*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13
Review Requests: ON
1,146 Public Reviews Given
1,147 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 9 10 11 12 -13- 14 15 16 17 18 ... Next
301
301
Review of The Hanging  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So the black sheep of the family brings about their ruin! A neat little story that, although not typically horror, has enough dark irony to make up for it.

I like that the hanging is telegraphed immediately through the title and opening paragraph. No relying on the tension of not knowing the future for this story. The first hint that there is more to this than meets the eye comes in the second paragraph, when we learn that the hanged Danforth will not be the only one to suffer. That shows a great deal of confidence in the twist that awaits us. It's going to have to be a good one.

And the final paragraph does not disappoint. I can imagine your glee in wiping out the entire family with food poisoning contracted at the wake following the hanging. It's the kind of thing that would delight me too. Oh, the irony!

Such a quiet, humble and unpretentious tale and yet it delivers so much enjoyment. Well done indeed.

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
302
302
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An amusing tale with a punch in the ending from out of the blue. There is little opportunity to build characters in flash fiction but you have managed that ably in this piece. Ohls may approach caricature but you never allow him to descend into a cartoon. And you make an excellent job of Jessie-Belle with just enough stress on her penchant for laughter (which you're going to need eventually, of course).

The difficult character is the narrator. It is clear that he disapproves of the DA's underhand tactics, yet he goes along with Ohl's schemes with very little resistance. Perhaps he has been beaten down by too many years of service to his corrupt master. It's a human enough failing, after all.

The plot itself unfolds with a steady flow and the occasional wry observation. There are no flaws in the writing that I can see and the whole piece is a delightful tale with a mischievous twist in the last few sentences. Most enjoyable.

A shared image


~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
303
303
Review of I'm Sorry  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this poem on a run through Read & Review. It is fairly hard to assess it without knowing exactly what you're apologising for (I'm a Brit so I know all about apologising even when it's not my fault) but you succeed in getting across the apology itself. Naturally, I feel the urge to give advice but that's not really my remit. I'm supposed to tell you how good or bad the writing is.

And I have to say that the poem is effective and the writing must be good therefore. The reader is immediately hooked by such personal and unexpected revelation of the self and this grows into sympathy and empathy with each stanza thereafter. If there is a weakness in the writing, it is that there are rather too many words. This is a by product of the way in which you have written the poem, almost as a flow of consciousness, and would easily be fixed by a judicious editing.

You have moments of clear insight and poetic expression ("Each word hits and forms a bruise" for instance). Don't dilute them with the addition of common expressions that say nothing ("other people are so amazing"). In that example, it would be better to say what about them seems amazing to you. Then we can be amazed with you.

But I am picking around the edge. In fact, you have written a good poem that reveals an aspect of you (and that is what poetry is - the poet breaking off chunks of himself and handing them to the reader). Well done and keep writing!

A shared image


~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
304
304
Review of The White Rose  
Review by Beholden
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fascinating. I would recommend, however, that some indication be made in the description that this is not the the whole story. If it is intended to be a short story, either I don't get it (even after the second reading plus a perusal of your portfolio) or it's the first chapter or prologue to a longer work. From the lone rating you've had so far, I'd guess that I'm not the only one who felt a bit disappointed to reach the end.

Having said which, however, I must say that the piece is excellent. Your writing is flawless in style and execution, leading the reader on towards an expected denouement. If there were more chapters, I cannot see anyone being able to put the thing down. By the time we reach the end, we are all solidly on Manny's side and avid for more. Which is all encouragement to continue writing, of course.

As I mentioned, I read a little way into your portfolio and was equally impressed by the quality of your writing there. Summer Jam is wonderful! I am congratulating myself on having discovered a major talent to add to my little collection. It would be a crime were you not to continue writing, sir.

A shared image


~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden
305
305
Review of The Swamp  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a well written, absorbing study of a murder and subsequent disposal of the body. I like the quiet, matter-of-fact delivery as we are led through the story by Abby's thoughts. It is just the right tone of a practical-minded person who has thought about the deed for some time and now, even though it's initiation has been quite accidental, she is taking the next steps in her characteristic, planned approach.

I think it is this that makes the story horror. Abby's cool demeanour as she tells the story is foreign to most of us who would be shaken up by the events, to say the least. I particularly like the presence of little Bobby Cohen's ghost in the swamp and the way Abby does not question it or depart from her plan.

