Mandy's (gobbledock) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

635 Public Reviews Given

655 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give constructive criticism, but always in a positive and encouraging manner. I'm honest and give advice for improvement where warranted, but I don't have any interest in shredding another writer's work. I will always do my best to focus on the areas that need attention. I like to give my interpretation of a piece (when applying to poetry) and enjoy giving a review that is both helpful and leaves the reader feeling positive about his or her work. On occasion, I will suggest rewording -- particularly in poetry -- and if you don't prefer this, you should advise me when submitting a request. I will always give the best quality review that I'm capable of, in content and presentation.

I'm good at...

My first passion is poetry, but I like all types and genres of writing and dabble in them all. I like poetry with depth and enjoy interpreting it and recognising artful use of convention. I'm good at finding the weak points in a poem and suggesting alternatives to strengthen them.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Romance/Love, Dark, and Comedy. These are my favourite, but I enjoy anything that makes me want to read on. Therefore, no genre is out of bounds.

Least Favorite Genres

Okay, if my arm is being twisted and I have to choose ... War and Spiritual. Both genres I find the least interesting, but I'm still open to reviewing them and will critique them fairly.

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Blogs and chapters. I don't hate them, they are just my least favourite.

I will not review...

I will review any genre or type with any content rating, providing it has a word count that doesn't exceed 3,000 words. Honestly, I prefer to review poetry.

126

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14 days may be credited.

#3899104

Review of WHY SHOULD I?

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings,SHERRI GIBSON

This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi Sherri! I was taking a look in your new poetry folder and stumbled upon this little heart-tugger. The narrator of this poem is expressing the depth of her hopelessness in a relationship that has obviously gone past the point of no return. The sadness is apparent, but there is also a healthy dose of anger that speaks of a lover burned and someone who has no forgiveness left in them. The relationship described is a toxic one, where trust and happiness are things of the past. The most important message is the one about the importance of trust in a relationship, and how a lack of it is so destructive.

CONVENTIONS:
Although this piece has no set structure, you have managed to keep a consistent flow with your end-rhyme, Sherri. For the most part, your rhythm has a smooth flow, too. It is broken by an occasional awkward word here and there, but I find that revisiting poetry after a break from it helps to reveal these inconsistencies, particularly when a poem is newly written, like this one is.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great, Sherri. I only have one suggestion for the following:

“Tears flow like rivers now,
I've lost all faith somehow.”
I might suggest you use a semicolon in place of a comma after ‘now’.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
As mentioned above, I would only suggest revisiting your poem and reading if through so you can hear where the rhythm doesn’t quite work, or is made awkward by a word choice.

“I believed in you in the beginning;
now playing a game I'm not winning.”
--In the above excerpt of your poem, I found the second line to be incomplete. I considered that you may have written it this way to shorten the syllable-count in the second line but it would still read better if it was complete. Example: "Now I’m playing a game I’m not winning." I think the meaning and flow of the poem should be paramount, then you can work the rhythm around to suit both things.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

“Why should I try again,
return to where I've been?
Dark clouds now follow me,
replacing laughter with needless misery.”
--I like this stanza that talks about the narrator’s turning point. She has come to terms with the fact that her relationship is a lost cause, and she wants to move on with her life.

FINAL THOUGHT(S):
Thank you for sharing a piece of your poetry with me, Sherri. I think you’re a passionate writer and the pleasure you gain from your craft shines through. My only suggestion would be to keep picking at your poetry over time, because I believe this is the way to really perfect your writing. I enjoyed my visit to your port and hope to return soon!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Rising Stars and Showering Acts of Joy.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

127

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14 days may be credited.

#3646167

Review of A few rough edges ~

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review

by Mandy
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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A review for my January review buddy!

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings Kate - Writing & Reading

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM: Hi Kate! I am here for a few reasons. Firstly, you are my review buddy for January, but I was also lucky enough to receive a review from you a while ago, and it was a real treat! I've spent some time with your poetry, and am now officially a fan of your writing. What an amazing poetess you are!

OVERALL SENSE:
This little Triolet is a sparkling gem, and I'm so glad that I happened upon it. I particularly like this form, and yours is a superb example of what one should do with this form. The way you liken a rustic tree house to the aging process, and make comparisons between the two, is wonderful. This is a memorable poem, and you make a valid point about the way memories can keep a person youthful, and alive. Though simple, your use of convention is nothing short of artful, and I will mention this below. For such a short piece, it is one that will stay with me.

CONVENTIONS:
It seems you have experimented with many forms, and I don't doubt that you excel at all of them. I will revisit your port regularly, Kate, because I enjoy your poetry. The form is executed to perfection, and you've maintained the correct syllable count, which is a credit to you. A lot of poems claim to be written in a specific form, but don't adhere to the form, and this lets them down. What struck me the most about this Triolet was the way you used the metaphor, naming an aging soul a weathered tree house. Brilliant! The comparisons are so apt, and I am in awe of the sentimental, easy way that you weave it all together. It has a great flow to it, and you've proven that quality doesn't have to come from quantity. You describe the complexities of the human nature, and how a person may be imperfect, but still carries on to recall the chapters of their life.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
These areas are as flawless as the rest of the poem. Bravo! Punctuation is so important to the delivery of a piece. I have but one suggestion, and it is subjective. I have always been a fan of capitalising the beginning lines of my poems, and it took me a while to loosen up in that area. It is a matter of style, of course, but I think this poem would benefit from using capitals where grammatically correct. I think it depends on the poem. This one is sonorous and free-flowing, and the only time I paused was at this line: "Unpolished; youth holds age at bay". The capital 'U' made me hesitate for a moment. As I said, I like to capitalise the beginning lines of my poetry, too, but sometimes it depends on the poem.

FAVOURITE LINES:
The whole poem needs quoting, but that would be cheating!
"Unpolished; youth holds age at bay
With sap of joy on gnarled hands;"
If I had to choose, these lines would be my favourite. The personification of 'youth' holding 'age' at bay, is clever, and it is here that you demonstrate how memories can sustain a person in their latter years. And the second line -- again, you compare the tree house to an elderly person. They are both weathered and rough, but the spirit of a life experienced is still alive.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Nothing of note -- you're just too clever!

CONCLUSION:
Thank you for sharing this with me, Kate. It's a privilege to have you as a member of the group, and I will be back for more of your art. This poem will be going on the 'Sweet Treats' list in February's Newsletter!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

128

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14 days may be credited.

#3630571

Review of Two-in-One Poetry Contest

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Gold General Leila

Johnny Blood at your service.
My need to please my leader exceeds my hunger!

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Command me and I will comply!

Summoned from the earth, I have no greater purpose than to revel in the literary genius of my fearless leader!
This review of "Two-in-One Poetry Contest"

comes as part of your purchase-price in "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that I haven't fed since the battle. I am hungry -- my thoughts may scatter on occasion -- and the following comments and observations are only the opinion of one zombie. Take what you can use and discard what you cannot. More importantly, keep creating, conquering, and contributing to our wonderful community with that wonderful brain of yours.

MY IMPRESSIONS, GOLD GENERAL, LEILA:

Greetings, General Leila. Though I have been entrenched in battle, and wish to return to the earth from which I was summoned, my duty is with my supreme queen of battle. I do have an insatiable drive to feed, but I will bide my time and deliver my thoughts on this project … where so many fresh minds come together.

It’s inspirational, the way you pit one against the other in this competition for the lyrical soul. I am struck by the originality of your ideas, and enjoy how you get the most from your followers, asking for the ink from their quill, but also, their critique on the poetry submitted to you, most humbly. The title you have given this exercise is perfect, for it truly is twice the effort with twice the reward. My thoughts scatter as I envision these nubile minds concocting creations, and I thank you for the gift of such divine imagery. Firstly, you enlist these poets, then you ask them to share their knowledge through a review. Another great attempt to build morale and improve skill, while building on your army.

