thanks for the opportunity to work with you on this one too.
Alright, here are a few editing suggestions:
He was born high in a nest in a coconut tree.
Since there are two 'in' phrases, maybe consider saying that: He was born in a nest of the tallest coconut tree. *shrug* it still doesnt quite sound right somehow, but I know you can play around with it till it does
The rocks hurt him as he was dashed against him.
Um, I think 'him' needs to be 'them' here.
I noticed a few other sentences that probably needed to be reworded near the beginning... but all that was forgotten as I got wound up in the story. I love the idea of this. I was worried for the bird. I mean, he fell and I was wondering if he'd fly at all or get eaten. Wow, I love the imagry in this one. Cant wait to start sketching.
What a great story you've created here. I very much enjoyed reading it.
Ok, you know I cant just pass up a chance to spout out my opinions, so here I go: Many of the lower leaves on the plant had shriveled and dried up. They looked like dead spider legs. Is there some way you could combine these two sentences? I like the simile (in fact it's quite powerful), but think it could be a stronger statement if you somehow combine the sentences.
She was his best friend after all. so he led her into the room. Um, just some punctuation stuffs here.
Well, overall I very much liked the symbolic possibilities of this piece. I love the conclusions I can draw from this sentence or that sentence. It could easily be made into a story book illustrating how to keep a friendship going, or any relationship for that matter. Your words painted images in my mind that I'd love to create on paper. Thanks for sharing this piece.
yep, this piece deserved a win in a contest. It's very nicely done. I love the lilting rhythm... I've always kinda liked this pantoum form, even though I've yet to write one with any measure of success. Anyway, thanks for sharing and for the great Holiday wish it represents.
May your next year be filled with nothing but joys,
Jen
very funny stuff you have here. I like the dark humor in this. Do you own a Nova? Actually work there or what? I mean, did you just make all this up or what? Anyway, no matter.
I so much enjoyed this piece, however, the format made it a slow read. It was interesting enough for me to continue reading, but usually I'd not bother reading the whole thing if it were in this format. Maybe consider fixing the lineation and putting space between the paragraphs for your readers.
anyway, thanks for another great read. This one definitely deserved its award.
Hi
I know it's taken me a while to get into your portfolio to return your reviewing favor, but I'm here *grin* And I like the furniture you've got in your place.
I enjoyed your word choices, the imagry churned up with them... so much great stuff in this one.
Suggestions: No stars to use, to navigate, The comma after 'use' threw me out of the piece. Maybe consider removing it, or if you're using it as a pacing device, just make a line break there.
nature lends a helping hand. Maybe consider capitalizing 'nature' since you're personifying it already...
sets free the imprisoned moon. This one was my favorite line.
The last line of the piece seems... well, 'fright time' seems to be a bit too goulish for me in this poem. The connotations of that phrase just brings up trick-o-treating imagry in my head... I'm sure it's me, but perhaps consider changing it to something similar but without using 'fright'?
Anyhoo... I very much enjoyed reading this piece. It's full of great imagry and the pacing is great. The form is nice too. Thanks for posting such a nice read.
Me again *grin* Had to read the other one tonight too.
This has promise as well. Lots of great stuff going for it.
Ok, suggestions:
In general, I think this piece is too broad. It needs a little more focused things, focused flashbacks maybe to carry the story a bit more than using exposition. I'll explain more if you need me to. But the place where I noticed it the most was during this part:Aunt Jean was a strong... memories I never want to forget.It's during this part that I think you could've shown the reader how your aunt was strong a little more vividly than just stating it. The wig part was a good start, maybe build on that idea a bit more.
...hearing stories of Aunt Jean and Uncle Herman living Iin Houston close to the cancer clinic there. I was a baby at the time.
In a daze, I walked over to Mom, hugged her neck, kissed her, and told her I loved her.
wow, that part about the ants and the correlation is great.
All I could think of as I looked at her lying in the bed, the covers tucked under her arms, was that she looked like a China Doll. Even in death, she was beautiful. Wow, this part... made me suck in my breath.
There's lots to say about this piece. The subject matter itself has many connotations for every reader. The part about cancer being worse than a four letter word... well, play around with that idea and I think you could get a pretty good title out of it.
Anyhoo... I very much enjoyed reading this piece. Thanks for posting it cause I know it was hard to write.
Nice piece you've got here. Good ideas expressed, nice form. Naturally I've a few suggestions
I think some of the lines could be tightened up to aid in clarity. For example:
Every now and then
I cry like someone's been
Killed in recent days,
Or the parting of the ways
Every now and then.
This first stanza is nice, but it's a bit wordy. Yeah, like I'm one to talk when it comes to wordiness, *laugh* but maybe if these lines were phrased a bit differenly they'd be a bit clearer, and maybe even a bit more powerful:
Every now and again,
I cry out
as if (insert name or relation)'s been killed
Or parted ways with me -
Every now and then.
Cant say this stanza is better than yours, (more than likely it isnt) but with 'I cry out' on it's own line and the insertion of a name or maybe even of just a relational word (brother, mother, boyfriend, etc) those lines would be more powerful and draw your reader into the piece, help them identify more with the emotions being expressed. I know to do this, to make these lines more powerful the way I suggest will ruin your rhyme scheme... but I dont think you'd be losing anything as far as poetic impact you've got some great ideas in there.
