Mandy's (gobbledock) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

635 Public Reviews Given

655 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give constructive criticism, but always in a positive and encouraging manner. I'm honest and give advice for improvement where warranted, but I don't have any interest in shredding another writer's work. I will always do my best to focus on the areas that need attention. I like to give my interpretation of a piece (when applying to poetry) and enjoy giving a review that is both helpful and leaves the reader feeling positive about his or her work. On occasion, I will suggest rewording -- particularly in poetry -- and if you don't prefer this, you should advise me when submitting a request. I will always give the best quality review that I'm capable of, in content and presentation.

I'm good at...

My first passion is poetry, but I like all types and genres of writing and dabble in them all. I like poetry with depth and enjoy interpreting it and recognising artful use of convention. I'm good at finding the weak points in a poem and suggesting alternatives to strengthen them.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Romance/Love, Dark, and Comedy. These are my favourite, but I enjoy anything that makes me want to read on. Therefore, no genre is out of bounds.

Least Favorite Genres

Okay, if my arm is being twisted and I have to choose ... War and Spiritual. Both genres I find the least interesting, but I'm still open to reviewing them and will critique them fairly.

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Blogs and chapters. I don't hate them, they are just my least favourite.

I will not review...

I will review any genre or type with any content rating, providing it has a word count that doesn't exceed 3,000 words. Honestly, I prefer to review poetry.

26

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4034462

Review of The Color of Moon

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with Muse Masters

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings turtlemoon-dohi

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I really like some of the sublime language you've used in this poem, and you do well expressing the narrators love of life. Her passion for nature, the elements, and the things that bring her happiness are described as the key to her heart and soul. The mood is one of peace and gentility, and there are lots of sensory elements to be enjoyed. The narrator is in touch with her spirituality, and it is this part of her that inspires a deeper understanding of what motivates her actions and thoughts.

CONVENTION:

This is what I would call an experimental form. It contains elements of free and structured verse, taking the perfect end-rhyme and incorporating them with varying meter and length of line. The skill lies in your ability to create a wonderful rhythm with this style. Often when meter varies, the rhymes stand out and become awkward, but they were invisible to me on first reading. I actually thought the poem was a straight free verse until I read the piece a second time and discovered your rhymes. Great job! The strength and constant theme is your use of hyperbole. This kind of extreme exaggeration or impossible action is the dominant tool, and it shows the depth of the narrator's passion. I think my favourite instance is "Dance upon my heart until you hear a thunderous applause." All of your expressions are so natural, and your emotion and love of poetry really shines through. Most of all, I love the descriptive language, and my favourite lines are highlighted below. Your choice to omit all terminal punctuation and use capitals for emphasis is a good one, and it adds an element of control to the pace.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Offer me tobacco, corn, sweet-grass, and purple sage
Decorate me with lavender, lemon balm, and lambs' ear"

I just love these lines. They are so visual and sensory. The scent of these things practically surrounds your poem, and all things are so intense. This is word candy, and the alliteration in the second line is a real treat. Beautiful!

Thank you for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

27

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4031798

Review of The Voice of Thunder

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Angels in my Ear

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest.

You have a nice style in writing free verse, and I particularly like the way you pace your thoughts. You have a great control of words in this form. The narrator is comparing herself to a thunderstorm, and just as the thunder and lightning rages outside, both things seem to rage within the narrator. There is a link between the two, and a darkness and light that unifies them in the height of the storm. The thunderstorm symbolizes any number of dark emotions: depression, sadness, anxiety, and grief. Just as the storm passes, so do the bad feelings, and all that's left is the sun or the mask. Nice job!

CONVENTION:

The most unifying element would have to be the metaphor. The whole poem gels together. The narrator is in tune with the storm and sees it as a representation of her own inner turmoil. The sun is the mask that's worn when the storm is hidden. Your use of language is simple and straightforward, but the meaning or emotion is never compromised, and this is a case where the simplicity adds to the somber tone. There are many jewels in this piece, and I really enjoyed the personification of the elements. I love the following excerpts: "As the thunder screams its ceaseless tantrum outside," and "It is the thunder/ that keeps its promise." There is an unspoken bond between the narrator and the storm, and that feeling colours the whole poem. The only thing I noted was the little punctuation error in the final lines. It's merely cosmetic, but I wasn't sure if you intended it to be an ellipses or a full stop after "soul." The only thing I would suggest is perhaps strengthening those final lines in the first verse, and give those ideas a little more depth.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"As the thunder screams its ceaseless tantrum outside,
I find it is using my voice. "

The opening lines are perfect. They're compelling, and the thunder is personified from the first, mirroring the narrator's inner turmoil.

"The sun is the mask we wear."

This is just another great instance of the metaphor threaded through the poem. The sun is a perfect image of all that is bright, happy, and energizing, the complete opposite to the darkness of a storm/emotional problems.

Thank you for sharing another great poem!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

28

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4031795

Review of Parisian Raindrops

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings CCD

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello! Thank you so much for your entry to the contest. This is another stylish poem that demonstrates your originality and love of words. I find your descriptions and unique methods for crafting figurative language to be refreshing, and it truly does feel like the poem is an inspired expulsion of creativity. In this piece, you use the rainfall as metaphor for the Parisian dreams or aspirations, and the give and take is a cycle that is shared and passed on in a multitude of ways. These dreams are lost on some and a source of nourishment to others. Overall, you have created a sense of unity between the city, the people, the elements, and the consciousness that exists between all. There is an atmosphere and a mood that dominates throughout. Great job!

CONVENTION:

There is a nice play on the metaphor in your poem. You link it with hyperbole in the instance where raindrops fall with aspirations, and I'm particularly fond of "Modern transportation is the gardener." I love how you create motion in the piece with this line, and I had a strong visual of hopes and dreams being transported around the city, some finding a home, others rolling off the hoods to nothingness. Good use of sound repetition, and I'll mention this more in my favourite lines.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

I enjoyed your use of punctuation for pause and flow. I'm not always a fan of capitals to begin every line of a poem unless it's grammatically correct, but this is a preference of mine. In this case, the capitals seem to create an emphasis that blends with your message, but it's always something to consider when writing for flow and emphasis.

My only suggestion would be to always look for a better way of saying something. With free verse, showing is sometimes more effective than telling. For example, instead of saying the rain falls lightly, you might say the rain falls like wind-caught petals. Instantly, there is an image of light petals swept sideways in a breeze. The rain has motion and is light, and it may mean the same thing, but you attach additional imagery.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Its pointed tip poised to inject Parisian dreams into the clouds."

