I appreciate the content of this poem as well as the depth of emotion able to be conveyed. The use of Biblical allusion lends good evidence to the argument of partnership versus bondage, and reputes arguments usually made against women.
This is a very nice start to your story. I would like you to add emotion and depth to your words. It has the potential to be a very compelling piece, especially because of the troublesome topics covered. I would suggest going into greater detail, especially in the driving scene, so the reader can feel more connected to the character.
Excellent! Absolutely hilarious! The first person narration and parenthetical remarks add a lot to the story. It would not have nearly the level of comedy if it were told from a different narration. The male character is so reminiscent of my own father that it was no great leap to imagine this story taking place.
This is absolutely excellent. I love that it is short and succinct, able to verbalize so many of the negative aspects of the world today. Each line is purposeful and conveys a strong message about how people are living. My favorite line is "For we are owed whatever we require." This line is my favorite because it conveys such a strong, to me very truthful, message about the feelings of today's population.
First, I think you should use capitalization for the starting lines in your poem. Second, if you threw in one or two blatant, shocking descriptions you would make a huge impact on the reader. A brilliant color or toxic emotion woven into your words would make a reader take notice of your work. Lastly, I appreciate your use of spacing and the style you have used. You should consider expanding this piece when you revisit for revisions.
I like this piece for its originality. When I first started reading I was afraid you were taking a 'Thor' like approach. The idea of a dwarf's take on a situation is different. There are a few spelling/grammar errors you may want to fix, the plural of dwarf for instance. You should definitely continue with this story, add some detail to beef up the scenes, and wow your reviewers!
This is a very good story. I definitely think you should continue with this story line. However, if Claire is going to be the horrible ex-wife I think you should add in some memory, flashback, or current actions that make her a less likable person. Right now, although she isn't the perfect person, her issues with Jake being away seem only partially selfish. It would also be nice to add the same things to Rebecca's character. Although she shares the death of Jake's father with him she hasn't known him long enough to make falling in love with him seem reasonable. It would be nice to see more by-play between them and her reasons for being standoffish. Perhaps Rebecca and Jake knew each other as children? An addition like that would help add background to their developing feelings. Your dialogue helps move the story along but you might want to try reading it aloud. It can be difficult to wade through and seem stilted, check to see if what your characters are saying is believable. A very good start and I hope to read more!
First of all, I think you have done an excellent job making this story highly emotional. It is easy to identify with Carly because her loss is one that can be identified with by many readers. I think you should consider revising the first two paragraphs, your introduction. Your work is very promising but I think you should make the introduction more "grabbing." I understand the need to reiterate how 'normal' Carly's life was before the accident, however, I think you should refrain from actually saying 'normal.' It would have a larger impact on our view of Carly's life if we had descriptions and actions instead of a simple phrase telling us how regular she used to be. I also think you should expand on this story. You have a very good start with what is posted but it could be continued so Carly's character is shown dealing with her problems. The end of the story should better explain the introduction and the bed Carly is in during the introduction. All-in-all an excellent start to your story.
I think you have a great start for this story. However, I think you should review the dialogue pieces you've included. They need to sound natural, like something you would say in everyday conversation. To check the reality of your dialogue you can read out loud and listen to see if what you say sounds strange. You need to also keep in mind dialogue tags are not necessary after every spoken conversation, some can be floating and the reader will still understand who is speaking. Another area you could revise is your use of descriptions. This is a difficult area, especially when dealing with a science fiction/fantasy story. You need to provide enough information and description that the reader feels comfortable with what is happening, but not so much that they feel overloaded. A good place to start for this would be read through the beginning paragraphs and chop anything that isn't needed. Give your reader the benefit of the doubt and don't describe every action in detail. Stick with what is important and see what you come up with.
This is absolutely excellent. I read the second chapter before the first and am glad I viewed your portfolio to read the beginning of the story. The idea of The Book of Judgement is perfect for the setting and problems with which the village is faced. I am intrigued by this piece and will continue reading.
I am enjoying this read. It is well-written and the characterizations are realistic. The peasants and their despair are represented in such a way as to draw the reader's sympathy. There are very few grammatical errors, I caught one which was a "your" or "you're" mistake that can be quickly fixed. You have created a good villain in Lord Blackstone. There is good foreshadowing regarding the deaths of young girls and what I am assuming are his perverted pastimes. This is a very good issue to address because it is not often spoken of in historical contexts. I will continue to read this story.
This is well-written and you should definitely continue the story. This would be a great introductory piece to a longer work. If you feel comfortable you should work in how you came to be at the mental institute, what events led to your stay, and how you handled life once you were admitted. With your background you have the potential of being a voice for those who suffer, I think you should take advantage of the opportunity.
I am really liking this story. I read the second chapter as well and this first chapter flows nicely into the second. Your dialogue, which can be very tricky, sounds natural instead of forced or stilted. I think you should continue writing this piece in the same style. Your characterizations and descriptions of place and time are well done without being obnoxious.