Likening fears to a bulldozer is a great simile, one I think you could really play off of here. Maybe think more about what a dozer does - pushes stuff around, runs over stuff - it controls and shapes, has power. *grin* it's a very nice image and I'm impressed
Enjoyed reading this piece. It's got great emotional content and good character development. Nice job on those... and on the entanglement. You really hooked me in with this first chapter.
Ok, gonna hop right in with a few things I noticed:
“ That’s what I need,” She whispered . Since this is dialogue and a dialogue tag, the 'she' doesnt need capitalization.
Inside she wept for his innocence, cried out for his future and despaired at ever finding a way out of this dark life she had created for him. This feels like a POV shift since up until this point the reader is seeing things from the child's POV. Since from here it goes into her POV, maybe set it apart with a little star or something... or maybe not *laugh* It's just that the shift happened in the same paragraph that I noticed it.
He was only four years old and already his eyes were ancient. I love the idea you're communicating with this line, however, when I read the word 'ancient' I always think of mummies and I'm sure it's just me, but the description feels cliche, kind of like using 'soft'. Maybe just using 'old' or 'aged' would have the same effect but not feel cliche.
But even beyond his obviously advanced development threr was more. typo?
“It couldn’t be much worse than it is now”, she whispered as he left her room. just a comma that should be inside the end quotes.
But there was alot that she didn't know about Bryn. 'alot' should be 'a lot'... *laugh* I do the same thing and my autocorrect thing fixes it.
Bryn was thankful, but not really for the food. He was more grateful for the look mom always got on her face as she prayed. Um... I noticed a few of these instances where 'mom' should be capitalized cause it's used as a name and not just as a reference like 'my mom'...
Her cheeks redended as she said a silenct prayer of repentance for her selfishness. I think 'redended' is misspelled... I'm not a great speller myself, so I donno
Overall I quite enjoyed this piece. I instantly identified with the characters. I mean, I didnt empathize but I cared what would happen to them. I wanted to know more about their situation though. I know this is just chapter one so it doesnt bother me too much that it ends like it does. Um, there were several little grammatical things... not sure where the plot's headed just yet, but I'm interested Um... your descriptions were good - solid even. The setting details were enough and the tone was such that I kind of felt like I knew where I was. I quite enjoyed this read. Not only that, I found it refreshing that I didnt have to mention the 'adverb speil' to you *laugh* I mean, your sentences flow very well.
I'll definitely be back to read more if you decide to continue this story
Happy writing,
Jen
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I enjoyed reading this piece. It's encouraging and fun. I didnt notice any gramatical errors but I was so caught up with your words that in a way it wouldn't have mattered.
Nice job.
Happy writing,
Jen
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Another interesting chapter. Do you actually have more to this story hidden away? If so, please pretty please with a turtle on top send me the item numbers and passkeys
Happy writing,
Jen
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Hi... I too love this movie - it's my favorite. My youngest sister gave me a copy of the DVD this past year for my birthday and even though I think I should've out grown it I love the wimsy and the DVD is in the player quite often *laugh*
Ok... just a few formal things I noticed:
"Unfortunately, there was none," feeling a little ashamed.
This should have a period after 'none' cause the following text isnt a dialogue tag seeing as how it doesnt mention a speaker and make the following part into a complete sentence, or just add 'he/she said,' before 'feeling'. There are several instances of this kind of thing. Be careful and make sure each piece of dialogue is punctuated correctly
"Have we met? ", she asked.
You dont need the comma here... normally there's just one kind of punctuation for dialogue within the quotes. There are also several instances of this kind of thing throughout... nothing a little edit cant fix
"Yes, but, I'm afraid you have ignored me ever since," sounding a little hurt.
This is another example of the first thing I mentioned. This part outside the quotation marks isnt a dialogue tag. If you add a 'he said,' before 'sounding' it'd be fine
Only reason I've rated it thus is so it'll have room to improve. With some tweaking this piece could really burn my eyes out *laugh* I like the direction the story's taking me. The beginning was a bit slow with the monologue type paragraphs, but once the dialogue started I began to really enjoy it.
If you'd like more help with dialogue tags and their punctuation or with anything else, let me know and I'll do what I can to help *grin*
Now I'm off to the next part to this story
Happy writing,
Jen
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Thought I'd return the favor of the great reviews you've sent
This is nice. I like the color you chose, and the way the lines flow. I like the repetition of those two rhythmic lines as well as the nice rhyme scheme.
Suggestions: Contritely head bowed, seeking pardon denied,
I like this, but it may read even better if the 'ly' were removed
Happy writing,
Jen
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Wow... this poem is beautiful. Why cant I seem to write things like this *laugh*
I was impressed by the imagry and the phrasing, the meter and the narrative plot-like progression was quite nice too. And the fact that this poem made me feel something made it great in my book.
One formal suggestion: Peeking from under her winter cap.
Maybe consider replacing 'her' with 'the' or 'a' cause you've already used 'her' twice in the lines before this.
