*grin* I know, I know - it's about time I reviewed this. 
nice piece, my fellow turtle I like alot of it. The details are interesting and creative.
 Ok, on with the critique...
 Maybe consider switching the first and second paragraphs. That way you begin with the entanglement and use the second paragraph to orient your reader and help to further set the tone.
The sunshine streamed cheerily through the living room’s picture window of the newly remodeled one story house.
Not sure about the use of 'cheerily' in this sentence. Can sunshine be cheery? I think the idea is still there without the adverb, you may not need it.
“We had so many dreams and plans, didn’t we, Peter?” she said out loud, still standing in the heat.
I like this dialogue, but I think there needs to be some other kind of vivid thing to bring Melanie out of her memories and back to the present. Maybe use that heat you mention. Perhaps something about watching ice melt on the driveway, or her being barefoot and the concrete underfoot getting too hot to continue to stand on it. I donno. I like this dialogue, but just... there needs to be something a bit more vivid to bring me, as your reader, back to the present - well, *laugh* I didnt read the rest of that paragraph. Ok, ignore all I've said about this 
Though the paragraph could use a little 'brushing' up I loved the idea of them having a little paint war but there are alot of repeted words in that paragraph. Maybe try to rephrase some things - push those creative juices to work for you.
The wind blowing through the trees sounded like the applause that had erupted from their family and friends at the church.
 Very nice *nodding* very nice.
After class let out, she had decided to go to the mall as a reward for getting a perfect score on the new massage technique the instructor had taught them the week before. It had been a perfect day for shopping.
Just some repetition.
I'm not sure about some of the dialogue. I think it could be taken care of in a quick edit sweep. The officer's dialogue when he's telling her what happened - that seems strange. Do officers tell people via cell phone all the details? Would an officer even be involved with this seizure thing? Wouldnt Mrs O'Brien have called Melanie? Another place, was the doctor's explanation of the lack of oxygen. It's phrased a bit funny for me:...but he was deprived a lot to oxygen in his brain... Seems like it should read 'his brain was deprived of oxygen for (however long)...' instead.
Another section was the one where the doctor is telling Melanie what to expect. Are there really machines they hook up to people and monitors to determine brain waves? When my grandfather died, they said that they knew his brain was functioning up until a certian point because he took breaths on his own indicating the brain stem was alright. So... maybe do some research about that.
Um... I dont wanna give you my speach about adverbs being the coackroaches of literature... cause you were in that class like me *laugh* but there are several adverbs in this piece that could be removed and the sentences would flow better and sound better. Press yourself to come up with other ways to state what you mean. I mean, look at this sentence - the little boogers are climbing all over it
Suddenly, the monitors that were connected to Peter began beeping impatiently, and Peter started shaking violently in his bed.
If she's crying uncontrollably, mention something about how she's doing that - can she breathe or is she wracked with sobs? Just about anything you use for that would be more powerful than using 'uncontrollably' IMHO ((see, see - this sentence is what I mean: As they hugged, Melanie’s violent sobbing shook them both.))
I'm not sure of the believability of the death scene in the hospital room either... I mean, wouldnt the family be ushered out of the room when a patient is being worked on?
The next few days all passed by as if Melanie was watching it happen to somebody else.
nice sentence love the depth of emotion... the connotations this has.
um... nice end. I was wondering how you'd end this thing. I like it. You're so much better at endings than I *grin*
Overall, I thought this was pretty good. I liked the action, it kept me reading to the end - that kinda takes some doing nowadays. I dont have alot of time to read and review as I am getting ready for school again and taking care of my other responsibilities. So, good job
Happy writing,
Jen
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Firstly, I'd like to suggest that you consider breaking this into four line stanzas, if for no other reason than to see how it looks to you. Personally, I like to have just one large strophe like this (cause it's less work), but often times the poem works better/reads better when broken into sections. I do like your line breaks. They seem relatively effortless.
This here is my favorite line. I liked the simplicity of the word choices over the complicated idea expressed. Great job.