A Showering Acts of Joy Review
Greetings Gary 
 This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item"  !
NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!
WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM: Hi Gary! This review is a part of your package from "Invalid Item" ! I took another trip around the garden and discovered that you had some fine flowers growing in your portfolio. With a penchant for poetry, I decided on one of your fine poems. I hope you enjoy my comments.
GENERAL:
This poem describes a man who has passed on but is still painfully aware of the loved ones he left behind. More specifically, he's lamenting the errors of his ways while waiting for his love to visit his tomb. In the spirit of unconditional love, his mother forgives him for his wrong-doing and prays for his soul, but the one he misses the most is not there. Even though the narrator claims to rest in peace, every instance where he speaks of regret and loss contradict this claim. His regret is not doing more to secure the one he loved while he had the chance. There is a sombre and dark tone to this piece, and there is almost a sense that the narrator is buried alive, trapped and serving his penance. If there is a hell, maybe this is the definition.
CONVENTION:
In a poem of consistent rhyming couplets, your strength is in the perfect end rhymes that create repetition and a pleasant pattern. I think you have a good grasp of vocabulary and use descriptive language to create some strong images. Figurative language really enhances a poem, and I think you have a good skeleton in this piece. You could add a bit more with a well-placed simile or the use of the metaphor. At first reading, I thought the tomb was going to be a metaphor for depression, but I soon realised that the narrator was literally in a tomb. This is fine, but you can always add layers and cut it both ways. I think you have a flair for poetry, but you might pay some attention to the rhythm of a poem. The two most dominant conventions are rhythm and rhyme. When they don't work, the entire poem is lessened in quality. I will offer a suggestion for this below.
SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
 "She asked the Lord to forgive her son,
For his discretions[indescretions] and this thing he’s done."
"No soothing thoughts from up above,
No mention of abiding love[.]"
 I would suggest a period as shown above to maintain consistency with the way you've punctuated this piece.
FAVOURITE LINES:
"There’s only darkness within this gloom,
No taste of pleasure, only doom.
Nowhere to go, no words to say,
No lips to kiss, too late to pray."
The rhythm in the above stanza would be flawless if not for that first line. I like the sense of desperation and loss that the narrator exudes here. To make the rhythm perfect in this stanza, you need only tweak that first line. Suggestion: "There's only darkness in the gloom."
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Only the minor tweaks I mentioned above, and I would suggest that you revisit your poetry and read each one out loud. If you do, you might hear where the flow is broken by an awkward word choice. I would like to give an example of how I would adjust a stanza to improve the rhythm. This is just a suggestion, and you're welcome to do with it as you wish.
In the following:
"My mother came again today,
From her knees she began to pray.
She asked the Lord to forgive her son,
For his discretions and this thing he’s done."
In the following:
"My mother came again today,
On her knees she bent to pray.
She asked the Lord: Forgive my son,
For his discretions, what he’s done."
CONCLUSION:
Thank you for sharing your poem with me, Gary!
Regards,
Mandy
Creator of The Enchanted Book of Poetry Contest
and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism Alumni Group, The Traditional Poetry Group,
The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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A review from "
Great work, Lina! I can see that your writing is coming along in leaps and bounds.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
There always seems to be a couple of letters that want to poke their pesky heads out of line. What I noticed about this poem is how perfectly formatted it is. It reminds me of a newspaper heading, not only because of the words within each larger letter, but because of the balance. Great job! The content is a subject that you are obviously passionate about. The shape of the poem is dominating but secondary to the content. Your words show your depth of love for this site, the creativity that it inspires, the sense of community that you choose to embrace, and exactly how this well-rounded writing site fuels your life. By definition, a shape poem describes the thing that it's shaped into. Love could be a heart, a pet pooch would be a dog, and so on and so forth. There is no doubt that you've achieved your goal in creating this poem. 
Very funny for me. 
I hope you continue with your tales of spunk Punk cat. Determination, hunger, and impact. You go on with your bad self, Punk cat! 
The mood is evil, ominous and atmospheric. When the bell tolls and the gate swings open, I want to be at the pearly gates of heaven! A poem in rhyming quatrains, the end-rhymes are perfectly matched and have a consistent pattern that picks up your first two stanzas. The rhythm in this poem is almost flawless, but I think it could use a little tweaking to make it flawless. The strength of this poem is within the imagery you create. Great job!