idaris  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
AliceNgoreland,
Hi Alice.
I just wanted to say that I was very impressed with this piece. I love science fiction and fantasy, so was intrigued at what you could get for your money in 300 words. I read down to the very last sentence before feeling that the story had been truncated in any way. I would have loved to hear more about the sacrifice, but what more can you do in 300 words?
Excellent!
Anglophile
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Review of Thou Shall Not  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Kati,
This is a beautiful piece of writing, written from the soul. Its almost as if we were standuing in Rebecca's shoes, making this life changing descision with her. To choose a life that she hasn't had much preparation would have taken a great deal of courage. You have cleverly included that aspect of her choice in your writing.
The subject and the way you have dealt with it shows amazing sensitivity. I could almost belive that this happened to you. You have a great talent, please nuture it.
All the best in your future writing endeavours.
Anglophile
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Review of The Gaunt Slayer  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)
Willow,
I really enjoyed this short story. Your descriptive writing is excellent. I could feel your character's fear when this creature first appears and his terror when he realises she is going to kill him and he can do nothing to stop her.
I am just wondering if it would have helped the story if in the opening section where he tells us he is dead and in the afterlife...if you could have him saying that he's trying to find a way back, and that it would have to be linked to the way he died. That would then automatically lead you into the re-telling of the death scene.
This would keep the tension going (since you've already revealed the ending - he died) and gives the reader hope that this terrible tradegy can be undone somehow. How you write that last line is then up to you. Does he come back? Or doesn't he? As the writer, you are in charge of his ultimate destiny.
This is just a suggestion; the story is yours to control.
Have fun and write on!
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)
Natalia, hi there.
Hmm, you've really put me on the spot here! One of the objectives of the reviewers on this site is to encourage aspiring writers in their craft, or to read and appreciate their various life experiences or their fictional creations. If this piece is a real-life rant about how much you hate your geometry teacher, then I would be very cautious about commenting on its content and tone. It was however well written, with an impressive assemblage of correct grammar and spelling.

If this is a piece of fiction however, there are a number of comments that I feel might be useful.
You give an excellent impression of the student's feelings of superiority, their boredom and their impatience with the lumbering intellect of the teacher in front of them. However, while these sorts of emotions could be expected from someone with little experience in life, the vocabulary used (interlude, obnoxious, monotonous, intolerably languidly etc) is not one we would ordinarily associate with a student. I think it would be useful in the early lines of this piece to establish why or how this particular student has such a mature grasp of the english language. That would then give some weight to the sense of their own superiority, and the rather pompous way that he or she seems to think. You could even add a twist in the tail where that very sense of superiority is their undoing in some small way.
I hope this review helps you in your story writing.
Well done so far
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ben,
Thanks for the explanation about the rhyming variations you've used in this piece, but to be fair, I just liked it as it was.
I'm not a great poetry fan, although I do occassionally scan the poetry submissions and dip my toe in the waters as it were.
However I really enjoyed this.The interplay between the sisters was like the slices of bread in a layered sandwich, with the summation of her various dates, the different fillings.
Well done. A very clever, lightly humourous and thoroughly enjoyable bit of writing.
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Michael,
I really enjoyed this. It was a longish piece but the writing flowed, pulling you along, making you wonder. Not only about poor old Auntie May, but also about Grub. The characters are wholly believable, especially Auntie May and Sam {never swelling the bloated coffers of Mammon-LOL}. I also enjoyed the feeling you injected into your writing that for someone out of work, signing on can become an important part of their life. Its where they meet people, sometimes the same people every week. Its a place where superficial friendships blossom with characters you wouldn't normally speak to.
Some of the story lines seemed to wander a bit but that was fine, adding to the sense of aimlessness that ran through this whole piece. A mature peice of writing, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Anglophile
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Review of No Path  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Natalie,
I really liked this...until the very last line.
The words up till then refected the desperation some people have reported feeling before trying to take that ultimate step. A sense of worthlessness, the feeling that they have failed repeatedly. That its too difficult to go on pretending. Good words, "indecisive, stressed, over analysed".
Unfortunately, the last word of this very capable poem just doesn't fit the story so far. Everything else has a musing dreamlike quality, where the word SUICIDE!, had a bloated, plastic, feel.
Its up to you what effect you are after here, but if you were to continue in that musing, dreamlike voice, I would have expected the poem to end something like,

Torn
Indecisive
Desperate, for answers
For a sign
Till finally,
Only one path remains,
No path
but a lonely, winding end.