I love this line! At the first, you are bringing this object to life, and it's scraping the sky and injecting dreams into the sky. In turn, these dreams are recycled and sent back to the city and its inhabitants. There is also an underlying darkness created with clever word choice. "tip poised" or poison tip? This is excellent, and whether intentional or not, something sinister comes with this description. It's almost as if the tip is brainwashing the city and injecting "poison" into the sky. This is the mark of a quality free verse poem. You have inspired deeper thought. Also, I love the sound repetition in this first line.

"Modern transportation is the gardener,
Planting artistic seeds. "

This is a great metaphor.

Thank you for sharing your fresh ideas and talent.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

29

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4031791

Review of Inquisition

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Jimbo

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hey there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. This poem is a little different, and I've enjoyed the genre and theme. Your poem tells a rather macabre tale about the deeds of an executioner, how he forces a confession from the condemned, and the tools he uses to force that confession. The dark theme is consistent throughout, and the descriptive language is visual, leading me to picture this malicious headsman who seems to enjoy his profession.

CONVENTION:

There are some great instances of convention in your poem. Your end-rhymes are perfect throughout, and even though the meter varies from line to line, the flow is pleasant. Your use of punctuation controls the pace, and omitting terminal periods was a good choice. Using less punctuation speeds up the poem, and it added a lot to the choppy, frantic feel that set the tone of this piece. I like your use of sound repetition, but it's the onomatopoetic language that elevates the quality for me. Words like "snip," "snap," "crank," and "spattered" all engage the sense of sound. These words sound like the action they are describing, and that does a lot for the dark mood. Spooky!

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There's one word in your poem that I'm not sure about. I've stumbled across words before that I've never heard of. I go and look them up -- and voila -- they exist! I'm also aware of multiple spellings for the same word, and I always check first. The word that made me pause in your poem was "sheers." To the best of my knowledge, in the context of cutting, it should be "shears." The other applies to a soft transparent material. I did search the word, but I couldn't find any example that fits your usage. I just thought I'd mention it.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Questions asked, demanded, commanded
Questions answered, remanded and candid"

I love the jaunty pace in these lines. The punctuation and use of assonance and consonance with the "d," "e," and "a" sounds are extremely catchy.

Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

30

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4030179

Review of In remembrance of the forgotten

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Hassan

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Nice to see you back for another round. You have a definite style that is all your own, and this poem covers the doubts, guilt, and memories of the narrator as he reflects on the past and those that he may feel he's wronged or forgotten. There is a tone of resignation and almost a bitterness for being forced to face one's own shortcomings. Your words prove that even though the physical form may end, there is not forgetting the spirits that will always be present. There is a conversational tone, and the questions posed make for a thought-provoking poem.

CONVENTION:

At the heart, this is a free verse because there isn't a set structure or rhyme scheme, but it's also what I would call experimental. You do have some pattern with the rhyme scheme that varies from stanza to stanza. Some stanzas have slant rhyme, some have no obvious rhyme, and others have perfect rhyme. The key to free verse is that there is no predictable rhyme scheme, even though there may be erratic instances of internal rhyme, slant rhyme, and emphasis on sound repetition. The poem has a nice flow throughout, and there were only a couple of lines in the piece that seemed awkward to me, and I think it's because their length strays from the shorter lines that you use mostly throughout. The most obvious was "Even though the pain was insidious,/there was no where else they would've rather been." Other than this, the flow is fairly steady throughout with no real hitches.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing I would suggest is to tweak the lines I mentioned, but this is just my opinion. Only you know what is right for your poem.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"A guilty conscience will fade in,
none will worry about the forgotten past.
Tears will run amuck,
the celestial silence will forever last."

There is a lot of truth about human nature in these lines, and you describe the way that people push guilt and blame away when there's nobody to remind them of what they've done wrong. The final line is my favourite, and it creates a visual of expansive heavens reverberating with forgotten spirits.

Thank you so much for your participation.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4019421

Review of Reflections Revealed

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

Greetings Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH

GENERAL:

Hi there! It's my pleasure to visit your portfolio that is positively overflowing with goodies.

This review is a part of your winnings from "The Cube"

. I hope you enjoy my thoughts on "Reflections Revealed." I have to admit, poetry about nature is probably the genre I visit the least. That's not to say I don't like it, but often I find the subject becomes repetitious and commonplace. There's always new ways of presenting a theme, and I believe you have done that with this poem. If poetry is about making the ordinary extraordinary, mission accomplished. The narrator is contemplating the wonder that can be viewed, smelled, and touched in nature, but also, the secondary image of autumn that reflects from the water's surface. In a poem that explores a philosophical view of what constitutes true beauty, there is a conversational tone that's strengthened with questions the narrator poses. These questions are engaging and lead to deeper thought on your topic. You have explored this genre -- I assume in an attempt to stimulate thought -- and you've achieved that. Nice job on your genres of choice.

CONVENTIONS:

And this is where I felt like a child in a playground! Free verse is so rewarding when well done, for reader and writer, and I was rewarded by reading your poem. It's the vocabulary, word economy, and the all-important keywords that elevate this form to something special. You've combined all three with perfect pace, breaks, and punctuation. The structure is great, and I found the motion to be seamless, even more so in the second half. I believe a poet should get lost in a free form such as this, and it's always obvious when that happens. There's nothing choreographed or manipulated in the end product. It simply feels like an expulsion of thoughts that are revisited and polished into one harmonious unit. There are many conventions at play here, but the most dominant, and in my opinion the most important in free verse, is the repetition of sound. The consonance, alliteration, and assonance jump from every line, and just one example that really sings is: "Symbiotic sensation, satisfies the senses;" This sibilant repetition is a delight!

Another aspect that I really enjoyed was the use of personification. You've brought the woods to life, and I'm convinced that they're deliberating on the beauty of their counterparts, too.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

This is one of those instances where it really is difficult to choose favourite lines. One line merges with the next, and each is dependent upon another for its motion and beauty. You have tied your thoughts together perfectly with such a rich use of vocabulary, and there are no weak spots. I managed to pluck out a couple of special snippets, and they're listed below.

"The viewer knows not which scene is more perfect;
the reality or the reflection.
Conflicted?"

In most free verse poems, I find that there is a pivotal point. It's the point where I get a sense of clarity and feel that I've tapped into the underlying meaning of the whole. The lines above are that pivotal point, for me. The interesting part is that both things are beautiful, but they are all a part of one unit that is nature. Nature is reflecting back at itself, and the "actual" picture of autumn is no more or less than the vision or reflection. I think you say it perfectly with "symbiotic sensation." Both things are separate but still merge together as one.