If I had any quibble about the story, it would be that there is no twist in the tail. When I read about Abby's sinking shin deep into the muck, I thought, Ahah, she will disappear into a quagmire and the tale will end with her comeuppance! But that would have been a bit cheesy and you have taken the higher route, I think.

Ultimately, it's a gem of a story that I cannot fault. Well done!

A shared image


Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-


Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
306
306
Review of Retrospect  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this very much. It's honest, searching, replete with flashes of memory common to all us, I should think. Stuff about common humanity and all that. But you have a way with words. I particularly like your description: "I've thought about it some more." It gave me a starting place, a hint of what was to come that was quite revealing, as it turned out.

There's so much in this poem that I can only select certain passages that I found especially affecting and make me want to say something about. For instance: "...so comfortable in the skin that you craved,
that I became a believer in
the legend of me.
A strange weight to carry."
Yes, I can believe that is how it feels - you have expressed it so well. I want to interrupt and say that we (males) are not all like that, that there's more to most of us that we keep hidden. But that's not my place and I have hardly begun to read the poem as yet. There is bound to be more.

"I had come to put my faith in
unconditional endurance."

So many of us do exactly that.

"and whisper to me, never knowing
that I was keeping every word,
somewhere deep."

It may just be my experience but I think that women do this more than men. Males don't store as much (perhaps they have less room) and are always surprised at how much is recalled by females.

The last stanzas are so painful that I daren't touch them. It certainly sounds like love. And that's your strength - with so few words you capture an emotion and lay it as a trap on the page for others to fall into. It's a talent that cannot be dissected and laid out on a table for others to learn from. I don't know why it works so well, the mechanics and button-pressing of the words and their combination that speaks so eloquently to the reader. I only know that it does work.

Just today I read somewhere that Read & Review is supposed to select new works so that stuff written years ago and probably no longer relevant to the author doesn't get too many reviews. I'm glad that it doesn't work very well and that it presented me with this. It is a comfort to me to know that there are still people around who know how to write seriously excellent poetry. Thank you.

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
307
307
Review of Bobby [162]  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Review of Bobby by Kåre Enga in Montana

Initial Impression:

Interesting little story, quite enticing in fact, and leading the reader to want a Chapter Two!

Title:

As the Brit commercial has it, "It does exactly what it says on the tin." Quite adequate as a chapter title, especially as the chapter is short enough for the title to be understood quickly.

Content:

The story so far is simple enough (boy has friend who fades away until he disappears, then the boy seems absent afterwards) but has a twist in the last sentence that leads us immediately into more complex ramifications. Is this going to be supernatural? Or does the finding of Johnny result from a more normal explanation? The reader has only one solution to these thoughts - read on into the next chapters!

It's an excellent device that few readers will be able to resist. And that's what a first chapter is for, after all. The idea of naming Chapter 2 at the end is excellent. It completes Chapter 1 with the feeling that the book continues and one need only turn the page to read more. Given that you were only asked to write a first chapter, this is delightful in its impression of a whole book just awaiting the reader.

Style:

I had some difficulty with the first two paragraphs. Three people were thrown at me in very few words and I had to stop and reread to work out who was who. One was easy - Mary Beth (more on her later) was clearly the narrator. She seems to know a lot about Bobby's love for trees and throwing apples. But then we're suddenly talking about Johnny. I thought his name was Bobby? More rereading. Ah, I see, Johnny must be Bobby's friend with a tree in his backyard. But you see what has happened? I've had to reread at least twice before I've got these characters sorted out. A little adjustment in the writing needed, I think.

Now, about Mary Beth. Remember my first surprise that she knows so much about Bobby. As the chapter goes on, I begin to wonder who she is. She's telling me all this stuff about Bobby and Johnny but I have no idea who she is, how she relates to the boys, how old she is. Right at the end of the chapter, Bobby at last relates to her by saying, "Mary Beth, I found Johnny." So she's almost certainly not his mother. A friend, perhaps? But she doesn't seem to relate to the boys as anything other than an observer.

I think this is a mistake. If some sort of relationship can be established early on, we are going to be more comfortable with her telling the tale.

And so to a matter of style. I like the voice in which this is written, the informal language and unadorned narrative. It's just that I think you may be overdoing it. Ellipses start blossoming everywhere as you try to illustrate Mary Beth's pauses to think or correct things. It becomes distracting and might be better if some were taken out. For instance, in the first sentence, the word "apples" doesn't really need to be fenced in with two ellipses.

