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1,157 Public Reviews Given
1,158 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 4 Judges

Initial Impression:

The story develops seamlessly from the end ogf the previous Part. We see the growing relationship between Bell and August, Bell begins revovery from her ordeal in the streets and the two lovers finally get down to business. Only to realise that their future path is still undecided in view of Bell's destiny as the Whore of Babylon.

It's all rollicking good fun but you keep me in suspense as to how you're going to end this story. Is Bell going to do a Will Smith on the crowd and save the world? To be honest, I don't see any other way of getting an ending that will please modern readers. Even though there is a horror element to the story, to wipe everything out in a final true Apocalypse seems a bit extreme.

Ah well, I guess I'll see in a while. But this proves that you're keeping me interested and that is the name of the game, after all.

Title:

Keeps the biblical theme but is a bit more difficult to link to the events in this part. I'm wondering who is the judge and who the judged. Most likely the angel judges and Bell is judged, but I'm not certain about that.

Content:

I liked the dreaming in the shower scene (you had me going there for a few moments). The apparent death of August seemed to put an end to the one remaining hope in the tale. And I realise that the boy is the ideal candidate for final resolution of the difficulties in the story. Somehow I doubt he will prove as easy a pushover as depicted in the dream.

Which satisfies my theological interests more than other possible outcomes. Very tempted now to influence your portrayal of August's character, but that is hardly my function.

Returning to my reviewing hat, I have to say that the Part is successful in its aim. It keeps the story going while slowing the pace a little as the two protagonists recover their breath. Entirely appropriate after the frantic action scenes of the previous Part.

Finally, we meet Vern's replacement. He seems devilish enough at this first glance, if a little eager to agree to Bell's commands. But she has prepared the way by feigning indifference to the fate of the angel. The demon is fooled for the moment. No doubt he will prove more difficult as her true character becomes more obvious.

Style:

As masterful as ever.

Flow/Pace:

The decrease in pace is exactly what was needed. The reader needs a break to recover after Part 3.

Suggestions:

Only regarding the character of the angel. I'd make her less prone to earthly passions and more subtle in her attempts to keep August on the straight and narrow. She can acquiesce to his determination to stick with Bell, but with more sorrow at his impulsiveness than anger at losing. But that is my theology talking, of course. Others may find her perfectly satisfactory as she is.

Overall Impression:

Good chapter/Part, holds the reader's interest and makes it imperative that we continue to the next part.



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Review of Part 3: Exodus  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 3 Exodus

Initial Impression:

There's a lot going on in this Part. As a Protestant, I find the Catholic theology rather simplistic and a bit laughable, so I may be a poor judge of that aspect for your purposes. Looking beyond it, I can see that this is a vividly described journey through erupting apocalypse to August's house. It's all great action with plenty of tension induced along the way, with the final relief of the meeting with August.

I have thoughts on a few matters but they are better dealt with under other headings.

Title:

"Exodus" continues the biblical theme and reflects the dash from Bell's house to August's. As the advert states on British TV, "It does exactly what it says on the tin."

Content:

Some of my questions are answered in this part. It seems that Bell's return from Hell has somehow sparked the Apocalypse and war between demons and angles has broken out in the streets, going so far as to invade the person of Bell's mother. It's a big subject to tackle and runs the risk of becoming somewhat melodramatic in the telling. Has to be huge if it's the end of the world, obviously, but must skate around the edge of a Hieronymus Bosch fantasy at the same time. It's just a little too material for our modern imaginations otherwise. Thus far, I think you've managed to avoid this trap but much depends on your estimate of a modern reader's understanding of the whole apocalypse thing. It's lousy theology but is anyone going to notice in this day and age? We can discuss this further, if you wish.

This is the first time I’ve seen colour used to indicate the speaker in a serious work. I’ll have to think about it. Perhaps the reasoning will become clearer as I read on.

A reason occurs to me. This is probably how texting separates messages on smartphones these days. Understand, I don’t use the stupid things so I’m not sure on that but it’s been fairly common practice on computer messaging apps for years. In which case I can see that this fits well with something written in today’s world. Not sure how a publisher would react to having to introduce colour but I dare say the industry would get over it.

It does make things immediately obvious who’s speaking (as long as the reader remembers the colour allocation) and allows the writer to dispense with the “he said,” “she said” thing. I guess my feeling is that it’s valid as long as not over-used.

This Part reminds me that we’re still dealing with a teenager here (emphasised by the colours). She thinks like a teenager, acts like one and reacts like one. This makes for a rather bizarre contrast with the looming transformation into the Whore of Babylon. Would this still be possible after her experience of the Queen succubus? Not sure. But I’ll let things ride and see how you deal with it. I am, of course, presuming that you intend to get her out of this “obligation” somehow and I won’t be confronted with a consort to the Great Beast that speaks like a standard modern teenager.

