This is a great poem. It is pro life in two dimensions. We did not only become us when we emerged into the world on our birthday, and we keep on growing, developing through life. That is such an interesting way of looking at ourselves. We are not the same person today that we were yesterday, let alone many years ago.
What powerful sentiments! I found one misspelling, soal should be soul. This is a sad story, but one that is unfortunately too true and as you say, all of the words had been said before, promises made and broken. But shedding more blood is not the solution. All that will do is escalate the conditions. The desire for revenge is natural, but we are to leave that in God's hands. To stain your hands with his blood will not bring you peace and may prevent him from reaching repentance.
I don't know what the last word on line two is, did you mean wailed? If so, it would have been Jesus who wailed, not the nails.
I would have criticized your use of the word dissed if you had not titled it "The Teenager at the Cross." I know no teenager of that time would have used that expression, but you are doing the same thing that "Were You There When They Crucified My Lord?" does, putting us there emotionally.
The poem was beautiful. All of the meaning of what Jesus did, how He accepted the way He was treated, and the pain He must have been suffering are there Part of it reminds me of a poem I wrote, "Father Forgive Them," which was my inspiration ton take writing seriously as a gift God wants me to use for His glory. .
I take it this is going to be an ongoing piece. I found the opening very interesting and thought provoking. I did not find it offensive even though I was raised with traditional Christian beliefs that God created everything good and Satan corrupted it when he tempted Adam and Eve to sin and he and his demons continue to try to thwart God's plans. I do believe good and evil existed before any of us were born and will continue to exist as long as we live these mortal lives, but I am not sure Satan is a vicious as he has been portrayed as being. In the book of Job, he had access to heaven and seemed to merely be challenging God through Job. Good and evil have to exist side by side for man to use the free will God gave him. If only one existed, he would have no choice.
The poem has a nice message. It sounds like it is being addressed to God so the pronouns should be capitalized just as His names are. I don't think we will be capable of understanding the true meaning of His love and what He has in store for us until He makes us like Himself, as He has promised to do through Jesus Christ.
In line 1 you make a mistake I see too often in people's writing now, your should be you're or you are like in the second line.
When you say "Many questions run through my mind," you don't need to say "as II wonder..." I would leave out as and make that a new sentence, otherwise you have a run on sentence, which I am guilty of on first writings and where I most need to edit my work.
In the last line, you did not capitalize I, which happens to me a lot too, you forget to hit the cap key or think you did but did not tap it just the right way.
This is such s powerfully emotional story it is hard for me to point out errors. I feel like it is the same as putting commercials in movies at the most dramatic moments, it spoils the mood. Basically I think your piece was very well written. These are the things I found need correcting, however:
1. Your opening paragraph is way too long. At first I didn't think you had any, but then I noticed you did divide sections later, and a couple of them may be too long as well.
2. You said "We both discover the Grateful Dead" that should be discovered.
4. Where you say you were Deadheads in your minds but you were not considered such by others I found the sentence confusing. I think saying "minds; but" with a semi-colon would make it more clear.
5. "I was hallucination" should be hallucinating.
6. Take the word for out behind the word cemetery. (I didn't count lines So I can't tell you where it is, but it when you and your friends go to the cemetery and you say "I have no idea how long we were in the cemetery for.") Actually, I think you could put it I had no idea how long we were in the cemetery since this is a past event, or maybe say I don't remember how long we were in the cemetery.
I don't want to end this comment with criticism, so I will say I was very moved by the story which you needed to tell.
Your subject was an interesting one. To match your rhyme scheme I find here you need another line in the second stanza and you have one too many lines in the last one. I would also put the I distinctly remember in the same place in each. You start with it but end the next two sections with it. Also, if you use the stressed and unstressed syllables some of the words do not fit. I generally do not use a two syllable word to rhyme with a single syllable word, which you do in this poem. Do the words sound like they rhyme when you read the poem out loud? That is how I find mine.
