What a beatiful story you weave. I loved the spirit and hope of the little girl being left out in the cold by others because she was diffrent and then being singled out with a nice surprize in the end. What a delightful read. Very nicely done.
Your poems paint such lovely pictures, and this one is no exception. As a child I would have loved to have "visited Grama's Garden" as an adult I thank you for letting it happen. Beautifuly done.
This story realy held my attention, I wanted to know what was going to happen to the two chracters. The dialog was well done and the discriptions good. The ending was a surprise. A nice trick and a good treat.
What a great "ode to Spaghetti" one of my favorite foods. I liked your seconds stanza where you went on to tell how "simple" a food spaghetti really is to prepare and enjoy and I just LOVED the second to the last stanza where you told how kids pronounce the word, that was terrific. Your last two lines summed it all up nicely: Spaghetti no matter how you pronounce it or put on to of it is just "scrumptious"
Thanks for sharing.
Cute,gave me a chuckle especially these lines:
Although it was brilliant in plot,
the characters, frankly, were not.
The publisher said,
"This will sell when you're dead!
Come back when there's depth in the lot."
I also liked your title, was it a nod to another "great writer"? The ending was too made me smile, nice work.
What a unique way to wish someone a happy birthday, by
using animals as greeting cards. Loved it. I'm not sure if there is a word for how you used the first line, twisted it around in the last line, but that was great too. Nice tribute to a friend, hope it was appreciated.
Oh, how sad but true, all good things must come to an end. The poem is cute and made me smile in a few places. They rhythm is not always consistant. For example this stanza has an easy aa, bb rhythm:
"She was a June bride, full of love and desire,
Her face was aglow, and her soul was afire,
Looking forward to all that life had to give.
Couldn’t wait to learn about the life she’d live."
While this stanza rhymes, it is harder to read in an easy rhythm:
"Soon she was convinced he was making money under the table,
By taking in strangers’ laundry that always had a “wash by hand label”.
It wasn’t long before a table covered in water rings and dust,
Aroused in her a heretofore dormant and unknown bloodlust".
It is a little longer so it looses some of it's punch.
Still a cute poem and believe me we have all had those feelings at some time or another.
The poem tells a story, and is a sweet memory of your grandfather. Sounds like he liked strong "manly" coffee and he and his coffee made a long and loving memory for you to carry through the years.
Very uplifting, very inspirational. I loved the possitive message of this poem. There are too may people out there writting about death and dying, it is refreshing to see encouraging words on paper.
One critique: The words are beautiful, but the rythm doesn't flow very evenly. Sometimes it rhymes and sometimes it is more like prose. Still loved the message.
If you are interested check out my poem "There is no one Just like you"
Well, you get your message across that she may not be the brightest or the best, but she sure is pretty.
Some of the rythm is a little uneven in places, some lines are longer than others and it knocks off the rythm of the poem.
The poem has a theme, about a prize a child has won, but it seems a little disjointed. I am not quite sure what these two stanza's are trying to tell me:
"It was a puzzle though
In my mind
As I walked up to the stage
Of what I would get
Something I had not seen
Something not told to me
Surprise it was meant to be
Carefully thought that I would like"
It is not a bad poem, just need more clearity for me.
Oh the joys of childhood. It is a great place to visit and enjoy for as long as we can. Thank you for sharing some of those great memories, for it is the one time we can truely do and be anything we want. The sky is the limit when we are children.
The theme of this poem is just sweet. Great imagination of the little "princess". Some of the rythm gets lost along the way in telling the story.
But, the idea is wonderful.
With the exception of a few lines that don't quite flow: "Up the stairs we went, we clambered over top each other" This line is a little long. "Right through my legs and sisters too, old Ted slid through the door. He lay there beat and battered in a pile upon the floor" This one too.
Ok now for the possitive, I LOVED this story, I just loved "Nan" she is fun and the poem is fun. You tell a great story, please keep it up, I want to see more.
You ask questions I wish I had the answer to, but sadly don't. We are never sure what is on the other side or even if there is another side. I am curious,
why fourteen stairs, does it have a significant meaning?
Nice, very nice. Hopeful poem, I like that you want everyone to have sweet dreams and yet like the path that cureves along we do not know what our destinies will hold.
The poem starts off great, loved how your animated the food to come alive and enjoy "the party", unfortunately the last two stanzas fall a little flat.
What about something like this:
It's been fun in there
really a blast.
But food is no joke
so maybe just maybe I'll stick
with a Coke.
How creative, very nice. Just loved the idea of a tootie pop to poetry, two of my favorite things.
Loved this stanza best as it captures children so well:
"For little ones who lick and stop,
Put down, forget, and leave their Pop,
It will take far more stanzas, see,
To reach the part that’s chocolaty."
Cute work, oh well if you can't see then we must eat out!! loved it. The poem flowed beatuifuly until the last stanza, it just was a little off could be something like this: Without my reading glasses the cookbook won't be right.
I guess it's out to dinner for you and me tonight.
Lots of feelings in so few lines. I can feel the pain and hurt and wanting to be accepted for who you have become. The only critique: The first stanza, I am not sure if you left out a word or not, but these two lines seem to be missing something:
"A child’s smile,
A gentle at heart."
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