Style:

As per previous reviews.

Flow/Pace:

Ditto.

Suggestions:

I did find a couple of typos that I'll list here.

“Come on then," I snarled. "What more do want from me?" Should be “...do you want…”

“Soon I will be walking through the gates of Paradise with August as my side.” “...at my side…”

Apart from which, I have to return to your description of the onset of the Apocalypse. If I were writing it, I'd downplay the physical aspect of the battle and concentrate more on the spiritual side of things. Which is easy to say but much more difficult to do. I know it's horror you're going for and you're probably right in your approach for this audience.

Then there's the matter of August's angel. I have to point out that the qualities you assign to her are impossible in an angel, if they are what they're supposed to be. She evidences in quick succession disgust, spite, smugness, mockery and cruelty. Altogether too human, if you ask me. I've seen other evocations of angels as being pure, innocent and lacking any understanding of our human passions. They function only in obedience to God's wishes (which is what makes them angels and not demons). Which is why it would be necessary to introduce a spiritual power into their war with the demons and interaction with humans. But that's how I would approach it. It may be that the more physical view is more suitable for a horror story. Another matter for discussion between us, perhaps.

Overall Impression:

The story progresses but there's more for me to comment on this time. You may have noticed! Remember that this is my opinion and it's likely to be very different from most, especially when we encroach on spiritual concerns. You don't have to take any notice of my thoughts in that case.



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 2 Lamentations

Initial Impression:

Getting to the nitty gritty with this one. Never mind the mischievous pranks, here's the real thing! All jolly good stuff and just a few niggles like typos and omissions to tweak. I'll list them under the Suggestions banner. Otherwise, it's all good, a traditional Hell well described and an inevitable end for Vern (who was altogether too good to be a demon).

Title:

Lamentations - very biblical. In fact, I can see you've been reading in Revelation at least. But it's a totally honest description of what the reader is about to find.

Content:

Big jump in location from the park bench in Part 1 to the beach in Part 2. Had to go back to the end of Part 1 to make sure I hadn’t missed something. Reading on a few sentences fixed the problem, it becoming apparent that the beach was more symbolic than an actual place. But you might want to consider working something into the first sentences of Part 2 to ease the transition.

Otherwise, it's a powerful description of one level of Hell and the inhabitants thereof. Which reminds me of an exchange I heard in the factory years ago. One fellow, for reasons unremembered, exclaims, "Fookin' 'ell!" To which his wag of a friend replies, "For your sake, I 'ope they do!" Raising an interesting theological question but not relevant here, I think.

Yet another cliff-hanging ending. Having seen Bell's dreams of romance crushed in the first part, now her closest friend has his head literally crushed by his boss. How is poor Bell to manage without him? No doubt, the replacement sent by Lilith will be a good deal nastier (not least because he'll have heard of the fate of his predecessor) and we fear for Bell's future. All good ways to draw us on to the next part.

You're good at this, aren't you?

Style:

I mentioned the few slips in grammar I picked up this time. Apart from that, the writing is as flawless as ever.

Flow/Pace:

As per Part 1.

Suggestions:

“Vern slowly flew ahead as I tread over the uneven path.” In England the past tense of “tread” is “trod.” I’ve not heard that the Americans say “tread,” for past tense, although I know there are other words where we differ in this regard (f’rinstance in the States you say “pled” whereas in England it’s “pleaded”).

“reliefs of body intertwined,” Just the one body? “Bodies” would be more usual if intertwined. Ah and, reading on, I see that there are indeed several bodies involved.

“Sensual fresco decorated the tile floor,” Either “A sensual fresco” or “Sensual frescoes.”

“Turns out I'd lost in the depths of Hell.” Should be “lost it in the depths…

Overall Impression:

This Part definitely keeps the story moving along with some excellent description and continuous action. I have no doubt that the reader will be seriously hooked by now and avid to see what happens. Which is a case in point, really. She's cast as the future Whore of Babylon? That's a pretty big role for her to play and I can't wait to see how you work this one out.



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254
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review of Siren's Testament Part 1: Revelation

Initial Impression:

This is going to be difficult, not because there is much to say, but because I have found nothing wrong so far. If I begin to sound like a fanboy, it will be because you write too well for me to make any picky or niggling comments.

Title:

"Siren's Testament" works well at stimulating interest. The word "Siren" is full of suggestion and the reader can read all sorts of things into this. The life story of a wrecker and ravager of sailors? The terrible tale of a harlot's progress? Some juicy possibilities indeed! To find out, we must read on. So "Revelation" is just what we're seeking and there it is in the title of the first chapter.

