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489 Public Reviews Given
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Review of Fear  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kimber *Bigsmile*

You know what... I liked this piece. I like the way you've made the lines scatter across the page to make use of the space, so that not only is it interesting in idea, the piece is interesting to look at too.

I like the idea you're working with here - the one about being afraid of turning into your mother. Most of us fear that. Some of us realize it's inevitable and just relax into it because as terrible as it often is, the examples we have influence who we become. I have three decades under my belt now and have come to the realization that I'm so much like my mother that even she has said she feels sorry for me *Bigsmile* It's this big running joke. But the thing is that she knows how hard things are for me because she sees herself in me. I hope that you will come to a point where you choose what traits you want to adopt from your mother and let the other ones waste away.

Thanks for a good read.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
77
77
Review of Enduring Flame  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ben Langhinrichs *Bigsmile*

Saw your request on the plug page for suggestions... This piece deserves the ribbon it sports. It is well written and full of great word choices, good lineation, and even tone. I like the ending the way it is. I read it twice to see if I could suggest anything to make the ending stronger, but came up empty. I like the idea of two loves uniting and burning together until they both go out at the same time.

And if you were wondering, the second stanza is my favorite.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
78
78
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Tania *Bigsmile*

Saw this piece on the plug page and thought I'd drop in and take a look. Gonna hop right into this, if you don't mind.

First impression:
I like the intro and the voice this is written in. I smiled at the end of the second paragraph because of the "I digress" comment and thought "yeah, this is one I'll read all the way to the end." So, good job on getting your reader hooked into the story.

Overall:
Good narrative voice throughout, interesting, fast paced story. I like the surprise ending.

Comments:
I think the only real beef I have with the story is some of the logistics once the narrator goes into the neighbor's apartment. Specifically, the logistics of what he smelled. I wondered about it because I have doubts about how long it would take for a body to get putrid enough to make a person throw up. I know blood has a distinct smell that can cause a gag reflex in some people, but I also know that a dead person will smell like waste before it'll smell like rotten meat. The movies make death all nice and pretty, where the person has time to give a speach then close their eyes or stare fixedly at one spot and stop breathing. Perhaps consider doing a little research for that scene - everything else in the story is "real" and that part should be too. ((You know, this story could likely have been an even stronger story if the sci-fi closer to the end was removed. You've painted an interesting picture - one I'd like to see more of.))

Only other thing: there were a few grammatical things I noticed - nothing so glaring that it kicked me out of the story, but if you need them listed, let me know and I'll send them over later. It was only about three or four things. (One obvious spelling error you'll see if you do an edit pass and two to four things that could make a few sentences flow better.)

Well, thanks for a great read.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
79
79
Review of Eyes...  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Ieshwar *Bigsmile*

I like the quality of emotion in this poem. I think that's what I like most about poetry - the way a four word line can be packed with so much meaning.

I thought the "two eyes" phrase was unique - most would have just put "eyes" and been done, but I like that about this poem. It works.

Humble observations/suggestions:
*Bullet* The first three lines of your poem flow very well. The third line broke what felt like the beginning of a rhyme scheme. The word choices are solid and the images vivid throughout, so I'm not sure how to suggest you edit to remove that rhyme feeling at the beginning - it may be impossible because of the use of the word "eyes" at the end of the first two lines of each strophee. Donno.
*Bullet* Maybe consider adding an "s" to "burn" in line seven.
*Bullet* Perhaps add "my" into line twelve so it reads:
         Freedom is now part of my past
*Bullet* Consider replacing "is" in this line:
         A coded book is are those eyes
*Bullet* The last stanza, second line - maybe consider editing for flow:
         Throne of my life is shines in those eyes

My favorite line is: Blackest oceans are those eyes I like the imagery, connotations and foreshadowing it lends to the poem. Good work.

Well, I hope some of those suggestions are helpful.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
80
80
Review of Instructions  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Eric the Fred *Bigsmile*

I enjoyed reading this and the belly laugh that followed the last line there. I like the idea of removing the poet and seeing what you get. I mean, in reality, the poet gets replaced by the reader anyway. If the poem resonates with the reader, it's because of the reader's background, not necessarily the poet's.

