Hi Winnie,
What a well-delivered story. You craft your words beautifully, and this is a fine example of how characterisation determines the quality of a story, not how many bullets are being fired at someone's head!
This can work too, but it has to be the complete package, which you have given.
Don't get me wrong -- your story is fast-paced, concise and shown, rather than told.
The reader can easily gain a clear vision of the character's appearance and personality, and the characters are very real people; so relatable that they could live next door.
Your descriptive language is sublime, and tight.
Example:
"The petite intruder looked to be in her mid-fifties. She was dressed in neatly pressed denim shorts and a bright yellow, spaghetti strapped top. She wore stylish flip-flops with a big yellow flower over the neatly painted toes of each foot. The shoes perfectly matched the summer top and the yellow comb in her short, red, salon-styled hair. A subtle whiff of expensive perfume floated into the room."
Also, you create nice scenes, with all the elements, even the sense of smell(perfume.)
I like this:
"As she glided inside, I detected the posture and moves of a graduate from Mrs. Aster's Finishing School. Suddenly, I became conscious of my faded Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger t-shirt and my stringy cut-offs. I looked down at my bare, unpedicured feet and felt under-dressed in my own house."
Right here, you humanise your character even more. I'm there! I felt her mortification and feelings of inadequacy. Who hasn't felt like that at some point in their life, for whatever reason?
There were some funny moments that really brought a smile to my face.
Favourite:
"Wiping the tears from her eyes, Jean said, a little apprehensively, "Do you have any beer?"
"Sure," I said, as I thought, Hmm ... I think we might just get along fine."
Very funny!
Your dialogue is seamless and has great natural flow.
A fine example:
"I'm looking for my dog, Lulu. Have you seen her? White poodle? Medium size?" A worried look crossed her tastefully made-up face."
Your dialogue is only enhanced with character description and internal dialogue. It creates a nice flow.
You chose a fitting title that hooks, and there's a nice little message in this story.
I am no expert, and have made countless mistakes with grammar in my own work, but as far as I can see, your grammar is perfect.
I can't fault your story, Winnie. It is so neat, descriptive and warm.
I will return to your port. I felt like a kid in a playground amongst your projects!
Bravo!
Miss Bee. |
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