My impression is that you are echoing the voice of a young (probably the same age as the boys) girl telling the tale of boys that she knew at the time. I find that very believable and realistic. Just one sentence bugs me a little - "I wish he would've." As a Brit, that sounds clumsy to me, although I'm aware it may be usual in America. "I wish I would have" would be easier on my ear but it still sounds wrong. A Brit would just say, "I wish he had."

That may be a Brit/American thing so please take no notice if that's so.

Flow/Pace:

Both flow and pace are appropriate to the subject matter and the atmosphere being created.

Suggestions:

Enough said on this score, I think.

Favourite line or part:

"Mr. Fink's outhouse tipped over and Mrs. Baker's undies flew through the air; but, except for a few leaves, the trees were spared." Love the detail, especially the picture of Mrs Baker's undies flying through the air.

Overall Impression:

A very competent first chapter that goes straight to the point and tells a fascinating tale. The few improvements I've suggested might help but, as always, this is for you to decide.

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
308
308
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Review of The Homecoming Ch.1 by DoubleCat

Initial Impression:

I liked the pace and length of this chapter. It was quite clear that you understood that there is plenty of time to get to the details when writing a book. The job of the first chapter is to get the reader interested in both the characters and the story, to be hooked, in fact. This you have done very well. There were a few points where I had to stop, have a think and read again, but I think these could be sorted out very easily.

Title:

I take it that Homecoming is the title of the book and that the chapters are numbered rather than named. It's a valid approach, particularly in a book written for adults. Obviously, it's impossible for me to tell whether the title is appropriate when I have only one chapter to go on, but that can be looked at more closely if and when the book is ever completed.

Content:

I usually have a look at a writer's portfolio before writing a review and I admit to viewing yours. That has to be one of the shortest bios I've seen so far. But you're right, you would definitely pet my cat - she's irresistible. But I digress.

The story so far is interesting enough to hold the reader's attention, although, when it comes to talk of magical things, the writing becomes a bit vague and it is easy to become confused. I understand that, at this point, you can't depart into detailed explanations of how things work, but you need to consider just how much you reveal. That could mean leaving out some references to matters not explained, rather than leaving them hanging and inviting misconception. We already know that the protagonist is well versed in magic and are prepared to accept that he has special powers therefore.

Another point where I had to read the relevant sentences more than once is when he starts talking about the disappearance of Chad's son. I had to re-read to make sure of who Chad was and then work out that it was his son we were talking about. The passage is over-complicated, I think. All we really need to know is that Chad had married, had kids and his son was now missing. It is unlikely that the narrator, having lost touch with Chad, would suddenly receive a detailed account of the son's disappearance. The description of the loss seems beyond the protagonist's POV. More likely he would have learned of the disappearance and decided then to help.

Once I had sorted this out in my head, the remaining chapter went very smoothly and it proved a great read. I particularly like the dialogue between the narrator and the son's ghost (?) - it seems very realistic and believable.

Style:

Now I have to say the words that are spoken to me so often. You tend to say too much, leaving the reader with a wealth of detail that he needs to sort out before progressing. I understand completely the need to make sure the reader is getting the picture right but we have to allow a certain amount of leeway in this. Let them see the details in the way they want to while we ensure that the important things are clear to them. As an example, the shovel hitting the protagonist's ankle is an unnecessary detour into the mundane. It's a fine detail that only serves to detract from the true thrust of the narrative. Yes, it sounds real, but does it matter to the story?

Flashes of light upon incidental details do enliven a tale and give it reality but feed them in sparingly. Too much and it becomes a confusing mass of sights and sounds that do not help.

Your style does, however, show that you know what you're doing. You tell a story with great fluidity and vocabulary, without irritating little grammar mistakes and typos. And that already sets you above most writers. Be a little more economical with your handling of detail and I'll not fault you.

Flow/Pace:

I have already mentioned fluidity (the same as flow). Pace does slow a bit in parts but cut back the words a bit and that'll be solved.

Suggestions:

Ah, I think I've already made all the suggestions I had. You've done a good job.

Overall Impression:

Yes, it's a fine piece of work that achieves what it sets out to do. I'd certainly read on and that's what it's all about, after all.

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
309
309
Review of The Magic Ring  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this. It's an original idea and I love the thought that a plastic ring found in a cereal packet might be the magic ring that controls the universe.

You have created a perfect little tale as the vehicle for this idea and kept the secret until, right at the end, it emerges as the point. Nicely done, especially as you haven't concealed the fact that you have a decoder ring. That would be cheating the reader, after all.

The final sentence is perfect. No flights of fancy or huge events to overpower the story. You nonchalantly accept this extra power granted by the ring and go along with the aliens' perception of their situation. Such presence of mind!