And I had to comment on your user name - that made me grin too. Anyway, good work on the not-quite-haiku. It was a fun read.


Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
81
81
Review of The Dragons  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi again Danii *Bigsmile*

This piece is even better than the last. I like the narrative you've got going. It's imaginative and fun. I like the imagry and several of your word choices. Good job.

There were a few lines that didn't quite flow like the rest, but I still enjoyed reading it.

I think it's funny that you said you wrote it by the light of your cell phone - that's great! I hope you always keep that kind of passion for writing.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
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82
Review of Absentee  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Danii *Bigsmile*

I like the idea you're working with here. I think it has loads of potential.

Here's my humble suggestion: Consider removing all rhyme-like elements from this piece, lengthen the lines/stanzas to make it flow better. I found that although I enjoyed the ideas you were presenting, there were several words that I got stuck on - words that I stumbled over and prevented the poem from flowing well for me. I think with a little tweaking, this piece could really shine. If you'd like an in-depth review, let me know and I'll send my suggestions about how I'd edit this great piece.

My favorite part is the stanza with the questions. I mean, it was really funny thinking about Prince Charming not fitting into his armor *Wink*

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
83
83
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thought I'd check this out since I was intrigued by the title. Your intro is well written and definitely drew me into the book. Good job on that.

I give you full marks for creativity. I like the story's idea and the unique aspects of the scenery and whatnot. The explanation of the technology at use is good - gave me a great visual.

I have a few humble suggestions:
I noticed a few things that tossed me out of the narrative. For instance, this sentence used the phrase 'due to' twice in close proximity - Due to their last failed engagement, they lost a good portion of their crew due to attrition and desertion. Maybe consider revising it to remove the duplication and keep the idea.
Another thing that knocked me out was the long section about the asteroids. I'm still not sure why that part was so long. It was well constructed, but I'm not sure why the character's so focused on it for so long. Maybe consider editing it in such a way that the section moves faster - this is your first chapter, so it generally needs to be as streamlined as possible to keep your reader's interest. If you want to cut the section all together and insert it later in the story, after you've got your readers hooked, more power to you.
I like the way the story gets moving again after that with the movement to the elevator and the conversation between the two guys.
Noticed this sentence: He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling with a dreamy look. had two "look"s in it. Maybe consider: He leaned back in his chair and glanced up at the ceiling with a dreamy look.

Only had time to read the first chapter, but from what I have seen, this is an interesting story that I'll likely come back to finish as time allows.

Happy Writing,
Jen



just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
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84
Review of Crunched  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi,
Thought I'd drop by your port and return the rate/review favor right quick.
I identified with the being laid off thing and I think that's why my favorite phrase was "a professional goodbye smile." I give you full marks for the idea, but would not be favorable of it actually being enforced. I mean, I'm not in favor of an even wealth distribution system. I believe if we had that kind of system there'd be no incentive to work hard and then we'd end up with lots of underachievers and wards of the state. When you replied to my poll about the state of the world economy, you mentioned something about the option about it paying to be unemployed in America - I know you were joking, but it really is a problem, especially in the south and in low-income areas. The government gives welfare money to people who are very much capable of working and providing for themselves, but don’t because they get more money from the government than they would working 80 hours at minimum wage. The whole system is a mess. For each child birthed out of wedlock, the mother receives a check - what incentive does a person like that have in getting a job? What incentive does that person have to work hard and be a functioning/productive part of society? I'll answer that for you - none. That's why I have a hard time thinking that any kind of socialism is a good idea. Theoretically, it's a nice philanthropic idea, but in practice it doesn’t work. Take a hard look at all of the socialistic countries and societies of the past and you'll see that they just don’t work. I want a utopian society where everyone works hard, no one goes hungry and everyone has a roof over their heads, but if someone's not willing to work, why should I be held responsible for them? If they can’t work, that's another topic all together, but if they're able, I shouldn’t have work overtime and just give them the benefits of my labor.
Wow, I sure did ramble all over the place with this one. I hope you don’t mind. Thanks for the thought provoking piece.
Happy writing,
Jen
85
85
Review of Love  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked the ideas expressed in this poem. I like that it doesn’t rhyme - I like poems that flow and have a rhythm, just don't really favor a rhyme scheme unless it's unnoticeable and natural.

