One correction that I could see: your last stanza
I think it should be learned. Your last line doesn't seem to flow as smoothly as the rest of th stanza, Ok that being said, what a lot of work went into this poem, it was imaginative as well as informative. I really enjoyed reading it.
The theme is just great, like you I have fought the
battle of the bulge for more years than I care to count. The poem starts out with great rhythm in the first two stanzas and then it gets a little shakey
with the remaining ones. Still a pretty nice poem.
I am not good with punctuation or spelling, but, I did
see two areas for correction: Stanza 2, 4th line:"truth"
Stanza 2, last line: "too"
You write from the heart of things that are important to you, that shows in your work there are just a few places in the begining of the poem that seem to repeat themselves. Please keep working on this, it could be a lovely tribute to your great-grandmother.
Your first stanza is clear and concise. Your second stanza has good thoughts, but, they are jumbled, like you are trying to say too much in a small space. I would like to see you expand this poem, and clearify
more of the second half. Just my opinion.
I'm not sure if the poem is formatted exactly as you
wanted if so, that is unique. I liked that you picked
a subject that you enjoy and wrote about it.
Keep writing,you may enjoy that as much as your video games.
I too like the four seasons. Your poem drifts along, makes the reader feel dreamy as we go from one season to the other. Your poem starts off great, I had a little trouble with the 3rd stanza, I can't get the rhythem or the exact meaning of that stanza. You have some nice images for each season.
Some of your lines show that you won't be defeated.
Such as: Never defeated, no one needed, I want to run, I am my own. The poem is pushing the rhyming part rather hard and it looses some of the meaning. Run with your thoughts on how you want the reader to fell that you "won't be defeated"
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