It's a delightful little tale that does exactly what flash fiction is supposed to do. Well done!

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
310
310
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a wonderful piece that suffers from being all alone in your portfolio. Considering its subject and the fact that it is the only entry in your twelve months of membership with WdC (happy anniversary, by the way), one is tempted to imagine all sorts of outcomes from the adventure as set out in your essay. It seems a pity that we may be deprived of reading any more from such a talented writer.

Which returns me to the review. This is a striking piece, both in its honesty and literary style. The description of the shower scene, in particular, is very powerful. And the adventure of departing for a new and unknown land quite terrifying in its possibilities. As a prescription for "insecurity, defeat and cynicism" it is radical to say the least. But I guess it's not the first time "kill or cure" has worked well for the patient.

And you see how the piece constantly deflects me from commenting on the style. It is so powerful that the reader's attention is fixed on considering its proposals. Which must mean that the writing is successful. Of course it helps that it is grammatically correct, that it flows smoothly and is well paced, that your vocabulary is more than adequate to convey the emotions you experienced.

Now all you have to do is prove that you can always write this well. You really ought to throw a few more pieces at the portfolio, you know.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
311
311
Review of Working it Out  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now this is clever. I didn't see that one coming at all! It seems Mr Green is about to be hoist by his own petard indeed.

This is a fast paced, tight little piece of flash fiction that has all the elements required by the form. In particular, the need for a snappy surprise in the final sentence is the factor that gives the form its distinctive flavour. And you handle it so well!

The description of Jim's troubles at work is given enough attention to get the reader's support and we are with him from that point onward. But there's no hint of the surprise solution to our hero's problems. As we gaze up at the tree and the lighted window, we get as much of a surprise as Jim does at what he sees. And it's all done without any grammatical errors or flaws.

You have turned a good idea into an amusing and entertaining tale, perfect for the reader who just wants to relax with a good read for a few minutes. Well done indeed!

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
312
312
Review of Download This!  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
One amusing idea and you have yourself a catchy little story that is perfect for the requirements of the Dialogue 500 Contest. I like it.

The interesting point is made that aliens don't have to be (in fact, would be unlikely to be) roughly the same size as we are. The major factor governing size would be the size and therefore gravity of their home planet. Tiny aliens would come from a massive planet and large aliens from a smaller one, of course.

So the little extra terrestrials encountered by your protagonist are quite likely, given that we ever solve the insurmountable problems of interstellar space travel. But then you throw in the telepathy variable that changes everything. Now the little blighters (that our hero could easily get rid of by stomping on a few) suddenly become rather dangerous. We have our conflict!

Your protagonist finds an ingenious solution in the polluted depths of the human mind - a neat and quick fix to the situation indeed. The net result is a nifty piece of deftly written flash fiction, highly entertaining and amusing. The pace and flow is exactly as required by the parameters of the contest and I noticed no grammatical flaws.

You've given me no option but to award five stars. Applause!

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
313
313
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Happy anniversary!

You wanted a review - so here it is. Attracted immediately anyway by the names. They're all important in this kind of fantasy/sci-fi, as authentic-sounding ones create atmosphere and silly ones ruin it. So they should be chosen carefully, even going to the length of creating a language or languages, as Tolkien did. At the very least, we should be careful not to introduce names, supposedly from the same language, that clash horribly with each other. And you've been careful and successful with these, as few as they are.

So the plains of Aroth give us a sense of space in which events can unfold. Again, it's important that we're on a plain - so much more extensive and empty a space in which to set some crumbling cities and bold towers. The atmosphere increases and we've hardly begun. This is clever stuff and absolutely necessary, given that this is poetry and we can see that we're not going on an epic journey.

And now the language takes over and the words punch in to fill in the details within the atmosphere already created. We're still as stone as the ichor flows, observers of some terrible battle that has left hordes dead beneath our feet, and all told in so few words, the mark of the truly skillful poet, words that bring much meaning and combine with others to make even more than their sum.

Now we can mourn the waste, the foolishness that has brought this to pass, to leave us alone and abandoned through eternity. Thus to return to consider our situation, still as stone amongst the bones.