My favorite idea is: "and rejection of a greener pasture"

Love poems are really hard to excel at because everyone seems to write them, and why I try to stay away from writing them myself. They're a natural out pouring from a writer's heart when one's experienced strong emotions, but with so many people having written poems about love, it's hard to write one that stands out. I like that this one speaks specifically to your situation (if it does). That makes this one unique.

I think this one could be much stronger, but am not sure what changes to suggest to make that happen.
Perhaps consider re-lineation, picking stronger words and playing around with the order of the words. For example, let's take that first line: Love, for me, is a state of mind.
Perhaps consider rearranging it:
A state of mind:
that's what love is for me.

Then you can go on to expound on that idea. Make your language stronger - think about it more. Is it hard to get into that state of mind? Is there struggle involved in "allowing" yourself to love? Once you're in love, what do you feel? What is love anyway? Describe it without using the word "love" and you'll have something stong from the get-go.

Well, good luck. I hope something that I've suggested will help.

Happy writing,
Jen
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86
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wanted to check out at least one more of your pieces before I moved on today.

I like this story too. The character development is nice, and I like the way things are starting to happen. I like that you've allowed the reader to make their own assumptions about Riley and Malachi instead of spelling it all out for them instead. The voice of the story is good too.

I've noticed two things that tell me that you're a young writer - the plethora of long sentences, made by using lots of extra phrases, and words close together that are either the same or very similar.

Here're samples of what I mean:

This sentence has an extra phrase (& in this case, a duplicated idea):
I looked around at the laughing groups of our peers surrounding us and smiled to myself; Riley was all the friendship I needed.
I like this sentence. It tells me a lot about Bekah and how she thinks of her friend, but I noticed that "surrounding us" is an extra phrase. From the 'looked around' part, the reader already knows that they're in a group - choose one phrase or the other. There are several instances of this kind of thing throughout - great sentences and ideas, just too much info expressed in extra phrases. Go through and decide what you really want to express with each sentence. If the idea of the sentence needs the phrase, leave it in. If the idea falls apart without that phrase, leave it in, but if the sentence reads easier and the idea is strong without the phrase, take it out, like I suggested with this sentence revision. (Does that make sense?)

Here's a needlessly long sentence:
After what seemed like hours the bell to end the period finally sounded and a collective sigh ran through the crowd around me as people pushed themselves out of their chairs and began trudging towards their first classes of the year.
See... I like all of the ideas expressed here, but by the end of this sentence, I'm tired. Be kind to your readers by making it flow a little better.
Here's my suggestion: After what seemed like hours, the bell ended the period. A collective sigh wafted through the crowd as people pushed themselves out of their chairs and trudged towards the beginning of yet another school year.
In this one, your ideas are intact but it's easier to read because it's more succinct and to the point.

Here's a sentence that repeats a word close together:
Waving my arm over my head, I wished – not for the first time – that I was taller than my five feet, and I grew increasingly impatient as he continued to search over my head.
I like the action of this sentence and the sentiments expressed, but it could use a little fine tuning. See that 'head' is used twice in this one sentence? That's something to be avoided if possible. Try to express what you mean by pushing yourself to come up with another way of saying it. Try something like: Waving my arm over my head, I wished - not for the first time - that I was taller than my five feet, and I grew impatient as he continued to overlook me.

You've got just a few run-on sentences scattered throughout, but what I noticed more was the lack of commas. Punctuation has never really been one of my strong points, so I'm not the best person to tell you where to put them, but I noticed the lack of them in your work because of the long sentences. In general, a long sentence isn't taboo or anything, but it needs to be constructed in such a way as not to make your reader notice it's length more than the ideas you're trying to get across. I have trouble with that too. I've always written really long sentences. It's like I can't seem to let the idea end without putting all my knowledge into the space between the capital letter and the period.