Content:

The story is of a young girl whose imaginary friend turns out to be a mischievous demon named Vern. The development of the relationship between the two is excellently shown through incident and interchange. Although the actions suggested by the demon become more and more serious and there is some risk in losing the reader's sympathy for the girl, this is kept to a minimum by the lighthearted tone of Vern's conversation. When the real conflict arrives, the advent of an angel into the fray, most readers will stick with Jezebel. It may be a matter of arcane theology as to whether angels call people insulting names but it sure helps to keep the reader on side!

It is interesting to me that the angel is female. I know of no female biblical angels in the Bible and it is more likely that they are genderless. Which is an aside only and has no bearing on the piece at all - if something is only vaguely described in the authorities, the writer is free to build whatever he wants on the existing foundation.

Style:

I find your style very easy to read and without serious flaw. I, personally, would never use this modern trick of achieving emphasis by WRITING. SENTENCES. OF. ONE. WORD. ONLY. but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's my opinion that there are pre-existing ways of adding stress to a statement. But I'm a dinosaur after all and have no doubt that this method of punctuation for effect will become as common as the comma.

At this point I should mention that it is unlikely that I have much to say under this and the next headings in my reviews of later chapters. Style, flow and pace do not usually change between chapters so I will only be commenting in these areas when I notice something unusual happening.

Flow/Pace:

Your writing flows well and you are in total command of pace, selecting just the right gear for action, reflection and conversation. What more can I say? I'm not going to invent problems so that I can make the review longer. At the very least, you could make the occasional typo for me to leap on.

Suggestions:

My previous sentence was not a genuine suggestion, I hasten to add. There is really nothing I can add to attempt improvement in this piece.

Overall Impression:

A fine bit of writing telling an interesting story. I can't wait to find out where you're going with this. Excellent stuff.



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Review of Times Loss  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Review of Times Loss by Jason

Initial Impression:

I must admit that my first impression was that I have no idea what you're trying to say. First impressions are important since they decide the reader whether to continue reading or to give up. If the reader gives up, there is no second impression.

Title:

Bit of a mystery, this. Did you mean "the loss belonging to Time?" In which case it should be "Time's Loss." "Times" can be either the plural of "time" or it can function as a verb. Neither helps the title to mean anything to me. This becomes important, as we shall in my later comments.

Content:

Your big problem with the poem is that its meaning is obscure. The title gives no help in this. As it is, the reader has to attempt to find his way without any idea of what you're writing about. Unfortunately, it doesn't become any clearer as we read on. The net result is that we have a series of apparently unconnected statements and words that may convey some sense of feeling (although even that is very confused), but leave us without a hold on any meaning. In other words, the poem fails to communicate.

Communication has to be the aim in all writing or the writer might just as well keep what he writes to himself. And that means that, no matter how painful it becomes, the writer must allow the reader to know what the piece is about. It's not wrong to expect a bit of work from the reader, but some indication is necessary or the reader will stop reading. For instance, if you had titled the poem "Society Rejects," that would give the reader a basic foundation, a pointer to the meaning of the lines that follow.

Understand that I speak from experience. My first attempts at poetry were so obscure that even I had difficulty in understanding them at times. Time taight me that the best writing is done when it costs the writer something in vulnerability. This is especially true in poetry. Poetry is forged in pain, tempered by anguish and shines with power as a result.

To demonstrate what I mean, let's have a look at your first stanza. "Just hatred brings them on" immediately raises the question, "Who are they?" I have no indication of that so must press on in the hope of an answer later in the poem. "Deciphering what's lost," makes me wonder who is doing the deciphering. No one has been mentioned so far apart from the mysterious "them." Again, I have to continue to see if elucidation follows.

"Knowing what's gone." You may know but I certainly don't. I don't see why I'm kept in the dark about all this. Then "Life's time pass loss," is, apart from being ungrammatical, meaningless to me. What does it mean and how does it relate to what has gone before? You must surely see my problem here. I have no doubt you are talking about something that you feel deeply and passionately but I am left without any idea of what is causing you such feelings.

"Most of us grew." I'll take your word for it, although I haven't a clue how this relates to the rest of the poem. "s*** you bring I toss" makes me wonder if this a poem about a broken relationship. The problem with that is that the rest of the poem doesn't appear to have anything to do with such a thing. Towards the end of the piece, it seems to be shouting at society but, again, that's only a guess. And finally, "You already knew," which gives some support to the relationship theory but, unfortunately, I don't think I did know.

When we are young, many of us write poetry as a way to express the powerful emotions running through our lives. This is a cathartic experience for us but does nothing for anyone reading what is produced. It's not designed to communicate but is purely a release valve. Later in life, when we have passions more under control and communication becomes more important than release, that is when real poetry is written, words that take the reader by the hand or the scruff of the neck and lift them to experiences they did not expect. If you can aim for that now, imagine how good you'll be when you're old!

Style:

You're seeking the words and phrases that begin to express the feelings you have and then stringing them together without a great deal of concern for the reader. This results in a series of brief, explosive utterances that seem to have very little connection to the lines before and after them. You understand because you've done the thinking in between these lines but you must understand that the reader hasn't. He's missing the connections. Help him through from one thought to the next by showing how you arrived at the next statement.

