Mandy's (gobbledock) Reviews

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635 Public Reviews Given

655 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give constructive criticism, but always in a positive and encouraging manner. I'm honest and give advice for improvement where warranted, but I don't have any interest in shredding another writer's work. I will always do my best to focus on the areas that need attention. I like to give my interpretation of a piece (when applying to poetry) and enjoy giving a review that is both helpful and leaves the reader feeling positive about his or her work. On occasion, I will suggest rewording -- particularly in poetry -- and if you don't prefer this, you should advise me when submitting a request. I will always give the best quality review that I'm capable of, in content and presentation.

I'm good at...

My first passion is poetry, but I like all types and genres of writing and dabble in them all. I like poetry with depth and enjoy interpreting it and recognising artful use of convention. I'm good at finding the weak points in a poem and suggesting alternatives to strengthen them.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Romance/Love, Dark, and Comedy. These are my favourite, but I enjoy anything that makes me want to read on. Therefore, no genre is out of bounds.

Least Favorite Genres

Okay, if my arm is being twisted and I have to choose ... War and Spiritual. Both genres I find the least interesting, but I'm still open to reviewing them and will critique them fairly.

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Blogs and chapters. I don't hate them, they are just my least favourite.

I will not review...

I will review any genre or type with any content rating, providing it has a word count that doesn't exceed 3,000 words. Honestly, I prefer to review poetry.

151

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#3543077

Review of Dark Poet

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This poem has a great theme to it, and this is only enhanced by the fabulous image that you've used. This image is madness, although I don't necessarily think the dark poet is being portrayed this way. It is more about the thoughts that might be deemed unhealthy or strange; the thoughts that most have at one time or another. Poetry with deeper meaning is usually an expression of the true self, or a part of it, and you explain this in detail when you talk about the poet purging these thoughts on the paper, and relieving himself of the burden. The dark, unusual tone that you have set makes for a unique piece of writing. Great job!

CONVENTIONS:
Your use of convention in this poem is very strong, and you have a natural sense for creating imagery through figurative language. This poet's dark thoughts are personified throughout, and this is done so artfully that these thoughts come to life, and almost have a malicious agenda. For the most part your rhythm and rhyme are excellent, but I found the rhythm a little awkward in one line, and I will mention this below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is merely a suggestion, but I thought that your rhythm faltered slightly in one line.

In the following:

"Delivered from its shackles,
I place it on parole.
I find that I am free at last
of its droning control."

On reading, the final line in this stanza seems to need an extra syllable to make it smoother. I would like to offer a suggestion for an alternative wording.
As follows:

"of its droning thought control." OR
"of its droning mind control."

If you read either one of these lines in context of your stanza, I think you will find the flow easier. Once again, this is just my opinion, so feel free to disregard it if the desire takes you.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Delivered from its shackles,
I place it on parole.
I find that I am free at last
of its droning control."

Yes, strange but true; the area that I feel needs a little doctoring is also my favourite. Figuratively, this stanza is a dream. I love how you name these 'unbalanced' thoughts, and give them life as an entity that has been released.

Ken, I think you are an excellent poet, and in my opinion this poem is one of your best. I thank you for sharing your work with me, and look forward to reviewing more of your poetry in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3537988

Review of Tributaries

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there! First of all I would like to commend you on writing such a wonderful piece of poetry. There are so many layers and ways of interpreting the little nuances that are hiding beneath the more obvious meaning. Your more obvious point is what first spoke to me. What passion you have exuded in every line, with each tribute to the female oozing empowerment. It really gives a great message about equality between the sexes, and reiterates the fact that women are on an even footing with men regardless of any attempts to imply otherwise. Mother nature is the touchable force here, the larger metaphor for the trials women face in proving themselves as equals. Your reference to women being the life-source, the selfless passage for others to travel by, is only equaled by the reference to yin and yang, male and female, weak and strong, positive and negative. I can see so many likenesses between the female and Mother Nature within the piece. You talk of 'her' being held back, forced to conform, or be molded by the hand of man. Again, the similarities are so well-considered. Overall I think your message is one of embracing equality and encouraging growth, not hindering it because of insecurities. Inspirational writing!

CONVENTIONS:
Wow! Where to start? I enjoy free-verse poetry when it is this well-written. This is a little stroke of genius, the content is so strong and thought-provoking, there is so much depth to the piece, and the flow is absolutely seamless. A pace is set from beginning to end, and your use of enjambment makes it is easy to get lost in the meaning. This poem is one big metaphor for male and female, and your endless comparisons are a real treat. Your descriptive language is so rich insightful, and the visual dynamics that come with it give clear imagery of the beauty of nature, her strength, and the strength of the feminine energy. Mother nature is a dominating feature that highlights every point that you make. Very clever!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas are perfect! Everything here flows flawlessly, and the piece is well-punctuated.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
How can you improve on perfection?

This poem is so well-executed that I fail to see how you could make it any better.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"for she has cut mountains, carved stones, parted for great men
and still she has the grace to hold you in her arms.
She has contained countless souls within her womb, allowed them
to swim in her tranquil waters, protected from the pain of this world.
Offer yourself to her, for through your faults and insecurities,
your name, like the signatures of tributaries,

will remain forever etched
upon her weathered face."

Let's not forget just how important the female role is

Who could after reading this powerful piece? There are a thousand cliches that could be used, "Behind every great man ..." etc, but you have said it so much more eloquently.

