*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blowolf75
Review Requests: OFF
84 Public Reviews Given
112 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of "My Lady Mermaid"  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Rebecca,

One word: amazing. This poem really gives justice to the story. In fact, I think that if the story becomes a poem, yours will be the recognized version. It's pretty long (I had to stop several times), but how can you contain a story with just a few words? However, this can be a burden to most readers who are not very much into reading very long poems. The chunks of stanzas do not help either. Personally, I think that every line counts, but I think you can still find a way to shorten it down a bit and divide it into more readable stanzas. :)

But girl, you could rhyme! Modern poets today are into free verse poetry, having just internal rhymes and such. I'm really glad to be able to come across a formalist, old school poem such as yours. Your rhymes made the poem all the more endearing to read.

Really, great job! Keep on writing! :D

Mai
2
2
Review of Darkness  
Rated: E | (4.5)
ww, sad story. Really touching. The whole story's a metaphor of love that's forbidden, of love's that's not meant to be. So sad.

Anyway, I have these suggestions you may want to consider:

flinched at the onset of it's beauty - its

by the light that it shown - shone

I'm confused by this statement:

As he looked into the distance he could see a light in the darkness, sitting there as if though watching him from across the black void, her tears the only thing visible amongst the backdrop of night.

If she's Light, how come only her tears are visible in the backdrop of night?

Also, there are sentences in which you might consider using a comma.

Well, I really liked this story. Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice one! I thought at first it was going to be peppered with heavy stuff, but I think the casual and light tone you adopted for this piece is very fitting. I kind of got confused during the tea party itself, so I had to reread it before I finally got it. I don't know, maybe it's just me, hehe.

It's a good allegory of explaining your change in religion, and I like the part that God said that the Bible isn't his only word, that humans have already added embellishment in it. And I think that this line is so true: You haven’t lost your faith; it’s merely manifested itself as something different than my biggest religion has offered. I remember my past values teachers saying to us that salvation would be given not only to Christians but to everyone else who deserves it. A good pagan is a whole lot better than a corrupt Christian.

Right now, I'm very happy being a Christian. I hope that you too are still happy with the faith you've chosen. And I hope that we'll both find God's words in the path we've taken.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review of Potion of Beauty  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I liked the concept of the story; it has a classic plot. But then, the setting and the character development bothered me a bit.

You should have settled the setting from the start. I thought at first that it was a modern one, but the fact that LouAnne rode a horse made me think otherwise. Now I'm confused about the timeframe of the story.

With regards to character development, I got the impression that LouAnne is pretty bitchy, which didn't seem to be developed in the story. After reading it, I felt like I didn't know her at all. The handsome man, however, was sinister from start to finish, so good job on him.

I suggest you proofread this piece as I noticed many lapses in sentence construction and punctuations, and I have these few comments:

And If you looked deep into her plain brown eyes - It shouldn't be capitalized.

"Ah, I must get my boss for you then. Stand here, and don't touch anything!"

He said with a suspicious glare as the man limped away from her and left her in the strange shop alone. - Maybe you could put this in one paragraph.

*Flower2*I noticed some shifts in tenses. Better proofread it.*Flower2*

I am trully crazy. - truly

Though his words was kind - were

A few woman - women

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I am in need of a beauty potion. I heard by rumors when I was riding my horse that your small shop might supply such a thing. A few woman which I have talked to have sworn that your potion works. Could you possibly help me?"

LouAnne asked as her voice pleaded as it had before. She watched as the handsome man's face broke into a wide smile with glimmering white teeth. If she had been creeped out by the man before, his smile made her heart grip with fear. - Maybe you could also condense this into one paragraph.

*Flower2*There were also paragraphs that needed spaces in between. Better check it.*Flower2*

She noticed a shiver shoot up her spine as she could have sworn that the man's footsteps made no sound whatsoever - Maybe you could just say, "A shiver shoot up her spine..."

*Flower2*You could change the period into a comma in these instances:

1. 'It doesn't taste like anything.' LouAnne thought...

2. "Nothing." The man merely stated...

3. "HELP ME." She heard a raspy voice say...

