I read your entry with interest. I think, for most writers, (this one, anyway) I can relate to the procrastination you talk about.
There are always a million reasons we think we can't. So we don't. Then we beat ourselves up that we are wasting our lives by not doing what we think we are here to do. It's an endless cycle.
Aesthetically, I would suggest more paragraph breaks so that the reader can focus on your message. Your words deserve that.
Favorite bit: I have been timid in the footsteps of my past selves' wishes for me
In summation: I would say that the path of writing isn't necessarily easy. Find your voice and glory in it. It's all in there. You hold the key.
I happened across your contest entry. All was well and fine until the end. That was a surprise/shocking/sad ending, which makes the notes that come before that much more poignant.
I liked the way you included the slang guide at the ending, although (my opinion) it would have been helpful to include "Wotcher." Is that some kind of greeting?
The progression of notes is appropriate. Ending? Shocking but effective.
"Coven" is an appropriate title for the subject matter. Somehow, my mind flashed an image of perhaps the time of the witch hunt in Salem? These women, as I read your entry, were all wearing long dresses and white caps that tied beneath their chins.
I'm not a hundred precent clear on how/why the change from reviling her to worshiping her? I might suggest a paragraph break as well, before the sentence that begins "They dragged her to the chair..."
Interesting though, the imagery that pops up when I read this.
I swear to you, Vincent Price narrated this story in my head. The theme to "Thriller" played in the background, heard in eerie strains between the clatter of dried leaves over the hard ground.
Your descriptions are beautiful and detailed. What a treat to be creeped out by your story.
There is such sincerity in your words. I can feel the love pouring through each line.
There's also a feeling of finality. As if the writer was actually in their last days. This tone adds poignancy to your words.
Editing/suggestions: In the first line of your second stanza, I might suggest replacing "see" with "find" or something similar. "I can find no finer word to say,"
You're very good at building suspense, as evidenced by this short story. I was appropriately creeped out by the end.
The pace is good. There are great descriptions especially at the beginning, when you reveal the contents of the box.
This leads me to my one and only suggestion, which is in your opening sentence, "Henry bought the notebook at a yard sale. It came at the bottom of a box of odds and ends sold for a couple of bucks."
I submit, for your consideration, that you don't mention the notebook at the beginning of the story. Henry bought a box of stuff at a garage sale, mainly for the figurine. The notebook is in there, but doesn't play a part until later.
Just my opinion, but I wanted to point it out.
Overall, this is a really enjoyable read. Creepy, but enjoyable.
Anger is always an interesting subject. We try to tamp it down but sometimes it rears its ugly head anyway.
I loved the first two stanzas of your poem especially. The third is also strong, transitioning anger to acceptance and the knowledge that our anger doesn't exist in a bubble. And while I like the fourth and last stanza, I wonder if it's too much of a turn to the "turning the other cheek?" It's my opinion that there is going to be anger still, even while knowing that you must indeed seek peace.
That's just my opinion, of course. Leaving it as is takes nothing away from the beauty of your poem, which I really enjoyed reading.
A Minute Poem! I've read a few of these, but didn't know what they were called. The website you provided a link to was certainly helpful in that regard.
The pace is good on your poem; the rhyming impeccable. In an expansive moment I imagine millions of healing hands the world over, soothing and healing.
There is a patriotic tone to it, which makes me sit straighter in my chair! No kidding! Patriotic yet welcoming. As intended, I think, that we, our forefathers immigrants, should welcome their new neighbor to this land where together we can look for a brighter future.
Whew! A good poem sparks a storm in the soul. Yours does that.
Editing wise, I believe "it's" should be "its," as "it's" would be the contraction of "it is."
I enjoyed reading your essay. The personalization of your own journey, coupled with not only a story from the bible but also how Christianity is perceived in other cultures make for a good accounting.
I might suggest that you take the very last time and move it to before the part about being in China, as (to me) that would be more of a set up for what is to follow.
I'm happy to have come across your beautiful poem this afternoon.
There is peace and serenity in your words. Sincerity and compassion also. But what stands out most for me is the Knowingness. The Surety. Your words invite the reader to KNOW this will be. That there is a way and a path. And that they are never alone.
I love poems like yours. Poems that spark interest, that read beautifully, and that linger in the mind long after the reading is done.
Favorite bit (hard to choose!): A soul sighing Yes/and you just know
I happened upon your short story in Read & Review. I've been known to plow my way through pretty gross stuff while reading. Think Stephen King gross. Your story ranks up there!
I could feel the boy's fear at being bullied into helping his "friend" skin that poor poodle (who hopefully died somehow not at the Harley's hands?) and then again when he thought he got away into his own yard and then Again at the vat of acid.
The story moved along to its grim conclusion at a good pace and was appropriately awful (I won't say poor Uncle Jack because clearly he had it coming to him).
Editing wise I noted a few things, but nothing to distract the reader.
I've read and re-read your poem and am left with the tranquility you promised in the title.
The words you use and the manner in which you set up the stanzas paint a lovely, bucolic picture that nestles into the heart.
I hope to carry this peace with me today.
I do like how your poem rhymes but that each sentence does not end with that rhyming word. That's unusual, and I like it. A lot.
Editing cap donned, I question the word "frills." My understanding of the meaning of that word doesn't fit here, but I'm sure you had a good reason to use it.
Tongue in cheek and smiling at the title, I read your fantasy entry. Fantastic indeed, including that Bob now gets the other two wishes since Doris has just disappeared herself from that scene.
