This was so amusing and well rhymed. I would break it down into more that one piece though and group like verses together, i.e. sexual misconduct, bribery, etc. It is hard to take it all in as one sweeping commentary. We have too many sound bites already.
What a touching poem. While I do not believe that people become angels, I do believe their spirits see what happens to us and care about us just as they did when they were here. They do want us to be content to know that there was a reason for their loss and to grow stronger as a result and be able to comfort others who are experiencing the same sort of trial, and we need to remember that they are in a far better place, especially the children who are very precious to God. Those who are taken young are spared lives that may have been much worse than what we go through when we grieve over them.
This was very well done and I like the ending where you realize there is a force in you that is stronger and more potent than the dragon. I could picture that dragon as Satan and you have grown spiritually strong enough to conquer him.
This is an interesting story and I am glad you seem to be making a good recovery and have learned some lessons from your experience, especially about not using those special words lightly. They should be reserved until you are as confident as you are able to be that you mean them. I think we will always have some doubts about any relationship we are in, but if they are few and far apart and you know you want to do whatever you can to make the other person happy then I would say it is really love.
Now for the criticisms. You should add line spaces where you indented for a paragraph. It should be Valentine's Day. You have a problem i see too often lately, your should be you're when you are using it in place of you are, high school, is two words instead of one and you typed eachother twice when that should be two words. There seems to be something missing in "We met each other in more mutually." Some of your I's were not capitalized and you do not put the apostrophe in your contractions, doesn't, not doesnt. Also, there is no such word as sorries, it is sorry's.
Excellent poem. We learn something from every experience in our life, whether it is how to do something better or what not to do and it goes not for the rest of our life as you said so well.
You needed to use a spell check feature because there were far too many mistakes, even in the description. I will not take the time to point them all out. Even if English is a second language for you, I am sure you could do better. You describe what happened on the date but there is nothing that explains what it was that made you fall in love and how that felt, which your introduction implied would be in the piece.
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I would space the lines you have together and there are too many line between Homeliness and Emptiness. The attitude of the people toward the homeless was sad but how most people think about them. We would like them to become invisible and often walk by them without looking at them as if they were. We are ashamed of them because we know that they could be us.
The sentiment of the piece was very moving and it can be improved with some pruning. Here are my suggestions:
1, Use my love, my beauty as the opening of each stanza and do not repeat it in the same section and take out the word even in the last line of stanza one.
2. The only one I can count on, (she's not a thing). To go somewhere in life would sound more natural than "in life to go somewhere". I would take out the you're's.
3. The same comment as for the first stanza, do not keep repeating my love, my beauty and take out the word even.
4. This was my favorite part. I thought "you're my only healthy habit " was charming and then I would remove the only thing in the next line and instead say you make me well enough to go on with my life. I would remove the word my in the next line and you're in the last line
In your first Chapter, as you called it, there are no quotation marks to indicate who is talking. I could not tell if Chapter two was the same one rewritten at first, but in going back I saw that it is told from a different point of view. That explains why the first one does not have the punctuation, I believe. I don't know that a boy with the problem he has would be able to think about things the way you write them though.
The strongest part of this was the mother's story. If you were trying to find out what voice to tell the story from, you did the best in writing hers. I would suggest that you make it all her story. Her explanation of her son's condition and the concern she shows for him is most effective.
Take out the So on the second line. I don't think you need at times in stanza two.In the line " it won't even be real" you don't need the word even. You spelled alright with two l's. That was the only error I found. I like the message. It took me too many years to understand that. I especially like the lines, So come as you are; Your best is your best.
It sounds like Mohammed started out with the right motivation, but got carried away. Still, this would be in keeping with the Old Testament portrayal of God who wiped out entire nations because of their sinfulness and destroyed all of His own creation except for Noah's family and select animals, so maybe we don't understand Him as well as we think we do, But Jesus taught against any revenge by us. It is God who will do the avenging in His time. Did He use the Israelites to do the work for Him? Yes. Could He be using the Muslim fanatics to do the same? How can we know for sure? I would say it is possible and the USA is certainly in need of a chastening.
God has His own name for each of His children and one day, when we see Him we will be known by that new name. Until then, we either try to live up to our names or prove them to be wrong. I used to not like mine, but that was such an insult to Jesus, because I have been indeed a Christian, which is what it means, since I was a little girl. Now, I own up to the name with pride and can't imagine God giving me a better one.
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This is a very nice poem and on the same subject as the another one I just reviewed of a young woman who did try to fit into the mold her parents had for her and finally committed suicide. I did have a problem with one line, "in yourself you must indwell abundant trust," is too long and I would not use the word indwell, as I understand that word it implies something coming from outside yourself and taking over, which is why we say we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. But, you are telling us to trust what is already in us. Also, i don't think abundantly is a good word. It just does not match the rest of the language of the poem well.
This was very well written and was a very uplifting message for those watching their Christian loved ones as they are dying We always remember that they are better off after they have died but we seldom give them our blessing and encouragement as they are leaving, we try to hold them here most of the time.
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This was very well done. It was interesting how you made the numbers count up on one side and down on the other. My only criticism would be that I would say perfect ponies, busy bees and curious cats, so it reads more naturally. I was about to say bouncing balls also, but I see they are bounding toward heaven, so that must remain. Good luck with the contest. If all the entries are as good as yours it will be very hard for the judge or judges.
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This was very well done. It was interesting how you made the numbers count up on one side and down on the other. My only criticism would be that I would say perfect ponies, busy bees and curious cats, so it reads more naturally. I was about to say bouncing balls also, but I see they are bounding toward heaven, so that must remain. Good luck with the contest. If all the entries are as good as yours it will be very hard for the judge or judges.
I have never heard of the companies you mentioned except for Lindt. Ghiardelli is popular her and I am going to have a small piece now. This article was very informative. Have you tried getting it published?
In one paragraph you mention getting to know Shannon little by little and in another bit by bit. The two expressions are too similar and one mention would be sufficient, plus these are trite phrases. I am glad to hear you had such a positive experience with her and I hope that I will be able to make friends on this site. I have on other writing forums I post items on, but it seems less likely to happen here.
This is a very cute story with a lesson for children to learn that sometimes they need to be quiet. I would put space between your paragraphs, however. I bet your daughter liked the story.
I did not know who this was about. The title made me curious enough to want to read it and while I do not follow teen idols, I was interested in how quickly this young man rose to stardom. It is still possible to become an "overnight sensation" and I was pleased to know that. I think the article will fit nicely in the kind of magazine you have in mind if it is for teen and young adults, unless that have had their fill of stories about him already.
I hope this rose will help cheer you up if you are still having those feelings. You expressed very well what it is like to lose someone on whom you have depended.
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This was a very well written story and retelling of Pandora's Box. I like the ending that there was nothing in it. This has a warning against greed and curiousness. I think the lesson was learned the hard way. I am always amazed that people fall for con games.
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