You speak of this "Invalid Item"

… Are the undead welcome? I still like to think I have an element of charm, and I promise to mind my manners.

Oh, dear General Leila! Indeed, you do have an eye for detail. There is not much that I can fault in light of such a demonstration of artistic sensibility, but I must admit, my eyesight is not what it once was. My pupils are but milky orbs, and I would only ask for a larger size for the text.

The image sets the page and makes me somewhat nostalgic. These things that you call pencils only remind me of the wooden stakes that were employed on the battlefield. Many of these did I plunge through the hearts of … forgive me, my queen. I do believe my thirst for flesh is beginning to plague me.

You are a wonderful leader, and it is when leading that your strength and courage shine! As always, you are firm but fair, and the rules for this activity are well-balanced, however, I offer my assistance in any eventuality. There are ways of dealing with riff raff that won’t comply!

I don’t believe any more instruction is necessary in this area.

How generous the prizes are! I do believe a medal of honour would be appropriate, however. Should the 1st place warrior not receive an award of some kind? Perhaps you could bestow a 10K awardicon upon the 1st place winner, as well as 15,000 GPs … or perhaps a 25K awardicon … Every warrior wants to leave the battle arena with a medal of honour!

Although I no longer walk the earth with warm blood pumping through my veins, I was quite the scholar in my day. I think these scrolls need little attention. You have orchestrated a most original idea for this contest, General Leila. Thank you for sharing your creative mind with me. What a fine brain you have … Perhaps we can confer over the spoils of war at a later date.

Yours in blood,
Johnny.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

129

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14 days may be credited.

#3627740

Review of Son of the Moon

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings, Leila

It is my pleasure to review "Son of the Moon"

as part of your spoils of war, Gold General. This review is part of your winnings from "Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:

Greetings, Gold General! This review is a part of your spoils. Whilst browsing your port, I happened upon this short story and was intrigued by the title. I like a dose of the Fantasy/Mythology genre on the odd occasion, and this seemed like the right medicine.

PLOT/OVERALL SENSE:

I like where you took this story, and I think the premise behind it is a good one that could definitely be expanded into a larger work. Perhaps a bit more character building and description would give you the desired result. Native American mythology has a mystical quality to it, and you describe the people and their way of life, well. Their beliefs are all about Spirit, the connection to nature and their beliefs in the ancestors. You have given a strong sense of this here, and the link between the moon, the stars and the boy, cement these beliefs, adding to the ending of your story. You have a clear beginning, middle and end, with a good denouement that ties up the story, but also leaves room for expansion if you wanted to add more to the piece. I think if you fleshed out the story and added to the layers, you could turn this into a novel. The idea is interesting, and I think you could really add to the adventure and colour. There are a lot of side avenues with a tale like this.

SETTING:

Again, this story is concise, and a lot of information is given in not a lot of words. What I did get was a clear sense of the environment, and I could see the characters bounding over boulders as they tried to escape the warriors. Alot of times, the setting builds in the reader's mind without a lot of description of the landscape. I think when you are describing a race of people that lived life a certain way, the images are already there. Basically, the dialogue and the race of people detailed give a sense of setting. Good job in this area!

DIALOGUE:

Dialogue can be a tricky thing to write convincingly. You seem to have a natural flair for it, and I found the conversations to flow quite well. It didn't seem fake or unnatural, but rather, it added to the sense of character. I particularly like the boy's comments at the end of the piece. This is the point when I really felt like you were introducing him, and he spoke with a maturity and leadership that fit his superior status as a chosen one. He could easily be turned into a hero that would be the center of your story.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
I found a few bugs in this area. As below:

"She drew herself her man closer,"

"She drew herself closer to her man"

"Ten men to kill a a single man,"

"The full moon will rise tonight, so their time might be running out if the prophecy were to be believed."
You switch tense in the above. Suggestion:

"The full moon would rise that night,"

"The woman and the child ran [the] other way; three of his men should be enough to deal with them."
I would suggest a period, rather than a semi-colon after 'way'. Also, you might consider italicising the second phrase to show that it is the man's thought. On first reading I was a little confused at this point.

"White Buffalo sung [sang] like a bird[,] to bring[ing] his warriors into formation to surround and trap the man — four against one."
The above is a suggestion for clarity.

"looking for any sign of her man [White Sun] or [her] foes."
Another for clarity.

"Eleven animals were under the full moon when same stars of the day I came to be were lighting the sky."

"On the day I came to be, eleven animals were under the full moon, and stars lit the sky."
A suggestion for clarity.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

It was said a boy marked by the moon would be born.
This is a great way to open -- both intrigueing and catchy -- it lures the reader to find out more.

"The prophecy came true. The owl gave me wisdom; the eagle, its sight; the squirrel, its climbing skill; the cougar, its silent walk; the deer, its speed; the bear, its strength; the bat ,its hearing; the wolf, its smell; the fox, its sharpness; the warbler, its song; and the buffalo will give me my people back.
It is here that you explain the prophecy and the power that has been bestowed upon the boy. This is what I mean about leaving room to expand the story. Now that the abilities of the young warrior have been explained, it leaves an opening for more of the story.

"When I come to them riding it, they will believe." He stood up and pushed his mother gently down. "Now rest, mom. It's over. Our people will have peace."
As I mentioned above, this is a good way to complete the story, and you tie up all ends. Great job!

PRESENTATION:

In a normal review, I don't usually reserve a space for presentation, but this is one of those times when it needs a mention. I found this story a pleasure to read because of the time you have spent making it visually appealing. Your use of font and colour are a treat, and easy on the eyes! Your introduction is very attractive, and even a light splattering of emoticons doesn't detract from the piece. Very few people pay as close attention to these details, and I give you credit for paying it the attention it deserves.

CONCLUSION:

Thank you for sharing this with me, Leila. I now know that you are as passionate and creative in your writing as you are on the battlefield!

I think a few small changes on this piece would make it even better. Johnny Blood is coming to visit you soon.

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3604648

Review of IT'S STILL

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Showering Acts of Joy Review

by Mandy
For the premise of this group’s activity, please see:
"Showering Acts of Joy Group"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings Itchy Water~fictionandverse

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
I thought I would take a stroll through the Garden, and while I was there I saw that Deanna was enjoying the sunshine with a whole bunch of other flowers. I was compelled to pick one.

OVERALL SENSE:
I love poetry that makes me nostalgic about experiences in my own life. Your poem does this simply by evoking those pretty images of a night spent beneath the stars, enjoying the beauty of the moon, the breeze, and the vast space above. There is something magical about the milky sphere, and it's easy to get lost in the heavens while experiencing it. Everything else fades into nothingness when the enormity of nature is the focus, and it does have a calming effect on the mind, body and soul. What you are describing, so eloquently, is a rendezvous with the moon and stars. They are personalities that have charm and cheekiness, and it seems like the night is shared, even though the narrator is alone. It's as if the night is an escape from the mundane and less than ideal elements of life, and enjoyment is being found in freedom from the daily constraints.

CONVENTIONS:
What a sweet free verse you have created. The strongest point for me in this poem is the visual quality. I had clear images of everything you described, and they were all pleasant and vivid. You manage to engage the senses, and even sound is added to experience when you describe the cars on a distant highway. That is a effective method of giving a sense of seclusion, and this adds to the harmonious tone that you've set. The moon and stars become sensual beings that want to interact and play. You have personified them to the point where there are three characters at play, not just one.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
These areas look great! Also, the way that you've punctuated is perfect. It sets the pace and creates pause exactly where you intended it to, slowing down the read, and adding to that quality of calm. There is just one spot that I thought you might add a comma. I found it a little bit confusing on the initial read. It was a first impression, and it is the only thing that created a pause that you didn't dictate. In the following:
"So much happening beneath it
but not here. It's still."
I thought you might add a comma after 'it.'