I might ask how this would have gone had Bob originally found the lamp? Not that I'm an expert in djinn lore, but if we assume the finder gets all three and the bystanders get none, that might have changed things a mite. Although Doris disappearing probably would still be his first wish!
Oh wait. I see Bob did pick it up first! But Doris' foot touched it...
Editing wise, I might suggest a few more details in these sentences:
"Suddenly, a genie appeared in a cloud of smoke followed by a loud clap of thunder. “What wish may I grant you?” she asked.
Bob noticed how attractive she was."
If only to clarify that the genie was female (although part of the fantasy would be a fantasy-shaped genie).
Overall, this is a fun story. I enjoyed smiling my way through it.
I happened across your article regarding your brother Jimmy's life, and how it has left an effect on you. A strong effect. Those relationships are the best, in my opinion. The ones that matter.
People sometimes wonder if they will be forgotten when they leave the earthly realm. Jimmy surely will not.
There is strong sentiment in your writing but it's not overblown in any way. Rather, you have written this mostly factually, which works well in the telling of Jimmy's life in relationship to yours.
Editing cap donned, I would suggest altering the second repitition of the phrase "the world's mess." That's really the only thing that sticks out here.
Overall, I enjoyed this glimpse into your life. And Jimmy's.
Funnily enough, I wrote a poem (prose) about hope, hopelessness, and the bridge between the two ends of the spectrum.
Your poem offers another viewpoint. While I cannot manage to rhyme my poetry, you have done so, and handily I might add.
The phrase "it's always darkest before the dawn" springs to mind while reading the first stanza of your poem. And indeed that is what hope is. A glimmer. A glimpse. A promised that all will eventually be well.
This poem about hope is...about hope. Nothing more is needed if we have faith in that hope.
Editing cap donned, my only suggestion would be to drop "So" from the first sentence of the last stanza. Works either way, but "Hold onto hope, when all seems lost," is very strong on its own.
Overall, I really enjoyed this and the emotions it provoked.
This is a cute and horrifying-at-the-same-time story. Presumably it's daylight. How did that palm catch fire? What on earth is going on here?
I liked the imagery of the palm catching fire and the insistent honking of the unknown old lady. Both add some urgency to your story.
Editing wise, I'm wondering if the misspellings in your title are deliberate as I've noted no others within the story itself. You could consider changing "top most" to "topmost."
It's easy to skim through the Read & Review section, looking for entries I (a) Want to read and (b) want to review. Your entry stopped me in its tracks.
There is something so serene about your poem. It's an ode to the earth. An ode to spring. To revival. To love. A lovely ode, I might add.
Several re-readings later and I am still of the same mind.
Gratitude pours from your words; in places they are lit from within (e.g. "And I am everything that goes green"). What a treat!
You did note that this is a work in progress, so my editing suggestions are not going to be of much concern. There are a few rough spots I am confident you will smooth over.
Clearly this poem has made me smile. I'm glad to have read it.
We sense ourselves as perceptive, and yet it is our perception that makes for judgments.
Do snowflakes scream? Do fish cover their ears with their fins when they hear the screams?
All of these are questions provoked by your poem "Snowflake Screams," which I am reviewing here.
In my opinion, good poetry makes the reader think. Your poem does that. Your imagery of that which is undetectable to our slanted perception allows the perhaps ludicrous to take on new life.
I see no editing or grammatical errors.
Overall, this was an enjoyable and thought-provoking poem.
I stumbled across your entry in Read & Review. Happy to have done so.
This is an engaging story about the ultimate bait-and-switch; we think we are still alive. Well, at least our man Rupert seems to think so.
I enjoyed your writing style about the mix-up that is not. The character's names are simple to understand/translate. Although hopefully all passes to the other side don't require the macabre! Definitely fits the rules about death, and dark.
I don't think I really get the very last sentence. Was that the entry prompt?
Editing cap donned, I wonder why it's called "The Dragon Hotel?" I don't see a connection elsewhere in the story.
And there is an " at the very end that I don't believe belongs there.
Overall, I enjoyed reading and reviewing this entry.
Happy to have stumbled upon your short story. Recalling your tale about DLADPMWill (Will for short) will have me smiling for days.
Humor! What a wonderful writing tool. Writing with humor is something I aspire to but have not yet mastered. This delightful tale of an overloard-wannabe tickled my funny bone all the way through. I loved how the interaction between his wanna-be-ness and the actuality of family life stand in such opposite ends, and they work together just perfectly.
I would suggest adding the word "a" after "acquiring." "once again tripping and this time acquiring a rather painful rug burn on his chin."
Now. Girls rule. We all know that. Especially sisters.
Love this! I'm drawn in immediately by the welcoming jewelry shop, how you describe it, including the price point counters. Genius for women and men alike, but for one confused man, price point isn't going to cut it.
The characters interact naturally (and naturally later fall in love) because of course Ted is drawn to Alice's warmth and honesty.
Editing hat donned, I suggest the following:
1. Change the comma to a semicolon in "It seemed to work very well; she seldom lost a customer."
2. In the paragraph after about confusion, I would add the word 'look' to "it wasn't a 'can't make up my mind look,' but more of a 'I'm confused look."
3. He introduces himself as Ted, but in the next to last paragraph, he's called Jeff. If it's the same guy, you might want to fix that.
Overall, I really enjoyed this refreshing happily-ever-after short story.
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