How fun this is! Prompt poetry is a blast!
I'm here to return the reviewing favor with a little review of my own.
Laughed at this poem - mostly because I can identify. Loved the pacing and the extra emphasis made by the formatting. I think many of us can identify with the annoyance of a neighborhood dog [or in this case, our own] dog barking or making noises that is just flat out annoying.
Enjoyed reading this! Thanks for putting it out there.
I did have a bit of trouble empathizing with Fiona at the beginning. I didn't have quite enough time to connect with her before you ask me to care that she's crying, to care that she's alone in the world. I wondered if the tears were realistic. I know the loneliness is a motivating factor in how she and Bill end up together, but I'm wondering if there's a better way of introducing her to us that would ease us in - connect us a bit more with who she is so your reader knows the tears are unusual? Dunno why the mention of tears bothered me - perhaps because from the first paragraph, I got the impression she was tough. Perhaps the scene would be more powerful with a mention of how the wind pushed against her, she wiped her cheeks but found them dry or... dunno, something that illustrates that though she cares deeply, that she is moving on?
Anyway, that didn't alter my rating - thoroughly enjoyed reading this - great job!
Love that last stanza. It flows well and sounds good when read aloud. It's full of memory and beauty - so nice.
The other two stanzas don't flow quite as well for me - I think it was partly because of the end rhymes for some lines but not others and perhaps because some of the phrasing is unfamiliar to me - though I bet if I heard it in your voice, it would flow much better than it does in mine. I can say that though the first stanza is kind of halting - I have to take it slow and it's a little bumpy just like new relationships, the second one is a little smoother and the last one is smoother still - similar to relationships where both people are fully engaged instead of checked out - First years are rough as you learn to find a rhythm but the couple gets stronger over time just like your stanzas seem to do. So, if that's what you're going for - bravo. But if you wanted it all to be butter-smooth, maybe a little stronger language and imagery would help?
If I was editing these verses, I might would clarify some, remove any repetitive or duplicate phrasing, strengthen some word choices and probably... Since your line breaks occur at your punctuation marks, I'd remove the commas and periods since there is a natural pause at the end of each line anyway. And maybe even shorten the this into two line stanzas? I like the repetition of "moons" throughout - I don't usually like that, but I love what that repetition does in your poem both for the sounds/rhythm/feel and meaning of it.
Your Text:
Many moons ago, I first told you, “I love you.”
And many moons ago, you told me the same.
Even though many moons have come and gone,
for neither of us has anything changed.
My suggested changes:
Many moons ago, I whispered, “I love you”
And many moons ago, you echoed the same
Even though many moons have gone our love has only grown
Take these comments as a grain of salt - use what you want and discard what you don't :)
Thanks for posting and for allowing me to critique. Overall I enjoyed reading and thought it was worth spending time on so be encouraged and keep writing!
Thought I'd drop by to return the r/r/r favor and found this nice piece. Awe - so sorry. It's rough to lose a pet and I think you've captured it well.
I like free verse poetry but usually that stuff is broken into lines and stanzas. This is more like a short story with poetic language and sensibilities.
I like that I didn't realize this might be a pet until much closer to the end. I thought it was your mom or something. I love writing that surprises me.
Wanted to drop by to return the RRR favor right quick and got sucked into this poem.
Enjoyed the imagery in this one. I've always favored beach/waves/water imagery. It's something everyone can identify with.
Favorite line:
The waves crash down, you dance in white gown.
Observations: (please take all of these comments as grains of sand - this is an interesting poem with intriguing concepts and I wouldn't waste time critiquing it if it wasn't something I like)
The first thing I noticed about this poem was the repetition of "near me" at the end of those first two lines. The next thing I noticed was the repetition of the cleaning idea from line three in line six... and other repetitions. Was that purposeful? I'm assuming that you want the repetition to be an echo of waves, but for me it was distracting.
I read through a second time and ignored the repeated items I noticed before but hesitated at line six because of the break in the end rhyme pattern you'd set up in the first stanza (and in the rest of the piece). It's like there's a missing line there. Since it follows my favorite line of the poem, I ache to know what goes there.
If I were editing this, I'd nix the end rhymes, all of the punctuation, and bump up the language some... maybe go toward unstructured free verse? [and you know I say that because all of my stuff is free verse LOL]
Here's how I'd suggest editing:
Your original:
Alone at sea I feel you near me.
The wind in your hair, your skin passes near me.
Your soft touch lights me like a fire, cleaning my soul.
Your scent thrills me, do we have somewhere to go...?
The waves crash down, you dance in white gown.
Splashing through the water cleansing your skin.
The Gods may question us, we leave without sin.
My edit suggestions:
Alone at sea
Wind in my hair
I feel you near me
You press skin against mine
a touch that torches
lights my soul with cleansing fire
Waves crash
you dance in white gown
splashing through water
washing all away
This piece came up on the random read list. Please accept my comments as kindly meant constructive criticisms and discard those bits that don't work for you. This is your piece of writing after all and it needs to sound like you and not like me.
My first thought while reading this was that I like the ideas your working with but that it's wordy for a poem. Perhaps try to push yourself to tighten up the phrasing and the word choices then see how it reads? It seems you're unpacking the meaning for your reader (spelling everything out). Generally, poetry readers like to unpack meaning themselves - trust us as your readers to fill in the gaps.
Grammatical comments:
In the last two lines you repeat "a". It's at the end of one line and at the beginning of the next.
Additionally, the second strophe has two lines with end rhymes whereas it seems the majority of your poem is written in free verse. Perhaps consider rephrasing to remove the end rhymes?
Suggestions:
Ok, so I very much like the ideas you're working with but as I mentioned before, it's a bit wordy and could be packed a bit tighter. Here's an example of what I mean:
Your version:
The beauty of the moon that is a million miles away
Hovering overhead in the sky so far above
Present for us to see
and others to see as well
Intimately feeling our deepest painful thoughts that dwell
My suggested edits:
A million miles away
the moon's beauty hovers over our heads
intimately reflecting our deep agonizing thoughts
Favorite lines:
Although individual and alone we stand
Our hearts hold secrets in common
Overall: I very much enjoyed reading this piece. I like the truths you're expressing and how you're expressing them.
This came up on the random read/review so I thought I'd check it out. Please take the following as kindly offered constructive criticism and throw out what you decide doesn't work for you. This is your poem after all.
I like the quality of emotion and expression in your poem. The ideas are great, however, it seems that some of the word choices are a bit forced. Personally, I prefer to write without the restriction of rhyme schemes because they narrow my word choices and don't make the poem any more powerful. I can pack more into the language of a free verse poem vs that of a rhyming one - but I'm not particularly skillful at rhyming poetry either.
I think the lines that make me stall the most are the "No disdain/ No negativity to obtain" lines because they don't seem to fit with the "feeling" of the rest of the lines you're offering here. The poem might flow better without them - maybe consider cutting?
On line 10 - do you mean "I" will accompany...?
My favorite turn of phrase: "my love for you has no jurisdiction".
Thanks for sharing - I enjoyed reading and reviewing.
Wasn't sure what to choose once I entered your portfolio. You've got lots to choose from. Emotion drips from your poetry like you've opened your veins letting your life blood drip onto the page. Thanks for the vulnerability you express in this one, but I was hoping for a tiny light of hope that this poem didn't offer. It was all dark - no contrast at all.
On first read through I got the impression that you're describing the human's state - the hopelessness of man's sinfulness. It sounded like a war, a spiritual war between the spirit of the air and the God of the heavens, but when I read it again I realized the capitalized pronouns at the beginning of the poem were simply at the beginning of sentences and not what I thought at all. So when I read it the second time I wasn't sure who you were talking about because the God of the bible isn't who's being described. Using the word "pray" and the "made in his image" phrase all made me think you're writing from a biblical world view, but many of the ideas expressed aren't biblical. All I really got from this poem is a sense of how angry the narrative voice is and how the logic of the poem pushes me toward agnosticism or some such hopeless place.
I have to say that I very much enjoyed reading this and chewing on the possible meanings and messages you're trying to communicate. It's rich with meaning, the push and pull of contrasting ideas, and the pervasive anger - great stuff, just depressing as all get out.
I have always enjoyed reading things about darkness and light and the description whet my appetite so I clicked on it.
Again, please take my comments as well meant constructive advice :)
I know this is in your "old poetry" folder and has a pretty ribbon so I had high expectations. I have to say, I found that I wanted more - a deeper/longer poem in free verse... yeah, ok, so I prefer un-rhymed poetry, but this piece alternates its rhyme scheme enough for me to notice it and be tossed out of the narrative. The end rhymes in the second strophe feel forced and so the poem instantly becomes stilted and doesn't really flow from one line to the next quite as easily as it could.
If I were editing (and, just so you know, I am convinced that the ideas you've got here are worth that time), first thing I would do would be to toss out all of the punctuation that happens on the end of a line. Line breaks cause a natural pause and having the actual punctuation at the end of each line makes the poem read really slow.
Then I'd discard the "-eek" end rhyme words... maybe not all, but at least one of them.
Think more about what darkness and light really represent and don't be constrained by attempting to find a word that rhymes, instead find the strongest word you can to express the ideas and, later, if you want to develop a rhyme scheme, you'll have the ideas ready for adaptation into that. The line that feels the most forced is the one ending in "meek" because it seems out of place with the rest of the ideas in the poem. I even find that I like "Light is what I seek... to not be bleak"...
Push the language - force it to work for you. You've got something good here, just could use some refinement.
Next, I'd remove prepositions and some of the simple verbs. Strip it to the basic ideas.
Here's yours:
Darkness,
is all that I want.
To release me from this torment,
to remain dominant,
forevermore.
And what I'd do:
Darkness
all I want
releases me
from torment
forevermore
I give 4 stars for concepts and 3 stars for execution.
Wow - this is a powerful dialogue. I enjoyed the fire metaphor you used throughout this piece. It really helped to get the idea across that anger is dangerous. My favorite word choice in this piece was "cremation." My favorite phrases were "... when you feed it with your own prejudices and your own failings. [...], that is mere selfish humanity." Probably liked that because of how true it is.
Great job on this. It was cathartic to read and I know it must have been cathartic to write.
Pulled this random read piece and am glad I did. It's fascinating!
I love the imagery and the word choices in this piece. There's lot to unpack. I'm not sure what secret is being kept, but after reading this, I want to know.
Thought I'd bop on over and return that reviewing favor.
First off I want to mention that I liked the premise of this story and I think it's solidly written. Unfortunately, everything feels a tad cliche except for the smile bit (that's why I've only given 4 stars). If there were some surprising things in there - something that wasn't predictable - I mean, what if Tommy did gun the car when the dad decides he wants to meet him. Tommy's flying through the stop sign, but thinks better about things, shuts down that flight instinct, and makes the block, gets out and knocks on the door. Maybe he finds the glaring dad standing there looking out at him through a window or something. I don't know, just an idea to push the plot line a bit more to make it zing.
Even if you don't want to add/change the story to include something surprising, I would like to suggest one change. Give Katy's mother a name. You refer to her father by name a great deal, the boyfriend, the girl all have names, but you only refer to her mother as "Katy's mother." The main reason I say this is because it was really noticeable in that last paragraph and it made me pause in the narrative to scratch my head. The mother is teasing by calling Howard "Dad" and then the next line starts with the teenager's name. I didn't even see the second word until I read it again. That's just the most noticeable spot where I believe having a name for the mother would be good.
Anyway, I enjoyed this read. Thanks for posting it.
I saw this one on the plug page and the description was interesting so I thought I'd drop in and read it.
I think your first and last stanzas are the best and I like the imagery and the ideas you're playing with here. Personally I prefer un-rhymed prose, but this one was pretty solid.
Thanks for sharing - it successfully stirred me up. I mean, American society is quickly becoming a society that is increasingly dependent on others instead of being self-sufficient. Just look at the number of people who actually work for a living verses the number of people who are physically and mentally able to work but instead sit at home and depend on the government (tax payers) to provide for them... Those people are the greedy weak ones who at the cost of their freedom throw it all away for a "free" cell phone or whatever other "free" item the government has decided to chain them with. It's appalling. Anyway, I don't want to get into all of that any further, but it's what I thought of when I read your poem so I can say without a doubt that your poem was a successful one.
I thought now would be a good time to return the r/r/r favor from a week or so ago and found this in your portfolio.
It's interesting. I like the stuff you've left unsaid the most. As the reader I'm able to infer that you had a rough night. Whether you went to the toilet without your glasses (and unbeknownst to you, your hubby had left the melon in the sink to chill overnight) and when you sat down you noticed the scary thing. The only weapon within reach was the blasted can of Lysol. You disinfected the melon and got out of there so quickly that you knocked yourself out, not quite making it to the bedroom - or maybe I misread it. Maybe you slipped on the Lysol while you were backing away from the melon? You thought you were asleep on the couch, but you were knocked out on the tile floor. It's funny to change the identity of the narrative voice too. I mean, if it's an 80 year old man's voice or a 12 year old girl voice you can read it in a different way and get something totally different out of it.
It didn't flow quite as well as I think it could, but I'm not sure how to suggest revision. Regardless, it was an interesting poem to read and I'm glad you shared it with us here at WDC.
One thing I noticed was that as your reader I felt a disconnect with your main narrative voice. I didnt know whose voice I was listening to and was disoriented because I didnt know why the character was in the meadow to begin with. Usually I like the universality of first person, especially when a name is not given to ground the reader, however, this time it would have been nice for me to get a sort of description of the main character early on to draw me into the story quicker. I dont suggest naming the character but knowing early on that the charcter is human would be nice, especially since the title and item description say it isnt your typical fairytale. I kept expecing to find the story being told from a strange perspective of a minutar or a wood sprite or mischievious brownie..
I like the over arching metaphor and how you managed to bring the truth of human nature's sinful state. I particularly like that the character recognizes God as the only one who can save him or her. It is interesting that you let the character die and enter heaven. I am wondering if the nouns used in reference to God near the end should be capitalized.
Well, I sure enjoyed reading and I hope you take my comments as well meaning grains of salt. They are just my personal observations and humble opinions.
I thought I'd poke around in your portfolio to find something I could return your reviewing favor with and I came upon this masterfully interesting story.
I have to say, retelling Snow White with a male lead is a wonderful, and surprisingly uncommon idea. I wish I'd come up with it myself and I see why it's got a ribbon. Although I'm not sure what I think about him having so many wives...
I did notice a few technical things - no misspelled words, of course, but a few phrasing things that could use a small bit of tightening up. If you'd like me to point those sentences out, I'll revisit and send those suggestions over.
Your word choices throughout are good and made this even more of a pleasure to read. My favorite sentences by far are: "They moved like lightning, dancing with deadly grace. With a slash and a turn, a riposte and a jig, they cut the men down and surrounded the Queen." because they sing, just like poetry.
I also liked the alliteration of "...sinful sway." quite a bit. It was super descriptive and told me more than enough about the queen's character.
I'd very much like to see this story expanded and to see you push the boundaries of the story more. Right now, as interesting and well written as it is, it feels a bit like an outline, just a narrative version of a plot outline that screams "write more!" from its core. I mean, it feels like that till about the half way mark when the dwarfs show up and I start trying to figure out those characters. I believe that this story has the potential to be a much longer piece and could stand much deeper character development - that is if you wanted to do it. From what I see here, I believe you can and want to encourage you to do so if you're even the least bit inclined to do so. (And if/when you do - let me know you've done it, because I'd love a peek at it.)
And furthermore... Although I like the twists to the Snow White story you've put in, the story would be even stronger and perhpas even more interesting if you push the story to be more independent from the Snow White story structure - kind of like you did nearer to the end of the story. I mean, use the Snow White plot line, but change things up more and make it more your own so that people are slightly less aware of what your base fairy tale structure is. You could possibly do that by changing the gender of each of the main characters (Coal loses his father instead of his mother - the new King is the baddie - the hunter character becomes something else - etc), and by perhaps changing the mirror to something else magical like a magical harp that when he strums it... The dwarfs could be gypsies, the hunter could be a maid or something of the like... the possibilities for this Coal Black story line you've created are positively endless. But, if you decide to go that route, I'd definitely hang onto this version of the story - because you've got some great stuff in it (specifically character related stuff - the queen, the hunter... and that great imaginative stuff about the dwarfs...).
Anyhoo, those are just my suggestions (read "opinions") and whether or not you decide to keep the story as is or change things up a bit, it's still a solid good story I very much enjoyed reading.
Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it so very much and have to say that it's helped inspire me to write again. It's been a long time since I worked on anything new, but reading stories like this make me want to write again. So thank you.
I thought I'd return the reviewing favor before I got offline this evening.
This is a serious poem. I like the idea you're playing with here - the "sanity" idea, I mean. And I like the last stanza because from what I can tell it speaks of healing and not of despair after something as tough as this. So, I think it's the strongest stanza in this piece - great work.
In relation to how I believe this could be better: perhaps consider writing a version of this that has no rhyme at all. In parts, the rhyme scheme seems to restrict your prose just a bit. Specifically, the end rhymes in the second stanza: the word "goodbye" seems out of place in the rhyme scheme but fits well with the poem's message.
I don't suggest re-writing this one to such an extent that you lose this original copy, but maybe consider writing a companion poem, compacting each line or feeling from that line into a few words to make the piece a bit more powerful?
wet eyes
falling tears
dripping down
dampening the ground
voice called
in the dark
saying goodbye
and I lost my light
(and so on...)
Anyhoo - thanks for posting this poem. I enjoyed reading between the lines and hope you'll take my comments as a grain of salt.
I clicked on this piece because I was wondering how bitterness could be sweet and after reading realized you probably meant that it was "very short" "but sweet". Ha!
I like the beginning of this. I'd be interested to find out where this one will be headed. I like the character you've started to develop but just want more. The use of "cursed" in the first sentence is masterful and poetic. Despite the grim picture it paints I smiled thinking how wonderful that word choice was and how interesting the alliteration there in that first sentence pushed me towards wanting to read more. Honestly, it's that first descriptive sentence that kept me reading and now has me submitting a review. I would be interested in reading more of this as you write it, so if you'd like, send me an update so I can drop back in and perhaps raise my rating.
I look forward to finding out if the character will find something to strive towards, will find some hope to keep her warm.
Thought I'd return the review favor while I was around the site this evening.
First reaction after reading:
"Oh! Awe! How terrible!"
Overall:
Generally speaking, I very much like the thought provoking story. It's surprising that so few words can generate such a strong response. I can't imagine what kinds of comments you've gotten, but I hope the short will effect your readers so much that they will consider how they treat their parents.
So, I thought I'd drop into your portfolio to return the reviewing favor and found this little gem. I loved the doodle. The images your masterful word choices conjured for me was great! Thanks for the engaging read.
I enjoyed the beautiful prose of this one. "madness dream" and "exhausted spirit becomes illusive"... such phrases are wonderfully packed with ideas. Great job! I really like that first line too. This one, though the main character doesn't sound like she made it out alive, is my favorite so far. I'd love to hear a longer narrative about this character.
I can see why this piece has a ribbon already. It's great. It flows well, the word choices enhance the flow of the lines. I think the only word choice that I paused over was "succulent" because I wasn't sure how a sound could be so, though I like the way the two words feel coming off my tongue.
My favorite part was the section that begins with "romantic fantasies" - I love the images you've painted for your readers.
The form is interesting too. Its spacing reminds me of how flames kind of burst and then taper and such - great job!
Thought I'd return the reviewing favor right quick.
I enjoyed reading this. I like that it's not super obvious that it's an acrostic poem - meaning it doesn't feel forced to me and I take that as a great sign. I allows me as the reader to relax and take my time to savor each word choice for the great picture it paints.
Personally, I liked the second version best overall, but there were things in both that I very much liked. I think the second one resonated with me more because of the alliteration you've used and of some of the word choices. I also believe the second version flows better than the first, just because some of the line breaks in the first made me have to pause and re-read a few times to make sure I'd understood what was being said. Anyway, overall, I enjoyed reading these.
If you're so inclined, maybe consider making a separate file, cast off the restrictions of the acrostic form and see what you can do about combining the best parts of each of these into one poem. I'd like to see what you'd come up with.
I'm going to go nose around some more in your portfolio. If this is any indication of what you generally write, I think I'd enjoy reading another.
Happy writing,
Jen
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