FAVOURITE LINES:
I love the following lines:
"A star winking at me.
Every night a few come out to flirt."
What a sublime description. Flirting is the perfect way to describe the playful liveliness of stars as they twinkle above. I love the personification, but this is a choice example.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Only the one suggestion for punctuation. Other than that, I would say this poem is complete!

CONCLUSION:
Thank you for sharing a spellbinding poem with me, Deanna. I will be back to enjoy more of your poetry!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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131

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14 days may be credited.

#3604574

Review of Alive

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A Cupid's Bow Review

by Mandy
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

You are my reviewing buddy for October!

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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings warriormom

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
Hi Pat! I decided it was time to drop by the port of my reviewing buddy, and see what gems I could find. There is definitely no shortage of material to choose from, and I decided to visit something with a more personal nature.

OVERALL SENSE:
You have such an impressive list of poems in your port, but I decided to settle on "Alive" because it reflects a personal experience that is both emotional and something that I can relate to. Depression is probably one of the hardest conditions to experience, and anyone who has experienced it knows how difficult it can be to deal with on a day-to-day basis. What I like the most about your poem is the way you have given it a joyful feel -- it's in the way you translate the honest emotion of happiness -- and it is exactly the feeling that awaits a person who has been under the cloud of depression. You speak of the new-found appreciation one has for just feeling normal, and how every little thing in life feels like a gift that is so special just because it isn't covered with darkness. I could almost feel the ecstasy you were portraying, and the sensation of freedom and breaking free of restraints.

CONVENTIONS:
The beauty of this free verse in its simplicity. A poem that is written in plain statement can be just as effective as one that is overflowing with figurative language if it is based on emotion and honesty. This one translates so well, and you give a conspirator's wink to anyone that understands the process of this ailment. I call it this because there really isn't a better way to describe something that you can't see but still affects the health in such a detrimental way. Not everyone can write free-verse, well, but you do the form justice, and I can appreciate the skill that you have applied to create an easy flow.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
As usual, Pat, no mistakes here. You make your poetry a pleasure to read in every way, and these areas are no exception.

FAVOURITE LINES:
"The rain splashes down over my hair, face,
and outstretched arms. It washes over me,"
This is where you express the joy and freedom of escaping the shroud of depression.

"I celebrate the joy of feeling life again,
the numbness of depression finally lifting."
Coming out of an emotional ebb really does feel like being revived from a near-death experience, and there is no doubt that there aren't many feelings better.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I can't think of anything you need do to improve upon this piece. The reality shines through and makes it a special poem.

CONCLUSION:
Iam a fan of your open, honest poetry, Pat. Thank you for sharing your work with me, and everyone else who gets to enjoy it!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

132

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14 days may be credited.

#3604538

Review of 'It'

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Invalid Item"

by Mandy
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

You are my October reviewing buddy!

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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings Sum1

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
Hi Jim! I've been meaning to visit your poetry for a while now, so I was pleased to get this opportunity. Not only are you my reviewing buddy for the month of October, but you have given me some thoughtful reviews recently that deserve reciprocation! Also, in the spirit of Halloween, I'm feeling inspired by all things of the creepy persuasion.

OVERALL SENSE:
I found this dark, whimsical and interesting. I enjoy anything that might be classified as Supernatural or fantasy-based, and that's exactly what you've delivered. You have proven the age-old sentiment, 'love conquers all,' even a curse that turns an unsuspecting bloke into a smelly 'it!' We have a disgruntled witch that eagerly casts a spell on this lonely soul, and with a wave of her wand the victim is helpless to do anything other than wait it out with revenge in his heart. I did expect to see him free of the spell, but I couldn't forsee the ending of true love borne of hate and revenge. With Cinderella now expected to get a day job, why can't the modern love story start with a warty witch and a smelly 'it?' It's not until the end of the poem that you describe the way that inner beauty shines through, transforming the hideous witch into a beautiful woman.

CONVENTIONS:
I've spent a bit of time with your poetry, Jim, and I can appreciate the time and effort you put into your craft. Your preference is obviously for rhythm and rhyme, and these are the dominating conventions in "'It'" . You've done an excellent job on both, but there might be some lines that could use tweaking to improve the flow. I understand that your main concern is the meaning and delivery, so how you choose to tweak your work is up to you. This is a rhyming free verse, so go ahead and take poetic license! You've injected some nice figuative language into this piece, and I will mention these areas below in my favourite lines. The way you describe 'it' and the surrounds is very colourful, and paints a great picture. I'm sure you put a lot of time into this one.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
These areas look great!

FAVOURITE LINES:
A few gems:
"It sat there waiting, silent, deadly, dangerous, but unseen
The bulky massive shape shimmered with a dark sickening sheen
It had a simple goal in mind, one every living creature knows
Survival plain and simple, just what one would suppose"
I really enjoyed the opening lines. I was drawn to continue reading, and was interested in the resolution. You set the tone straight away, and the descriptions are packed with imagery.

"With the spell in place, it found there were special powers
Held tenderly in his grasp, like precious summer flowers"
This kind of figurative language enriches a poem, and is what makes it quality.

"It would send her to a wilderness, of timeless winter’s cold
A place that would keep her, like lamb’s kept in their fold"
Another example of creating a picture with words. I love the first line -- it makes one think of an icy country, barren and of another world. Again, you've crafted another great simile.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I would suggest is the same thing I would suggest to anyone who writes poetry, and I take this advice myself on a regular basis. Reread your poems every now and again, and you might find something that doesn't work as you might have originally thought. Whether it be in the rhythm and rhyme, or maybe your word choice. Other than that, I have no suggestions for improvement.

CONCLUSION:
Thank you for sharing your passion, Jim. I'm glad I got the opportunity to review your poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. By the way, I love the new handle -- it's particularly spooky!!!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

133

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14 days may be credited.

#3594787

Review of Baby Powder

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Bikerider

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I don't think there are many things in life that are more important than the birth of a new baby. There are so many expectations and hopes for this new life, and when the day finally comes to meet the tiny bundle, emotions are high. The love and relief in finally receiving a child is nothing short of overwhelming, and you definitely show how deep these feelings are. Everything about this baby seems so heavenly in its perfection, and your depth of love shines through.

CONVENTIONS:
The beauty of this poem is in the honest recount of the feelings one experiences in the presence of a new baby. As you mention at the bottom of this piece, it was written after meeting your grandaughter for the first time, and I have no doubt that emotions were high and you've just let them flow into words.
The two dominant conventions here are your rhythm and rhyme. For the most part, you have done a good job with the rhythm, but there are some places where the lines are out of beat. Reading a poem out loud sometimes helps to find these spots. Also, the rhyme pattern doesn't seem to have any set style. It seemed to vary in the different stanzas, and had no real continuity, although this didn't alter the quality of the poem, or the nice flow that you have created. The star here is the imagery. I had a vision of a beautiful baby girl, soft and scented, and surrounded by loved ones.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Overall I think this a beautiful, heartfelt poem, but perhaps a slight tweak to the rhythm could improve it in places. Other than that, I see nothing that could be improved upon.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"A dusty mark where you had been,

like a fairy brushing by."
This is a nice simile, and it gives the sense of how gentle and soft the touch of a baby is.

"You're not aware of the heart you took,

but now it's with you everywhere."
The depth of adoration is obvious in this poem, and it's true that a baby is beloved from its first day of life. Giving the heart is unconditional.