"When once more,
the currents' striped ripples,
percolate an image"

Not only did you end your poem with a strong visual of the rippling water, but you used beautiful language that's almost good enough to eat. I love "percolate." Strong word choice is vital in free verse, and you really give a reader the visual of a churning or lapping surface that reflects the red and gold of autumn.

I'm so pleased that I got the opportunity to review this poem. It was a real treat, and I've discovered another poet that I can visit when I want to absorb some poetry. Thanks for sharing your writing with me.

Regards,
Mandy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4012865

Review of Treasures

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings April Desiree-I'm back!

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi there! This is a beautiful and whimsical poem, and your strong grasp of vocabulary adds a lot to the delivery. The descriptions of the fairy queen and her treasure is a sweet dose of fantasy, and I enjoyed the story crafted in the confines of this ballade. You did a nice job on the format, and I'll talk more about this below.

CONVENTION:

The form has been well executed, and you've maintained all of the necessary elements. The lines keep to the required tetrameter, and there are some lovely iambic segments that are flawless. Right down to the envoi, the rhyme scheme is consistently pleasing, and it's a challenge to match a persistent rhyme scheme such as the one the form calls for. I must admit, even though it isn't "wrong," I did find the variation in meter to be a bit distracting. The cadence you begin the poem with is so perfect and dreamy, but when the meter shifts, I was pulled from the story. This is just my opinion as a reader, and there really isn't anything else to fault with your poem. The highlights of this piece are your adherence to form, the wonderful use of vocabulary, smooth instances of sound repitition, and your flair for inversion. This emphasis on syntax adds a lot to this medieval-style poetry form.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

This poem is so close to perfect for me, and I believe that if you maintained the iambic meter throughout, it really would be flawless. As I mentioned above, this is just my opinion as a reader.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"In reverie so sweet she lies;
a robe is covering her soft breast.
The blue jays and the butterflies
afloat as she’s so calm in rest."

These first lines are my favourite within the piece. As you do, I pronounce "covering" with two syllables, so the cadence is perfect. The meter doesn't deviate, and I love the use of alliteration. The sibilant repetition in the first two lines is most harmonious.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me! I thoroughly enjoyed your creation, and I hope to see you back for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4010615

Review of Creatures of My Subconscious

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings CCD

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! I thoroughly enjoyed this rambling adventure through your subconscious, and I hope you enjoy my perception of your poem. This is an honest account of the many "voices" that reside in a person's head, and the narrator is forthcoming as he or she describes the elusive nature of one in particular. Inspiration can be an evasive thing, and that creative spark that is most desired often jumps out of reach just as an idea evolves. You describe the way that the "beasts" offend the sensibilities of others, intimidate company, withdraw, and attempt to conform to proper etiquette. The most desired beast is flying on another plane and somewhat overshadowed by his noisier counterparts that demand more attention. The narrator is crying out for a direct link to the inspiration that is so hard to acquire, but his distance is little more than a distraction in a cloud of confusing thoughts.

CONVENTION:

The beauty of this well-structured free verse is your use of personification. Every "beast" is cataloged with mannerisms and character, and I love the hair-combing self-conscious. That's a memorable description. The king, however, has to be Creativity. What a wonderful beast this one is, and I enjoyed the use of language to describe his cosmic wanderings. This makes a visual experience where thoughts and ideas are bouncing about the stars and planets in a figurative skin. A first-person appeal to the forces of creativity is denied, and the conclusion is one of ongoing frustration for the elusive bout of inspiration that is busy skimming the Milky Way. There are too many wonderful instances of sound repetition and subtle rhyme combinations to mention, but you know what they are. I will mention one of my favourites below.

I have to compliment you on your use of grammar and punctuation. Both things are executed to perfection and make your poem flow flawlessly. There was nothing to focus on other than you delivery and story. Beautiful work!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"He lounges on far-off planets and munches on asteroids,
Sipping from the glass of infinity.
He can never be found at his apartment,"

This is just a part of a wonderful section. I love the idea of "munching on asteroids." This just adds to the fantasy theme that you've created. You should be very proud of your creation.

Thank you for your entry to the contest! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and I hope you return for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4010603

Review of Citrine Dream

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings paintmelikeiam

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. There is poetry, and there is poetry that is purged from the narrator's emotions. It's always easy to tell the difference when a poem has been built on emotion, and your passion shines through in each line. There are certain themes that dominate poetry, and love is probably near to the top of the list, if not at the top. The challenge is to find new and interesting ways to express the feelings of one who is in love. You have done that with this poem, and I was drawn in time and time again to your descriptions. The narrator is completely bedazzled by the object of affection, and talks of a totally consuming link. This poem has a wonderful foundation, but I think you could make it even better, and I will add my suggestions for improvement below.

CONVENTION:

Your theme is perfect for a free verse, as is your style of writing. You have a natural and meandering style that lends itself to the narrator's head-in-the-clouds state of being. I do think you could improve upon the structure of the poem and make it more readable. It would be a shame for a potential reader to miss out on the quality of your expression because they were put off by the format. It's a little chunky in places, and the length of your lines seem excessive. You transition well between lines with use of enjambment, but you might consider varying the length of your lines in places. Free verse is flexible, so it's for you to decide if you wish to change it or not, but I'm just giving you my opinion as a reader. The first-person perspective is perfect, and I can almost feel the narrator's heart squeezing at the thought of the beloved. What I love most about your creation is the imagery that comes with your unique descriptions. You have used metaphoric language throughout, and it really elevates the intensity of the emotional tone. Some of the highlights are your use of hyperbole -- where your extreme exaggeration of events intensifies them -- personification, and even a hint of oxymora where you combine opposites to make a point. I will highlight this in my favourite lines.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

You've chosen to omit punctuation from your poem in places but have used it for clarity internally, and I think it works in this case. If there is a lack of clarity, it isn't because of this; it's more because of line transitions and format. I noticed one spelling error in the following word that occurs twice in your poem:

"constilation"

The correct spelling is "constellation."

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

For the most part, you've used capitals to signify the beginning of a new thought, and this allows for the fact that there isn't any terminal punctuation, but there are a few instances where a capital detracts from your use of enjambment. My suggestion would be to use lower case at the beginning of those few lines where the thought is a continuation of the previous line. It would help to maintain that meandering feel that you've applied.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Those soft hands firm enough to hold me together?"

