Here is the first of my reviews from the Genre Auction and Fundraiser:
This story really caught my interest. I'd like to know more about the woman who sat in prison for thirty years for a crime she did not commit and the husband who stuck by her the whole time.
For that reason, I think this story needs to be expanded. It would be interesting to know who was killed, why Janette was blamed and convicted, the identity of the real guilty party, and how the truth finally came out. It would make a great mystery story.
Watch out for comma splices, or stringing sentences together with commas. Here is an example:
"Janette lay there, no wrinkles of agony on her face anymore, she was at peace, even the sun seemed to brighten her features as it shone."--This would be better broken into two sentences after "anymore".
This is a cute story. I like the character and I like the way it ended. You probably should change the rating because you can't mention death in a story rated E. You might also want to put it in different genres than "other" so it will get more readers. Fantasy and comedy would probably be appropriate.
Hi
Here is my review of your entry in Beyond the Water's Edge. Thanks for entering.
This is really cute. It would be a good entry for my other contest "Twisted Tales" because the ending is a surprise. I live in Grand Forks, ND which is even colder than Minneapolis, so I know how she feels!
The story is well written and I got a good picture of your characters.
There’s nothing like Miami!.”--there are both an exclamation point and a period at the end of this sentence
The only other change I would suggest is to take out most of the exclamation points. I have a tendency tooveruse them too because I speak and think in exclamation points, but they lose some of their effect if there are too many. Save them for the statements that are really "exclaimed" Especially avoid the "?!" because lots of reviewers will dock you for this.
I enjoyed your story. We should have the winners chosen by Feb 10
Hi
Here is my review of your entry in Beyond the Water's Edge. Thanks for entering the contest.
You have a very interesting character here. This might be a good first chapter of a book with her as the villain (or maybe the hero!). I think she should have a name though. I can always see characters better when I know their names.
It's fine the way it is, but I think it would add to the suspense if you start with the robbery and tell it as it happens rather than as a flashback. As it is, the reader already knows she got away.
Hi
This review is part of the mod review blitz. I chose this item because I love vampire stories. It's really hard to come up with an original vampire story, but you did a good job with this one. I like the idea of a psychic vampire, because I believe they exist. I also liked the idea of a vampire/siren character. The only nit-picky little thing I noticed was the spelling of Lauren's name. I might change it to Loren, because I think of Lauren as a girl's name.
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I think this is a very good story. The only problems I see are occasional ones with punctuation.
"I’m a coward; afraid of death as much as life."
her I would replace the semicolon with a comma
"They confer briefly, and then turn onto the sidewalk in front of me; the woman rolls her eyes at me as they pass and mutters something to her tall companion."
I would break this into two sentences.
"After, I kill her. He laughs."
would be better as:
After I kill her, he laughs.
I like the colorful nature imagery and internal rhymes.
This sentence:
"What can you know
of icicles in tropic climes." should have a question mark instead of a period at the end.
Also, it might be better to say tropical climes instead of "tropic climes".
Scary little story! I would like it better if it wasn't her mother's grave. If it is her mother's grave I would change the later verses so it doesn't seem so demonic.
"cemetry" should be "cemetery"
"snuck" sould be "sneaked"
If she was outside in the second verse, she wouldn't have been on the floor. Your rhymes and rhythms are generally good but there are places where the rhymes sound forced. Example: rhyming occur with disturbed.
Read the poem aloud and you will be able to hear the places where the rhythm is a little bit off. I would change the last verse because the tone doesn't fit the rest of the poem. I love ghost stories and you have the start of a good one here!
I think you have the start of a very good story here. You write much better than I did at 13! I look forward to reading the rest of it when you have it written.
I just noticed a few minor points that might be improved. I think many of the long sentences put together with semicolons might be better as two sentences. For example:
"As Brier first breathed in deep of the musty, old air in the cabin, the world held its breath; a solemn, expectant silence settled over the cabin and over the squealing girl-child, one which would follow her everywhere she went for fifteen years..." might be better as:
As Brier first breathed in deep of the musty, old air in the cabin, the world held its breath. A solemn, expectant silence settled over the cabin and over the squealing girl-child, one which would follow her everywhere she went for fifteen years...
It might also be a good idea to include a teeny bit more about her birth in the first paragraph. Maybe a little about her parents, etc. Your descriptions are very good.
I would take this out of the "other" genre and add it to others, such as short story, emotional, relationships, teen, etc. Items in the "other" genre are less likely to be read because people don't know whether they might interest them or not.
This is very funny in some ways but it has a deeper meaning. It's really too bad that something so small can stick with us for years. It's also sad that a person would be judged as unworthy simply because of his supposed taste in music. I can understand something like that happening in grade school, but you would think people would be more mature by the time they reach college. If that girl would have been worth his time she would have listened to his explanation and given him a chance.