Thank you for sharing a personal experience, and an emotive poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3594739

Review of Forecast: Memories

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
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Greetings, Jeff

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Childhood memories are no doubt some of the strongest and most meaningful. They are the ones that affect us the most and provide us with experiences that we pass on to our own children. This winter's day is easy to envision in all its glory, and the camaraderie of children as they play together is the all-consuming sense that I take from this poem. Family is the core of this Sestina, and the format is as tightly woven as the bonds that are obviously shared by your family. I'm sure this would be a typical winter's day in parts of the world that experience snow, but the memories that are taken away are unique to each person.

CONVENTIONS:
The Sestina is a particularly stylish form of poetry, and your free verse version is well-delivered. The level of difficulty comes from the repetition of the end-rhyme, but you have mastered this with an easy flow, good word choices, and the use of enjambment. There is an easy flow that is enhanced by nice descriptive language, and a good handle on the rhythm and rhyme. All six are tied up nicely in the final tercet. Often times there is an element of this form that is deviated from, but you have adhered to it perfectly. There are some great instances of alliteration and personification, and overall you've done a great job.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look good, but there was one word that seemed out of context. In the following:

And so it begins, slate skies above cold,
reluctantly loose the first crystals of snow.
In the second line -- 'loose' doesn't work if you mean it to be a verb. I wonder if you meant 'lose' or 'loosen.' If you are using 'loose' as an adjective, then you need a comma after 'loose' for clarity.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Only the suggestion as noted above.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Winter skies leaden, are pregnant with snow.
Like leaves before, the flakes gently fall."
The first of the above lines is my favourite within the poem. I love how you personify the winter sky, and give her a full belly of ice. This is such great imagery.

"Grumbles greet parents, though grace doesn't fall
certain our fun will dissolve with the sun."
A great example of nice alliteration. Using the growling 'g' sound is perfect to emphasise the disgruntled mood.

"The magic of new fallen snow, flakes caught on our tongues as they fall,
The worn, red faces of siblings, ablaze in the day's failing light.
We return with the evening sun, Mom's cocoa warms us from the cold."
This piece is all about engaging the senses, but in this final tercet there is not only the burn of the cold and the sensation of the snow, but also the taste of hot cocoa.

I always appreciate the opportunity to review great poetry such as yours, and I thank you for creating a wonderful poem. I look forward to visiting your port again in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3581725

Review of In His Eyes

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
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Greetings, The Huntress ~ Finding Love

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a true ode to a lover. However, it doesn't seem to be based on passion or lust, but more on the true core of love. The narrator is sharing her innermost feelings, and it is obvious that her world revolves around this man. There is a tone of desperation and angst, but also, a tone of surrender to the inevitability of her fate as it might be deemed by her love. It's in the way she talks about living for him. There is a fragility to her desire that shows she is at the mercy of reciprocation. I agree one hundred percent with your sentiments of love being powerful and encompassing, and you describe how it takes control of a person, to perfection.

CONVENTIONS:
Good rhythm and rhyme aren't always that easy to achieve, but you have managed nicely in this poem. Both things create a seamless flow, and your rhyme is excellent. The stand-out for me is your use of enjambment -- the way your lines flow into each other -- and merge into one soul-song of emotion. Your descriptive language is gentle, and reflects the tone of a poem that is all about the emotional depth. I enjoyed the imagery that came with some of your lovely descriptions. In the following:

"To watch his smile is to see the sun
reflect off pools of untouched morning dew"
Again, this shows the intensity of the adoration that is felt.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions for improvement on this piece. Great job!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"I would give my life to hear him whisper
to me in the velvet night
His arms around me warm and sweet
to hold us sewn together tight"

This stanza gives a strong sense of the depth of passion and love that exists in this relationship. I love the line: "to hold us sewn together tight." It describes a union of body and spirit, and holds a lovely sentiment of togetherness.

Thank you for sharing an emotion-filled poem with me. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3575542

Review of Love's Touch

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Greetings 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷
This review is a part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:

When I saw your contribution the this wonderful campfire, I felt compelled to review this poem, Carol. Not only is it of a high quality, but it is also very touching.

OVERALL SENSE:

A bitter-sweet ode to lost love. To lose someone who is the center of your universe is no doubt one of the hardest things to experience in life, and your portrayal of this is honest and heartfelt. Every little touch speaks of heartbreak, and the achy feeling that comes with a memory of someone lost, flows from the narrator. Her lingering attachment to memories and possessions shows the depth of her torment, and the way she clings to these things is sad and sweet at the same time. Reality seems to be the demon that is a part of every day, as is the belief that life will go on, and love will conquer. The strongest sense is that though the flesh is lost, the spirit will be a constant. Beautiful poem, Carol. I truly love it, and give you credit for putting more of the wonderful person you are into words.

CONVENTIONS:

What beautiful rhythm and rhyme! You are a clever chook.

This piece has a seamless flow, and I enjoyed your rhyme scheme, all in rhyming couplets. The way you have given each stanza its own rhyme pattern works a treat, and in all, you have delivered. Your descriptive language is lovely, and it creates such great imagery. The strongest for me is the image of the narrator donning the garments of her lost love. There is a depth of longing to the act -- and it is easy to feel the pang of sorrow that comes with this ritual. You have used nice figurative language, and I love the reference -- "With my bare hand, stroke gently the wings of the dove." With the dove being a symbol for spirit, this is a beautiful way to describe the feeling of being close to a loved one.

FAVOURITE LINES:

"A walk in the morn, donning your coat and your glove,
With my bare hand, stroke gently the wings of the dove."
My favourites are definitely in the above. As I mentioned, I love the imagery and emotion that comes with the act of donning the coat and gloves.

"Deep breath. You're here. The fearsome demons must cower.
Together we'll walk 'long Heaven's shore this hour."
This is a moment in itself. The narrator is comforting herself with a gentle reminder that her loved one is still with her, and that spirit is eternal.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

These areas look great.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I think you have crafted something beautiful with this poem. It's personal, emotion-filled, and going on my favourites list!

CONCLUSION:

Thank you for sharing with me, Carol. I always feel privileged to be able to call you a friend, but having the opportunity to enjoy your talent is a privilege as well. Your talent speaks for itself.

Regards,
Mandy

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Group leader of The Poetry Contest Corner, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

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#3574160

Review of Mowed Lawn

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Somehow you have given grass feelings and a longing for life. The way you have described the green cells, and the joyous stretch for sunlight, humanises the green hero, and turns the narrator into a beastly mower-man!

There has to be something said for inspiring sympathy for a blade of grass, and you managed it. The senses are engaged fully; the touch of the moist, cut grass, the scent of fuel mingled with lawn, the sound of the mower growling. All of these things are incoorporated in this piece. Let's not forget the sense of satisfaction that the narrator has as he stands back and inspects his accomplishment, revelling in a job well done.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a fine example of a free-verse poem, and I enjoyed the easy flow and clear imagery that transported me to a buzzing summer's day where the hum of a mower is only rivalled by the fresh scent of cut grass. Great visuals! This poem can be taken at face value, or it can be interpreted with alternate meaning. The grass becomes a metaphor, and like people, is at the mercy of constraints that are inflicted by others. The stronger and more powerful will always reign supreme, and today, the mower has the last laugh!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could see no faults in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I would suggest -- and this is only my opinion -- is that you might consider tweaking your first stanza. This is a quality poem with originality and clever content, but I think the first stanza is the most important because it is what will draw a reader to continue. The use of enjambment breaks the flow between the second and third lines, and it tends to create pause. I would only suggest you look at the wording.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"Where once green spires stretched
in individual glory, celebrating
uniqueness, now there remains the
uniformity of carpeting,
cut short by hard steel blade,
and left to languish."
It is here that it seems as if you are talking about human-kind, as much as the grass. Just like the grass that is perfectly happy doing its own thing, and flourishing in freedom, people are also forced to conform to what others deem is appropriate, aesthetically pleasing, or expected. There is a strong comparison here, that works on different levels with alternate meaning.