This has to be one of the best poems I have read for some time, and I thank you for giving so much effort to creating something this worthwhile. I'm sure it was no mean feat. I look forward to the opportunity to review you again! Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3533666

Review of It Feels So Good, So Take A Chance On Me

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Jim, you have come up with a very original idea here. You have everything from the Monkees to the Eagles, and what a tribute to some great artists and pieces of music! You must have had fun compiling this list, and organising them into some sense of order that has meaning. You have accomplished this without doubt, and I believe it would have been a challenge to create this structure while still using convention. I'm guessing that these artists are some of your favourites, and I have to commend you on your taste. How could you go wrong? What I like the most is the way you have crafted a story from a puzzle of song titles, and it's all about love on the rocks! Artful work, Jim. All of these love songs are making me feel like a natural woman ...

My apologies!

CONVENTIONS:
Good job with your rhythm and rhyme. Achieving good flow with these elements can sometimes be tricky, but you have managed it, with an added level of difficulty. You remained true to the titles and maintained a steady rhythm and rhyme. There was only one rhyme that didn't quite gel, but I can appreciate that you are bound by the constraints of using words that can't be altered, so that is really an insignificant detail.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I could mention is the end-rhyme in the following lines:

"Let’s challenge our love, and take it to the limit
We’ll get closer to each other, see the fire re-lit"

This is one of those situations where you just can't mess with the product

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Without you, my love is like dust in the wind
I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend
It feels so good, I never want to let you go
But I have heartache tonight; I’m missing you so"

Of the four stanzas, I thought this was the most fluent and convincing as a whole.

Thank you for adding your own style to this piece of poetry. You have a sense of adventure with forms of poetry that makes for an interesting read. I enjoyed the little music clips that played as I read and recognised the individual songs within the piece. Yes, I do believe you have added audio to the list ... mmm, that's something you don't experience in every poem. Thank you so much for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3533109

Review of Nowhere

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I can hear a symphony of sighs all around me when I read this poem. The depth of love is almost tangible, and your words really tugged at my heart. It's a rare thing to be able to express your emotions so fully, and at the same time tease the emotions of another. Well done. It isn't often that I read a piece of poetry and feel genuinely touched by the meaning, much like the way I was with this beautiful piece. This is nothing short of ultimate devotion for another, and the love that flows so honestly is ... I'm not even sure how I would describe it, but I had a moment when I read the last word of this poem. I felt sadness for the wounded lover who has her barriers up, afraid of giving of herself, and felt admiration and a warming to the narrator, who is so determined to break down the defenses of the one he loves. Love, patience, loyalty and devotion. All of these things are expressed masterfully and I would put this small but sweet poem in with my list of favourites. I was inspired by this emotional delivery of love.

CONVENTIONS:
This is free-verse that definitely works. Seamless poetry that has no set rhythm and rhyme, yet engages the reader with the emotional pull and depth of expression is the definition of success in this form. I was absorbed by the story, and though you have used plain statement -- what emotional statement! Your use of enjambment works very well, and each line rolls into the next without hitch. What I did get from this piece was a strong image of this couple, tied together through an unspoken bond that can't be broken; someone trying to heal the one he loves. Lovely.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas, and I like the simple, effective way that you have used punctuation. That last line has such impact, and separating it from the last stanza is a little stroke of genius. The way you have formatted works!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I can think of nothing that would improve this wonderful piece. It is a quality poem that I imagine you are most proud of.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"I will wake up beside you
even when you go to bed alone,
in your heart, having built a wall
even God will have trouble penetrating.
My love, I am going

nowhere."

This stanza has to be the most effective, and every line is effective. The unconditional love sets the tone, but it's that ending that wiggles its way into the heart. It is a promise of undying devotion.

I'm so glad I got the opportunity to review this piece, and I hope you create many more emotive pieces in the future because you seem to have a flair for writing with passion. Wonderful read! Thank you for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3532026

Review of MOTHER AND CHILD

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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NOTE:

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
You've done a great job of the 'Symbiotic Acrostic Poetry' form. 'Mother and Child' is a fine example of two things with a strong connection, and all of the elements are well-balanced. The maternal note is dominant, but there is a nice transition from mother to child with an intermingling of the two. There is a strong sense of the unbreakable bond in this relationship. What a walk down memory lane!

CONVENTIONS:
You have adhered to the form perfectly, and your flow is good. There are only a couple of places where I paused, and I will mention these below.

Your descriptive language creates familiar images for any parent who has experienced these moments. I enjoyed your use of alliteration in the second line. "Of coddle and care." These are the little touches that make a poem special. This line in particular rolls from the tongue.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are a couple of areas that might need tweaking.
In the third line:

'Inately' should be 'Innately'
In the last line:
'Dependant' should be 'Dependent'
In the following:
'Help is on it's way.'
'It's' doesn't take an apostrophe in this instance.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Adjustments to the spelling and grammar.

This is merely a suggestion but I think you would improve this piece by omitting a couple of words from two lines.
As follows:
'The mother inately expresses her love and'
'Locked in and'
I know that these lines flow into the next, but 'and' tends to create pause, and I think you could easily remove these words from both lines and use a comma in their place. The meaning remains the same, but it would improve the flow of the piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Morning duties
Of coddle and care,
The mother inately expresses her love and
Her tender mercies as she
Embraces her little ones."

You have truly put the maternal in mother. A mother's sensitivities to her child are described to perfection, and your words exude tenderness. Also, the second line is my favourite in the piece, it's very catchy.

