Hi there!
Thank you for sharing your work! I'm doing this review for you on behalf of The Storytellers for the Spotlight Review that is going to take place later today.
This was an amazing story--mainly because of the great plot twist at the end. That is nothing that I could have possibly imagined, and made not only for a great twist, but a satisfying ending--although in a sick, twisted kind of way. You used a lot of concrete imagery, and it was really very easy to see the action as it happened or imagine the settings as you described them or even hear the effects as you presented them (the windshield wipers, for example). The flow and the pace of the story were excellent, and certainly, I was engaged from beginning to end.
I only have one critique. Throughout the story, you have little flashbacks. They are set up with an opening statement, and then followed by a tiny vignette for elaboration. I would suggest that for those little flashbacks, I would use the past perfect tense. (Pardon the grammar here, but in my other, regular life, I teach grammar all day long...) In other words, I would use a form of "have" plus the past participle.
For example, You wrote:
...he had bamboozled the sheriff back in the winter of ’98.
Sheriff Rogers and Lester stood in the driveway and watched as the coroner’s car drove away, followed by a large black car that carried his parents. The sheriff cleared his throat, hiked up his pants and said, “I’m sorry ‘bout your folks, Lester. Who’d ever believe your daddy could do such a thing to your mama, then go to the barn and take his own life like that?”
I would suggest:
...he had bamboozled the sheriff back in the winter of ’98.
Sheriff Rogers and Lester HAD stood in the driveway and watched as the coroner’s car drove away, followed by a large black car that carried his parents. The sheriff HAD cleared his throat, hiked up his pants and said, “I’m sorry ‘bout your folks, Lester. Who’d ever believe your daddy could do such a thing to your mama, then go to the barn and take his own life like that?”
I think that carefully placing the "had" in a couple of strategic places, you demonstrate that this is part of a series of actions that took place prior to what is happening now and makes it clear that this part being recounted is a flashback.
In another example, you wrote:
The petite, blonde coed he had found on the steps of St. Mary's School of Nursing in Omaha didn’t do any of those things; she began singing Amazing Grace.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my hea…
Lester had slit the coed's throat before she'd finished her last word…heart.
My comment: In this section, you DID use the past perfect tense, and it makes it clear that he is thinking of a previous attack separate from the one that is about to take place.
Anyway, that's my only issue. Otherwise, this was a really good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly--write on!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
Check out my book available for sale at
https://www.createspace.com/3838578 |
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Oh, I really liked this. And what I loved is that you took something as innocuous as rain and made it dark and ugly and sinister, and for me, that's what makes the poem work best. I love when an author takes a common thing or idea or element and twists it into something completely different and unconventional, challenging our belief systems of that element. This poem does that, and to amazing effect.