In this line, you describe the one desired as strong but gentle, and you've done this artfully with the use of the oxymoron: "soft hands firm enough ..." The two things are opposite but meld together to show character. Great job! There are many great instances throughout this piece that hold so much symbolism, but I can't mention them all!

Thank you for your entry to the contest! You have a lot of talent, and I hope you keep honing your craft.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4010601

Review of The Mask

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Jack-check out 7YS

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hey there! Thanks for your entry to the contest. I found this to be a really interesting poem. I like the theme, the somewhat dark tone, and the narrator's inner conflict that carries through from beginning to end. The narrator is hiding behind a wall of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. He thinks that he is impervious to the understanding of others, and he is hiding behind a created self. It seems that he's come to a point where others are trying to reach him, or his paranoia is telling him that his real self has been discovered. Sadly, the weight of emotional pressure and psychological unrest is determined to get the better of him, and the resolution of the poem is a final release from all dark feelings. The overall mood is one of loneliness and despair. You've done a great job on this emotional piece and managed to relate to me as a reader. It's easy to understand where the narrator is coming from as he teeters on the edge of life.

CONVENTION:

The strength of your free verse poem is the metaphor. You name emotional walls as a mask. This outer shell is a defense mechanism that keeps all at bay, but the "house of cards" -- the constructed reality -- is bound to fall beneath the pressure from outer sources. Your metaphor for emotional problems works well, but there is an almost rigid feel to the poem. I think you have a wonderful foundation here, and it could only be made better with some tweaks. The structure of your form is good, but it could be smoother. I will offer my suggestions below.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

"No, it cannot not see the light of the day,"

In the above "not" seems redundant. I wonder if it's a typo or if you intended it to read this way. Either way would not be wrong, depending on the context and your meaning, but it does create pause.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Free verse is a form that is extremely experimental, and it's always up to a poet to decide how they wish to deliver a poem. My impression as a reader is that it would work better with the use of enjambment in places -- with one line flowing into the next -- and less punctuation. The commas seem excessive in places, and I would suggest using capitals only after periods. This way, the flow is less broken and it's easier to follow the narrator's thoughts. I really enjoyed the second and third stanzas. There's some great figurative language in these stanzas, but I was a bit unclear on the first stanza. I mention this because it's an important part of your poem. The initial thought does lead on, but there doesn't seem to be a clear conclusion to the original thought within the stanza. The rest of your poem has clarity, but I think the first stanza is a little weak in this regard. Other than these things, I like your creation. It's unique and has the potential to be a great piece of poetry. These are just my opinions, so choose to discard them if you disagree.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"No one was supposed to see through the veil,
His impenetrable facade,
No one was supposed to see his other side,
The real one, the hideous one."

These lines really show the depth of the narrator's paranoia. His opinion of himself is negative and the real truth of his nature is unclear. Is his perception warped by psychological problems, or is he truly disturbed?

Thank you so much for sharing! I hope to see you back for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4010598

Review of Walls

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Hassan

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. From what I can ascertain, this poem is based on the narrator's faith that is being threatened by doubts. You have used rain as a metaphor for the deluge of emotional turmoil, but it almost seems to be cleansing and like a relief to the narrator. The question of believing is no longer a concern, and freedom waits on the other side of a breaking down of resolve. There is a contradiction in the tone of this piece, and loss is accompanied by a sense of gain. You've done a great job on this spiritual poem.

CONVENTION:

You have put together a poem of rhyming quatrains, and the rhymes are consistent and pleasing. The meter varies from one line to the next, but for the most part the flow is steady. I think in this situation you could improve the rhythm of your poem if you had a more consistent syllable count. It would only add to the structure you've already established. Your use of the metaphor for faith works well, and the concrete walls crumbling add to the imagery of the narrator's "coming apart." There is some nice instances of alliteration in "The barriers are breaking" and "weakening walls of faith." Your use of punctuation and capitals where grammatically correct all add to a pleasant delivery.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I would only suggest that you revisit your poem and read it for rhythm. Often, this helps with picking up on rhythm problems or words that don't quite work. I'm always looking for ways to strengthen the figurative language in my poetry, but it's important that it still remains natural and not forced. I think you have a natural way of writing poetry that isn't affected in any way, but there's always more fun to be had with convention.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Not so long ago were concrete,
but have now been brought down."

I enjoyed the metaphor for the narrator's faith, and this shows how experience and emotional turmoil can alter beliefs.

Thank you for your entry to the contest! I hope to see you back for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4007488

Review of Pondering the Past

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Bob retired

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi Bob! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I have to say, I loved reading this poem. You have a real skill for rhythm and rhyme, but it's the story of stockmen that really makes this piece a treat for me. The narrator is remembering his youth and the many years spent experiencing adventures in the outback. At a very young age, I was introduced to the poetry of Banjo Patterson, and he is still my favourite poet to this day. My grandmother was the one who introduced me to his verse, and I'll never forget her reciting Mulga Bill's Bicycle and The Man From Snowy River -- two of my all-time favourites. My point is, your poem reminds me of that kind of poetry. The visual descriptions bring to mind a rugged countryside and the sounds of birds and smell of horses. The tone is somewhat sad as the narrator recalls the hardships that he loved and wished he could experience again, but there is an understanding that the mind is willing but the body no longer is able. The resolution is one of being content in what each day has to offer. Great job!

CONVENTION:

A traditional-style poem, I like so much about what you've created in perfect rhyming couplets. The meter isn't consistent -- and though not required to be -- I think there are a few instances where the flow would be better if a syllable was inserted or taken out of a line. Revisiting a poem over time always helps me to see where a line is a bit off beat. Having said that, these instances are few, and the structure of this piece is excellent. You have an advanced grasp of vocabulary, and I love the descriptions of the landscape. Sound repetition is the crowning jewel here, and there are too many to make note of, but I'll mention my favourite below.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

This is a subjective area in poetry, and it's always a poet's choice when it comes to punctuation placement. Punctuation is so important because it dictates pace and delivery. Impact can be created with a well-placed period, and a comma in the wrong place can create an unnecessary pause. There are a few places within your poem that I would suggest an alteration or two. If you'd like my opinion on these areas, feel free to ask. I would be happy to offer my thoughts. If you are content with it as is, disregard my comments. Only you know how you wish to deliver your poem.

"cloudless blue shies" Possible typo?

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"On tall spires of lava the tired clouds are lying,
In the gullies and gorges soft winds are sighing,
Rippling the dry grass, rustling leaves on the trees,
Softly and surely comes the warming spring breeze."