It's a powerful picture, an intensely visualised and transmitted vision, that grabs the reader and does not let him go until he has stood with us in the destruction. Which is high praise for any poem that achieves its purpose as this has done. Applause.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
314
314
Review of Paying the Bills  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very powerful poem. It is so because, using flashes of vivid detail ("A straying hair of white cotton wool" "hands that working a trade still, furiously wring out upon the tray"), it paints not only a picture of the reality, but brings us close to the elderly patient so that we begin to understand her desperate question, "Who pays my bill?" After a lifetime of providing and caring for others, being careful with money and ensuring expenses are paid somehow, now she is suddenly in the hands of others, her only companions the worries about how she will pay for care.

It's an affecting situation, sad and heart-rending, and it's your poem that has done this to us, just the power of the words making us look and feel. For a few moments we sit with the old lady and share her anxiety, while the world passes by, too busy to notice.

The strange thing is that there is hope in the poem, even so. The patient, old and frail as she is, still tries to take responsibility, to retain some control, somehow. Life struggles to assert itself even in the most difficult of situations.

Why is the poem so effective? Ah, that is the mystery of the right words selected carefully and placed together with others in precise and correct order to make the pattern. Impossible to formulate a rule for others to follow to write poetry as good as this. It's one of those "you've either got it or you ain't" things.

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
315
315
Review of Earwormish  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha, Love it! *Laugh*
316
316
Review of Old Seeds  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I must confess straight away that this whole sestina business has me baffled. I do not begin to understand it, even having read the instructions and being repelled by the numbers (I was only ever average at maths). So the construction, which I must presume is the skeleton of the poem, is a complete mystery to me and any comment I make on it would be a wild stab in the dark.

Yet the words are magical, combining to create a wonderful picture (metaphor) of lives growing as plants and producing (or failing to produce blooms). Is it possible that I am missing something, not seeing the complex pattern in the arrangement of the words, but allowing them to tumble into my mind as if related only by what they evince and describe? Do we have to understand how the architect has designed before we can appreciate the beauty of the finished product?

Of course I am in awe at the intellectual feat of submitting to the constraints of this obscure thing called the sestina and still producing something so utterly beautiful. It is easy to understand the immense feeling of accomplishment at having mastered the arcane form (well it's arcane to me). But, if we write for others as well as ourselves (and I actually think that writing is a communication and therefore requires the other), then it matters not that the technical stuff remains hidden to all but the most learnèd of readers.

Which is all to say that I read the poem as free form, having not even a glimpse of the structure beneath, and, as far as I know, it loses none of its power as a result. Perhaps its greatness is in the fact that the construction is so effectively hidden, that the struggle to align the words in the prescribed order is completely invisible, just as the best rhymes are the ones that do not trumpet themselves as such.

In the end, all I know is that this is a tremendous tour de force. I touch my forelock (well, presuming I have one).

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
317
317
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I agree with your essential proposition, that the sentence must be allowed to go where it wants. But then, I would say that, having included at least one hundred-plus word sentence in my book. Sometimes it just doesn't work without length.

If I must say something about your piece, it is that it wanders about a bit at first and only gets going when it seizes upon the sentence as the subject you want to speak about. Once there, it becomes very clear and consistent in its consideration of the critics and their little rules.

Were it my job to give you advice (especially since you set out to educate with this essay), I'd say we should know the rules but break them as and when it's necessary. After much the same struggles as you describe, I have settled for writing in the same voice as I speak in. It's easier that way and most people seem to accept it quite readily. And, of course, it is sheer delight to break the rules, knowing full well that I'm doing so.

More power to your typing fingers, sir.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


** Image ID #2249479 Unavailable **

*Exclaimb* Superpower Best Review Raid *Exclaimb*

Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
318
318
Review of Venus Transit  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a delightful poem! Excuse me a moment while I read some more by you - I have to be sure this is not a flash in the pan before I get effusive.

Well, that was a revelation. I've yet to find anything even mildly imperfect from you (admittedly, I only read five poems). You're a poet, ma'am! Now let's see if I can explain what I see as so good in your excellent little poem about the Venus Transit.

First and foremost, it's the precise and accurate choice of words. You select and dispose with so sure a touch, I am amazed. Plus, it's quite clear that you have a rich and voluminous vocabulary to choose from. Anyone who loves language must fall immediately under your spell, I'm sure. "Perambulations" is not the first word I'd think of as poetic but you introduce it without even a sly wink - and it works so well.

Then it's the flow of the poem. No stuttering, lumpy constructions here, the whole thing reads so easily and smoothly, it gives the impression of ease that means a steady determination to achieve that flow. Wonderful stuff!

Add the imagery and we're drowning in riches. This sentence alone makes the poem worthwhile:
"The Naples sunset was shuttered by clouds
though pinpricks of light
gilded the sand."
And it's just one of many!