Thank you for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3532005

Review of Crystal Rain

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
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by Mandy

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NOTE:

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there, I can see why this poem took first place in the 'Ten Lines of Poetry contest.' It is a thought-provoking read that is rife with emotion and a strong sentimental tone. This poem could certainly be interpreted in different manners, and I wasn't quite sure if it was a tale of two lovers who had to part, with one lamenting times past, or if it was a more tragic tale where someone has taken their own life. I tend to think it is the latter, but whatever the case, I enjoyed the artful way you delivered this piece.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a shining example of clever use of convention in poetry. Concise, yet so visual and interactive. The way you pose questions invites speculation into the nature of the relationship and why things have ended. As for your rhythm ... what rhythm?

I wasn't even aware of it, and that is definitely a good thing. The poem just flows without pause and your end-rhyme is excellent. The touches of internal rhyme and alliteration enhance the piece, and I had a clear vision of everything that transpired on the rain-soaked hill. Good work!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This area is all sweet.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions for improvement.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Pinewood hill awaits New Year's Eve,
Fate beckons from over the ridge.
Loved you there, with your wind-blown hair,
Did you see you would take your leave?"

What a scene you have created here. The image of a cold, blustering hill, littered with pines, and fate personified as some sort of evil demon, calling the poor soul to their demise. I think the last two lines are the most touching within the poem.

Thank you so much for sharing another great poem with me! Another great creation.

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3525103

Review of Dalinda Pink, Angel Fae

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
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NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Carol, this is such a sweet, pretty poem. It has a timeless feel to it, as if it could have been plucked from the pages of Lady Cottingham's Fairies. It plays on the desire so many of us have to know if fairies truly do believe in another realm, and glitters like the fairy-dust that radiates off the fair Dalinda Pink. I was enchanted by your poem, partially because of my own love of all things fantasy, and also because you have given a well-rounded, quality piece that left a smile on my face. I am a crazy on images, and though they can't improve the content of a poem if it is lacking, they can certainly enhance one that is already rich with imagery. Also, love the title -- it is very cute! Everything comes together so well that a feeling of poetic harmony is created ... maybe those impish folk have cast some magic on this one ...

CONVENTIONS:
This rhyming verse has lovely flow to it and your end-rhyme is impeccable; never forced or unnatural. The way you describe the feeling of love in this newly-formed relationship with the lovely angel of the Fae is a treat.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in either area, and the way you have punctuated throughout is sheer perfection. It is a pleasure to read in every way!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions for improvement here.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"What's this I see
In front of me?
A beauty bright and fair.
She looks at me
With kind query
And starlight in her hair."

This first stanza is sheer delight. The picture I had was one of a shimmering, pint-sized fairy, almost luminescent in design, winning the heart of her defenseless observer.

Once again, you have proved your ability in writing quality poetry, Carol. This is going on my list of Carol's favourites! Thank you for sharing with me, and I hope I get the opportunity to review your work again soon!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3519401

Review of "Crystal Tear"

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a mournful account of a broken love-affair. One can almost feel the desperation and sadness that flows from the narrator, and everything seems to be evolving in slow-motion. This person is projecting a melancholy aura; depression is claiming her, and moving forward seems to be an impossibility. I think the final note here is undetermined, the narrator's fate hinging on her ability to move on.

CONVENTIONS:
The rhyme in this free-verse is very good, and rarely feels unnatural or forced. For the most part your rhythm has good flow and you have used some figurative language that strengthens your descriptions. I have a couple of suggestions that I will mention below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas seem to be fine

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Changing your end-rhyme has to be at your own discretion but there are two places where I think it would sound better put a different way.
In the following lines:

"I slowly stand upon my feet,
uncertain at the fate I'll meet,"

The rhyme itself is perfect, but it still seems slightly forced; almost like the obvious is being stated in that first line because the word 'feet' will match.

"I watch it fall, this crystal tear,
shattering with my crystal fears."

My preference would be to drop the 's' in 'fears,' this way you will create an easier rhyme.

Even though you have no set syllabic count, I think the rhythm should still have a steady beat that doesn't feel stilted.
In the following stanza:

"I see a soul that shines so weak,
and the tear upon my cheek,
a reminder of a love so far,
a sparkling, glimmering beautiful scar."

I found myself pausing at the second line, and I think if you add in another two-syllable word it will bring the rhythm back to what you have set.
Example:

"and the icy tear upon my cheek,"
OR
"and the restless tear upon my cheek,"

A suggestion for punctuation:

I thought you might add a comma in the first line of the first stanza, after 'sit,' and in the fourth line of the fourth stanza after 'glimmering.' These changes might help to maintain that steady pace that you have set throughout.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"As I sit gazing into the sky,
a single tear forms in my eye,
not of water like dew on grass,
one made up of crystal glass."

The way you liken a tear to crystal glass, gives the impression that the tears are brought on by pain that is harsh and cutting.

I hope you find some value in any of the above suggestions. I think you've done a great poem on this poem and thank you for sharing your work with me! Good Job!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3518881

Review of Love Song

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
If this is your first attempt at poetry, I think you have done an admirable job. It's good for a first attempt, but it would be good coming from a more seasoned poet. I'm sure you have a lot of quality poetry to come. Though a little sad, this is a common situation; where two people that still have love for each other grow apart, and are left with memories of better times. The sentimental tone holds a lot of sadness, and the feeling is that there is no turning back, despite a longing for what has been. The underlying current is the silent question of why outside influences and life has to change the dynamic in a relationship. The message you give is that the distance between the two lovers is too wide to bridge, and their love for each other is overshadowed by other factors.