This first stanza my favourite within your poem. It was hard to differentiate, but I love the sibilant repetition in these first lines, and the "s" sound creates a sonorous cadence. You've used feminine and masculine sounds and words in context with the action or subject, and that really strengthens your poem. "I particularly like "soft winds are sighing." It almost feels like nature is singing in this description.

Thank you for sharing, Bob. You brought back a lot of good memories for me.

Have a great day. I hope to see you back for the next round of the contest.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

38

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4007479

Review of A World Alive

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Storm Writer

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi there! Thank you for your entry to the contest! It's a pleasure to review your poem. I thoroughly enjoyed your creation, and I hope you enjoy my comments. The message in your words is an old one, but one that can't be said enough. Our time on earth is short, and it begins to feel more like this is the case once we "escape" childhood. The old saying "stop and smell the roses" is rather perfect, and even though we understand the sentiment, we really don't take the advice. Day turns into night, and night turns into day, and just like little ants, we continue to go about our business with our eye on the prize. The problem lies within the fact that the prize is found in the moments we make and share every day, not in the ones that we're striving for. Beautiful work.

CONVENTION:

You've crafted a great free verse here. I like how you've formatted the piece, and the movement is flawless. Each line bleeds into the next without pause, and this is due to a combination of word choice, rhythm, and clever use of punctuation.

I really enjoy the subtle use of conventions like personification, oblique rhyme, and sound repetition. Some of these instances are within my favorite lines, and I will highlight them below. The mood shift is also a nice touch. Your fist two stanzas are somewhat sad, but you inspire your reader with the final stanza. The upbeat tone, capitalization for impact, and select punctuation lifts the tone to one of hope. It's here that you connect with your reader and appeal to the nature that exists beneath perceptions. I have no suggestions for improvement upon this piece.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"defined not by depth
but overrated length,"

For me, this is the pivotal point in your poem. It's the essence of your message and is a reminder that quality means more than quantity.

"an evening's sunlit sigh,
fragile and infirm,"

These two short lines are so rich. The subtle personification of the sunlight as it sighs. The sibilant effect is nice, but the word "sigh" creates a feeling of warmth in this context and adds to the imagery. The next line contains nice repetition of sound, but also reminds us that it doesn't matter how secure our earth seems to us, it's cycles are fleeting. We really do take the beauty around us for granted.

Thank you for sharing. I hope to see more of your poetry in the next round!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4007476

Review of A Blitheful Sight

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thanks for your entry to the contest. Your poem describes all the beauty of a new morning, and the narrator is captivated by what nature has to offer while reclining on the bough of a tree. There is a warmth in the tone. Much of this comes from your descriptions, but it also comes from the narrator's appreciation of what the earth offers. Nice job!

CONVENTION:

Though your meter varies from line to line, you have a definite structure with couplets and a quatrain. In the current form, the couplets don't have rhyme, but if you were to make quatrains out of all your couplets, you would maintain your structure. You end-rhymes are excellent and don't feel forced at all. Great job in this department. You have an advanced use of vocabulary and seem to think outside the box when it comes to word choice. The use of enjambment and a lack of punctuation makes the flow of this piece a pleasant read. I have a couple of suggestions that I will mention below, but you did a great job.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Sometimes you have to be careful you don't mix up plural and singular descriptions. In the following:

"Trees unfold its emerald crown
to welcome the morning bright
On their huge bough, I lay down

"A tree unfolds its emerald crown
to welcome the morning bright
On its huge bough, I lay down"

This little tweak will help with clarity.

Word choice is really important, and you have some beautiful descriptions. There were a couple of words that's meaning didn't fit the action being described. In the following:

"The first drops of golden rays" and "Cold river constantly flows/ ruffle down in a slender twist"

I love the imagery, but "drop" doesn't seem to fit a ray of sunshine, and "ruffle" makes me think of a bird or feathers, not so much the movement of water. These are just my thoughts as I was reading, and how you choose to deliver your poem is always your choice.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Valleys and prairies and meadows
reveal their splendor from the mist"

The above lines give me images of rolling green fields behind a wall of parting fog. Very nice!

Thank you for your entry to the contest! I hope to see you back again for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

40

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4005723

Review of Follow the Music

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings turtlemoon-dohi

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi Susan! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I'm become accustomed to seeing a lot of free verse from your portfolio, so I was surprised to find a rhyming poem. This is a sonorous verse, and there's a lot of sweet sounds that add to the spiritual genre that you are writing in. A poem about the magic of healing, "Follow the Music" describes the therapeutic qualities of lyrics and rhythm. Much like poetry, music has the ability to make us feel a certain way, and your self-expression is evident in this lovely piece.

CONVENTION:

The form is structured couplets with not set meter. Each line varies in syllable count, and I think this shows your preference for freedom in poetry. Your poem is mostly literal, but its beauty is in the tone. Your end-rhymes are flawless throughout, and the only thing I would comment on is the variation in meter. Some of the lines don't read as well because of this variation, and I think you could strengthen the piece with a tweak here and there. A nice highlight for me is your use of sibilant repetition and touches of alliteration. Sound patterns make all the difference to this poem.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only suggestion I would give is to revisit your poetry from time to time. I do this often with my own poetry, and there are many times when I find a line that would be better said a different way. Sometimes the meter is off, and I make adjustments that improve the flow. Other than that, I have no suggestions. Thank you for the sweet poem.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Waking to whispers in my heart's ear;"

I enjoyed this line, Susan. The heart is personified in a sense, and it's hearing the music. Using the heart to "hear" helps to describe the passion and love held by the narrator.

Thank you for participating in the contest. Hope to see you back for another round!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

41

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4004687

Review of I Envy the Evergreen Tree

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Angels in my Ear

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Thank you for your entry to the contest. I enjoyed reading your poem with its many layers. This poem is all about perception, the difference between our exteriors and our interiors, and the allure of beauty as opposed to dependability. The narrator is lamenting the fact that his "coat" pales in comparison to that of the "evergreen tree." It seems that the object of envy is more desirable and has more admirers calling for companionship. The envious tree is plain and lacking in beauty, but it is caring and has more solid roots. The personification of the tree works well to define the concept of inner beauty, and I think you did a wonderful job with the message. I enjoyed the resolution, but even though the tree concedes that he shouldn't be envious, there is still a tone of sadness that comes from the misplaced values.