Now we get to the quirky, inexplicable stuff, the aspects that I don't know why they work so well, I only know they do. The wonderful digression to apparently unrelated subjects that take us to other places yet add somehow to the meaning of the poem. I am guessing that the dog finding a dead fish, Tommy Gabel deciding to be female (and now I know who he is thanks to Google) and Naples must be linked in causality by the Transit. Not that it matters - the poem is so good with or without all this knowledge.

The whole is so emotive, invading the reader's sensibilities with its magic, that all this dissection to grasp at understanding why it is so effective is silly. It works and that is all that matters. I love it.

Oh, and by the way. It seems your poems were penned to be read by me, at least.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


** Image ID #2249479 Unavailable **

*Exclaimb* Superpower Best Review Raid *Exclaimb*

Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
319
319
Review of Sideburns  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An excellent moral tale, well written and quite graphic in description. Although the reader expects some sort of comeuppance for the young tormentors of "Sideburns," you succeeded in creating a surprise in the intervention of the house fire that prevented their mischievous expedition. So you effectively avoided cliché spoiling the story. The whole tale is judged well, pace and flow exactly suitable, language simple, clear and unaffected.

You write easily, without attempting to show off your abilities, and the result is an enjoyable reading experience that is a breath of fresh air for the jaded reviewer. I can do no better than to encourage you to keep writing. And mine that wealth of experience you have!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


** Image ID #2249479 Unavailable **

*Exclaimb* Superpower Best Review Raid *Exclaimb*

Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
320
320
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this. And I say that as one who has become used to tiny poems, having written hundreds of them for 24 Syllables, Express It In Eight and Promptly Poetry. It's an unappreciated art in general but also a challenge to pack those few words with meaning to reach and affect the reader. That's exactly what you have done with this poem.

What a brilliant idea, to adopt the POV of a pebble. Seeing life through the eyes of an inanimate object is not unheard of but I don't think anyone has considered a pebble before. It's original and effective in expanding our vision to include the meaning behind the simple action of picking up a stone on the beach and exploring its worn and smooth surfaces. You make it clear, too, that this is not some random act without meaning. David has chosen the pebble after looking at and considering others.

And that's where the clue in the title gives us insight into the truth disguised in the poem - it's a picture of David (and we don't need to know more than his name) and his choice of this particular person to complete himself. The pebble is indeed you, the poet.

All this in just five lines. It's wonderful, clever and beautiful stuff!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


** Image ID #2249479 Unavailable **

*Exclaimb* Superpower Best Review Raid *Exclaimb*

Small photo

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
321
321
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was reading through the entries to the Fantasy Unravelled Contest (I like to see what I'm up against before putting finger to keyboard) when I came across this poem. What a refreshing and pleasant surprise this is, a poem that, not only rhymes, but keeps to a structured meter as well! Not being a fan of formal poetry, I do not comment on such things usually, but I found your poem so enjoyable that I had to thank you for it. It is such a wonderful tour de force of its type.

Not only do you demonstrate mastery of rhyme and meter, but the story told is original, inventive and most enjoyable. Obviously, I don't know how it will do in the contest, but I feel already that it deserves to win, even if just for making a hardened old anti-rhymer like me stop and give it a read. Good grief, I'm even pretty sure whatever free verse and humble offering I'm able to come up with stands little chance against this beautiful gem.

You have written a poem that should replace the old nursery tale. Wonderful stuff!

A super power image

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
322
322
Review of Doorstop  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Doorstop
A short story by Serena Blade.

Initial Impression:

The basic idea of the story is sound, a solid foundation for a classic horror tale. The problem comes from too much detail being included. Much of what you tell the reader is irrelevant to the story and is better left out. Remember that a short story is meant to be just that - short. The reader expects that it will hold his attention for a brief while, provide a surprise at the end and be done with. It's our job to keep the interest up, make them care about the protagonist and then scare them or at least amuse them with an unexpected ending. It's a tall order and one we need to remember as we write.

Title:

The title is a little uninteresting. Doorstops are fairly mundane, after all. It's worth taking a bit of time to come up with a more intriguing name for the story. This particular one could be A Fishy Tale, for instance, or Cursed Dreams. Both make a reader ask questions they want answered. We are, in effect, giving them a brief glimpse of one aspect of the story, without giving anything away. To find out more, they have to start reading.

Content:

The basic story is simple enough but obscured somewhat by the wealth of detail included. For example, the cell phone doesn't work (which explains why they can't contact help) but it really doesn't matter why it doesn't work. Let the reader imagine a reason.

