A "The Rockin' Reviewers"  Review!
 Greetings Byron Dean 
NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!
GENERAL:
Hi! It's my privilege to review your excellent poem: "The Golden Staircase." I thoroughly enjoyed the form, your exquisite use of convention, and your layers of depth that are a rare treat in any poem. This piece is about humankind's lust for power and dominance and their tireless pursuit of these things. In the beginning of this piece, you describe the hopeful throng of souls that are aspiring to climb the "staircase," perhaps somewhat naive and idealistic in their aspirations, but eager, nonetheless. The staircase is a symbol for the hopes and dreams of society, the yearning to rise to the top of the heap, and a sure-fire path to the promise land. There is a method or strategy, if you like, for climbing this staircase, and the dreams that the hopeful travellers see in the reflection of the ladder are merely mirages. They may exist somewhere, but only a rare few get to experience them, and the experience is surely less glamorous than the one seen in the ladder's reflection. I like the way you describe this path as impenetrable, the rungs of the ladder, oily. It gives an image of the masses trying to get a grip on their dreams only to be ejected in a flailing heap. You make reference to the strong prevailing over the weak, and only the superior will make it to "Odin's Hall," but will they enjoy their rewards in the afterlife of heroism? The dominating theme seems to be: Is the reward worthy of the journey, or should the journey be the point of value? I think your conclusion sums up one constant idea. All that matters is perception, pursuit, and the creation of an image that is acceptable. However, in doing this, the few exceptions that get to the finish line are left remnants of their former selves, and what they have strived for has destroyed their souls leaving them fit for "Valhalla's Hall."
CONVENTIONS:
You've created a good example of an open-form poem here. This form of poetry doesn't necessarily require a set or established line-count, rhythm, rhyme scheme or pattern, but rarely does a open verse poem go without any of the aforementioned conventions. Your poem does have structure, and though it isn't required, you have applied a set rhythm of sorts, and in doing this, you gave me an expectation of a certain pattern. It was mostly maintained, but there are a few instances where I think you could tweak the flow. There are also just a couple of awkward word choices. These areas are detailed below with my suggestions for improvement. I realise these areas are subjective, particularly in this form, but my opinions are only those of a reader who looks for a satisfying pattern in a poem. The line and syllable count varies in length, as I would expect with an experimental form such as this, and in places you have crafted these areas specifically for impact. Great job! Your poem is rife with convention and overflowing with metaphoric language. Allusion also powers the piece with references to "Odin's Hall" and "Davey Jones." This clever application gives your reader an instant image of your subject, adding a whole other level of layering to your piece. Your use of descriptive language is wonderful, and you have created an interesting rhyme scheme that is consistent and perfect. At no time did I feel like the end rhymes were forced. They felt like a natural progression that sailed along with your use of enjambment. I will highlight your masterful use of convention in my favourite lines! 
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
 The entire poem is punctuated for ease of reading and flow. Great job in these areas. Because of the consistency in this area, I found the following use of the period after "trip" a slight inconsistency. However, I did consider that you might have placed it strategically for empahasis, so you can take it as a suggestion.
"do continue on their gracious trip .
To find the ladder and to firmly grip"
The following is more of a suggestion for impact. This section is quite climactic, but it would seem more so with some emphasis. I think exclamation points should be used conservatively, but this is a perfect example of where one might be used.
"and abundance, and eternal glee. [!]"
I noticed that you've used capitals only where grammatically correct throughout this piece, my personal preference, but the following lines were the one deviation. I realise you may have done this for impact, but I just wanted to bring your attention to it in case you overlooked it. Otherwise, it works either way.
" Not industry or work or strife;
Not climbing to a better life,
But the status-quo,"
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The following line seems awkward because of word choice. I think an interesting reword would be "will crave the gifts for which we toil" I know you are emphasising the "ladder", but I think you reiterate the importance of the "staircase" in the following line. I think a nice flow is a good substitute for a nice word in a poem full of them.
"for something more than plants and soil
sees the ladder’s gifts for which we toil"
"will crave the gifts for which we toil"
are but reflections in its rungs of oil."
A suggestion for rhythm and flow:
"on quests to find the fruitful tree,
and abundance, and eternal glee."
I would suggest a reword for "looking." Every word has the ability to work for your poem, and I think this word is a bit weak.
"as they lie there looking limp and lame"
Overall, you have created a steady structure in your poem. There were a couple of other places where I paused due to a shift in the rhythm, but I hesitate to make suggestions in these areas. In the context of the poem they were out of beat, but there was a consistent shift that you maintained over two or three lines, and the rhythm was consistent in context of these lines. With this form of poetry, you have more leeway in this area.
FAVORITE LINE(S):
Nice use of descriptive language to create imagery in the following lines. I could see the glittering dreams as you proposed them in the shape of a spiralling staircase to achievement.
"The golden staircase standing proud
outlined by a strident crowd."
The following is just an example of your artful use of the metaphor. The sea becomes the turmoil of life, the fruitful tree becomes a bountiful life borne of success, and while unexpected tides wreak havoc with progress, those striving to the fore become jaded.
"Youthful minds are lost at sea
on quests to find the fruitful tree
and abundance, and eternal glee.
But violent waves now tip the boat
and ideas prove too dense to float."
This is the defining point of your poem. It doesn't matter how hard a person works or strives, their dreams will never be any match for a predetermined system. Things are the way they are regardless, and effort is ultimately rewarded with the necessity of sacrifice.
"what it is the golden staircase truly is about:
Not industry or work or strife;
Not climbing to a better life,
But the status-quo,
failure, woe.
And the sharpening of the knife."
Thank you for sharing this excellent poem with me. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of your words. I have just one more suggestion! You might consider filling in the genre section in your "edit item," and you could add a subject/brief description about the content of your poem. Sometimes a poem like this can be more difficult to understand, and a little clue about the content is never a bad idea. If any of my comments were unclear to you, please feel free to contact me.
Regards,
Mandy
Creator of
The Poetry Contest Corner
and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group,
Rising Stars, The Paper Doll Gang and Showering Acts of Joy.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
This review is a part of your shower from "
Hi there! Well, well, well ... what do we have here? A feisty whale and a snookered sardine who is bound to be part of an ill-fated sandwich. I think. Maybe. I'm not sure. Possibly. 'Tis good. 
I think the message here is to write for yourself first, weed out the excessive mistakes later, and don't take the "rules" too far. So, do we grab the 
For the premise of this group's activity, please see: 
This review is a part of your shower from "