"The kids spring forth from behind me.
Death and satisfaction
in the form of settling blades
cloak the mantle
of these arms."
You have given a good dose of literal irony here, intermingling death and satisfaction. These are two things that would normally speak of ruthlessness, and you manage to sell that angle by inspiring sympathy for those poor blades of grass ... big sigh.

I enjoyed your interesting angle on cutting the grass! Thank you for sharing your work with me.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3574117

Review of THE BARDS CONVENTION

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
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by Mandy

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Greetings, DRSmith

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there! Where to start?! This poem is the poem to end all poems, and I mean that in the best possible way. I am always flawed by your skill as a poet, but this is simply extraordinary. You have created a poem containing fifty-seven stanzas, and that is nothing to be sneezed at! There is one thing I'd like to know; how do I get an invite to this party?

This Bard's convention is a delightful tale, and I felt teased by the idea that this collection of greats were evaluating the quality of the clueless wanna-bes. Arrogance abounds from these wordsmiths that have achieved a God-like status to the writer's who strive to gain a little bit of their timeless talent. It seems that the deceased scribes are having a grand, old time perusing the sub-standard material that has been inflicted upon them, and they are only taking solace in the alcoholic beverages. Perhaps they need it to endure the chore of judging. The idea within this piece is so original, and executed with the finesse that one would expect from a Bard.

There is so much content here that I think I would have to read and reread to really grasp every reference, and fully enjoy the skill applied. There is colour, sound, and a festive flair that is only outweighed by characterisation. Put these bards on stage and guarantee an audience! They are the inspiration; the muse's that provoke literary experimentation, and they are having a great time dismissing the experiments.

CONVENTIONS:
This style of poetry is my preference, and nothing is sweeter than a poem that has rhythm, rhyme, and an easy flow that makes for pleasurable reading. You seem to be a master at all of these elements, and I give you credit for predictability in these areas. Maintaining perfect end-rhymes in a poem of this length isn't easy, and let's not forget the internal rhyme. Every line is full of reference, and such colourful descriptive language that I'm left with nothing but praise for the delivery. The references to these wonderful poets abound, and I particularly like the injection of 'Poe,' and 'The Raven.' As always, the alliteration and assonance saturates the piece, and there is a jaunty, sing-song quality that reverberates with the reader. What more can I say? Another stroke of genius!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This one I'm leaving to the Bards. They can do their darndest! In a poem of this length I prefer to trust that you are just as skilled at spelling and grammar as you are at poetry. From experience I've found this to be the case!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have no suggestions for improvement on this one. Ask Poe what he thinks.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
This is the definition of unfair -- c'mon!!

"Twixt Aiken and Bacon stood four-footer Pope,
'side Binyon and Bunyon, Lord Byron, and Hope.
There's Wentworth and Woodworth and Francis Scott Key.
Two Taylors, three Brontes— all sisters, you see;
relating, debating while sipping their tea.
Not only a list, but a poetic symphony of souls, recounted in flawless rhyme. The imagery of this throng of writers enjoying their refreshments and banter is priceless.

“I truly detest such gibberish scat,
‘tis purely a wearisome waste of our time.
Piles of piffle they toss in my lap,
yea nary a rhythm, no reason, or rhyme.
This is where 'toffee-nose' is given new meaning, but who can argue that they've earned it! I do believe these past poets are thumbing their noses at us! .

"There's nothing left for bards to chase, the prize they sought is won.
It’s back to crypts perusing scripts, our pumpkin hour has come."
I am a big fan of these lines. I love the internal rhyme, the image of the poets reading scripts, and the reference to the pumpkin-hour, when everything must return to normal.

I love your work!

Thanks for sharing you craft with me. I look forward to next time!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3574082

Review of Fountain of Youth

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
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by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, fyn

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Yes, just like fairies, goblins, and all other enchanted folk

, the idea that these wonder-tonics and magical balms can turn back the hands of time is equally fantastical. You describe the belief in these promises of youth restored as a 'mythical call,' and that is a perfect description. It is easy to play on the desire that many people have to return to the days of smooth skin and firm buttocks! Unfortunately, a little tub of gunk isn't going to equal a makeover gifted by the Gods. With the price of these fandangled potions, it is more likely to take half a weekly pay-check. You make the point that more time should be spent enjoying the sweeter things in life, such as family and relationships. This poem speaks of the age old sentiment: Grow old gracefully! Doing it with the ones you love is an added bonus.

CONVENTIONS:
This poem is based on literal language, but you have used the metaphor to perfection, particularly in one instance that I will mention below. It has an excellent rhythm, and your end-rhymes are very smooth. The theme you use is well-told, but everything can be told in a new way, and you've achieved that here. The way you change the tempo in the second and third stanzas works well, and it has an instant, serious edge to it. It's as if the narrator is scolding anyone silly enough to believe the hype.
A great metaphor is in the following:
"There's no character to an empty plate."
This is where you describe a lack of lines, or signs of aging, as a lack of emotion and humor in life. The 'character' is the lines, and the empty plate, a life with no meaning. Great example!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I saw no errors in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have no suggestions to improve on this piece. Everything works well.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"The media world would have us believe
in all of their ads and fol-de-rol
that make-up and hair color and wrinkle eraser
will have us heeding the mythical call"

I like the reference to the 'mythical call.' You offer another perspective that some people embrace, while others choose to continue striving for the unattainable.

"Laughter lines bespeak of humor.
There's no character to an empty plate.
Memories are formed from life well lived
and finally I point to that wondrous gate."

Again, I love the use of figurative language here. You end on a nice note -- with a reminder of the bigger picture -- and a reminder to look past the skin-deep, superficial aspects of life, to the deeper meaning.

I thoroughly enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing it with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3568629

Review of A Magic Lamp

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
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by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, Liam

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi Liam! Firstly, I have to say that it is an honour to review quality poetry such as yours. I really like what you have done with it, and I would like to offer my own interpretation of your words. Emphasis on 'my.'

It might not be the right one, but I think the beauty of poetry is that it can be deciphered in different ways, and have alternate meaning for those who read it. With all of the talk of the end of the world, and the coming of the Lord, this poem seems quite fitting. The tone is one of hope for mankind, a hope that the light, or the spirit of God, will cast its glow over the 'sinners' and cleanse them, giving way to a new exisistence of eternal peace. I like the way you label people as the "discontented deserts" that are covered with snow, or perhaps a shroud of ignorance. You tell a story where the Lord's spirit will penetrate what we have come to know as our reality, and bring a new existence. There is so much symbolism in your descriptions, and every bit has a deeper meaning.

CONVENTIONS:
Where to start?! You can hang your hat on your ability as sonnet- extraordinaire! The form is just about faultless -- and your even flow is impeccable. Not only have your adhered to the seamless rhythm that is an integral part of a good sonnet, but you have incoorporated it with so many other elements that make for an A-grade poem. One of the strongest elements here is your use of the metaphor. Wow! I am tempted to make a tally, but I won't go that far!
Just one example:

"Through fertile land revealed beneath the melt
A mighty river now begins to flow."
What a way to describe this rebirth. I like the visual quality that you have weaved into each line of description. Nature is the dominant image here -- the vivid desert, the pristine snow -- and of course the image of that lush and bountiful garden, finishes the poem perfectly.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I'm afraid I could find no faults in these areas! Everything looks peachy.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Your form is near perfect, and your play on words, a real treat. I only noticed one small error in your meter that I'm guessing you overlooked.
In the following:

"And cuts through pregnant soil like a knife."
This one line is missing a syllable.

FAVOURITE LINES:(S)

"In waves of heat its radiance is felt
On discontented deserts white with snow."
It is the use of the metaphor that is so strong throughout this piece, and these lines are yet another example of its execution. The idea that the heat from this 'lamp' is thawing the dark blanket that shrouds mankind, is brilliant.

