This was great. I've reviewed a decent number of stories here in the last year I've been around, and have just recently developed my own template which I've saved in 'My Notepad'. And that's one area you didn't mention in this article. Maybe add something about how to save a template to this. I know it's one thing that has helped me in my own reviewing immensely.
Very good, Ernie, and every bit as disgusting as I was hoping for. You added alot of good characterization in this very short story. Your characters are starting to come to life better. Congratulations on winning The Fiction Forum's daily flash fiction contest.
Very funny, Ernie, but my kids would scream if they read this. My only critique is that you should begin each new paragraph of continued dialog with quotes to let the reader know someone is still speaking.
Congratulations on winning The Fiction Forum's daily flash fiction contest.
Spelling and Punctuation: Maybe the only living thing, perriod. Period. the other half of the Nevada Police were probably coming this way to. Too. The liked the get up;the boots, the hat You missed a space after the semi-colon, and it should be a colon. shoot a man in cold blood to to defend his dignity and and good name, cut one and.
Plot and/or Structure:
Good plot. You liad out a imminent crisis for the character and gave suspense as he waited for the police to arrive.
Style and/or Rythym:
You have a tendency to use too many words, and to ramble a bit as though you're unsure of what it is you what to say. Try organizing your thoughts more before you sit down to write.
Spelling and Punctuation: Then their eyes had met across the crowded room and zap instant attraction. Punctuate thus: zap! Instant attraction, or zap; instant attraction. In the beginning it had been good too, they really enjoyed being together. Use a semi-colon instead of the comma.
Plot and/or Structure:
Good job. Very unexpected ending.
Style and/or Rythym:
Ernie, I can't say it enough...you're writing is fantastic.
Areas for Improvement:
None.
My Overall Thoughts:
Great job on this. Thanks for entering The Fiction Forum's daily flash fiction contest.
Style and/or Rythym:
You have a nice writing style, very emotional, raw, and real. I do think, however, that the transition between the parents fighting and the child's internal monlouge was rough. I only caught it on the second read. Maybe simply add, she thought, the child thought, or some other attribution to let the reader know the speaker has changed.
Areas for Improvement:
Only the transition.
My Overall Thoughts:
This was very good. It's unfortunate that it has to be based on the reality of your life. Thanks for entering The Fiction Forum's daily flash fiction contest, and I look forward to reading more from you.
My Overall Thoughts:
All in all, I liked this older stuff. It's neat to look back and see where you were at an earlier time in your life, and to see how much you've grown.
Spelling and Punctuation: She was born with Rett syndrom and is unable to wal or speak. Walk.
Plot and/or Structure:
Good job here.
Style and/or Rythym:
Good.
My Overall Thoughts:
What a wonderfully touching tribute to your sister. This is a disease I've never heard of, and, seeing it's rarity, I imagine I'm not the only one. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
This was good, Ernie. I served six years in the US Army, and fortunatly never had to leave the country to fulfill my obligation. I can relate to this story, but not in the literal way. The only thing I can offer as constructive critque about this is that it may have been more effective with some drama added, like the movement in the brush presenting some real danger. Other than that, it was a good piece of writing. Congratulations on winning The Fiction Forum's daily flash fiction contest.
Very funny Ernie. I honsetly had no idea where you were going with this one until the very last sentance, and it made me smile. I know more than a few people that would die of a broken heart if they totaled thiier precious car, or lost some other seemingly precious material possesion. Good social commentary here. Thanks for entering.
I read the story behind the lyrics before I read the lyrics, and I think this is a great song. Very touching trubute to a daughter's pure love. I have girls of my own and I just finished yelling at them for their room being a mess. If you'll excuse me, I need to go give them a hug.
Plot and/or Structure:
This was a brief character sketch, so i can't give much comment on plot, but I didn't get much feeling for who he was or why he was the way he is.
Style and/or Rythym:
I think you relied too heavily on physical description, and not enough on internal motivation.
My Overall Thoughts:
I'd like to know more about this character, more about why he's so unhappy with his life and work. It's very streotypical to have a disgrunteled tech-support guy, but tell me why he's disgrunteled. What does he hate about his life? Why isn't he happy? That will make him alive more than overused cliches.
Plot and/or Structure:
No problems here. Good job.
Style and/or Rythym:
Your writing style evoked strong emotion. Good job.
Areas for Improvement:
None.
My Overall Thoughts:
I liked this alot. It reminds me of a book I read not to long ago. Night by Elie Weisel. A great and horrifying read if you've not had the chance. Good job with this.
Plot and/or Theme:
This is something we can all relate to even if not exactly.
Style and/or Rhythym:
No problems.
Areas for Improvement:
Try finding the words which are weak and replace them with stronger ones, words that show how much pain you felt when he stepped off the porch to leave.
My Overall Thoughts:
This was good. If you're just starting to write poetry I think you'll do fine.
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