Happy writing,
Jen
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Content:
Very nice sentiments being expressed. I enjoyed reading each part cause each one envoked a reaction.
Line comments:
I think the only word choice that bothered me a little was 'chuckles' cause it kind of broke the meter for me. Not sure what could replace it or even if it should be replaced cause of the meaning of that line - it essentially meaning that it was alright for tears to interrupt chuckles and... that line is interrupted
Mechanics/Form:
Beautiful form. I love the indentions, they definitely add to the piece's overall impression.
Happy writing,
Jen
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*grin* this is a beautiful poem... probably the best piece of yours I've read today. It flows well, doesnt have many, if any at all extraneous words - the lines are tight, I mean. Not only that... I too have been wondering about the 'validity' of meeting people online and developing a lasting relationship - friendship or otherwise. Would love to discuss this further
um... did you know all of your linked items are invalid now?
Happy writing,
Jen
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Content:
Beautiful content, ideas expressed. Enjoyed the word choices and phrasing. *nod* I like creative expression.
Line comments:
Lines were solid Good line breaks, good clarity.
Mechanics/Form:
The color use is interesting. I understand the pattern you've set up but... I felt like it should've been arranged in such a manner that your reader could read all the red words together and it make sense as well as read all the black words and it be understandable, then read them together and it make even more sense. If this had been the case with your poem I'd have been blown out of the water. It'd have been one of those three make one, or three in one pieces... may be interesting to play with that idea a little.
Happy writing,
Jen
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Individual line comments:
In general, I think perhaps this piece could be tightened considerably with a little work. It'd make your lines flow even better than they do now if you remove the words that can be removed and keep the idea intact.
Would I learn all that makes you who
You’ve been right from the start?
These two lines are a bit unclear for several reasons. Number one reason is the word the first line is broken on. It makes the phrasing confusing. Maybe consider breaking on 'makes' or 'you' instead.
Would we remember the hurts, the joys
Of each life, and of the pain?
Like the idea you're working with here, but it could be clearer. I think it's that last phrase that bothers me... maybe consider stating it as 'and of the pains' or as 'and the pain' or maybe even switch the joy phrase with the pain phrase...
Stanza six is my absolute favorite.
Form Comments:
Nice rhyme scheme. Most of it flows naturally. I admire that cause I cant do rhyme schemes well *laugh*
I like the four line stanza form for this, it enhances the rhyme scheme.
Your long lines carry the ideas well
Content:
Great idea, statments.
Overall... this was a good read.
Happy writing,
Jen
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... I'm honored *grin* So, do I get to run off with him and Rook? I wouldn't wanna hold him back from helping anyone. Every girl from a small town dreams of adventure
Happy writing,
Turtle
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thanks for the opportunity to express my gratitude. This site has really been a blessing this summer and I've thoroughly enjoyed myself. I almost wish I could drop school so I could veg in front of the computer and continue to review *laugh*
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Wow. This piece is great - near perfect in my humble estimation. I love the imagry, the almost palpatible emotion... that last stanza is so powerful I kinda... I just sat there for a while after reading it to digest the imagry and the emotions expressed. Amazing piece.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Happy writing.
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Nice piece. I like the way this flows... didnt have many problems with the lineation at all - liked the punctuation, and the quality of expression. I have to tell you that I dont think the speaker of this poem will be happy searching to serve himself though... but I'm sure each of us have to try it for a while.
But, wiser, I ask myself,
Who for me is important? I'm not sure about this first line. It isnt clear in its meaning cause of the inclusion of 'wiser'...
Again, it's a nice piece. Thanks for a good read.
Happy writing.
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Nice piece. It has a natural rhythm... I'm very comfortable with the meter of it. Um, the only thing I noticed that would make this better for me is something about the last stanza. Did you mean for it to be seven lines long, or did you plan for it to be two stanzas of four lines each like your first two stanzas?
Anyway, I love you subject matter, your word choices are nice, and I really enjoyed reading this. I look forward to reading more of your writings.
Happy writing,
Jen
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Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation:
Didnt notice any spelling or grammar issues, and I like the lack of terminal punctuation in this piece.
Voice, Creativity:
I enjoyed the voice of this piece. The fact that this is a poem and the speaker is stating that he/she cannot write one is amusing and was one of the things that kept me reading.
Mechanics
I love the flow of this poem. It reads well - good meter and rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme seems effortless and only helps the reader lilt from line to line with ease. This ease of reading and clarity of ideas was one of the main reasons this is an above average piece for me.
Overall:
In general, I quite enjoyed this read. The form lended itself well to the content as did the witty rhyme scheme. The subject matter is great and I identified with many lines.
Overall Rating:
Good luck,
Jen
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thanks for the opportunity to work with you on this one too.
He was born high in a nest in a coconut tree.
The rocks hurt him as he was dashed against him.
very funny stuff you have here. I like the dark humor in this. Do you own a Nova? Actually work there or what? I mean, did you just make all this up or what? Anyway, no matter. 
in
even though I think I should've out grown it I love the wimsy and the DVD is in the player quite often *laugh*