There are a few errors in the poem and I'll point out the most obvious:

"Over comes" should be one word - "overcomes." Unless you really meant that "our meterial" (should be "material") comes over something, rather than beating it.

"Fore-being" is not a word. It has some sort of meaning to me but that may be a very different meaning from the one you intended. It is fine to invent words (poets do it quite often) but you should be sure that the meaning is obvious and cannot be taken another way.

It is a mistake to do away with punctuation entirely. You rob the piece of accuracy by leaving out punctuation and increase the possibility of misunderstanding.

Flow/Pace:

Rather jerky, thanks to the short lines and thoughts. I think the effort to rhyme does not help either. Several times you have had to use words that I'm sure are not exactly what you mean but they're in because they rhyme with something else. It's my opinion that you would do much better with free verse at this stage. Allow yourself the freedom to use the right word rather than the convenient rhyme.

Suggestions:

Just about everything I've written seems to have been suggestions. I'm sure you've had enough for the moment.

Overall Impression:

A wonderful reminder of some of my early poems. I'm not saying you should give up on poetry. It is a wonderful release and you will produce some really good things amongst all the catharsis. But remember, practice may not make perfect but it certainly makes better. Keep writing!



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting name, Adherennium. So much so that I enlisted Google's help in learning more. And you're certainly correct in pointing out the irony in the name. But I was drawn to your portfolio and having a tendency to start at the beginning, I read this piece first.

It is sheer delight. Comedy in the written word is excruciatingly hard to get right but, in this account, you have succeeded magnificently. I love the gentle and quiet way you present the engaging character of Father Ignatius Hepplethwaite and relaxed list of sayings that follows. Subtlety is exactly what is required in this sort of thing and you have achieved it with apparent ease.

I read every newsfeed post about Comedy in the hope of finding something worthwhile. Sadly, this has been a forlorn hope so far. Why has nobody mentioned that the great comedy killer is trying too hard? Clearly, you're way beyond that. Applause.

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Review of This Man  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Probably I shouldn't review this one (it's not as if it needs another after all those 28). I am such a sucker for this kind of thing, where the words roll off a smooth conveyor belt of sound and feeling, drowning me in their deliciousness. It's why Dylan Thomas is my favourite poet, the inevitable result of my being incapable of writing similar stuff.

So I can go ooh and ah while applauding, but you must take it with a pinch of salt, remembering that we always love most the things we cannot aspire to. I can only tell you how beautiful this poem (and the other two I read) is, what it makes me feel without really understanding why or how, envying that cascade of words that mocks my need for solid meaning.

As an old man myself, I recognise so much of myself in this poem but, if you were to ask me what, which verse affects me so, I could only make vague motions at a word here or a phrase there. And all I can do is wonder at the reasons for so many of your 28 previous reviewers denying you that final half star. Obviously, I am too in awe to be a good reviewer for you.

Oh and happy account anniversary, by the way.

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Review of Claimed  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A vivid, detailed depiction of emotion in physical form, marred slightly by minor errors. For instance, the dog describing the size of the creature in the fifth paragraph is a German Shepherd, not Shepard, and, in the paragraph that follows, "a wide, gaping mouth full ragged, dagger-like teeth" it should be "full of ragged..." I mention these only because both interrupted the flow of reading the piece.

Otherwise, this is a powerful and gripping story that achieves exactly its object - to give the reader some idea of the effect depression can have on its victims. The descriptions are particularly effective through the avoidance of the usual clichés in favour of arresting and original comparisons. Horror may be the genre, but there is more to the intent of the author, the understanding of depression being as important in the motivation for the piece.

An excellent piece, thoroughly enjoyable.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." Paul Simon

And so does a woman, it seems. I love the picture chosen to illustrate the poem (although it illustrates a problem opposite to the one in the piece). You could definitely fit a thousand words in that one.

The poem makes a fine job of outlining the dilemma of so many husbands - how to answer the question "Does my butt look big in this?" In this case it's a mirror but the looming problem is the same in both instances.

There are one or two problems with meter but the poem flows well enough. The important thing is to lead toward the denouement and this it does very well. And the final line of advice is clearly the voice of experience. An amusing tale of a universal situation but still with an effective ending.

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Review of Just a Farmer  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. The lines flow like a woodland stream, the rhymes roll forth in perfect order and the tale itself trundles happily towards its conclusion. In my experience, the problem with rhyming poetry is that far too much of it contains rhymes that strain and struggle to accommodate themselves in the poem but really don't belong. "Exemplary" for example, is not a word that lives happily with "Mary." From the evidence of this poem, however, you have the knack of finding words that happily join the community of your meaning. They work and, in doing so, they do not jar and interrupt the reader, preferring to work with the others towards a pleasant experience.