Just a thought.
Cheers
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Apriori,
A very nice, informative piece. Well written, with excellent examples, although I thought the information gleaned from the interview revealed a rather one-dimensional character, but in that form it probably served as a better example.
I remember reading once that the author should know more far more about his character than is ever committed to the page. When I started working on my characters, I started looking through magazines, selecting pictures of how I thought they might look and pasting them into a scrap book with their names and different traits listed alongside. It helped immensely until I got them firmly fixed in my mind. It wouldn't do to describe your hero as having fair hair in the first chapter only to talk about him raking his hands through his dark hair in the last.
A nicely written piece, thanks for the advice.
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.5)
Lia,
I love this. There's a lot of thought thats gone into these lines. I particularly liked the reference to the bird in the hand- very clever.
It makes me feel that the writer has been cruelly disappointed in the past but can see that happiness is still there for the taking, she only has to look at the faces that surround her. It shows a wonderful, positive attitude to life.
Keep up the good work hon.
Ann
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Tinkerbell(Lia)
I wasn't a great lover of poetry before joining WDC, but since I've been dipping into everyone's sybmissions, I have found some wonderful, evocative stuff and my lost enthusiasm has been re-awaked. I really liked Excitment of the Day, and I can see exactly what you were trying to say. That staying at home and looking after the children is an adventure in its own right, and that each day can be jam-packed with incident.

There are a few comment I could make to help you improve it though.
1) Take care with the spelling. Put the whole thing through a spell check before posting it on the site. Copy it to WORD and spell check it there if you can't work out how to do it on WDC (writers.com). See what I mean below;

Dishes pilled up on the sink, ..piled.. pilled refers to pills
And even the telly's on the blink,
Sitting by the open fire place, fireplace is all one word
Watching a burning log and feeling ace,
Drinking hot choclate and getting warm,
The budgie's sitting close eatting corn, ....eating..., not eatting

I had a feeling, but I could be wrong that you a few problems with the following couplet:

Sitting by the open fire place,
Watching a burning log and feeling ace,

The second line seems longer than the first, although you've kept them all of very similar lengths up to that point. I see that you've used fire and tire a few lines further on, so you'll need something else here. What about;

Sitting by the open fire,
Watching the flames and feeling fine,

I'm not really any good at poetry but its just a thought.
I really enjoyed this piece and will be looking through your other work from time to time.
Please keep on writing,
Anglophile
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Review of Unreachable  
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Crystal,
Another good piece of writing. Its an interesting tale, nice length with a good ending (most important). I just have a little concern with the believability of a situation where two people apparently love each other and aren't prepared to do anything about it and let other's dictate their happiness. For example, If I were Kayla, at the end I would have rushed right over to Tristan, yelling "I love you I love you, lets run away together", not sit at home crying into my coffee. I think you need a burning bridge in there somewhere, and that is why he can't see her again, and that is why her grief at the end will be so much more believeable. Upsetting wedding plans, hell, hundreds of young men and women do that every day.
Just one more thing, I really don't think the "F" words help, they make Kylar sound brassy and not very likeable. Surely you want your readers to empathise with Kylar?
Otherwise it's a very good bit of writing. Keep it up
Anglophile

"The last time I had with my love life, they had been wrong"
That doesn't sound right, prehaps you had meant to say "The last time I had trusted them with my love life, they had been wrong"?
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Just this Girl,
This was a longer piece than I expected, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I liked the short sentences, giving the writing a rhythm and pace of its own. There was a lot of repetition, which added to the writing's musical, rhythmic quality. I loved all the Bangla references, even about the tea seller not being very clean. It gave the piece (to European ears) an exotic feel.
My only comment was that after allt hat reading I would have liked an ending that was a little more revealing than "You dig, I don't". To me, those last few words seemed to turn something that was self exploratory (up to that point), into something that was a throw-away, a mere indulgence. This is an excellent piece of writing in the main body; it needs an equally good last sentence.
Anglophile
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Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Rimbo,
This has been a difficult piece to review. In general, I liked it a lot but there were several areas that I thought made things confusing. Could I recommend that the letters are addressed (to his wife) and signed (from him) the same way throughout. I don't think it helps the story that its different in each one. It only made me refer back to the beginning to make sure it was the same chap talking to the same woman.

I like the idea of using the diary and letters, but perhaps in the first letter he should gloss over the danger after all he doesn't want to upset his wife. After that perhaps he could reply to the rumours she has been hearing from traders etc? In the diary (date and place at the top of this section perhaps?), since its for his eyes only, he could be more realsitic about the transfer and what he feels will be the dangers involved.

My only other comment would be about the final section of this work. If the General and his vampire army had been fighting the enemy before, what has changed to make them attack their own side now? That seems strange.

Otherwise a good story that has been interestingly presented. Hopefully, clearing up all these the various confusions will only add to the main thrust of the story.
Anglophile
50
50
Review by Alan Philps
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sara,
You probably don't need me to tell you that you have real story-telling skills. This first chapter is densly written and very gritty, quickly laying down the background details while still leaving plenty unsaid to intrigue the reader and entice them into reading the following chapters. When the following chapters do become available I'll read them (and review them if you wish). I'll be looking particularly for changes of pace (Its hard work reading nose-to-nose agression on every page), character developement and instances of good descriptive writing. Rock on sister!
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