CONVENTIONS:
You have set yourself a challenge in this structured piece, and have certainly risen to it. I think this type of poetry is one of the more pleasing to read, having a set rhythm and rhyme, and a feeling of consistency. After reading the first verse I trusted that the flow was going to be seamless. Your figurative language works well, and when you colour the beauty of your love as a rose in bloom, it gives a clear sense of how strong the love once was. Your use of enjambment creates an easy feel as you roll from one line to the next without pause.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas. You have punctuated the piece well to create pause and flow where needed.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions in this area. Any improvements would have to be at your own discretion. I'm sure if you go back to your poem on the odd occasion you will find little things that would work better put a different way, not necessarily better, but perhaps the meaning might be closer to what you initially intended. I often wonder if a poem can ever be called complete!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"We first met in the spring when the flowers so bright
Were abloom in their beds, all in careful tableaux.
I was drawn to your beauty and sought to invite
You to join me and stroll in the trees that enclose
That fair glade where we met and where love first arose."

These lines are full of so many beautiful descriptions that add to the visual experience.

I enjoyed reading your poem, and thank you for sharing. Keep creating!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3518757

Review of Catching Air

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Miss Bee Review

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Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I like the idea behind this piece of flash-fiction, and think you did a good job of telling it in an interesting way that held my attention from beginning to end. Marty is definitely one of those guys that lives to stir, and you have given both characters their own voice, in a short yet concise piece of writing. The beginning, middle, and end of this piece had purpose, and I felt the emotions of each character; the narrator going from trepidation, to acceptance of her fate, to outright fear, and Marty ... all about the snide enjoyment of torturing his companion. When all was said and done I did wonder how many times Marty had actually been on that roller coaster.

OPENING PARAGRAPH:
This is where you manage to draw the reader in by creating interest in what the 'hobby' is. I wanted to keep reading to find out exactly what the narrator didn't want to be involved in. Straight away I knew important things about the characters. Marty was all confidence, and very good at influencing his 'prey,'

and the lady was the more reserved, retiring type that was quite happy to play spectator. However, this very nature is what leads her into Marty's trap.

PACING AND DESCRIPTION:
Even a short piece of writing can be boring and flat. 'Catching Air' is neither of these things; it flowed pleasantly and was a joy to experience. The strength of description is in your characterization -- both characters are very real and individual. Great job!

DIALOGUE:
Ah, the precious ... This is the best part, in my opinion. Poorly-written dialogue will spoil a story every time. If it isn't natural, the reader spends the whole time questioning the authenticity instead of going with it. I think you have a lot of skill in this area, and I felt like I could have been listening in on a real conversation.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Just one small thing that you might want to check up on. I'm pretty sure 'pussy cat' should be one word.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
No suggestions in this area!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

“Really?”

“This is the perfect coaster to ride to confront your fears. It’s a real pussy cat!”

“If I get on this ‘pussy cat’ and live, you promise never to ask me again?”

“Promise. Now let’s get in line before you change your mind.”

This is where she is duped, good and proper! I can almost see her crinkling her nose as she asks her question, giving her trust over to Marty. Also, the dialogue is great. This is the point where the decision is made and the only thing left to do is watch the fall-out.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3517661

Review of Dark Music

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
You've done a great job of this wonderful form of poetry. This is the first time I've seen a poem written in this format; I don't know if I can tribute this to the form, or the excellent job you have done of executing it, but I feel inspired to dabble with the 'Trijan Refrain.' That is a credit to you as a poet. You have inspired me! 'Dark Music' is a poem that would be open to interpretation, concerning the identity of the 'devil's wife.' Is the narrator pitting her as the 'devil's wife,' literally, or is she simply an evil soul? I'm not sure if the 'bite' is that of a vampire, or if it is a metaphor for the pain that is inflicted by the femme fatale in the light of her coupling with the unfortunate. Then, I wonder if the devil's wife is the alias for suicide, and the lonely soul in question finds release by taking his own life. Whatever the case, the way you merge such clever writing with a tricky form is nothing short of artful, and I enjoyed it immensely. Two souls coming together with different motivations; one trying to rid himself of loneliness, and the other on some sort of macabre mission. Though your theme is dark, and could have easily had a sombre feel, you managed to lift it with some clever descriptions that contradict the premise.

CONVENTIONS:
I can only judge your form on the notes that you have provided about its requirements, but you seem to have mastered it. What you have undertaken here is a challenge by any standard. Your rhythm and rhyme have perfect flow, and nothing feels forced or unnatural. Your similes are where the poem is really lifted -- they are very strong and visual. You have punctuated the piece well, and this sets the pace to create impact where you want it. Overall, a great poem!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in this area.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
When a poem is of a high quality there isn't much advice that can be offered on improvement. It's a case of tweaking it to suit yourself if you re-read it and find that something doesn't gel as well as you thought. From my point of view, it works as it is.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"A pulse, like music in the night,
a melody of life,
entices like a candle bright,
calls to the devil's wife."

Your similes engage the senses, and give a sense of just how strong the allure is to the devil's wife.

You are gifted in the field of poetry, and I really appreciated the opportunity to review your work. Thank you so much for sharing! Till next time.

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3515889

Review of Life's Cycle

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This week I have been lucky enough to have the privilege of reviewing some more unusual forms of poetry. A Garland cinquain is quite challenging in that the last verse has to pick up all of the others and still sound natural. Yours achieves this while taking the reader on a journey from the new birth of a baby, to old age and reflection on the years that have passed. In plain statement you give a sentimental portrayal of the passage of time, and though common-place, this is a story that is much-loved by anyone who has been through any of these phases of life and can appreciate the importance of them. Each of these segments of life are clearly defined and relatable, therefore each part of the story is a slide-show that I'm sure will be unique to each person that reads your poem.