The young woman gasped at her image which came to her eyes. - Maybe it would sound better simply like, "The young woman gasped at what she saw."

And have gotten what you have wished, you will make a wonderful addition to my little shop. - There seems to be an error in sentence construction.

Keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review of Bluebird  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That was great. I like how you write, how you made me feel the sadness of the character. I like the use of a bluebird as a symbolism. I haven't seen a bluebird (or if I did I don't remember), but then to understand your story it isn't necessary.

The setting was also very vivid. I don't know what else to say, but please take a look at this one:

So, here I was in the front pew of St. Casimir's - am, since the story's in the present tense.

Great job! Keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review of Devil Girl  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oh gosh. The twist was really cool! Tina must have been a psycho. I should've known the twist at first if I just paid close attention to the words, "niece and daughter." Nice one!

Suggestions:

The site was heartwarming - Are you referring here to the place, or the scene that he's watching? I think this should be sight.

You should check on your parallelism. I found this one: All George knew is he was tired of her always being around and absolutely fed up with her snooping. - I think you should change is to was [since you're writing in past tense]. Also, the second statement seemed unparallel to the first. Maybe you could add he was before absolutely to make it right. There are actually other unparallel statements I found, so you better proofread this.

they all watched the various females flit around the jocks - flirt

Brittany Spears - Are you referring to Britney Spears?*Laugh* That's okay. You're obviously not a pop fan.

He also avoided alcohol and they liked to party. - I found this sentence quite vague.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of Little Angel  
Rated: E | (3.5)
That was sad. Here in the Philippines, we take care of our parents when they're already old. There are only a few nursing homes here because we love our parents and we never abandon them. I hope you'll do the same for your parents.

You did a pretty good job in exposing the life of someone in a nursing home. However, I think you should review the Show Don't Tell rule.

Suggestions:

There were many run-on sentences. Maybe you could proofread this. Also, there were sometimes big spaces in between words even though the sentence was not yet finished. Again, proofreading will do the trick.

Watch out for your punctuations. Sometimes you place a period even though the sentence has not yet ended, resulting to fragments.

There's too much telling going on instead of showing. Instead of just saying Eileen didn't want to be treated like a baby, give situations in which she showed her independence. You gave such situations, but then there's still too many descriptions that aren't already needed because you already showed us her independence. Also, you revealed too much about the character during the first part. Let her speak through her actions.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked the internal monologue of Archibald, aka Izzy. And I really liked this story. Simple, but strong. And you're right, not exactly Helen of Troy, but a cute little story. Like it.

One thing that bothered me though was the spacing. Please put spaces in betweeen your paragraphs [especially in the monologue part] for easy reading.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
That was awful. I heard there could be pretty bad storms in America, but I never imagined something like that, in detail. I mean, I've heard about the Hurricane Katrina (I hope you weren't affected by that), but I didn't know that it could be that bad. Here, something like that could never be experienced, except maybe in remote parts. I don't really know. I had never been caught up in a hurricane.

I don't know about Hurricane Ivan. When did this happen? And I'd like to ask why you were excited and scared at the same time. It's just weird, you know, to be excited.

This reminded me about the Asian tsunami last Dec. 2004 which almost reached us. Thank God it didn't. At that time I was in the province at my grandparents' house, and it is close to the beach, just about a 10-minute ride. We were supposed to go swimming in the beach that day with my uncles, aunts, and cousins. However, we woke up late so we decided not to go. Fortunate for us because later that day, the news said that more than a thousand perished in the tsunami that hit Thailand, India, etc. The only reason why the Philippines was not affected was because we were an archipelago, but if we weren't, I'm sure we would also be destroyed by the tsunami. Worse, we might have been the first ones to die if we went to the beach. It was a blessing in disguise.

Well, well. Nice use of imagery. You made me feel like I was there. I hope your house is already fixed by now.*Bigsmile* Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Maryann !

I liked how you narrated the story, though the details seem lacking. I

don't know, maybe you've written this for a flash fiction contest, and

this would explain why for me, it feels so cramped up. Maybe you

could make this longer, add more details, like why Mythos and Mason

has to get the sphere, why it's so powerful, why the Zircons stole it,

etc. There's just so many questions in my mind.