The result is a poem that is clear, enjoyable and polished to a gemlike brilliance. The last line is, of course, the whole point, yet the entire poem works steadily towards the goal, preventing the tale from becoming a shaggy dog story. And it's funny.

Perhaps the funniest thing, however, is that I feel this way about most things I write. Far too often, I finish one thing and think I'll never manage anything that good again. And your poem makes me realise that I'm not alone in thinking this. Thank you.

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Review of The Cage  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
And the pun is mightier than the word. This is just the kind of joke that I love and the world hates me for. It matters not. A good pun is as clever as the funniest joke and a good deal less harmful. And, if you can spin out the build-up for a while, it can even qualify as a shaggy dog story.

Which reminds me... No, I'd better not tell that one. It's got me thrown out of enough places already.

But your story. It's the very epitome of the great rib ticklers, keeping its ammo for the very last line, as it does. When that comes with the brief pause as the brain goes, "Huh? I don't see...", it's the real pay dirt. Very well done - a gem of its kind.

I notice from the Note that others have suggested you write more of the setting of the story. Personally, I think that would be a mistake. As you said, the whole point of the story is the punch line and the rest is backdrop. Spend much more on that and the tale becomes a shaggy dog story. And we all know the reception those get. *Wink*

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Review of Recipe  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a little gem! You made me smile wider than any piece of writing I can remember, especially with the last line.

The choice of rhyme is well-suited to this type of poem and you keep up the rhythm and meter very well. It flows exceptionally well and allows the reader to concentrate on the meaning of the words, rather than how to say them. The line "Two belly buttons, fresh or canned" is inspired and proof of a mischievous imagination behind the poem. And that final line still makes me grin.

It's a masterpiece of the eight-line genre. And I should know, having written hundreds of 8-liners! Applause for a job superbly done and in so few words.

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Review of Tome at Last  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This took me through the whole gamut (whatever that is) of emotions. The clue was in the title but, having failed to notice that the first time around, I took everything quite seriously with the first stanza. From that point on, the comic situation presented by the poem became increasingly obvious until, in the last stanza, all is revealed and we can smile at last. It's quite a tour de force and very cleverly done.

Any writer would sympathise with the story that unfolds and I am no exception. It's just self publication that proves beyond my ambition. But kudos to the protagonist in daring the task of typesetting.

I must admit that I find rhyming to be hard to take seriously nowadays. It is so overused in adverts, nursery ditties and the public's imagination that I rarely use it. But you have a good eye for a rhyme that doesn't smack one in the eye or give a smile where none is intended. In fact, your poem gives weight to my theory that rhyme is only appropriate today in poems that are intended to be comic. What power that remains to rhyme is then most effectively used.

All in all, it's a most enjoyable poem, especially to those of us who have experience in the writing game.

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Review of Dearly Beloved  
Review by Beholden
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this a lot. You're a weaver, taking the threads of events and weaving them into a pleasing tale. The history of Ed and Rosie is the first thread and around it are the season of cold and Halloween, the afghan, woven in her own story by Rosie, now the old man's comfort as he seeks protection from the cold and, finally, the poem, a voice raised in harmony to Ed's experiences. It's a simple story made beautiful by the carefully chosen threads that make up the complete picture.

Clearly, you have the sense of timing to know when each quote should be inserted, to echo the events as they proceed in the story, the cold and the old man's cough returning at intervals to remind us of Ed's frailty, and the afghan, reminding us again and again of Rosie herself.

The writing is clear, simple and expressive, and the reader is eased along through the story, becoming one with it as you weave your spell. I found no flaws or grammatical errors and enjoyed reading the tale immensely.

Oh, and Happy Account Anniversary too!

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Review of Stranded  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I see it was your account anniversary yesterday. Well, that means you get a review from me. Sorry, but it's a danger we must all face sooner or later!

Stranded was chosen for word count. Especially when on a raid, time is of the essence, so it's reasonable to limit a piece to circa 1,000 words. Poetry is more difficult to review so different rules apply. Anyway, it's my approach and it works for me.

Interesting that you state the genre as Travel and Experience. I hope none of your vacations was like this (although the setting is quite idyllic). If it were me, I'd have chucked Horror in there as well.

It's a powerful little story that is gradually and systematically revealed in all its goriness. Most expertly done! Date is not mentioned but, from the fact of the vacation cruiser having broken down must put it as second half of the twentieth century at the earliest. I would have though it'd be difficult to find a tropical island inhabited by cannibals so recently but it matters not - the story is too much fun to let that spoil our enjoyment.

I must congratulate you for your handling of the denouement. Holding back the gory details was the way to go, allowing the reader to supply the real horror of the situation in imagination.

Altogether, this is a fine story, simple but shocking in its plot and written with a light but competent touch. Bravo!