Don't feel that you have to explain everything that happens. This passage is an example of too much information: "To keep her mind from running wild she decided to walk around and explore the house. As she entered an office she found something that had caught her attention. Behind the door was an old Victorian antique doorstop. It was a brass mythical large fish."

We don't need to know why she explored the house. The important fact is that she did. Then we have three sentences that describe her discovery of the doorstop. Most of this can be deleted to give only the important information - In an office, she found a brass doorstop in the shape of a fish. The fact that it caught her attention is unnecessary as it wouldn't be mentioned if it hadn't caught her attention.

At the same time, you have to be careful to preserve the reader's belief in the story you're telling. You have said that they found a fully-furnished, open but deserted Victorian house in which to shelter. That requires at least a short explanation to explain why such a house should be abandoned and available to them. I know that was the question that arose immediately in my mind. Not many people leave a perfectly habitable house unlocked and open to squatters overnight.

Style:

Dialogue is our best chance to communicate character to the reader. Don't use it to get to the next action but as a way of revealing what your characters are like. My way of doing this is to put myself in their position and allow the character to speak through me. In my entry for today's contest, I imagined the proprietor as a typical old man surrounded by the ancient clocks of his shop. He is fussy, respectful of his customers and goes to some lengths to prevent the purchase of something that he feels can only lead to a bad outcome. This is all communicated through his conversation with Bernard. It doesn't need to be described - the reader will do it for me.

So put that dialogue to work!

Flow/Pace:

Flow and pace is fine except for the previously mentioned detail scattered throughout the text. This is so much true that, when you start describing the history of Sita and Dimitro, it becomes confusing and I must admit that I began to skim. Essentially, it's an info dump and should be kept as short as possible so that the reader does not become distracted from the main story.

Suggestions:

Consider rewriting the story in a rigidly chronological timeline (we really don't need to start with Jessie in a strange bed) but with an introductory piece recounting the tale of Sita and Dimitro, This would prevent the disruption of the tale being inserted in the middle of Jessie's story. It would also allow you to move straight to the transformation of Josh and Jessie into fishes, without bothering to free Dimitro and Sita from their curse.

Overall Impression:

I have written quite a lot about your story but do not become discouraged. Most if not all of my points are related to each other and, if you fix one, you will go at least some way to fixing others. Above all else, remember to keep the action moving - don't allow yourself to wander into descriptions that may matter to you but really don't help the story to progress. Keep it simple!



A super power image
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
323
323
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Through the Cracks
by wdwilcox

Initial Impression:

The illustration of the crack was the first thing that struck me. It is very similar to one I used for a recent story of my own, so I was curious as to where you'd take the crack idea. And I was not disappointed. This is a fine tale of a terrible affliction that takes the subject character through a developing series of horror scenarios.

Title:

Excellent. The title contains enough suggestion to catch the attention without giving anything away. If the reader wants to know more, the only answer is to read the story!

Content:

We are told quite early in the story that the effects experienced by Rachel are caused by a brain tumour. I think this is done at the right moment. To keep the reader in the dark would soon become contrived and dissipate some of the horror already established. The word cancer is enough these days to scare anyone and some imagined supernatural terror holds nothing scarier than the big C.

The progression of the disease and the dark worlds it introduces are revealed and described vividly, so that the reader is drawn into them with Rachel. I found myself wondering if this is indeed the kind of thing that might be felt as a tumour works its way into the brain. Which is to say that you have created a very believable series of worlds to compete with reality.

Altogether, the story is told with sensitivity and has just the right amount of uncertainty in the ending. Such a typically horror writer's technique, to lull us into a suggestion of relief at the end with the vision of the cabin, the dog and the husband, only to pull the rug from under our feet with the final word of the tale. Masterfully done!

Style:

This is probably the most difficult aspect to comment upon in any review. It is so subject to personal taste (I won't review anything in which the style puts me off but it's very hard to say just what annoys me so much). In the end, we tend to pick at bits here and there, as though they were the cause of bad style - but they're not. Suffice to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. And that means that I like the style so much that I cannot fault it.

If you want me to carp a bit, it's all in the word "jitter." It jarred with me, probably because it's not a word we use much in England. Which is fine; I suppress my own feelings on the matter and keep reading. And then you repeat it! That gives me something to be picky about - I try not to repeat words closely enough that the reader remembers the previous use of it. There's always an alternative that can avoid such repetition.