CONVENTION:

Personification rules this poem, and each thought and expression is human, revealing the truth about the desire for beauty, often at the expense of inner beauty. The tree is speaking in first person, and this strengthens his opinion of the evergreen tree, and the opinion of himself. A lovely free verse, you've done beautifully with the pace and easy flow. Well-placed transitions and use of language add to the overall effect. I like how you've applied punctuation, and the only thing I noted was some variation in capitalization. You've opted to use it where grammatically correct, and that is always my preference, but there are a few deviations from this style. I'm not sure if this is intention -- for impact -- or just an oversight. I just thought I'd mention it.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing that I would suggest in this entire piece is to consider the punctuation in the first stanza. I found the link from the first line to the next wasn't as seamless as the rest of the poem because of that period. It's followed by an incomplete sentence, and I thought it might work better with a comma or a caesura at the end of the first line. Other than that one instance, I really love this poem. Of course, you may have wanted to emphasize that first line, and the best way to deliver your poetry is only for you to know.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Yet as they arrive,
they see his color
is a lie.
He is deception.
He is pride
and cannot give them
what he never possessed."

This is a great stanza, and it really defines the power of illusion. The "birds" are seeing the tree with all its grace and beauty, and they naturally flock to it, only to find it's not what they expected. The final lines are the most meaningful for me, and it is love that the birds can't find in the evergreen tree.

Thank you for your beautiful entry. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope to see you back again for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

42

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3992469

Review of Dreams Realized

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

An Official Paper Doll Gang Newbie Short Story Contest Review
by Mandy

Entrants were charged with using award-winning photographs to prompt their stories.

Hello 💙 Carly

:
I'm here today to judge your entry in

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1948649 by Not Available.

PLEASE READ: The following views and opinions are just my own. My intention is to rate and judge your short story, but to critique another writer's work is never easy. However, it is always done with the best of intentions. My opinions are those of a fellow writer and reader. I'm not an expert on the craft of writing, so please choose to use or discard any or all of the following comments and/or suggestions if they don't work for you. Submitting your writing to be judged takes courage, so I commend you for participating and presenting quality. Each of the first (5) sections of this review will be rated from (1) to (5) stars and added together for a total out of (25) stars. My rating along with the rating of PatrickB will be added together to select a winner.

Creative/Stylistic Interpretation of Photo:

(2.5/5)
Based on the prompts provided, I'm assuming you've used the one with the little girl sitting beside the piano. She looks unhappy, and I'm guessing that Sally is a reflection of that tone. Unfortunately, the use of the prompt is a little vague, and your story isn't really based on the child; it's more about the romance between your protagonist and the object of her affection. At the same time, you have taken something from the image and interpreted it for yourself. I can see where your idea originated, but it just misses its mark a little.

Narrative Voice:

(3/5)
As a whole, your story is well delivered. There is a warmth between your characters that would be amplified with a little tweaking of other elements. Your use of third-person point of view works well, but there are some issues with the craft of your story. There are many instances where you tell the story, rather than showing it. This is a common problem in fiction and one that we all have to work on. The good news is, you can easily weed out that passive voice once you know where it is hiding. For example: "Reece had bitten the apple" should be "Reece bit the apple." The simple elimination of that one word brings the action into the present. Words like "had," "felt," and "then" are words that make your writing more passive. I found that your writing was a bit formal and disjointed in the beginning, and you lack sentence variety in places. Some of your sentences are choppy, and it would help to use some conjunctions to expand on your sentence variety. This does affect the flow of your story. In the earlier stage of your story, I would only suggest you watch for excessive or repetitious words. These will also slow the pace of your story. Your sentence structure or variety is of the utmost importance in keeping a reader in your character's world. The scenes you created were visual enough, and this is another instance where you can describe your scenes by showing with action and dialogue, rather than telling in a descriptive phrase. I noticed this at the beginning of the restaurant scene when you described the appearance of the restaurant. You have a natural talent for the romance genre, and I think with a little work on the more advanced elements of fiction writing, you can create memorable stories.

Characters:

(3/5)
For a character to be believable and sympathetic, you have to allow your reader to get inside that character's head. We need to be able to understand his or her desires and motivation. A few well-placed words can tell a whole lot about your character, and I felt like both Ryan and Helena were not as multidimensional as they could have been. I was wondering a little about Helena's appearance, and even though I wouldn't suggest a long list of character attributes, just a few subtle hints would have given me a mental image. All the characters you introduced were unique, but I think Sally's mum was a little extreme and stereotypical. Sometimes subtlety works better to define a character. You craft likable characters, but I would only suggest working on hanging a bit more meat on their bones. There is a bit of internal thought from Helena that is awkward, and I did find there were a lot of references to how panicked she was in the presence of Ryan. My only suggestion would be to tone the frequency of her reactions down.

Plot:

(2.5/5)
A short story only really works well with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I felt like there was more story to be told when I read your conclusion. I wondered about the little girl and what would become of her, and I wondered about the other characters and their motivations. Your beginning is a little bit unclear as far as where she is and where she is going. I don't know if your middle or beginning is strong enough, because I wasn't sure about the conflict. I'm assuming that finding employment was the hurdle that Helena had to overcome, but this is still a bit vague. Helena and Ryan realise their feelings for each other at the story ending, but there are some ends that need tying up. Perhaps this could be transformed into a novella and you could flesh out both your story and your characters. I think your plot is sound, but it does need a little tweaking. Please bear in mind, these are only my suggestions, so feel free to do with them as you wish.

Grammar/Spelling:

(3.5/5)
Your Grammar and spelling are fairly solid. I noticed some comma-placement issues. There was an absence of a period between two sentences and some missing hyphens from compound adjectives intended to modify nouns. Other than that, good job. Your story was pleasant to read, and this is due to your careful formatting and attention to presentation.

Overall:
I hope my suggestions are taken in the spirit they are given. I think you're an excellent storyteller with heaps of potential, but we have to constantly be honing our craft and learning more about the tools of writing. Each time I return to my chapters, I find instances of passive writing that I need to weed out. Once you recognise these issues in your fiction, they will become obvious to you. Your story has lots of charm, and your characters are warm and inviting. There are a few "moments" in your story that really induce reader involvement on an emotional level, and that's a skill in itself. Thank you for having the courage to offer your story up for critique. I wish you the best of luck with your writing endeavours.