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations as being the featured Anniversary Reviewer for Anniversary Reviews this month!

Which is why I had a dig around in your portfolio, of course. Everything seemed to lead to Meeting Simon... so this is my review.

It's a heart-warming story, although I had a moment of doubt when it became apparent that "it was all a dream." This is not used in the "cheat" form so forbidden in the recommendations of writing, however, it being the whole point of the story. Add to that the fact that it can be taken as real (as I did on first reading) and the wagging finger pales into insignificance.

The strength of the story is that it's grounded in reality, proceeding as it does from your circumstances at the time. All leads to the extract from the Serenity Prayer which proves to be God's answer to the desperation of your initial prayer. It's a finely worked, straightforward plot that is very satisfying in its completeness.

Your writing is uncomplicated, honest and with an immediacy that speaks of personal experience. There are no grammatical errors for me to quibble about and a joy to read entirely. Well done.

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Review of Invasion  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Vegetable invaders from space at last! It's different, especially in the mysterious telepathic connection between the aliens and Gabriel's dreams. He should read more science fiction - then he'd have picked up the correlation between his dreams and the invasive species in his garden a little earlier. The reader does and it becomes merely a matter of finding out how it all pans out.

Therein lies a minor problem. The more obvious it becomes that the plants are actually invaders trying to establish a foothold on earth and that Gabriel is experiencing their thoughts and feelings in his dreams, the more the reader becomes torn between the two sides. It's natural that we should support Gabriel's struggles to protect his patch of the earth, but then we begin to feel sympathy for the aliens, driven from their home planet and just wanting a bit of ground to re-establish themselves. Their tiny screams are the point at which the straw breaks the camel's back. We no longer care that Gabriel sleeps soundly - we no longer root for anyone.

Being able to see both sides of the story is a fine thing but not very good for taking sides. And most stories require that we root for the guy in the white hat and boo the baddies. Maybe that was your intent but I'm not sure it's a wise policy for a writer.

But it's still a most enjoyable story, well written and entertaining.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your portfolio asked me how you're doing. I'd have to say pretty well, going by this little tale. Of course, the intro to the port was written some time ago so you've had plenty of time to improve before writing this piece. Maybe this is the moment to adjust the intro in that case.

The story itself is a pleasant bit of flash fiction with a gentle surprise in the tail. It's romance so it doesn't matter that there's not a huge amount of conflict before the denouement. The writing is very competent, without errors, and maintains the reader's interest through to the end. I do wonder, however, whether the setting is Bradford, England, or Bradford, somewhere else. Living in New England, I am surrounded by towns borrowing the place names of my homeland and I get a bit confused at times.

Thanks for an entertaining read.

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Review of Brick by Brick  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A great piece of writing, good characterisation and atmosphere, but goes nowhere in the end. It would make a wonderful introduction to a story and now all you have to do is write the story. As it is, it's a vignette that demonstrates you can write and know how to set scenes. Which is a pity, since it's a great hook.

I want to know what happened in El Salvador for a start.

There are a few typos and other errors but nothing serious. I'll tell you where they are if you turn it into a story. It's such a pity to let that meticulously built atmosphere of twentieth century spy story atmosphere of world weary, bored cynicism go to waste. I know the necessary inspiration for a full story comes along only after hard work (for all I know, you're waiting for it before continuing) but this is really worth it.

As they say in WdC, keep writing.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now this is a fun little piece. I like it, especially as I have a similar relationship with my own characters ("And stories," muttered a curmudgeonly old man seated in a corner). There is nothing more refreshing than a person taking themselves to task for a perceived failing.

It's beautifully written, too, without error or typo and in straightforward, clear language. I love the amusing details thrown in at no extra charge - "He was holding a hand to his pasty face to see if his breath really was that bad."

Having read a few of your stories at random, I have to wonder why you seem to limit yourself to so few words. I know that some are entered for flash fiction contests but others aren't, and yet still you keep things short. It would be good to read a few longer stories (or maybe I missed all those).

It was still a most enjoyable read. Thank you.

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Review of The Shrieking  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of The Shrieking by Kåre Enga in Montana

Initial Impression:

Noticed the unusual formatting straight away. Nothing wrong with that - an interesting departure from the norm. The first section had me wondering if I was reading fan fiction. Shrek and Fiona? Surely too close to be a coincidence. Of course, reading the rest of the chapter made these two almost fade from memory. But you wouldn't have mentioned them only to allow them no further part, surely. If this were really just the first chapter of a book, I'd have to read on to find out. Which has to be a point in its favour.

Title:

Inevitably recalls The Shining. It's a striking title but I leave it to you to decide whether it's a good thing to remind the reader of anything by Stephen King.