CONVENTIONS:
Your form is perfect and the idea of using 'The Life Cycle' as your theme seems to suit the segmented structure of the format, the final cinquain ties up this cycle with a little piece of each phase. Your syllable count is spot-on and you use punctuation well to create pace and give pause when needed.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in this department!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think you have done a great job with this piece and can see no need for improvement.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Children.
The seeds of hope.
We fret, we cry, and still
family joys invigorate.
Complete."

You've used some nice figurative language in this cinquain. Naming children the 'seeds of hope' is a nice touch, and you reiterate the importance of how completion comes through family ties. What I like the most about this poem is how all of the joy and happiness you speak of comes from the 'simple things' in life. Love is the defining factor.

You have created something original here, and I think you did a great job of gluing it all together. I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3511330

Review of To Adam From Eve

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
My overall sense is that this man is a cad!!

Seriously, this is a twisted romance, not because it is an unusual occurrence, but because the roles seem to be jumbled. The loyalty and adoration flows from the narrator; her dedication wasted on a man who doesn't appreciate her love. He has two relationships that are serving him in different ways, and at least one of his partners knows the situation and is unable to pull away from it. The tone is sad, and the reference you make to 'Adam and Eve' is very apt to the unwavering adoration given by the narrator. My feeling is that she is living for this person, blind to his faults, and just waiting for him to realize she is what he wants. The way the narrator speaks to her love is very gentle, and has a maternal, unconditional note. I think her only wish is to orient herself around him, much the same as Eve to Adam. This is an emotional and different take on jilted love.

CONVENTIONS:
I noted that you doubted the form of this piece, calling it 'less than perfect.' I think as a free-verse poem goes, it is a perfectly good example of what one should be. The beauty of free-verse is that there doesn't need to be a rigid structure, or pattern, as long as it works as well as yours does and flows as sweetly. You have used some nice figurative language, and I want to mention these in my favourite lines! Your pleas are emotive, and I felt like I was sitting in on a person who was having a conversation with their lover. The liquid-smooth flow was matched by the thought- provoking quality of the piece. When the narrator asks questions, as she does in this piece, it involves the reader more, and draws them into the experience.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault here!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't see any need for alteration in an A-grade poem. You have incorporated all of the best bits here. Well done!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"I keep you strong
As woman should her man,
An Eve for an Adam.
We are connected by a thread
You cannot sever."

This is a very telling stanza. It describes the depth of devotion, by referring to the union of Adam and Eve. The invisible thread is a great metaphor for the bond of love.

"Maybe one day soon
"My love,
You’ll see me for who I am;
Your wife,
Your helpmeet,
Your companion,
Your heart…"

Though you have ended with an unfinished note, the conclusion seems to be predictable. The heart is needed for survival, much like the narrator is still needed.

This is a great poem that I enjoyed reading, and I thank you for writing from the heart! Nice job!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3503071

Review of Nocturnal Longings

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
The feeling of being constrained by fears and patterns of dependency are what speak to me the most. I could relate to the emotion, and the sensation of drowning, that you speak of. This is what happens when a person can't push past the things that are holding them back from happiness, and even though they know what they need to do, they can't always make the changes necessary. The 'gentler moon' is overpowered by the 'life-giving' sun, much the same as the narrator is overpowered by the dominating force in her life; the thing that keeps her from her own identity, and strength. The tone tended towards resignation, but awareness also gives hope that things can change.

CONVENTIONS:
If one continuous metaphor for being stifled qualifies for conventions then you have achieved this, well and truly! The flow is flawless and easy, and the imagery, sublime. I could see the silvery fish gasping for life beneath a luminous moon that is casting ribbons of light across the water. Every bit is an image. The depth of emotion that you use to describe that sense of being suffocated gives the reader an affiliation with the narrator. Great work!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Everything seems to be sweet and perfect and peachy!

FAVORITE LINES:(S
“And behind that deadly lifestar
the gentler moon waits in daylight,
A silver ghost begging for darkness
A lunar mirror of borrowed brilliance
and temporary light
Always waiting for her moment
to shine without another's strength”

These lines ooze symbolism. The sun and the moon, the strong and the gentle. The 'moon' is being thwarted by the dominating 'sun.' You definitely have a way with words.

I love this! You have a great skill for writing quality poetry, that is laced with emotion. You have exuded feeling in every line, and your use of figurative language is a thought-provoking treat.
Thanks for sharing. Till next time!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3503036

Review of A Sister Lost

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Nikki, this is a sad example of how family bonds can be damaged, and even broken. The narrator gives the sense that her sister is self-absorbed and doesn't see the things that are most important. Sibling bonds are very important, and you tell of how time and circumstances can alter relationships; sometimes to the point where they are irreparable. I felt the sadness and longing for times past.

CONVENTIONS:
A shining example of an acrostic! I didn't even notice the form but was more lost in the content of the poem and the beautiful flow that you provided. This piece is rife with figurative language and I love the way you compare life's everyday pleasures with a field of flowers, and it gives another underlying message; that the sister isn't stopping to smell the 'roses.' The imagery is excellent, and enhanced by your vivid descriptions. You have used every word to sweeten the quality of your lovely piece.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Grammar and spelling are faultless. One small note … tiny

Your ellipses should only have three dots, and you should have a space before and after the ellipses so it is separated from your words.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think you have given a shining example of a poem, regardless of form. I don't see any way that you could improve upon this. It's a job well done!

