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Different World
Thank you for allowing me to review your work that you entered into the Cramp contest this morning. I enjoyed your creativity and imagination.
After reading your story, I found several things that I thought I would point out to help you improve your writing.
1. There are several instances when you switch tenses in the story.
I was surprised, all over a sudden, I find myself in the morning, the buildings have changed, and my friends aren’t there.
Take this sentence for example: You start out in the past, WAS SURPRISED, and then you go into the present, I FIND MYSELF. You cannot change tenses like that. Also, you wrote, "all over the sudden", The correct way to say this is "all of the sudden."
You should have written the sentence something like this: I was surprised to find that the night had turned into day and the all the buildings around me had changed. My friends seemed to have disappeared."
2. In the following passage you change tenses again, and misused the comma. There are several instances of comma misplacement throughout the piece, but here is a specific example:
I stood still and surprised when I saw a man pointing his bow at me. He is aiming. I have to move I thought. The arrow left his bow and went directly, to the neck of the man behind me.
OK, bit by bit...you start in the past. "I stood still" then you switch to the present, "He is aiming" If you STOOD, then he AIMED.
The next part, "I have to move I thought." The actual thought, "I have to move", should be either in quotes or italics, followed by a comma, then the "I thought".
You do not need to place a comma after directly
The passage might work better like this,
I stood still in complete shock at the sight of a man aiming his bow in my direction. I have to move, I thought, just as the arrow was released, making its way into the neck of an unsuspecting man behind me.
3. Your wrote The dogs had really sharp teeth and huge body. After they saw us, they directly attacked us
The way it is written now tells the reader that that the dogs had one body.
You should have said "The enormous dogs attacked at once, bearing their sharp teeth."
4.You wrote: The next thing I knew that I am still in the movie theatre with my friends, watching the movie. I touched my stomach to make sure that I don’t have a scar and that everything was my imagination, but no it wasn’t I was able to feel the scar.
To start with, theater is spelled incorrectly.
Second, take the first part of the passage, "The next thing I knew that I am still in the movie theatre "
You switch tenses again. If you KNEW, then you cannot be STILL in the theater. It would need to read, "the next thing I knew, I was back in the theater"
Then you"Touched your stomach to make sure that I don't have a scar"
You would need to touch your stomach to make sure you DIDN'T have a scar.
In short, I hope that you will find these suggestions helpful in editing your work. watch your tenses and remember that if you start in the past, you need to stay there.
There are several great articles here on WDC about comma usage and misuse that would prove to be helpful to you. Here is my favorite:
Additionally, you might consider taking the basic writing course offered here in the New Horizons writing Academy grammar and writing classes. "Invalid Item" . They are very helpful and starting soon.
I do wish you the best in your writing adventures.
Thank you for sharing your work on WDC.
This review is meant as constructive criticism and should be taken as such. This is an individual opinion and not that of a collective effort.
The Wordgoddess |