OVERALL SCORE:
14.5 out of 25

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3977831

Review of In the Fields of Clover

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang
Greetings Magoo

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

GENERAL:

Hi! It's my pleasure to review your charming entry to the contest. Thank you for your participation. This poem is a real treat, and I think all ages would appreciate this mystical poem about the mischief performed by one of the wee folk. Leprechaun's have a reputation for being tricksters, and you've presented that reputation in a fun, lively way. This poem is full of colour and imagery, and I enjoyed this quality piece from beginning to end. I just know that little leprechaun is rolling in mounds of gold with a cheeky grin on his face.

CONVENTION:

This isn't the first time that I've read your poetry, and I always enjoy your brilliant use of meter and rhyme. As far as I'm concerned, this poem is perfect in both areas, and that is a credit to your ability at stringing words together. Creating a nice cadence in a poem is no small feat, and it's about more than a syllable count. Your words fit together like a puzzle. Your end-rhymes are perfect, and there's even a hint of internal rhyme that adds to the delightful sing-song quality you've constructed. There are some nice instances of figurative language and alliteration, and I'll highlight one of these examples in my favourite lines. The punctuation is well placed, and this combined with your use of enjambment make each line flow unhindered. There's nothing not to like about this piece, and I can't think of any way you might improve upon it. Lovely work!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The giggling girls and bumptious boys
were like a bunch of bees"

The sound repetition in the above example is brilliant and wonderful to read; I also like the imagery that accompanies the "bunch of bees." This brings to mind a swarm of busy, buzzing children.

Thank you for sharing your work with me. You have a real talent for poetry, and I hope to see you back for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3972011

Review of the same moon

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Rising Stars Review

For the premise of this group's activity, please see:

"Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings christo

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there! It was a pleasure to stumble across your portfolio, and I enjoyed your free verse creation. This is a stylish poem, and the tone you've created is one of romance and emotion. For me, the theme is based on a love that spans space and time, and the narrator seems to be almost at peace with the distance that has to be in place. Just as the moon is a constant force that is reliable and unchanging, so is the love that binds two people who aren't together. The bond is unchanging like the forces of nature. There is a sadness in the fact that two people remember each other fondly but can no longer be one.

CONVENTIONS:
There is no defining what makes this poem so complete, but there's a quality that lifts each and every line of "The Same Moon." Your use of language, line breaks, and punctuation all work together to form a cohesive unit, creating pause and flow. Those first few lines are brilliant, and you really dictate the pace to create impact. There are some subtle instances of figurative language that I enjoyed, and I will mention my favourite below. There is nothing to fault about this lovely poem, and I give you credit for your sophisticated use of language.

FAVOURITE LINES:

"(but I know, as certainly as
this fingernail, chewed off my index finger)"

The above excerpt shows the narrator's depth of anxiety, and this separate thought gives the sense that many minutes are spent thinking of the estranged lover.

"clock face, lived in each of our separate theaters"

I really like how you name life a theatre. It's an apt way of describing the drama that plays out with friends, family, and life in general. It also feels like the narrator is describing life as an act -- a part played but not felt, while reality and genuine love exist outside the theatre but still out of reach.

CONCLUSION:
You have some lovely verse in your portfolio, and I know I'll be back to read more of your creations. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I wish you the best with your poetic pursuits!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of Muse Masters Campfire Creative, Muse Masters Poetry Contest,
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Paper Doll Gang,
The Art of Criticism, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

45

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3971556

Review of Beyond the Words

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang
Greetings Dave

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I hope you enjoy my comments. I can appreciate the theme of your poem, Dave. I agree that poetry is more than an alphabet soup or exercise with the thesaurus. There is so much more depth to good poetry, and often the elements that comprise meaningful poetry defy logic. There is a sense of irony or contradiction in this piece. Your sophisticated use of vocabulary opposes the idea you are projecting. Intentional or not, this poem carries a logical voice that tells a reader logic isn't what poetry is all about. Nice job.

CONVENTION:

This is a poetry form that contains a set syllable count that must increase and decrease -- in the mirrored style -- to maintain the correct structure. Mission accomplished in this department. Aesthetically, I think the shape could be a little more pleasing, but I know the choice of word must take precedence over a variation in the length of a line. This ties in with your whole theme. Structure shouldn't come before content and creativity. It's a balance, and all aspects of a poem are important. There is a technical tone to your poem, and I think that can be attributed to words such as "nouns," "verbs," "vocabulary," "dictionary," "launch," and "logical." These are some of the words that give this piece an instructive and serious tone. With a nice use of figurative language, you light this poem with pleasant sound repetition.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Dave, there isn't much I could suggest to improve this piece. I enjoyed the irony that I found in "Beyond the Words," but if I made any changes, they would be to the visual aspect. The shape could be more pleasing to the eye.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"We perceive essence beyond
what the vocabulary found
in a dictionary can convey."

I think this is the core of your poem. It's true that true poetry comes from an internal source. The external sources that we use to tweak our creations are simply tools for our passion.

Thank you for sharing your poetry with me. I appreciate your support of the contest, and I hope to see you back for the next round!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

46

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3970146

Review of King Brian

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang
Greetings Liam

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. As you probably know, I'm well acquainted with one of the most influential leprechauns in the kingdom: Lenny, the lucky leprechaun. Even though I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, I did have to deal with the wrath of the little man in green. He was quite miffed that King Brian made his presence known in the halls of Writing.com. Ah well, I suppose he can just deal with it.

A limerick should be entertaining and catchy, and "King Brian" fills both requirements. This beloved fantasy figure likes the kind of "fiddlin' that's frisky," and he offers only the "good whiskey," so is it any wonder that he has the hearts and minds of the wee folk? This is a great example of a short poetry form.

CONVENTION:

A limerick is a deceptively simple form, but I've seen many that don't conform to the set meter that is required for that traditional cadence that limericks are known for. That jaunty flow doesn't just happen, it requires clever word placement, syllable count, and a set rhyme scheme. Mission accomplished. The word choice and placement is perfect, and there is no chink in the chain. A little bit of leprechaun slang works wonders and doesn't affect the rhythm. You've used your creativity for the end-rhymes, and I particularly like the sound repetition in: "But his fiddlin' was frisky." This line rolls off the tongue when read aloud. Great job! All other areas are perfected. I could find no fault with this piece. The punctuation placement adds to the flow and readability of a exemplary limerick. I'm green!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"But his fiddlin’ was frisky
And he gave ‘em good whiskey"

I love the word usage in these lines, and the shift in meter is perfect. These lines are catchy and fun.