FAVORITE LINES:(S
“Immersed in glamorous audacity, skin and ego
Stroked by countless people, but none who really love you. I see you
Trample down fields of flowers in reckless pursuit of nothing that matters
Eager to finger that golden horizon.
Reaching, insatiable, for the jewel-encrusted platter”

Every bit of this poem shines so it is hard to call any section my favourite, but the figurative language is so rich. The 'jewel-encrusted platter' and 'golden horizon' are both wonderful metaphors for the unobtainable.

I love what you have done with this piece! Thank you for creating something of such quality. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3500348

Review of Inaccurate Accounts

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
The evil eye has been cast upon the narrator of this poem! Being falsely accused isn't a fun experience but at least in this situation the accused gets to defend themselves, and emerges victorious! High drama! Your use of language gives this a very formal feel, which is appropriate for the situation described. A clever account of a little dose of reality.

CONVENTIONS:
You have excellent rhythm and rhyme, and both things are almost perfect. There were a few things I noted in this department and I'll mention them below. Your plain statement works well and suits the theme. Rigid and perfunctory. What I have to comment on is your vocabulary! Wow! You have done a wonderful job on your ending rhymes.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could find no fault with either thing.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Depending on the form, I don't think it necessary to adhere to any set rhythm or rhyme, however, as it is your intention to have the right syllable count I will mention that a few lines had extra syllables that you might have overlooked. Every line had eight, excepting the following:

“That I construed to alienate”

“Her spouse—who’s a degenerate.”

"She did—it was inaccurate."

These are the only lines that have extra syllables. The last two lines both contain a caesura, which counts as an extra syllable.

Also, some of the rhymes didn't flow naturally. Aesthetically, they are perfect, but the pronunciation creates a little awkardness with one word in particular. The following:

“That he and I were passionate.”

The word 'passionate' breaks the flow slightly.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

“The jury’s back – I palpitate
We stand before the magistrate;
My story they did validate
That she, indeed, did fabricate!”

The last stanza is definitely my favourite. It has perfect rhythm and rhyme and rolls off the tongue. You tie up the story well! What you have done here is very impressive, and overall this is an excellent poem.

I appreciate the opportunity to review such quality poetry, and thank you for providing the material. Thank you!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3498586

Review of Storm Music

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I get the feeling that this poem is a wistful lament to times past. Memories are something that can be very powerful and will present themselves when we least expect it. Some thought or action will trigger a slide-show of past experiences. Strangely enough, the better they are, the stronger that little twinge of sorrow can be. The 'music' in your life is always changing, and I think you are choosing to look back on memories both good and bad; listening to the notes that you like best. Childhood memories are always intense, and you give the sense that it is one of those memories that will always be there.

CONVENTIONS:
Your free verse flows beautifully. I enjoyed the smooth delivery, and your use of figurative language is very strong. You describe things in such a way that vivid imagery is created. The alliteration is so strong, and I like the deeper metaphor; likening the trials of life to a storm.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There wasn't much that I could fault in this department. The only thing I noted, I will mention below.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
In the following line:

“into new growth, ivy-ed twists shooting forth,”

My suggestion would be to change 'ivy-ed' to 'ivied.' This is the correct way to use 'ivy' as an adjective.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

“Mobius memories circle, entwine, spiral
into new growth, ivy-ed twists shooting forth,
climbing to new heights
unburdened by the weighted terrors—“

I love the alliteration, the quality of your descriptive language, and how you personify a memory as a blossoming vine, emerging into something positive.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the near future.

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3497838

Review of Dibble, Dabble

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Writing is all about self-expression; a way of letting go of emotions, whether they be positive or negative. It's creative therapy, and the best kind of release. I believe that poetry writing is food for the soul, and you give a strong sense of that here. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, there is always room for creative expression. This is a clever poem.

CONVENTIONS:
I think you have excelled with your rhythm, and the rhyme is consistent and natural. The flow is effortless and I like the easy, unforced feel. Everything about this is as smooth as silk, and your layout and image adds to the overall effect. Well done!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Your grammar and spelling are faultless.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't see any need for changes – the whole thing works well.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“Scribble, Scrabble~
Words on paper,
Words for my emotions' sake.”

(c:plum} I like the reference to 'scrabble' in the first line. Poetry is all about finding the right word to fit and sometimes it is a process of elimination, but I like the line 'Words for my emotions' sake.' It's about the emotions invested in the writing. Poetry with feeling is a natural progression, and good poetry should always feel inspired.

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3494449

Review of Groundhog Night

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
This poem is sheer entertainment from beginning to end! I love the hillbilly theme that you have created and I enjoyed the imagery that came with the simple use of language. This is story in poetic form, and I envisioned the characters; Mary-Lou in her 'House on the Prairie' inspired night gown, peering out of the fly-screen door, and Pa standing on the porch in all of his hillbilly glory; shotgun poised, body rippling with determination. Throw in a missing eye tooth and you have the perfect scene! You have the ability to make poetry interesting, and the humorous angle you have taken works well. Only one question remains; did pa recover from his injury? I get the feeling that you had a lot of fun writing this – it has an inspired feel. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme is very consistent and has an easy flow that I really appreciate. Your use of descriptive language and similes creates vivid imagery, and for me, this is your biggest strength.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't find any error with your spelling but I thought some of your punctuation might need tweaking. I will mention this area below.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

This probably comes back to personal preference, but I thought you might consider adding apostrophes throughout your poem. You have used some in certain instances but there isn't always continuity.
Example of where you have altered the style of your punctuation:

“Afore he breed another litter” “Pa fell asleep 'fore woodchuck came out ”
“ Dontcha remember when just last fall” “Sure I 'member when ya went a'huntin”

'Afore' and 'fore', and 'remember' and 'member ' are different variations of the same word. I realise they are two different characters speaking but it seems like they would use language the same since they are family. Little things like this can sometimes break the flow.