Close up the spacing between paragraphs. I really liked your description of love. I always needed to be in a friendship too before the physical attraction came. How wonderful that you have been together for so long. Yes, I would say you know what love is and have had it all of your life. Ideally I believe we should go from having parental love to friendship love and romantic love and love for your own family, and never be without being loved and having someone to love, but in our messed up world too many people do not have that experience. That is why it is so important to have a relationship with God who is Love.
The format is difficult to follow. I'm not sure if it is because it copied that way or you typed it like that, but I think having the sentences on the same lines instead of breaking them up would make it easier to read. I like your message and the way you compared yourself to a plant growing that your mother had to keep watered and cared for, that was well described. I'm curious to know how old you were when you wrote this, since you say you wrote it when you were younger. The end of the poem was amusing.
This was a great poem. You did a nice job of describing the man as he is now and as he was when he was younger. Hopefully, your poem will encourage other people to share their stories.
I like the way you used big words like tantalizing,sumptuous,and ubiquitous in describing the watermelon which we normally think of in very simple terms, at least I know I do. You made me want to have a piece as soon as possible.
I love your title. It conjures up images of the growth taking place and also the idea of the over-wound spring as you became overly anxious for spring to arrive. I always say we get "previews of coming attractions" (which makes more sense than calling them "trailers" as they do now) from nature. It is just enough for us to remember that the winter is almost over and what we have to look forward to next.
It is helpful to be reminded of what we should look for in a piece we are reviewing. I will not always follow the form you present here, but like I said, it will be helpful.
Your credits are impressive. Are all of the newsletter editors at writing.com published authors with degrees and backgrounds in journalism or a writing field? How did you get to be in this position?
This is a nice story with a subtle commentary I believe on Obama's health care plan. There should be a space between paragraphs though and "They told him about a place outside the Kingdom walls that could go to earn the 88 elfinos." would be better worded where he could go to earn the 88 elfinos. I think there may have been one or two other small errors.
I believe defence should be spelled defense, unless it is another acceptable, alternative spelling i'm not familiar with.
The story was very entertaining and had a good moral lesson.
I am a contestant in "Invalid Item" , and I have chosen you as one of my reviews! Welcome to WdC!
I like the poem's message but you have some errors. You spelled obstacles wrong. There is an apostrophe in can't and another very common mistake I see a lot of people make is your instead of you're or you are. Anytime a letter is removed from a word that substitutes for two words, such as can't for can not, and you're for you are, you need the apostrophe.
I am a contestant in "Invalid Item" , and I have chosen you as one of my reviews! Welcome to WdC!
Break it into paragraphs according to the cups of coffee. This was a very clever piece of writing though. I know how it feels to have so many thoughts racing through my mind. I usually can't keep up with mine. You did a good job. The
question at the end was a nice touch too. How many of us really have exciting mornings. Getting ready for work, going through the same routines day after day, is not exciting, even if we are running late and rushing. That is just stressful.
I like the story and am glad to hear that Mutley has a good home now, but the piece is poorly written. Many words are misspelled and there is too much spacing between the lines. Do a spell check the next time before you submit and even that will not catch every error.
This was a very nice description of a beach at different times. I noticed that you included notes for illustrations. Do you plan to do them yourself? I am taking a course on writing books for children and they tell us not to put in such notes. Your words will give the illustrator the ideas for the pictures. I think this will make a really good book. Children who have lived around beaches, as I have lived around Lake Michigan all my life, will enjoy seeing the familiar scenes and remembering the fun they have there and children who are not around beaches will get an idea of what they are like and probably want to see one for themselves when they grow up.
I have never lived on the West Coast so I don't know about those phony people, but I think we have a lot of them everywhere there is money. I liked this article and it made me very glad I was never a live-in nanny. I wouldn't be so harsh on condemning those who get in trouble for discipling children too severely. I have seen spoiled little brats and they are growing up to become our countries leaders. That's why we're not what you were led to believe we are.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ccassello/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 4:51pm on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