Also, it would be better if you add obstacles along the path of Mythos

and Mason in their quest for the sphere. It ended so abruptly, without

tension or conflict.

I hope you don't take offense in my review; it's just how I felt towards

this story. It was clean though. I didn't find any grammatical or

spelling errors.

Take care and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Intuey. You know, this really made me grasp the edge of my seat. Good job! I lke how you built the tension, I like the action scenes, I like the psychotic touch to it. They're both trying to kill each other! Ha!

*Balloon4*SUGGESTIONS AND A FEW RANDOM COMMENTS*Balloon4*

*Flower2*Who the hell does he think he is. - Shouldn't it be a question mark or at least an exclamation point instead of a period?

*Flower3*Comment: I noticed that the first two paragraphs are in the past tense, thile the rest is in the present tense. Maybe you could work on that.

*Flower2*he thinks we should end the relationship? - I think this should be a period, not a question mark. But then when I think about it, it can also be a question mark... your choice.*Smile*

*Flower2*don't have to be to work - don't have to get to work

*Flower2*what the hell are you doing, Diane? - The first letter should be capitalized.

*Flower2*}"drive!" - This should also be capitalized.

*Flower2*"stupid move, Bryan." - It should be capitalized too.

*Flower2*WHAM - Shouldn't you put some sort of excalamation point here to further emphasize it? But then, nice use of onomatopoeia.*Smile*

*Flower2*things are going to be different now. - You should capitalize things.

*Flower2*It's so dark -- I love you, Bry... - Could you put quotation marks on "I love you, Bry."

*Flower2*I see a shadow moving in the front of it - I think you should omit the.

*Flower3*What is a bunch of brush?

Overall, great story! I don't read much from the thriller/suspense genre, or action/adventure, but I'm glad I read yours. It's worth reading. Write on!

Meela

"Invalid Item" : Reviewed by a BCEC Reviewer
12
12
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello PeaceLAS. I like the concept of your story. However, I was distracted by your modifiers.

I appreciate you effort in making your story as vivid as possible, but I think the adjectives and adverbs are so plentiful

already. One advice: Kill the adverbs and adjectives. You could use them, but not too much. In this case, I think you've

used too much. No offense. You could still describe everything by means of actions of the characters. Also, you could

drop off some of the descriptions of the characters in a much latter scene, not in one blow, like what you did with

Persephone.

Nevertheless, you gave us a very good description of the characters inside and out. I guess that's one of the goals you

need to accomplish in chapter one: to introduce us to your characters. You did that pretty well. Congratulations!

I found some words that didn't seem to be appropriate to the tone of the story. I listed those below.

*Balloon4*SUGGESTIONS AND A FEW RANDOM COMMENTS*Balloon4*

*Flower2*from the very trees, the earth, the sky and everything around her. - I think you should put a comma

between sky & and.

*Flower3*Question: What do you mean by this? She heard the sweet release as the waves broke gently upon the

sand - What do you mean by sweet release?

*Flower2*searching the scarlet sea, and sand and trees, she must find the maker of such a beautiful

sound. - The 2nd comma should be changed to a semicolon.

*Flower2*Decrescendoing to a whisper - What a word... decrescendoing. Don't you think you

should change this into something easier to understand? But then, that's just a suggestion.

*Flower2*Sometimes you are such a freak!! - I think there should only be one exclamation point.

*Flower2*Then shivering a little more, drug her feet toward the open window - First, you should put a

comma between then and shivering. Second, it should be dragged. not drug.

*Flower2*passed the family photos - To make it parallel, I think you should change passed to

past.

*Flower2*vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream - You should put a comma between

syrup & and.

*Flower2*starred at the table - stared

*Flower2*OOO, check this out! - Maybe you could change this to Ooh.

*Flower2*wildflower covered valley - wildflower-covered

*Flower2*His dark wavy hair offset by piercingly blue eyes, fell over his forehead in a tousled mess. -

You could omit the comma.

*Flower2*Persephone smiled silently at her parents, love was something given freely in her home and she

was used to such displays. - You could change the comma to a semicolon.

*Flower3*Question: While they were eating, why did Persephone's parents pay too much attention to her? It's like they

didn't mind Orion much.

*Flower2*daughters hand - daughter's

*Flower2*fathers grasp - father's

*Flower2*Persephone turned left onto Senate Circle, silently praying her thanks for the good street

conditions, Texas drivers were notoriously ill-prepared to drive on snowy asphalt. - Change the second comma

to a semicolon.

*Flower2*petite, but shapely girl - Omit the comma.

*Flower2*rose colored - rose-colored

*Flower2*cherry stained - cherry-stained

*Flower2*Her blond hair braided on either shoulder loosely unraveling. - I think this should be

unraveled, if there is such a word. But nevertheless, I think this should serve as a verb, not an adjective.

*Flower2*daughters hand - daughter's

*Flower2*Orion hopped out of the car and, noticed an ‘80’s model - You should omit the comma.

*Flower3*Comment: The way Mrs. Clara Clay speaks is weird. Is she really like that, always formal?

*Flower2*Again she scanned her schedule, and again she saw only nothing interesting; Algebra II,

Physics, English, and Economics today, tomorrow; Swim Team, College Prep, World History and Study Hall. -

You should change the semicolons to colons.

*Flower2*Great, sighing Persephone pulled a pencil from her bag and began writing a note to Fiona. - Maybe

you could change it to this: Great, Persephone thought. Sighing, she pulled a pencil...

*Flower2*At least they had one class together, unfortunately it was Mr. Piedmonts’ 4th period Algebra II

class - Change the comma to a period.

*Flower2*English teacher, Mrs. Meadows handed out text books - Put a comma after Mrs. Meadows.

*Flower2*three page - three-page

*Flower2*You are so mean girl. - Maybe you could put a comma after mean

*Flower2*Mr. Piedmonts classroom - Piedmont's. This was also repeated later.

*Flower2*his faded into his usual unattractive frown - he

*Flower2*...get outta here.” Persephone added... - Chane the period to a comma.

I like the ending of chapter one. It makes the reader want to read more of your story.

Good luck with the succeeding chapters. Write on!

Meela

"Invalid Item" : Reviewed by a BCEC Reviewer
13
13
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mantis. That was a very well thought-of story. And a different way of viewing writer’s block. When I first read the intro of your story, I thought, “I’m going to love this piece.” And I did. You didn’t disappoint me. Good job!

However, I got confused in the ending: You mean we have to believe in the existence of the writer’s block [which was, of course, symbolized by the vampuninspires], and then our creative juices would keep on flowing? That’s weird. I know this is just fiction, but fiction must also follow logic. Besides, this is an unanswered question in my head.

*Balloon4*SUGGESTIONS AND A FEW RANDOM COMMENTS*Balloon4*

*Flower2* the truth is actually , far, far more sinister. – I think you should remove the first comma.

*Flower2* Indeed, the writer’s amongst you – There should be no apostrophe in writers .

*Flower2* over enthusiastic – I’m not sure about this, but it’s better if this is spelled as overenthusiastic .

*Flower2* they have developed another , deep seated need – Again, omit the first comma. And I think it should be deep-seated .

*Flower2* Compared to you ; sloths, trolls and supermarket trolleys, have eminently superior designs. – The semicolon should be changed to a comma.

*Flower3*Question: Why is there a period above paragraph 4?

*Flower2* must be hard being born into a family that truly , doesn’t believe you exist. – I think you should omit the comma.

*Flower2* They don’t drain creative juices to be nasty , they do it to survive. – The comma should be a semicolon.

Anyway, this is really good. Love it. Write on!

Meela

"Invalid Item" : Reviewed by a BCEC Reviewer
14
14
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow. I like your piece even though it somehow struck to me. Haha. I always put something in my handle just to let everyone know that, "Hello, I'm losing my upgrade, can anyone help me?" But I try real hard to earn GP's, especially through reviewing (I recently made it a point to review 5 items a day). I also ask from angel groups, but unfortunately, I still got no help from them as of now. And I'm panicking already. Aargh. I really wish someday I could afford my own upgrade.

Well, you're the 6th person I reviewed for today. Haha. Write on!*Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Rated: E | (5.0)
Let me get this straight - the main character is a turkey? That's a nice twist! Haha!*Laugh* Here in my country we have no such thing as Thanksgiving, but I know that there's a lot of turkeys cooked in the oven during that time. I really liked the twist. Good job!

Just a couple more comments:

*Smile*I love the first sentence. Very catchy opening.*Smile*

we knew we there would soon be ice on the water and snow in the fields. - I think you should omit the second 'we'.

Good one! Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review of Life  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice insights. I liked it, and I totally agree with what you've written. We need to enjoy life, and be happy!

I've just noticed these few minor corrections: Watch out for spellings!

bulliten - bulletin

they don't have hardly any control over what happens. - I think you should omit 'don't', if you mean people almost have no control over what happens. The word 'hardly' already stresses your point, so the word 'don't' isn't needed anymore.

there daughter's birthday party, or there son's first baseball game. - their. This is repeated several times.

My life is an on going process - ongoing

do great somtimes - sometimes

Live your life to it's fullest. - its

Nice job! Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Rated: E | (3.0)
Sad, sad story, but very predictable. No offense, but the plot has been used a number of times already. But it's not bad. I myself wrote such stories a loooong time ago. I just have these things to point out:

*Smile*It would be better if you put spaces in between paragraphs. Remember that the appearance of the text in your story could either encourage or discourage your readers to read on.*Smile*

The wind was blowing and made face cold after the warm tears fell down them. - It would have sounded better like this: The wind was blowing and made my face cold after the warm tears fell down on them.

*Smile*The sudden shift of scenes, i.e., when she was crying and his departure the next day, was a bit awkward. Maybe you could put some smooth transitional lines like, "The day of his departure inevitably dawned. I went with him and watched his plane disappear into the sky." Just something like it.*Smile*

When the plane was entering the sky, it looked so small. - 'Entering' doesn't seem to be the right word.

I still remember working on that painted, paper, pumpkin when we were small. - No need to use commas.

I had so many people ask me, “So, Sally, where is your Jack.” It was all I could do not to cry. I went through the party and the only thing that kept the tears from falling was ironically the reason they wanted to fall in the first place. - I'm kinda confused with these statements. What is that only thing that you could do so as not to cry? What is the reason?

I would have liked to know why her boyfriend went away. I understood that they used to spend Halloween together, but why did he leave now? I liked your idea of Halloween, because few people would think of Halloween as something romantic. And also, it's very timely.

So, I hope you'd continue to write. God bless! Take care!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am having some difficulty envisioning Santa's elves nowadays, eversince I've finished reading Tolkien. Tolkien's elves had been etched in my mind already, haha. And they're definitely different from the work-elves of Santa.

I've always loved Christmas. I really liked reading your story since it made me feel the Christmas spirit already. I felt like a child, and for a moment I made myself believe that Santa's magical world really exists, just like what I believed in when I was a five-year old kid. Those were lovely, carefree days.

The only problem for me here is that I expected to read about the Chocolate Holiday. I thought what Edgar and Chauncy was talking about was a prologue of what's coming up in the story. Instead, the story ended before the part that I expected had even begun. I think the title isn't applicable for the story.

I want to point out these things:

I miss the forest something terrible. - What does this mean?

*Smile*I love the names of the snow children.*Smile*

Santa sat there for awhile - I think this should be 'a while'. There's should be a space between the two words, since it is preceded by the word 'for'.

These are just my suggestions. You're free to disregard all of these. Anyway, you're still one of my favorite authors here in Writing.com.*Bigsmile*

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Hell Found Me  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
At first I thought the narrator was a man, until I came upon the word Nana that Abby used to refer to her. Haha.

Anyway, I really liked your story. I liked your use of metaphors in some parts. You made me feel how heartless and cruel the State is. I feel pity towards Abby. What the State's doing to Abby is simply not right.

Hell found me. It found all of us. We heard its door slam shut; we heard the lock click; we heard the ensuing silence. And it was deafening. - I loved this part. Nice use of, umm, personification? Whatever. But I really loved it.

mental coin toss - Shouldn't this be 'toss coin'?

head over heals - heels

Now way. - no

*Smile*I'm having trouble with the quotation marks in most parts of the story. I don't know who's saying what.

Just a question: Is this a true story? It seemed so real to me. How sad.

Anyway, good job! Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought your story was really nice, though the sudden turn of events caught me off-guard. The lottery thing, though it remains applicable to the title, seemed not right for me. I think your story would be stronger if you just focus on one main theme, that is, the relationship of Elmer and Harriet. As I understood it, the conflict was not resolved. The conflict here is about Harriet not showing up for her wedding, but you left it just like that. I mean, what happened to Harriet?

Also, Harriet's age got me really intrigued. Actually, I was so intrigued with Harriet's whole being; she seemed so mysterious, like she's withholding a really deep, dark secret. Harriet, in my opinion, is the main character here. She's far more interesting than Elmer, though I found him adorable.

A couple of minor things I'd like to point out:

*Smile*If there's chapter two and three, where is chapter one? Maybe you could indicate it at the start so that your readers don't get confused.

She actually got mad that you said that? Was this the first time she reacted like that to something? - Shouldn't this be in quotation marks?

One last thing: I loved your characters. They seemed real. Crazy, but real.

Good job and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review of Crystal Ball  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! Your story reminded me of a game called "Uncle Julius and the Anywhere Machine." That got me playing for hours.*Bigsmile*

I have a few comments and suggestions here. Understand that these are just my opinions and you may or may not follow these:

But it was a pretty bauble, and in his life there wasn't much room for such useless things...so he brought it home. - I don't see the logic here. In his life there is no space for useless things, but he brought home the crystal ball in which he has no faith upon. How come?

Through the crystal ball, the picture of the two creatures fighting was visible... - Is this illusion in the crystal ball a scene in King's book?

*Smile*What is a ka-tet? I've never read the book, I'm sorry.

*Smile*I would appreciate a little more description on Stanley, both inside and out. I know that he's emaciated, but I don't know if he's old or young. I don't exactly know the color of his hair, whether it's long or not, or the color of his eyes. I don't know what happened to him that made him bitter about his life, aside from the fact that he could not walk. Was that enough motivation for him to commit suicide?

He took a deep breath…yes, the air was fresh and invigorating, but underneath was the smell of decay. - How could the air be fresh and smell decayed at the same time?

legs he was all ready beginning to take for granted - I think it should be 'already'

Since the accident, I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. - A sudden change of point of view. Maybe you could italicize this bit.

Stanleys face - Stanley's

*Smile*Regarding the description of your monorail, I thought it's going to play an important part in the story. You described it really well, even in the smallest detail, but you left it just like that. I mean, what's the point of it if you're not gonna use it?

*Smile*The thing about the corpses really bothered me. What is it with them? You never explained why there were corpses and why there was this mysterious guy Flagg suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

The problem I found here is that everything seems to be highly instinctive that there's no more room for logic at all. He followed his instincts too much. He entered a house and ate food there without even thinking of what the food might do to him. What if it's already rotten? What if it's poisonous? It did not even occur to him that he might be the next corpse thrown into the grocery.

I liked the part with Flagg, wherein Stanley finally made his own decision. I don't know what's going on in his mind, what he's planning to do if he ever escaped Flagg, but since it's fantasy there's always an easy way out. Good for you.

I also noticed that there's a part wherein you used the sense of smell to describe the place. I'd like to commend you for that, since the sense of olfaction is overlooked most of the time. It's nice that you remember to use all five senses in writing descriptions. In effect, the way you described every scene gave me a very vivid picture of the place.

Well, that's it. Keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You know, tigers remind me of our school mascot.*Bigsmile*

This is a very unbelievable story. It’s original, yet I still can’t believe that something like this could happen. Well, sometimes elephants escape from carnivals, and they go tramping around in the city, but it’s very rare. But it’s possible anyway.

Here are some typos I noticed, and also some small suggestions:

exending
*Snow1*extending

shoke hands
*Snow1*shook

I put a copy of his last book on top of the clothes in my basket, I hoped to use it to open a conversation.
*Snow1* Instead of using a comma, why not use a semicolon?

he seemed nervous, I was puzzled
*Snow1*I think a period instead of a comma would be better.

shoook
*Snow1*shook

getting ready to attack.
*Snow1*I think you forgot to place a closing quotation mark after this statement…

it did happened
*Snow1* it did happen

Nice job! Next time I go outside, I’d be really wary… you never know what creature you would encounter!*Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of The Room  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Now this is great. I loved it.

The theme of the story – euthanasia – is something that I have mixed feelings about. I usually have a strong view about things, like saying no to abortion and divorce, but I’m not really sure about euthanasia.*Confused* It’s a very hard process for the loved ones of the dying person, especially since they’re not really sure if the person is still there or not. It’s an immoral thing to do, but everyone would suffer if they don’t do it. It’s simply so complicated. I hope I don’t get the chance to choose that option someday.

But anyway, keep on writing. Great job!

I’m really happy to be back in your port.*Delight*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Kurt is really a bright boy, to think of “saving humanity” in such a way. An impressive and very lovable character. The plot was also good – simple, yet profound in meaning.

I just felt that some of the dialogs seemed forced to me, like:

*Snow2*"The fact is, that thing, there, is only a shoebox, eh. It could not, I suppose, do some miracles in a flash. People control their own emotions. They shouldn't depend on some insane, therapeutic box of yours, eh." a man with a a stubbly beard said.

*Snow2*"I am so happy right now!" Mr. Herrera chuckled as he let go of the words.

I don’t know, it just didn’t sound right. I can’t imagine a man with a stubbly beard explain the shoebox in that way.

I also have a few suggestions…

The double-chinned lady in her forties then disappeared and the door was shut with a bang.
*Snow2*This description of Aunt Celia had already been made before… Maybe you could replace it with some of her other attributes.

a man with a a stubbly beard said.
*Snow2*Just a typo… you doubles the a’s

"I'll be lying if I said no," Mr. Herrera smiled a brimming one.
*Snow2*I think the comma after no should be a period.

you were referring to awhile ago?
*Snow2*a while

…and a couple of questions too:
*Question*You used the word ‘harrumph’… was that an expression or something? Haven’t encountered that before…

*Question*In the end Kurt obviously knew about Aunt Celia’s evil plan, which made me wonder, how did he know about it before his death?

Anyway, you did a good job here. I loved this story of Kurt, who in his young age tried to affect people in such a simple way. Keep it up and write on, k’neto!

Here to help,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

PS:I haven’t really finished editing my story, Paalam, but thanks again for the corrections. However, I don’t really want to drop the horror theme, but maybe I’ll just lessen the ominous feeling in Ella’s words. Thanks again! *Bigsmile*
25
25
Review of Deliberations  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I like your story. The POV you used was really effective, and the hurt the main character was feeling [for being so submissive, not realizing it, and finally almost not getting over it] was very pronounced. I enjoyed reading it, for I can relate to it somehow.

*Exclaim*I love this line. Actually, I love the whole paragraph which contains this line:

Not helping, not willing to get their hands bloody, but content with knowing that they were part of something bigger.

How very true.

Anyway, I noticed some typos here… think you may want to change it:

backwards glance.
*Balloon2* Think it should be backward glance .

coffehouse
*Balloon2*coffeehouse

and rush back to whatever task they had at hand
*Balloon2*”rushed” – the whole scene is in the past tense

Idealogic
*Balloon2*ideologic

who's whole they would never truly comprehend
*Balloon2*whose

I was absolutley nothing. And thats exactly how you liked it.
*Balloon2*absolutely
*Balloon2*that’s

overlayed
*Balloon2*overlaid

One more thing: I think you should check your rating; I guess it should be GC instead of 18+ because of the many instances of the F word. I'm not sure though. Just check on it will ya?

Great job! You affected me with your story. Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
30 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blowolf75