"Yet in the spot it forced the earth to bleed
A garden now emerges filled with life."
Again, the figurative language is given in admirable helpings, but it is also the imagery of the new Eden that is blooming from the gift of blood -- not only lush with nature, but also, the redeemed.

Liam, this is another example of your levels of skill for writing poetry. I look forward to reading more of your craft in the future. Thank you so much for sharing with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

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#3565113

Review of An Old Age Sonnet

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, Barnaby Aloysius

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
A poem aimed at grumpy old people ... hmm

It sounds like you have experienced this phenomena first-hand! Is this an ode to the relatives? I like the way you question the emotional process of aging, and the associated feelings of relinquishing that zest for life. It's in the latter stages of life that people seem to give in to the effects of aging; because they no longer have the means or the inclination to do the things that once gave them purpose. I think you seem to be asking why that has to be the case; and offering the alternative, which is to focus on the highlights of their life and continue to make more, instead of conceding defeat.

CONVENTIONS:
You have tackled a structured form, and for the most part you have adhered to it. An important facet of the sonnet is maintaining the correct syllable count through all fourteen lines. Not all sonnets contain lines of decasyllables, but this is the more common syllable count, and even sonnets with varying syllable counts should be consistent throughout. I noticed that your lines varied, where they should have had ten per line. Your end-rhyme is flawless and natural, and there is only one instance where it doesn't quite work. 'Lost' and 'mist' don't quite work. You have excelled with your use of figurative language, and your use of the metaphor creates such great imagery!
Examples of your excellence:

"a raging storm to sink a youthful fleet."
It is here that you name to the ravages of time a 'raging storm,' and describe how life's twists and turns can take the joy out of living. Great metaphoric language.

"and recall your life’s poem verse by verse;"
What a great way of describing the chapters of life.
Your real strength lies in your ability for creating tangible images with descriptive language. You definitely have a flair for poetry!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great, but there were a couple of punctuation bugs. In the following:

"Think not of age as a cruel brigands curse" AND

"raise your eyes, look upon horizons sky"
"brigands" and "horizons" need apostrophes because they are possessive.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would only suggest that you look at the metrical structure of your poem so that it conforms more to the form of a sonnet. Other than that I think you have done a great job on all other aspects of this piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"Confounded eyes reflect hues of colour lost
bent ever downward to ponder weary feet,
shuffling a path through a reproachful mist;
a raging storm to sink a youthful fleet."

In a poem focused on grumpy, old people

, you have given a popular portrayal of the stigma that is attached to this age-bracket. There is the sense of giving up and focusing on times past, while allowing these things to completely squash the inner-child.

Barnaby, once again you have created a visual piece that I enjoyed reviewing. Thank you so much for sharing your craft with me.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3557756

Review of Bluetooth Blues

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A Miss Bee Review

This review is a part of the package you received from "Invalid Item" ! Congratulations!

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:

Hi Carol! I found this short story to be a pleasant surprise. Not because I doubt your ability as a writer, but because of the target audience it was written for. I found myself interested from beginning to end, regardless of the subject matter of this teenage tale. It's an excellent and entertaining story. We have your typical luckless geek that's in the midst of puberty, and worse still, a phase of unrequited 'love.' His obvious ardor pays homage to those feelings of the desperate angst that teenagers are so privy to. Poor Christopher is pining for the vivacious Roxanne, and his attempt to win her is entertaining, if nothing else. I found it hard to feel sorry for Christopher, because he was just as oblivious to his secret admirer, as Roxanne is oblivious to him! When passions are firing, there is only one way to douse the flames, and mouse-like Lydia just doesn't make the cut.

OPENING PARAGRAPH:

I was hooked from the first sequence. You drew me into the character's world, and his feelings of longing and embarrassment are described to perfection. It wasn't hard to imagine this boy perched on his chair with a flaming face. You give so much description here, and the way you have done it is almost poetic. So concise yet artistically woven.

PACING AND DESCRIPTION:

These areas are perfection! As I mentioned above, your descriptions are so strong, and they create images of every character, and their environments. What I like is how you give such detailed description of the characters, and it is interjected into the story seamlessly. It never feels like you are spoon-feeding the details.
DIALOGUE:

What can I say? It's natural and believable, and not once did I question the flow of the interaction between any of the characters. Each one has their own voice that is unique and character-building. Christopher's friend is perfectly obnoxious, Roxanne is completely self-absorbed, and Lydia is simply sweet and unassuming. Of course she is! What other choice do the 'nerds' have!? Although Christopher is just plain snide at times, so I guess he has given himself the choice!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

No faults to be found in these areas. Wow! You are clever.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

If there was one area that I thought could use some clarity, it was within a section of the dialogue. It is when Christopher decides to use the bluetooth to aid in his romantic pursuits. It is at the point when he enters into conversation with Roxanne, and the romantic engineer. I did find I was questioning who was talking to who at different points. I don't know if you would want to add a small helping of speech tags to improve the clarity, or simply break up the flow of the dialogue with a little information to help the reader along.
I found it a bit confusing between the following pieces of dialogue:

"Bluebird."

"Where?"

and

"Okay."

"What?"

It's this dialogue and the dialogue in between where I found I had to re-read to ascertain the full meaning. I think it's because it's a three-way conversation, and it isn't always clear who is doing the talking. After this section, the dialogue flowed perfectly, and there was no question about who was doing the talking.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

Where to start?? I have selected just a couple of my favourite lines.

"He snatched up his textbook and hid his flaming face in marching triangles and parading parallelograms. The delicate scent of lilac wafted across him as she flounced to her seat and beamed at her friend, Lydia. He scowled in annoyance as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of the lovely Roxanne, and he squirmed in his seat, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of her cat-like beauty. Her eyes glanced his way, and his heart quickened."

I couldn't leave any of this out! What perfect descriptions you give in this opening sequence. This hooked me, without a doubt, and I couldn't have left the story until I finished.

"Then why do you look like a red dwarf about to go supernova? She's on the cheerleading squad, you nerd. She's more likely to notice a cockroach than guys like us."

The above lines are just one example of your sublime descriptive language. I could feel Christopher's pain!

"Christopher picked at the pimple on his nose and pondered what to do. He had his dad's credit card for emergencies. If the state of his love life didn't constitute an emergency, what did?"

This is plain funny. Christopher picks his pimple while contemplating dad's credit card. His thoughts are so typical of a selfish teen. Great job!

Carol, you and Max have done a brilliant job with this story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3556450

Review of Road-Kill Crow

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Rising Stars Review

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
What I enjoyed the most about this poem was the way that you captured the essence of the crow. You have described it perfectly. They truly are opportunistic scavengers of the road, and your use of language is nothing short of artful as you epitomise these desert stragglers. Images flowed with every line, and the cheeky countenance of this feathered 'diner' is so dominant that there can be little sympathy as he lies on the highway in his last moments, lamenting his undernourished state. There is something creepy about these scavenging birds, in the way they show little fear for anyone or anything, and you portray this trait perfectly. Great job!

CONVENTIONS:
This poem is so rich with figurative language. Your use of rhythm and rhyme are excellent, and I think your choice to omit punctuation works well.
The road-kill is described in rich metaphor as fast-food that is available from the 'concrete road diner.' I think the biggest strength in this poem is your use of descriptive language.
Wonderful descriptions in the following:

"A taste of misfortune stuck in his throat"

How does misfortune taste? I have no idea, but I got a sense of it from this wonderful description, and it enhanced the hapless existence of this creature.