Thank you for this wonderful poem, and thank you for bring variety and quality to the contest. I hope to see you back for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

47

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3969860

Review of The Life of Silver

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang
Greetings Angels in my Ear

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. It's my pleasure to review this lovely piece of poetry. This poem is well rounded, and I enjoyed every nuance and layer that you have artfully woven throughout. The poem is simple enough at first glance, but not only does it describe the beauty of a colour, but it also says a lot about the role a person has in their own life and how they are perceived by those around them. I like the way you describe a colour as a secondary facet that adds value to every other colour around it. This also applies to the person who adds value to the people in their life just by being present. It is the accent that adds to the depth of the other colours, even if it goes unappreciated. You speak of the complexity in the nature of all things, and I agree that a second glance is often needed to see every shade in a painting. Beautiful work.

CONVENTION:

I enjoyed the structure of this free verse, your transitions, and the pace created through length of line and word choice. There is an easy flow that's complimented by a clever use of figurative language and enjambment. You've added this language seamlessly; it feels completely natural and inspired. Not only do you personify a colour in one breath, but you use that colour as a metaphor for a person trying to explain their role or lack there of. I like the way the narrator speaks of themselves as a beautiful secret that is always there but rarely noticed.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"I help them add new dimensions and layers to what they already show so proudly.
But as they gain their sheen, I slowly melt away,
and watch them shine on their own."

I settle on the above excerpt in a poems full of favourites. This is where your use of metaphor really shines. The comparison between the colour and the person are strongest here. Just like a colour adds dimensions to those it compliments, a person adds depth to the people whose lives they affect. A mother gives her children strength and wisdom to flourish, and then she has to let them "shine" on their own.

However, just like the colour will always be there, so will the mother. Both are necessary and important.

Thank you for sharing and for entering the contest. I hope to see more of your poetry in the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3969850

Review of HATRED

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang
Greetings ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

GENERAL:

Hello Ann! It's my pleasure to review your poem, and I hope you enjoy my comments. The story of Matthew Shephard is one that I hadn't heard before reading your poem, and it truly is tragic. I know it's not the first time a crime of hate has taken place, and unfortunately, it won't be the last. I think it's terribly sad that a young man can have his life taken away in a heartbeat. Crimes such as these are sickening, and I found it hard to read the story of what actually happened to this boy. The most disturbing part is the fact that human beings are capable of such acts of cruelty. A person's sexual orientation shouldn't be an issue, and hatred towards those who may be considered "different" is frustrating. You state in your poem that God is love, yet sometimes those who claim to be the most loyal believers hate so freely. I guess it's easy for people to draw the conclusions that suit their own beliefs when it comes to religion.

CONVENTION:

This is the area that I think could be strengthened in this poem, Ann. I really enjoy free verse, and I've noticed that you like writing it. This piece flows well, and you've punctuated it well to aid the pace. You're telling a story in poetic form, but what gives poetry its depth is the use of figurative language. Although this piece is powerful and emotive, it is told in the literal sense. The use of symbolism or metaphor goes a long way to improving the impact of a poem. Alliteration, assonance, and consonance are all useful for playing with sound, and these steps make your poetry more sonorous. For me, the thing that differentiates poetry from prose is the use of figurative language. My opinion is just that, and how you choose to deliver your poetry is always your choice. Otherwise, you have created a successful free verse.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

In this particular poem, the flow could be improved upon if you were to use capitals only where grammatically correct. A capital isn't necessary at the beginning of each line unless it's the beginning of a new sentence, stylistic, or used for impact. This is also a matter of preference, but it's less distracting for a reader when there's an absence of capitalisation where not needed. As I mentioned above, trying to weave more figurative language into your poetry would be beneficial to the end product.

FAVOURITE LINES:
"They boldly say, "God is ours.
He filled us with His love."

The above lines highlight the irony in the belief that gay people defy religion. If God is love, then hating anyone would be wrong. You offer a strong message here, Ann.

Thank you for entering the contest! I hope to see you back again for the next round.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

49

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3967926

Review of Yours

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Review!

Greetings Kassimel

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

GENERAL:

Hi there! I see that you're new to WDC. Welcome to the site! This poem truly is an expression of love, and your words encompass every tumultuous emotion that is experienced in the midst of a romantic relationship. It seems that every feeling is recognised, explored, and compared to the uncertain nature of the elements. This is a beautiful poem, and I have to commend you on your use of vocabulary. The narrator is completely wrapped up in a blanket of love, and it's obvious that he or she is completely consumed by the experience.

CONVENTIONS:

Free verse poetry is a real treat when well executed, and this poem is an example of that. Your use of language is a strength, and I could visualise the swirling seas and building storm. The wild and beautiful side of nature becomes a metaphor for the amazing array of emotions that accompany love, and I enjoyed the way that you expressed the upheaval of a romance. As I mentioned, the strength of this poem lies in the use of descriptive language. What a visual experience!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

I enjoyed this piece in its entirety, but I love the examples of what love "is" in the following excerpt that plays on the landscape of love. Great job!

"Solid and constant as the earth
With majestic peaks and secluded valleys
Intrepid deserts and lush, teeming forests
My love is tangible and alive"

Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of
The Poetry Contest Corner
and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group,
Rising Stars, The Paper Doll Gang and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3967918

Review of The Memories

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Review!

Greetings Shana-Batgirl-Allen ~WeGotThis

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

GENERAL:

Hello Shana! Welcome to WDC! I stumbled upon your poem about the power that memories have over our present, and I have to agree with your sentiment. What happens in the past does have the ability to affect our quality of life for the future. We can't escape our own thoughts, and they are always there to plague us, much like monsters. Desperation flows from one line to the next as the narrator tries to outrun the inevitable attack of her thoughts, and you do well to make the memories sinister and dark.

CONVENTIONS:

I like the format and easy flow of your free verse. The piece is well punctuated, and with the use of enjambment and transitions, I found the pace a pleasure. The dominating convention is your use of personification. You have managed to bring your memories to life by giving them human characteristics. The mental stalkers are chasing, threatening, and tormenting, and the narrator is attempting to flee without success. I would only suggest revisiting your poem to see if you can strengthen it by adding a stronger word or eliminating a weak word. Free verse is all about keywords and impact, and playing with sounds and word choice can make a big difference to the even the smallest poem.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"How do I free myself of them for good?
They have found a way to tear at my heart."

The above lines are just one example of the narrator's desperation that colours this piece. Her sense of helplessness flows through every line and demonstrates how damaging emotional turmoil can be long after the fact.

Best of luck with your writing endeavours!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of
The Poetry Contest Corner
and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group,
Rising Stars, The Paper Doll Gang and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .