This is very well done Pony Tale...I understood what you were trying to convey with your wonderful words about Asperger's syndrome. My daughter is an Aspie and it rang true of what she must go through as well. Thanks for writing this! Paige
This is wonderfully written with metaphors that work so well given the subject matter, Dead_snowflake. Your empty shell cannot be broken, padlocked shut by a rusty bolt you remained untouched a very good example of this!
Your emotions run free here and the pain is obvious. A very truthful look at what a death can do to some people who've lost a loved one, unfortunately.
Just a suggestion about the texting format. If you broke up the longer lines it might look a bit easier to read as a poem. Just my opinion here.
Great job~ Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1082374 by Not Available.
This is full of truth and wisdom, Shearoku! I love the message it sends about how strange and magical "love" is~
"Some say it (C:red}with out) any thought" should be "without"
"Some say it but once said are looked down upon" this confused me a bit...perhaps try "Some say it, but once they do, they are looked down upon" making it clear 'who' is looked down upon.
this is probably just a typo "Some say (they) never wish(ed) it was said"
Other than this, a wonderful, perceptive poem about Love~ Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1082374 by Not Available.
Hi True Blue! This is very beautiful and full of imagery about one of my favourite places in the world...the Ocean! I love how you captured its intense beauty and describe the animals that dwell within it also.
the only thing I had a slight problem with was that you repeated the first line 3 times afterward. I think the 1st and last lines were enough...just my opinion here
Great job with describing this beautiful resource of which we should all try to keep and nuture for all generations to come! Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
This is a very wise and truthful poem about 'lies' and what constitutes a lie isn't always clear, but with subtleties we don't always reveal!
I liked the rhyme scheme, though it wasn't always the same, it worked with the rhythm and flow of the poem
"Then there’s those cloaked in silence" 'those' is plural, but I don't think "there're" is a proper contraction either maybe "there are" would work though.
I also liked the colours you used to describe the lies, it worked well for the text of the poem. Great write, Wordsy! Paige
OK, this is quite an interesting piece and I understand what message you're trying to convey here. Yet there are a few problems I saw:
the punctuation and grammar need work here to make it a bit more credible and easier to read you state in the description, that this item should be rated 'E' yet you have the 'F' word and some derogatory names throughout the piece
the twist at the end is quite good, yet I wonder why his friend Michael doesn't correct Ted and Justin when they think 'Joey' is a boy, not a girl. It seems like a big omission in the story-line
Your script has some good qualities, but needs to be thoroughly edited and perhaps re-writing the Joey part so the reader doesn't become confused at why no one corrected the huge misunderstanding there. Keep writing, Koris Paige
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is stunningly beautiful in its imagery, Shaara! I love the unique words you use to describe Spring...ie:Spring is the richness of a carpet of emeralds lovely phrase!
One thing I noticed: Red-chested robins worming my lawn, those heralds
Of morning, early despite that it’s colder these two lines are linked rather than complete thoughts as you have in the rest of your poem. It takes away from the meter a bit here. Also I think a comma after 'early' would be good here.
Otherwise truly magical piece on Spring Shaara! Paige
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a very interesting poem, SilveryRose. I don't think I've heard of alot of the analogies you are writing about here. It is creatively done, but lacks real feelings here. Sometimes it seems you're just writing the lines to rhyme rather than to emote your real feelings
Some things I noticed: "but I can't find no scares anywhere" I think you mean 'scars' here. Also the grammar might be better with 'can't find any scars' just because the rest of your poem has proper grammar, so it would be consistent. "sooth" should be 'soothe'
"can no one not see?" this double negative sounds awkward, perhaps "can anyone see?"
"breath" should be 'breathe'
All in all you have a good idea here but some of the phrases sound forced and unfeeling...ie: "The cut, somehow, it contains every bit and piece of my body part" this sounds a bit strange & analytical to me
I hope you can understand what I am saying here. I think you have a great base at which you can work with here. Keep writing! Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a very sweet poem for your true love on her birthday, Sean! You write the words with a touching love and devotion for her.