"He defiantly gestures to each passerby"

Again, this gives a fitting character-profile of these birds, and the cocky resilience that seems to leak out of them.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There was only one thing I noted in the sub-heading, and the first stanza. In the following:

"The road kill crow keeps his eye on the road"
'road kill' should be hyphenated.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Only what I mentioned above. Otherwise, I can find no fault with this piece!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The road kill crow keeps his eye on the road
As he picks over lunch with his friend,
A taste of misfortune stuck in his throat
While he struts in the dry desert wind"

Great rhythm and imagery in this stanza! Your descriptive language here is excellent, and it invokes strong images of the environment, and it's ebony crusaders.

"One has to be quick he sneers to his chum
For the road rewards only the clever
Disaster assaults any weakness it finds
And remorse then will linger forever"

There is a strong sense of irony in these lines. It is in the way the crow 'sneers' at his 'chum', and I just know he would quickly feast on his friend's flesh if the opportunity presented itself.

Thank you for sharing an original poem with me. I enjoyed the opportunity to review your craft!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3555453

Review of Absence of Time

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: E

A Rising Stars Member to Member Review!

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
In every sense other than literal, this poem is the beach. I could see every crash of the waves; the silty sand as the white foam rushes over it, the perfect clear skies above. The feeling of harmony and peace that you express is easy to relate to. I could feel the depth of relaxation that you were trying to impress upon the reader, and you speak of an almost out-of-body experience where there isn't anything other than your environment, and that sense of 'now,' where everything else seems to slip into insignificance. I thoroughly enjoyed this delightfully dreamy poem, Pat. You took me to another place.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a great example of a quality free-verse poem. It flows as languidly as the waves that you are describing in its structure. Your use of enjambment enhances the seamless feel, and your descriptive language is a real treat. It invokes the senses. Your strong vocabulary enhances this poem, and the little touches of alliteration are an added bonus.

Examples of where you have done this are in the following:

"Serenity is mine as I breathe in
the ocean air and taste the salty flavor of the absence of time."

"Once more I feel the yielding sand between my toes."

Just a couple of instances where you took me with you on a lovely trip in nature. All of these experiences are so deeply ingrained in my memory that your descriptions engaged my senses.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
No faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have no suggestions for this poem. I like every bit of it.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"My heartbeat slows in response to the
water's ebb and flow, and my mind no longer races through thoughts
of what will or will not be."

I could really relate to these lines. The beach has exactly the same affect on me, and I could feel the sense of calm that you were trying to portray.

"Sweet ocean, I will return to drink of your powerful potion. . ."

Great way to end a beautiful poem! What an apt description of the ocean's magic. Using a nice touch of alliteration you describe the almost hypnotic allure of this natural wonder.

Pat, I always appreciate the opportunity to review your work, and I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you so much for sharing your work with me. I look forward to next time!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3553794

Review of The Key To Her Joy

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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Greetings, warriormom

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a sad story about how someone chooses to deal with their emotional problems. I could feel the depth of compassion that came from the narrator, but can only imagine what it would be like to suffer this problem, or be close to someone who is plagued with this affliction. You tell of a person who is gaining some sort of emotional relief from self-harm; using it to cover up their true feelings. It seems that she shows one face to the people in her life, and another behind closed doors. The dominant tone is one of pain, although you do manage to end the poem on a hopeful note.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a great rhyming free-verse, and I enjoyed the subject matter. You have used some nice figurative language. The way you use a 'key' as a metaphor for her emotions is a nice touch, and it's a powerful way of showing how deeply ingrained these wounds are, and how tightly she is holding onto them. Your rhymes are excellent and have an easy flow, but I did find the rhythm to be a little bit off. I will mention this below. You have added a nice touch of personification, and the easy, rolling quality you have created with your use of enjambment makes the reading seamless.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I don't see any faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing I would suggest is that you take a look at your rhythm. I found it was a little off in some areas, and all it needs is a slight tweaking.
I would like to give you an example with one of your stanzas, but bear in mind it is merely a suggestion.
In the following:

"Her heart is full of ugly black secrets;
laughter covers them as a drape.
Her tears are under lock and key;
she dare not let them escape."

A suggestion:

Her heart is full of ugly black secrets;
Laughter covers them as a drape.
Her tears are under lock and key;
she dare not let this hurt escape."

This last line needed an extra syllable to make it flow with the rest of the stanza. Sometimes when I go back over my poetry and read it out loud, I can see where the rhythm doesn't quite work. This is what I would suggest you do with this poem, Pat. It is a great poem, and I think you can only make it better by addressing the rhythm.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Her heart is full of ugly black secrets;
laughter covers them as a drape.
Her tears are under lock and key;
she dare not let them escape."

This would have to be my favourite stanza within the piece. I like your use of personification in the second line, where you humanise laughter. This is also a great simile.

Pat, this is an emotion-filled poem, and I thank you for sharing it with me. I'm looking forward to reading more of your creations in the future.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3552872

Review of Times, They Are A-Changin'

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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Greetings, Winnie Kay

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
What you have created is a poem that focuses on the view-point of a more conservative type of lady. She is obviously of a generation that believes in presenting themselves a certain way in public, and more to the point, in church! She is shocked and appalled at the dress-sense of these unconventional believers, and I found her reaction to them to be quite amusing. I could picture this lady quite clearly in my mind; her starched frock, the Sunday hat, but mainly, her carriage. I believe she would have a very refined air to her as she surveys the unruly youths that have come to share her faith. The best part of this poem is the imagery. I was with you every step of the way, and I related to this lady and her mannerisms. This is exactly how I remember my nana! She would have been right beside this lady at the pew. I did like how you finished the poem with a note of unity. The tone was of acceptance, regardless of any other factors.

CONVENTIONS:
I like this form of poetry. It has a great rhyme scheme, and the way you execute it is very clever. Everything is tied up in a neat bundle, and your rhythm is perfection. This is a fantastic story, packed with imagery and choice descriptive language. The touches of alliteration and assonance give this piece an easy, roll-off-the-tongue quality. One line flows into the next where you have used enjambment, and the end-rhymes are easy, without ever seeming calculated. Creating end-rhyme that isn't forced is a skill in itself, and you have managed to do it convincingly -- this is aided by what is obviously a strong vocabulary.
Just one example of your use of alliteration and assonance:

"There’s scores of souls in ghastly clothes."
The repetition of the 's' and 'o' sounds, dominate this line.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas, and your use of punctuation creates a great flow, and sets the pace at every turn. The way you place your periods in the second stanza forces a great rhythmic beat. Great work!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is a perfectly well-rounded poem that is a delight to absorb. I fail to see how you could make it any better.

I only have one small suggestion (empahsis on suggestion.) I always think a title is very important to the piece you are writing about. Although I see why you have titled your poem so, I tend to think a cliche doesn't do justice to the originality of your piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"I don my hat and gloves and hose
To venture out and take repose
In Sunday praise. But wait – Oh my!
There’s scores of souls in ghastly clothes."

I could just quote the whole poem, but that would be the lazy way! I have settled on the first stanza simply because of the imagery that comes with it. That first line has some nice alliteration, and it is very catchy.

This is a very smooth form, and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I look forward to reading more of your creations in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3550179

Review of MY "TO DO" LIST (Seussically speakink!)

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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Greetings, 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
When I saw the reference to 'Seuss' in the sub-heading, my interest was instantly piqued! This master of rhythm, rhyme, and general nonsense would be proud of the 'Carol version' of his method.

This is a perfect example of having too many jobs to do, and not enough hours of daylight to do them in. The way you've formatted 'To do' suits the subject matter, and I felt the hectic, frazzled state that you were reliving when you wrote it. Your list tells a visual story, and I could see this day laid out in a series of events. I was left wondering where the slot for sleep was allocated! You have crafted a relatable piece that is a large slice of reality, and it translates into a fun tale. Feed your muse some chocolate and see what else the two of you can come up with! How presumptuous of me! Is it a she or a he?