Also, I think you need to add apostrophes at the end of a lot of your words.
Example:

“ Sure I 'member when ya went a'huntin
That fat woodchuck who kept on gruntin
And shot yourself in ya big old toe
Cursin and cussin like a two bit hoe”

I think it would improve your poem if you added the apostrophes throughout your poem but this is just my opinion.

“ Sure I 'member when ya went a'huntin'
That fat woodchuck who kept on gruntin'
And shot yourself in ya big old toe
Cursin' and cussin' like a two bit hoe' ”

There were a couple of places that might require hyphens:
:“Cursin and cussin like a two bit hoe”
suggestion:
“Cursin and cussin like a two-bit hoe”
Also:
“ Better git the phone - dial up nine one one”
suggestion:
“Better git the phone - dial up nine-one-one”

Where you have used the word 'hoe', it should be 'ho'.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“Dontcha remember when just last fall
Me precious garden, groundhog ate it all
I swore to God I'd catch that vermin
And offer him a shotgun sermon”

I don't know that I have a favourite stanza because they are all equally enjoyable to read, but this particular stanza has great rhyme and it's very catchy. The last two lines are really clever.

Thank you for sharing a memorable poem. I really enjoyed reading this unusual piece of writing and I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the near future. Well done!
Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3476732

Review of Before 8 November

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Hooves, this gives a perfect example of how certain relationships feel like they are truly destined to be. You give a sweet account of true love's path, and emphasize the deep emotion that one has when they find their soul-mate. I like how you compare the wind, snow and rain, to the harsh effects of longing for something that hasn't yet arrived, but you hope is coming. I felt every word of your poem, and agree that some things are seemingly unavoidable. This is an example of two people fitting together and being in synch, so deeply that if feels like they've never been apart. I must admit, your poem does resonate with me more than most, sheerly because of the meaning.

CONVENTIONS:
As far as conventions go, the highlight for me is your superb use of rhythm and rhyme; the perfect beats – it has flawless flow. The way you use the elements to create imagery of your emotional state is artfully done, but the real beauty lies in the meaning, and open delivery of a special experience. This is a quality poem that comes straight from the heart!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could see no fault with your grammar and spelling and I like the way you pose questions; even if they are aimed at a special person, or simply rhetorical. They make a poem interactive and more thought-provoking.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Any improvements made here would have to be at your discretion. In my opinion it is a passion-filled ode to love that needs no tweaking.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“Was there a moment stuck in time,
Your hand was not yet laced in mine?
Or was our destiny in stone?
Together, not to stay alone”

This final stanza is my favourite. This is the question that shapes your whole poem. Is it possible that through all the trials and tribulations of life, there is that one special person who is meant for someone? I believe that the narrator doesn't really have any doubts that this relationship is anything other than destined to be.

I felt this poem deeply and could relate to everything; the sentiments, the longing, the depth of emotion – this is a credit to your ability to give a piece of yourself in your poetry. Thank you for sharing such beautiful writing!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3474429

Review of Take Me, Oh Death!

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Ali, you have the Grim Reaper on the rampage! The narrator in this poem is almost welcoming death; as if it is of no consequence to the one that is daring death to do it's worst. The lack of fear for what is an inevitable part of life is a rare sentiment and gives the feeling that the narrator is almost bitter or past caring. There is an angry indifference in the voice, giving the poem a dark tone, but this is obviously the way you have intended it so it works on the right level. However, the belief in God and the afterlife shines through in the last stanza and shows the real reason for the indifference to death.

CONVENTIONS:
There is some nice figurative language and good similes in your piece, Ali, but I did pause a bit over some of your rhyme patterns. I will mention this below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I can find no fault with your grammar and spelling, and your use of punctuation is great!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I hesitate to comment too much on structure when it comes to free verse because there really are no rules about how you format the piece, in terms of varying lines in stanzas and rhyme patterns, however, I do feel that your poem would be even better if you looked at the rhyme scheme. There doesn't seem to be any continuity in the pattern, and it varies from one stanza to the next. I know it's hard to change a poem once it is complete, and it is only my opinion, but I do think it would strengthen your poem more if you tried to have a constant rhyme scheme. Other than that I think it is a quality poem!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“But here's the rub, Oh Death, my friend,
Your secret I've found out!
For though most fear thee as the end,
'Tis only born of doubt.”

This is such a meaningful stanza. Your point about fearing death because of uncertainty is the most apt point you make.

Great poem, Ali! It was an interesting read. I hope you continue writing poetry because I think you have a natural ability for drawing the reader in, and involving them in the intimacy of the poem. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3474424

Review of Roses in Heaven

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Winnie, this is a lovely poem. I really felt the depth of emotion, and could relate to all of your expressions of sorrow. Anyone who has lost a loved one can understand these feelings of loss and sadness. I liked how I got a sense of the mother in the poem and the sort of person she was, the kind of relationship the narrator had with her; all from a few simple lines. Strong relationship bonds cannot be broken by death, but they are dearly missed, and the way you speak of the aching heart is very apt – time does ease pain but you can never forget the people you love the most. A very heart-felt poem!