Content:

I have to mention the construction of the scarecrow here. Railroad ties? That's one hefty brute of a scarecrow! It would require fairly significant engineering skills to rig a frame with those slabs of wood, but I'll let it pass as maybe the farmer is gifted in that way and enormously strong as well. The scarecrow is going to last and last, however - that's certainly true!

Otherwise, the chapter is clear and easy to understand, although the separation into sections does make it a bit disjointed and demand some keeping up by the reader. You also expect the reader to work out who is who but that's no bad thing.

I do, however, feel you're selling yourself a bit short in the length of the chapter. Sure, there are no limitations set in either direction but you are missing the chance to add greatly to the atmosphere and tension by being so brief. A bit more description of the characters (fine to do it in dialogue but they're going to have to be a bit more chatty in that case) and of the marsh. I particularly want to know what the marsh is like. Marshes are all about atmosphere, in all senses of the word.

Finally, it was a good idea to have the foreshadowing of old Ben getting someone to do his job for him. It keeps the reader wanting to know what happens and how. But what is Ben doing in a marsh, anyway?

Style:

Faultless as regards grammar and typos and the like. Good dialogue too. And the courage to try something different as well. All that remains is to convince me a whole book could follow this chapter, that's all.

Flow/Pace:

No problem with either apart from its shortness.

Suggestions:

As usual, I've done all that already. Maybe I should take out this section...

Overall Impression:

I like the originality of the approach to writing and the unusual plot. But I think it does suffer as a credible first chapter through its brevity. Add a bit more description and take us through a bit more slowly. Let us feel the place and the people.



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review of The Scarecrow's Secret: Chapter One by LightinMind

Initial Impression:

You're right, it is a strange place to have scarecrow. In fact, I don't have a clear picture of the landscape in which the action takes place but it's stated that the scarecrow is not in the middle of any field planted with crops (which would be the usual place). Instead, the farmer seems to have placed it at the edge of the fields.

So I'm a little confused about the setting but then comes the big surprise at the end of the chapter. This is the hook that makes the reader want to continue into the next chapter. A scarecrow that turns out be the actual skeleton of a dead person certainly begs for explanation. It looks as though this is going to be the main point of the book.

Title:

This is fairly intriguing. Do scarecrows have secrets? I imagine most people would be interested in finding out the answer to that in general and to this one in particular. Which means the title succeeds in its aim.

Content:

As I mentioned, I'm a little confused at the setting in which this takes place. The couple seem to be walking through a forest, then they come to a pond and ultimately to the scarecrow. This is on a rise ("it is quite a view") and the fields are spread out before them. It's all a bit vague, however, and I think you need to concentrate more on how these landscapes blend into each other, rather than becoming too poetic in your descriptions. For instance, this sentence puzzled me and seems uncertain as to the effect it wants to induce: "Sarah laughed at the sight and her laughter felt to her like the sound of Summer in a land waiting to die." To me, the sound of summer is the sound of lawnmowers. I'm fairly certain that you don't want me to imagine that the lady's laughter sounded like distant lawnmowers. But it goes beyond that. This is summer in a land waiting to die. Does that make summer sound different? And in what way is it waiting to die? The sentence may sound romantic but probably means different things to different people. Perhaps it's best just to let Sarah laugh without describing what it sounded like.

You seem to have a problem that I suffer from too (which is why it stands out to me, of course). There are times when you try to put too much into a single sentence. " As they walked they realized that they were overdressed shedding their jackets at the invitation of the warm wind that spoke also to the leaves on the tree." I think we can leave out the conversation with the leaves in this one.

Then we come to the last few sentences in which something falls off the scarecrow. There are far too many references to the word "bone" in the telling. It would be better not to use the word at all until Sarah realises what it is. Thereafter I would try to find alternatives so that I don't have to repeat the word too often.

There's nothing wrong with the essential story established in this first chapter. It's just that these minor matters can be a distraction to the reader and they are easily mended.

Style:

I think you would do well to concentrate more on making things simple, rather than on apparently poetic turns of phrase. The sound of summer is something very personal to each of us (before I came to America, summer meant the sound of ice cream vans to me). Think about the sound you want to describe and go for the simplest thing that is appropriate. Laughter is a hard one, I admit. Some have likened it to a rushing stream but there must be better descriptions than that. Avoid the dreaded hyena, however!

Flow/Pace:

The pace slowed in the long paragraph that brought us to the scarecrow. Simplifying the descriptions should help to keep up the tempo through this section.

Suggestions:

Basically, I can only suggest you keep things simple. If you can see what is happening and what it looks like, tell us that without trying too hard to make it sound pretty.

Overall Impression:

A good start to a book with plenty of hooks to draw the reader on. It needs some polishing but nothing too serious. A good effort.

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Review of Imagine  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
An interesting fantasy and one I wouldn't tackle in a million years. You make an amusing tale of it and I kinda like your muddy blue aliens. It did raise the question in my mind as to why aliens are almost always either blue or green. I think the next aliens I invent will be some really outrageous colour. Or even several colours, in stripes maybe, or polka dots.

It really is a fantasy, however. I mean, if you could work up a decent argument that everyone on Facebook would listen to and understand, I would suggest you use it to get some sense into the world in reality. But it's fine to dream, I guess. I'm afraid I'm with Benson in his final solution to the problem - curling up and crying. My version is to say nothing and pretend that I haven't noticed the problem.

The whole thing is well written, of course, and I found no errors or typos. Good luck in the contest! I haven't read the other entries but would be prepared to bet on yours.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this a thoroughly enjoyable read. Of course, I've not read more than a page or two of the Harry Potter books so I must presume that any similarity of scenario will fade as you get further into the plot. And that brings up my other thought on the piece: what sort of audience are you aiming at? You've rated it at 13+, so it's not for the youngest age groups, but I would guess that, charming as it is (pun entirely unintended, I assure you), it's not intended for older adults. So perhaps teenage to young adult? My feeling is that it's ideal for such a readership, but I could be wrong.

You wanted to know about plot, conflict, character, setting and theme. The plot looks as though it's going to be a series of events that go wrong (thereby causing the conflict), leading to a collection of similar tales. I think, if the aim is to write something as long as a book, you would need to develop the plot beyond these first few, exploratory episodes into a more general and larger story. Again, the similarity to the Harry Potter series raises its head. It may require some thought to take the story in an unexpected direction and so shake the comparison.

Character is developed to some extent, particularly in the case of the main protagonist and Ms Fangustin, and you have laid the groundwork for Mrs Leafbrook, Master Runebluff and Spellmaster Petrushkov. Presumably these will be developed further as you write more. The actual appearance of the characters does need a bit more detail; at the moment I really have no idea what any of them look like (except that I supply my own ideas in the absence of other information). Giving just a bit more detail can help in getting away from any stereotypes and assumptions in the reader's mind, especially if appearance is going to assist in the formation of character.

Pretty much the same goes for setting. Let us have a little more detail and it will add to the atmosphere.

And that's about it, I think. It's a fun read and has great potential, if only we can prevent the reader thinking Harry Potter all the time. Unless that's your intention and the whole thing is intended to be a spoof. Hmm, didn't think of that...

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I decided to read what you'd put on display at the top of your portfolio, since these would be the ones you most wanted people to read, I reasoned. And I'm glad that's how I chose to begin. The first, a poem, was an interesting form that I've not seen before. And you handled it well, with logical progression through the words and fitting rhymes that were not obtrusive. But there's not a great deal one can say about so brief a poem, so I went on to the second piece, What the Wind Blew In. This is the one I choose to review.

To begin with, I want to mention my final thought after reading. I glanced at the description of the piece and had a sudden doubt at the inclusion of the word "haunt." This may be a little too much info for anyone deciding whether to read the story or not. I'd leave it out so that the reader is guessing at the identity of the protagonist's visitors for as long as possible. Save the knock out punch for the final round, in other words.

Within the first few paragraphs, I had the feeling that I was reading the words of a poet. "...all the wolves of all the worlds were crying in loss and sorrow" and "the whip of snow lashing the world into shredded wounds of white," for example. Nothing wrong with that (a bit of poetic description does the soul good) but don't be too generous with it. Too much of it in prose and it becomes overly rich for most tastes.

To be quite honest, I don't find anything wrong with your writing. It is straightforward and generally uncomplicated, which fits well with modern taste. I see no grammatical errors and everything flows and trundles along quite happily. This piece does lack a certain oomph, but that's partly a matter of the initial idea. Is it enough to justify telling the story? Possibly not, and that's why we need to use a trick or two to give it more impact.

The girl enters and we are already suspecting that she's a ghost as you describe her clothing. It's old fashioned and the most likely explanation is that she's been out in the snow for an awfully long time. It's too early for us to tumble to the idea of "ghost." If you can hide it somehow, to keep the reader in suspense, and then reveal it in the last paragraph or two, the impact is much greater. So we might need to take a liberty or two and "forget" to mention the old fashioned clothing. It's a bit sneaky but fiction writers do it all the time.

The two puddles on the floor after the ghosts have gone are very poignant but run the risk of being associated with the snowman's demise on being invited in from the cold - was it a story called "Frosty the Snowman" or some such? Beware unintended triggers like that.

In the end it's a fine story but needs just a little more kick to it. I had a similar problem with a piece that was becoming more of a vignette than a short story and I had to throw in something that even I hadn't expected to give it a point. It's a short little thing and this is my opportunity to see if this review format will take a bitem link. Have a read if you feel like it.

 
STATIC
The Water Vole  (E)
A hiker stops to admire a country scene.
#2256342 by Beholden


In spite of my carping, this is really a fine little story. I'll review a few more as and when I find the time.

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