Flow/Pace:

Flows like a mighty river to the sea - can't fault it. And the pace is perfect, neither halting nor hurrying on as though late. Gives the reader just enough time to enjoy the read.

Suggestions:

Apart from the jitter niggle, nothing occurs. If it ain't broke, don't mend it.

Favourite line or part:

"Her face was lunar in its paleness, except for the hollows of her eyes, which were bruised-colored." Excellent description, very real. Consider dropping the D from the end of "bruised."

Overall Impression:

This is a fascinating story told with sure ability and after a lot of thought. You have considered deeply how the progression from one stage of the illness to the next would go. The intitial idea and its development are considerably different from the usual horror fare and you have not wasted such an original insight. Only in the final sentence is the horror genre given the nod and that, after all, is the point, isn't it?



~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~

Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-

Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
324
324
Review of I Catch Myself  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I Catch Myself
by omtmy

Initial Impression:

Interesting thought process, increasingly theological as it progresses. A bared soul poem, stark and arresting in its anguish.

Title:

I've done it myself, abandoning the notion of encapsulating a poem in a few words, retreating to a mere statement of the first line. Heck, if e.e. cummings can do it, we all can.

Content:

This is one of those that speaks urgently from apparent incomprehensibility, so powerful are the short, sharp, halting words. The reader may not understand fully but is carried along by the passion and directness of the words so that meaning comes, not from each individual phrase but more from an accumulated sense of the whole. It's a tour de force of a soul that needs to speak.

The poem also draws responses from the reader. At moments, I felt that I wanted to attempt an answer to some of the points raised but that's not really my job - I'm supposed to be a dispassionate reviewer. But that does, at least, show how effective the poem is.

Style:

I cheated and read the other poems in your portfolio. This one fits in neatly with the others; you have a certain syle that dispenses with decoration and displays with utter honesty. As such, you can be quite painful to read but you are always impossible to put down. You speak in short bursts of breath through the pain.

Flow/Pace:

Flow tends to be halting, thanks to the brevity of each line but I think this actually adds to the impact af the words. What you are saying is a matter of emotion, not the product of some logical dissertation.

Pace varies, as one would expect with such staccato delivery. Again, this is an asset.

Suggestions:

Your poems circle around a particular theme. I would like to see what you do with something rather different from your main preoccupation. But that's just me.

Favourite line or part:

"I catch myself
in the corner
bleeding myself" states your view of yourself perfectly.

Overall Impression:

A powerful work that succeeds in describing something almost incommunicable.



** Image ID #2246051 Unavailable **
Small photo
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
325
325
Review of THE SQUIRREL HUNT  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


The Squirrel Hunt
by R. Alan Wilson

This review is given as part of the Super Power Reviewer March Mayhem Raid.

Initial Impression:

A fascinating account of coming of age for a young boy in rural America, this is an important contribution to the preservation of folk history and customs. As our society becomes more urbanised and regulated through modern media, age old traditions are in danger of being lost forever. Articles like this are a bulwark against such loss.

Title:

As a commercial in my native Britain has it, this title "does exactly what it says on the tin." It certainly is about a squirrel hunt!

Content:

A very full account of a boy's coming of age through his first squirrel hunt, including the reasons for its importance. The hunt itself is narrated in detail from the boy's point of view and the reader is drawn into the excitement and hope for success. The extent to which the family will go (cutting down the tree) to ensure that the boy has his trophy is evidence of the importance of the event to them.

Style:

The writing is an interesting mix of well-educated and high level language and local vernacular. This achieves two main objects, to establish some authority and to demonstrate how apt are the local expressions when speaking of such customs. There is no better source for an account of an event than one who has experienced it.

Flow/Pace:

The piece flows easily through the stages of the preparation and hunt itself. Pace is even throughout and this may be a mistake (although a minor one). The steady onward push of the explanatory paragraphs is appropriate but it may have been an idea to quicken the pace (perhaps even introducing some excited conversation between the members of the hunting party) when the hunt is in progress.

Suggestions:

There are a couple of mechanical errors I noticed on the read through:

"could siton the floor but NOT join the conversations" - should be "sit on"
In the same paragraph, a hard break has been omitted so that two paragraphs are not fully separated.

Favourite line or part:

I particularly liked the occasions when only use of the local expressions could give a feel for the proceedings.

Overall Impression:

I'm a sucker for blue grass music and the culture of the South, so I may be a slightly biased observer but I loved this piece. It's a clear and well-written account of an important moment in the life a boy growing up in that environment.



** Image ID #2246051 Unavailable **
Small photo
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
589 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13