CONVENTIONS:
The strength in this poem is the rhythm and rhyme – it is impeccable, and it floats along so smoothly that all the reader has to do is enjoy the beautiful sentiments. If there is a definition of short and sweet, this would be it. There is no halt in your flow and the rhyme is so natural and easy. Writing from the heart lends itself to flawless writing.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Perfection! Your use of grammar and spelling add so much to the quality.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Any improvements made here would have to be at your discretion. I found 'Roses in Heaven' to be a perfect piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
Okay, this is tricky because I honestly don't have a favourite stanza within the three. However, I chose the following because it tugged on my heartstrings just a little bit more than the other two.

“If roses grow in heaven, Lord,
Then I beseech of Thee:
Please place a bunch in Mama's arms,
And tell her they’re from me.”

What I love about this stanza is the imagery of roses growing in heaven, and how you give some insight into the mother's appreciation of roses without actually spoon-feeding the subtle points of character. The last line in this stanza is very sad, but sweet. It is artfully done!

Thank you so much for writing a deeply emotive poem that really showcases your skill. Thank you for sharing your passion!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3474413

Review of Color My World

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
You have created a monster here, Pat, quite literally! Depression is a sombre entity in your poem and it is the parasite on the host. This defines depression and offers some real insight into just how much control it can have over someones life. You have given the image of someone who is stuck in a pit of despair, someone who longs to feel good again and experience life in the manner that they once did. The structure has a meaning all of its own – the ebb and flow of your words matches the emotional ebb and flow that is a part of depression.

CONVENTIONS:
You have delivered a quality example of a double nonet and I particularly like the use of colour in your font – the depressing grey with the little burst of rainbow. I enjoyed the flow of this piece and love your use of personification when you talk about depression as if it were a living, breathing force. The descriptive language is excellent!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault with your grammar and spelling.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Any improvements made here would have to be at your discretion. Overall, it is a great poem. You haven't let the format dictate the depth of feeling in the piece – it is primarily about the emotion in your words.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“Color my world gray, for depression
has me in its grasp and will not
loosen its grip. I struggle
to see brilliant colors
beyond the gray mist.”

This is such a great way of describing the true nature of depression.

This is a poem of depth and meaning, and I enjoyed the open, honest delivery. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3470873

Review of Winter

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:I always enjoy poetry that exemplifies the beauty of the seasons. Winter is possibly the harshest of them all but can be the most beautiful. Though you give the prettiest of pictures here, there is still the underlying threat of a the harsh reality of nature. It is easy to see the birds fluffed and chilled, picking frantically at the seed. There is an almost sombre tone in the narrator's voice, and there is the sense that he or she is longing for Spring to break through the confines of winter.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a flawless poem, as far as I'm concerned. The flow, rhythm, and rhyme are impeccable, and there is nothing that breaks the progression. I wonder if this is something that you tweaked a lot because it has a perfected feel to it. Your use of figurative language is sublime, and the imagery, beautiful. You really have it all in here, some nice alliteration that adds so much, and your subtle use of personification gives a heart beat to the elements.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could see no fault with your spelling and grammar.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't see any way that this poem could be improved upon. It is sublime!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“Their urgency is broken now
by a cat upon the couch
and all the noise outside the glass
lends credence to her crouch.”

The imagery that comes with this stanza is some of the best within this piece, and I love the alliteration in your final line. That is my favourite line of the poem – it's fabulous! This is a 'wow' stanza.

“Locked beneath my backyard stream
spring secrets softly flow,
reflected in the rippled ice
where sunlit dreams will grow.”

I was spellbound by your descriptive language here – the imagery is amazing and in these few lines you create the picture of Spring emerging from Winter in all its glory. Two seasons are put on full display in one stanza.

I enjoyed this poem immensely and I am so impressed with your ability for stringing words together in a clever and beautiful fashion. This poem is definitely one of my new favourites and I look forward to reading more of you art! Thank you for sharing your passion!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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#3470852

Review of Dew of Dreams

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
One thing that always shines in your poetry is the gentility. You have such a way with portraying the beauty in everything; nature, animals, and people; the one place where it is not always easy to find beauty. For me this poem is very spiritual and gives a feeling of how deeply connected we are with nature, how everything is linked, and how everything in the universe is a reflection of ourselves. No matter what your beliefs are of how creation began, there is the deeper meaning here – everything is a chain, and we are dependent on every facet of nature for our survival; even those things that may seem so insignificant have a profound impact on life as we know it. I'm struck by the purity, understanding and freedom of this piece, and it feels like you are having a revelation of your own when you create something with this depth of passion. The single lines that you use for impact work well, and affect the message that colours this whole piece; unity and appreciation for what sustains us.

CONVENTIONS:
Your free verse flows very well and only gives the slightest pause for thought when you break the stanzas with a single line, however, they are well-placed and add to the impact of your message, so it works really well. Metaphorically, it is overflowing, and so rich with imagery; the way you compare two such different creatures and somehow manage to merge them as one united entity.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could see no fault with your spelling and grammar.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think any improvements made to this poem would have to be at your own discretion. It flows well and is beautifully descriptive; the structure is clearly a matter of choice in a poem with this form.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
“We are the mirror where our images blend,
And the lines become blurred because once,
Our souls danced as one.”

I love how you give that feeling of interconnectedness here, and the emphasis on the soul, not the image.

“We are tethered by a golden thread
That wraps us in a cradle when we are lost
And becomes the gossamer wings that lift us
When we are ready to soar.”

This is my favourite stanza simply because of the beautiful language used!

Calli, you have your own unique style with poetry – I think it comes from a very sincere place and that shows in the quality and depth of feeling. I get the sense that you write sheerly for love and the finished product is always a treat. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Miss Bee

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