A few things to think about:
It’s because that I knew, I couldn’t be there today there are 13 syllables here compared to 10 or less in the rest of the poem, you could try "Because I knew I couldn't be there today"
This day that is yours when your life did start
And ever you come so close to my heartthis line doesn't really go with the first, and is written a bit strangely also try "was the day you seemed so close to my heart" it answers the first sentence this way
never know what to make of with you
This truest of songs is ever so truemaybe try "never know what to make of you" you don't need 'with' the 2nd line has 'true' in it twice, maybe try "the truest of songs I sing just for you"
The one who inspires, the one to desire,
The one who inflames my heart
Whenever my words come closer to you,
We’re never that far apart this is a beautifully worded stanza yet you don't point out what the subject is after saying 'the one who...' in the first 2 lines
But gifts have a way of parting the season I just don't get the meaning here...what gifts? its just a bit vague Then you can say his words there are minetry "Then you can say these words are mine" 'his' and 'mine' conflict otherwise
This is such a lovely poem that I think with some editing you will be pleased in the end...good luck Sean! Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is very beautiful and full of wonderful imagery, Nikola! I love "Sunsets on glass-smooth seas" this is an awesome phrase!
the layout might be better if you kept the space in between each line which lists the 'wonders' so: Sunrises on snow-capped mountains,
Sunsets on glass-smooth seas.
Fireflies on a summer's eve,
leaves crackling on a crisp, fall morn. also I don't think you need the punctuation at the end of each of these lines, as they would be spaced anyway for breaks
A very lovely, sweet poem, Nikola...great write! Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
This is very moving and full of wonderful imagery of Spring! I love how you describe the season with creativity and flair!
these two lines tripped me up a bit "Clothing bare-limbed shiv’ring trees,
Filling me with scenes so serene" the 1st line sounds like you are describing a person, but then you say 'shiv'ring trees' but the two images don't connect for me
the 2nd line trips the tongue a little with the scene/serene part
Other than this I loved your poem, no wonder it won 1st Place, Cynaemon Paige
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
This is a sweet, yet sad poem, SkitterLizard! Very prophetic and lovely words!
Times pass by and change all things something about this line is awkward I wanted to read: 'Time passes by..' but you are referring to 'times' as in different ages through time I suppose, so this threw me a bit
Mem'ries fly on fading wings is there a reason for the shortened 'memories'? It would work just as well with the whole word...unless you did this for effect
Throws away old sacred lists
of lessons learned and new things wrought the meter makes the reader want to stop after 'lists' but you add the next line to continue, which doesn't quite work for the flow~ the next line: pleasant things, and awful thoughts doesn't sound attached to the rest unless you want to put a semi-colon after 'wrought'
What once was takes on new form I think a comma after was is needed here
of time that passes, times to come
time that changes every onesounds a little 'Seuss'like, which is good for a child's poem, but it sounds odd for your more adult poem
first 2 lines of last stanza I have mentioned about earlier
Precious life flows down, away
Nothing here is here to stay perhaps "precious life flows down...away" as it gives more of a pause than a comma would.
The last line is gives a good impact about what you are saying in your poem!
I hope this helped, SkitterLizard, and I DO think this poem is very wise and you have a very prophetic way with your words! Keep writing Paige
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
This is quite a unique way to describe 'God', Agnie!
The metaphor however seems not to live up to the image though. "If God was a tree, He'd rise so high" in most cases people perceive God to be high in the heavens, and so merely as a tree tends to make him seem low to the earth rather than 'high' and able to reach half the planet also
I do like the last two lines however..."His roots would grow deep And keep the Earth together" this is a very creative and symbolic phrase which tends to give you more believable aspects of 'God' itself.
This is very good, Larry! I love the imagery you set of the wild horse galloping along. Very beautiful words. "Of the most magnificent
Beautiful intellegent (intelligent} creature" this line seems a bit overly descriptive though, and there are no commas between adjectives here.
Otherwise a fine descriptive poem of Black Beauty! Paige
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #652789 by Not Available.
This is written quite well and you emote the feelings of desperation and loneliness very well here! I think it is more of a 'monologue' than a poem, just my opinion here. this needs some editing for spelling/typos maybe breaking up the piece into paragraphs so it is easier to read also would be a good idea
Otherwise very heartfelt and truthfully written, Sadeyes! Paige
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bookgal
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 1:57pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Paige
Just a suggestion about the texting format. If you broke up the longer lines it might look a bit easier to read as a poem. Just my opinion here. 
maybe "there are" would work though.
Paige