I don't know if this is what you intended, but it seemed to me that the stigma followed him because he allowed it to. That one small incident in grade school affected his self image so much that it will probably keep happening to him. It would be a great addition to your story if he was able to realize that and move past it. That would be an important message for teens and adults alike!
I like this story but it needs a little polishing. Some sentences need to be worded differently to make your meaning clearer. For example "she jumped in the shower and ran out the door" sounds like she went out the door directly from the shower without stopping to put on clothes!
I like the image of a salmon swimming upstream against a sea of spoiled high school students with drivers licenses.
Some of your longer sentences might be clearer if they were broken into two parts.
I understand what you mean about the time change. I hate daylight savings time! I think it would be great if you expanded this story to included the rest of the day.
This is the start of a very good story. You have created two very likable characters and I'm interested in reading the rest of their story. The only minor point that might improve it is that sometimes I had to read very carefully to know who was speaking. For example, in this exchange:
'Alaric gasped, “That was you?! I was saving that slice for--.” Before Alaric could finish his protest, Jack pushed the boy back towards the mattress and pinned his bare shoulders with his hands.
“I’m sorry,” the teen interrupted.'
It's a little difficult to know who said "I'm sorry"
It might be clearer as:
Alaric gasped, “That was you?! I was saving that slice for--.”
"I'm sorry," Jack interrupted as he pushed Alaric back towards the mattress and pinned his bare shoulders with his hands.
Anyway, this is a great start and I look forward to reading more of your work!
You have the makings of a very good story here. It just needs a little polishing.
I was kind of confused when the three of them suddenly ended up at the party and suddenly ended up back home with no mention of traveling there and back.
You do a very good job of describing Michael and Celeste but don't give any physical description of Flora, the main character.
Some sentences need to be changed slightly so the story will be smoother. For example:
"Behind them sat a drunk couple who had left early from the nearby bar."
would be better as:
"Behind them sat a drunk couple who had left the nearby bar early." or you might say "A drunk couple sat behind them, arguing loudly." and then put snatches of the actual converstion of this couple in the story.
Watch for spelling errors. Thrown should be throne.
This is a very good story and I look forward to reading more of your writing!
I think this would be a good basis for a longer story. You already have the end so now you just need to write the beginning and middle! Your descriptions are very good and you do a good job of building suspense. A few minor things:
"Johns" should be "John's"
"Caste" should be "cast"
YOu have the beginning of a good story here. I just noticed a couple of minor details that might be improved:
I would put a little more dialogue in.
The first line of the second paragraph should read "there were not many people on the pass"
instead of "Taris turned away from the door and was surprised to see, walking down The Pass towards him, a woman." I would say "Taris turned away from the door and was surprised to see a woman walking down the pass toward him.
The first sentence of the second to last paragraph should read "and his box of charcoal"
I'm one of those people who think it isn't poetry unless it rhymes so I don't think it's necessary for you to get away from rhyming. This is a good description of a real friend--the kind that is very rare. I like the line that says "challenge the thoughts that are not me". A good friend knows who you really are, even when you don't. Nice poem!
This is funny! Living in North Dakota, I know all about snow and shoveling. I agree with your main character that a little global warming might not be a bad thing. I also agree with him about church! The only thing I might suggest adding is having to shovel again after the snowplow goes by and throws it all back into your driveway!
You have the start of a good story. Your descriptions of characters, etc are very good. The basic story line is a good idea but it needs some polishing. Watch the capitalization. You have capital letters on many words where it isn't necessary. Also, it would be much easier to read the dialogue if there was a new paragraph each time a new person spoke. Some of the words Mercy was saying when she was possessed sound like they come from Egyptian mythology. Is that what you intended? I guess I'd also like to know more about the demonic entity itself.
I like this poem. You did very well with the word limit and restrictions. In the last line, I would say "How would that sound?" instead of "How does that sound?". It fits more with the he "what if" theme of the poem. Good job!
I noticed that the coroner calls the detective "Evelyn" instead of "Evangeline" Is that a mistake or did you intend for him to get her name wrong? "corps" should be "corpse" and I think "callused" in the sixth paragraph should be "callous".
Outside of these minor technical items you have the start of a very good story here. I like your main character and your description of her is very good. Make sure and work in descriptions of the other characters as well. They don't have to be extremely detailed but just enough to give us a basic picture of them. I'm looking forward to reading more.
I like the rhythm and and rhyme. (I'm one of those old fashioned people who think it isn't poetry unless it rhymes!)
The third line from the end should have a question mark after it.
You might want to put capital letters at the beginnings of the sentences and punctuation at the ends. I don't know if that is really necessary in poetry but it helps the reader with the phrasing.
I've read all the chapters you have posted and I can't wait for more. I love New Orleans and it is a wonderful setting for this story. Make sure and bring as much of the feel of the city and the time period into the story as you can. (Good job of that so far).There was one spot in the last chapter where a mare was referred to as "he"
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