Excellent! I am particularly fond of the way you have characterized Jack. His attitude is offensive and his actions seem to be without compassion but he still acts in ways that bely the words he speaks. He is complicated but you have done a great job making his complications fit the story so far, and the character. His relationship with Eddie is also an interesting mixture of complication and camaraderie. I will be looking forward to reading more of this story!
I enjoy this poem for the simplicity it shows. The world would be a much better place if everyone thought in the simple terms of children and were so easily pleased. It is very easy to believe a child asking questions such as the ones in the poem, children are curious and think of all kinds of questions to ask.
Great capture of the end of school craziness. I especially liked your interweaving of humor and annoyance within the story. The beginning is a good introduction for the rest of the piece because it shows the absolute boredom Lincoln is dealing with, boredom and teenage boys always spell disaster. Lincoln's easy intelligence is also nicely set against Kyle's less than brilliant lying ability. I hope to read more from this character soon.
Okay, first, I like this story because it shows there are many facets to a person and you shouldn't always rely on first impressions. However, there are a large amount of grammatical and structural errors that take away from the flow of the work. I would suggest taking time to edit and revise, looking particularly at action to thought transitions and the use of tense.
I have some suggestions that will make reading your story easier. First, make use of double spacing between lines of text. This will help the reader follow the lines easier. Second, when using dialogue tags, do so sparingly. When you already have two characters conversing it is unnecessary to re-introduce them each time they speak. Also with dialogue tags, remember that they aren't required to come at the end of a line of speech, they can be placed anywhere. Remember that dialogue is one of the most tricky parts of writing because what sounds good on paper does not always sound sincere when being spoken. A good job :)
This has a great story line. I would suggest cleaning up the dialogue and tags. There are some areas that need cutting and paraphrased. When Jymile is telling his story to Dan and Rodger you should rely more heavily on summary than direct dialogue. You could also try a flashback scenario for that part of the story. This would allow the interplay with Rodger and Dan to remain separate from the story of Amenta, but would let the readers know what happened on the planet. The romance between Linda and Jymile should also be revised to account for his supposed desire to marry and be with her. If he is willing to wait 200 years for them to be together there needs to be a powerful emotion behind his motivation. Some areas of the story could be cut or enhanced, such as the side story of Lugar.
The stanzas are ordered in such a way as to allow the reader to follow the progression of the "story" from infatuation to disenchantment. I think this is a good stylistic decision. However, the last stanza seems unfinished to me. I'm not sure if you aim to continue the poem or change the last lines. I would suggest that you consider revision. Overall, I enjoyed your work.
This story reminds me of 1,000 B.C. it has good ideas but is very confusing. I would suggest going back and adding structure to the story. The plot is not very obvious because there are so many other events happening during the story. I'm not sure if you meant for this to be a fantasy story, with the tribal people living in a more modern period, or if you meant for them to remain as historically accurate as possible. Their language use and actions make this aspect of the story difficult to understand. I would like to read this again after you have had the chance to revise.
I like how you are able to portray the excitement of Cyrus before the ritual killing. He has no idea how the event will turn out, he has high hopes, and expects a different outcome. His disappointment stems from the violence of the cow's death. He is unable to understand the celebration and cheerfulness of the men surrounding him. This is nicely depicted through the language and emotion that runs through the story. I would suggest that instead of explaining what each religious word means leave space at the top or bottom to make a definition list. This would keep the reader from being distracted by reading and would allow them only to read definitions for what they don't already know.
I love how you made this from the point-of-view of a child. Janey doesn't seem to be a very likable character, she breaks a toy, and then lies about it to the boy's parents. He knows nothing about her, he's forced to play with her, and then he finds out she's been killed by a car. The child-like association between "liking" someone and becoming their significant other is one that is highlighted by the simpleness of the boy's story. The choppy flow simply adds to the idea of child narration. The "you" narration is also an excellent addition to the story because it brings the reader into the action and pulls them onto the emotional roller-coaster of the child.
First, this has great potential to be excellent. The characterization of Jay is interesting and the descriptions of Stacy well thought out. However, the abrupt change from the fire in the garage to the sudden marriage proposal needs to be rethought. It is too sudden and does not fit the action that is currently happening within the story. Draw out the fire episode, further explore the motives that caused the arson, then develop the romance of Stacy and Jay. If the fire is the catalyst use it to the best advantage. Why does Jay suddenly notice Stacy as a love interest? Is it because of her help when his garage burns down? Keep thinking about these little details so you can build your story up.
I think your ideas for the story are solid. However, you should work on editing out superfluous details. You unintentionally repeat or state what is obvious. The part where Stacy recognizes the person who has taken her is a man does not need to be qualified with "even though he had a mask on his face." Instead you may want to try, "the masked man" or a description of what the person looked like. Try to do more showing and less telling, add detail and fear to your story through this. I am confident that after you edit and add striking detail the fear factor will significantly increase.
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