CONVENTIONS:
You have done a great job on the rhythm and rhyme of this piece, and it bounces along well. It has a quick pace that creates great flow, and the short, tight lines are quite seusstastic! Alhough this piece isn't overflowing with a bounty of metaphors, it works on entertainment value, and the plain statement conveys the feeling of being stretched too thin. Your use of enjambment works well, and one line rolls into the next in these instances.
The highlight for me was definitely your end-rhymes, Carol. They blend with the rest of the poem -- obedient rhymes that they are!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
As usual, your spelling and grammar seem to be spot on. Great job!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't see any areas that need improving!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Ignoring the book
Won't get me a deal.
Got to face Logan;
How daunting it feels!"

All of the stanzas have equal value, but this has a particularly easy flow to it, and it expresses that feeling of being overwhelmed by the 'have to' list.

I found this poem to be very entertaining, and I will be back for more! Thank you for the read.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3548848

Review of Maybe, Maybe Not

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
The parent/child relationship is no doubt one of the most complex that can be experienced, and it is often said that it defines all other relationships in people's lives. There is a deep-seated need for all children to relate to their parents, and nurture that relationship, but as you mention in your poem, this is not always the way it is. You make the point that no matter how much love there is between father and daughter, or mother and son, outside influences and obligations can still outshine the compulsion to foster that relationship. The narrator is in a childlike mind state, and this is evident in the way she talks about chasing, wanting attention, and still being in need. There is a slightly sad tone, because there is that sense of having to let go of something that has influenced who you are, and though it is still there, the dynamic has changed. The desire to get it back is evident in every line.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a very good example of a free-verse poem. Not only do you give emotional impact through your form, and the way you use punctuation, and pauses, but the flow is seamless and creates an easy flow.
The beauty lies in the plain statement and story-telling quality that you use -- some nice touches of figurative language -- and your ability to weave all of this into a real story that anyone can understand and relate to.
Some nice examples of your use of the metaphor are in the following:

"when I reach for him,
and he's already
slipped
into his cave and I hear my mother's warnings,"

The way you call an emotional respite a cave creates a great visual. Though simple, it is still a reality that anyone can see and imagine.

"I’ve been chasing your shadow so long
I never even stopped to ask you
if your shadow forgot to tell you that I called
or that sometimes
I trip in the chase of you, and skin my pride,"

Both the shadow, and the pride are real beings with feelings and intention. Great job!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I only found one small error in the following:

"Its that shadow, you see,"
'Its' should be 'it's,' in this case.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There are no suggestions that I can make to improve upon this poem. The free and easy style that you have set works on many levels. Great job!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Don’t get me wrong, had you seen me fall, or heard me call your name,
I know
you would have been there to lift me up again,
to clean my wound, to wipe my tears.
That brings me to another question.
Would it have been easier had I been able to blame you for being callous, uncaring?"

This was the first point in the poem that I really understood the relationship between the narrator and her father. It is easy to relate to the feelings that are being experienced, and the depth of love is portrayed in a real way -- unconditional, yet not always attainable.

This is another example of your flair for poetry. You are a gifted poetess, and I thank you for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3546954

Review of When The Moon Moves Me

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, VictoriaMcCullough

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I hesitate to draw a conclusion on the meaning behind this poem. I'm not sure if the lovers have parted, with one of them on the receiving end of a broken heart, or if it is a case of a love that cannot be, for whatever reason. Whichever it is, there is a depth of passion and sadness that leaks out of every line. This person is thoroughly consumed by the one they want the most, and it seems that there is nothing that can relieve them of this angst. I like the way you talk about being sick with love, and how nothing can ease the heartache. The affection felt is made stronger when the missing lover is described as a thing of such beauty.

CONVENTIONS:
This is an emotional free-verse that flows unhindered, and it is only enhanced by your use of convention. The stand-out feature of this poem for me was the allusion you provided when you speak of Pygmalion. Instantly the depth of passion that is felt becomes clearer, as the feelings of longing and obsession are mirrored by those experienced by Pygmalion; the mythological sculptor who wanted nothing more than what was seemingly unobtainable. Another example of this is your use of the word 'mooncalf.' I wonder if the narrator is naming herself a fool for being the victim of a love that is no longer reciprocated.
The following are some sweet similes!:

"when you glow like satin
and sound like couplets
on beauty"

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are a few things that created some confusion when I first read this piece, and I think they could be easily avoided with the addition of some extra punctuation. As you have used punctuation in areas, I think you might consider continuing it through where needed. I will mention my suggestions below.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There a few little inconsistencies where you have completed a thought but omitted to use a period. Even though it is followed by a capital in some cases it still creates confusion.

In the following:

"Why wasn't it me
who shaped the moon
just so"
Suggestion: You might use a question mark after 'so.' It makes the
meaning much clearer.

I would suggest that you use a period at the end of the following lines:
"for my own good"

I thought you might use an ellipses after the following:
"fantasies" and
"steal"

Even though your have used a free-verse form, you might consider continuing your use of punctuation, or omit it altogether, but the former method removes any doubt about your meaning.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Why wasn't it me
who shaped the moon
just so"

The beginning lines are just a sample of the lovely language that you have used throughout. This first question that you posed drew me into the emotion, and gave me the sense that the narrator had no control over something that they longed for. The moon is a great comparison for this relationship, or union. It is a thing of beauty, but out of reach, and too powerful to be controlled.

"only waiting for you
to deepen me in a good
night sleep
when you glow like satin
and sound like couplets
on beauty
that no dead eclipse could
steal"

Yet another sample of your wonderful use of figurative language! The longed-for lover brings the gift of fantasy to the narrator in the midnight hour. This person is living for the experience where their love is reignited. This would be one of those dreams that you don't want to wake up from.

You have delivered a passion-fueled piece of poetry, and I thank you for sharing it with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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#3543297

Review of Castles in the Sand

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Blue sky and vibrant sun
The scene for
Towering castles in the sand.
Hours from start ‘til done
Quite a chore
But ever seen a site so grand?

Competition so tough
On the beach
A child’s play turned serious.
The prestige is enough
Within reach
Winning makes me delirious.

A third annual win
For this old
Professional sand castle king
I’ll return once again
Go for gold
With next year’s sandy offering.

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

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Greetings, Jeff

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Sand castle building is one of the more obscure hobbies that you don't often hear about, although those that call themselves enthusiasts would probably disagree. It is an art in itself, and the Sand Castle King that is returning obviously has the golden touch.

This is a tiny story that evolves in one continuing image. It starts with what appears to be a child's playground, filled with shovels and pails -- innocent creations from an upended bucket -- but as the poem progresses it becomes a competition between serious sand-lovers.

. It becomes apparent that the competitors aren't simply spending a day out at the beach, but rather, are vying for top spot with their artistic endeavours.

CONVENTIONS:
I always enjoy having the opportunity to review different forms of poetry. This is one that I particularly like, and though I haven't tried it myself, I think it would be an interesting form to experiment with. The beauty of this poem lies in your use of descriptive language. Your first line sets the scene, and all I needed was the bright sun and blue skies to get a lovely image of the beach, complete with crashing waves and gentle breezes. Your use of enjambment creates a nice flow, and each line is a seamless continuation from the last. And last but not least; the star of the piece is your rhythm and rhyme. Great job!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

In your meter:

"Hours from start ‘til done"
This line has five syllables rather than six.

"A child’s play turned serious."
This line has seven syllables rather than eight.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"A third annual win
For this old
Professional sand castle king
I’ll return once again
Go for gold
With next year’s sandy offering."

The narrator becomes a character in this stanza, and he is clearly definable as someone who is fanatical about his 'sport. 'I like the double meaning in the following:

"Go for gold
With next year's sandy offering."

The 'gold' describes both the sand, and the victory.

'Castles in the Sand' is creative and colurful, and I enjoyed your example of this challenging form. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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"Weekly" Review