I'm not sure what kind of school they're at - is it a private school with lodging and such? Perhaps give the reader a little more setting detail - not a lot, just a little. All you'll need are a few specific details. Think about it. I'd also like to see a little more detail about what Riley and Bekah look like other than their heights. I mean, it seems that the only person in the story that the narrator seems interested enough in to give a descrip is the new guy. I understand that... donno, on second thought, maybe it's part of the characterization of Bekah. I mean, the reader's looking at things through her eyes and Riley's so familiar that she doesn't really see him any more. Perhaps you can play on that a little later in the story - something could happen to make her notice what he looks like. And a general description of her would be easily done as she checks her reflection in anticipation of seeing the new guy or something. Just some standard things - hair, clothing - doesnt have to be specific.

And just so you know, the thought that kept ringing in my mind as I read this was that this kid's definitely a talented writer. I hope the comments I've offered encourage you to keep going. You have a good way with words and with some practice and just a little training, I'm sure you'll continue to blossom. Good work.

Happy writing,
Jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
87
87
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Noticed a few technical things right off the bat (like the misspelling of accompanied in the first paragraph) that tossed me out of the story before I got going good, but you've got lots of wonderful stuff in there. I liked so many of your word choices and image descriptions that I'd be hard pressed to tell you which one was my favorite. All you need is to refine the technical stuff a little - you know, spelling and other such grammatical things that generally come the more you write. But you know, I believe this story has great potential. Keep going on this one if you want. I like the action (it was pretty clear/logical), and I very much liked your writing style - it feels fresh and alive. I like that you don't make it easy for the guy to get away too.
Let me know if you revise it to fix the technical things. Once they're fixed, I'll come back and change my rating. I give you full marks for creativeness and the basic story, but had to be honest about the overall being weighted by the technical problems.
Enjoyed it. Keep going.

Happy writing,
Jen
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88
Review of June's Here  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the slice of life you've got going here but want to hear more. Since it didn't win the contest, why not develop the characters a bit more. I like that I can't quite tell if June is 'real' or if she's imagined, but the characters are interesting enough that I'd be willing to read more about them.
Happy writing,
Jen

just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
89
89
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful, resonate imagery. I like the characterization and the way you've used this free structure instead of a lineated poem form but am thinking that if it were lineated and had boundaries like the masks speak of the form could further the conceit. Donno what I'm talking about. I like the way it is whether you decide to change the form or not. Good job.

Happy writing,
Jen
Little sketch dude-ed up on the computer
90
90
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Creapy as all get out, but good form and interesting word choices.

Keep writing,
JT
91
91
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Returning the favor.

Overall Impression:
Interesting. The intro roped me in fast - it was one of the best intro's I've read in a while. Story has sentence structure and other such grammatical stuff that will need editing later, but the basis is creative. Setting is vivid and well established throughout. I had to re-read some of the action at the beginning of the story to get a clear picture of what was happening - that could likely use a little clarification. Could be that there are too many details being added and not enough clear action or something. Cant quite seem to put my finger on it. Could have been the repetition of words close together distracted me... I'm just not sure.

My favorite sentence:
"The hairs on the back of her neck prickled a warning..." Great verb choice! Great mood setting with that sentence. Good job.

Editing comments:
The part about when she first touches the black orb is confusing - an unclear jumble. Though I like the concept, that part could use some clarification. Perhaps just write the action, then add a little detail back in. I know the character is getting a sensory overload, but I, as the reader, got one too. I do like the way she counters the dark with light - that's a great (though not new) concept as it's the way Christians 'renew [their] mind' by crowding their old thoughts out with new ones.

There are several minor grammatical things that would be taken care of with a few editing passes but overall I think this is an interesting story with interesting characters, though I don't feel connected to them enough. I have a hard time identifying with any of them early on and I dont know about most readers, but when I don't connect with a character within the first five or so pages of a book, I do not usually finish it. Perhaps by adding some ambivalence, some flashbacks or something that would make a character or two seem more real to a present day reader could help.

I thought the way the characters were introduced was interesting. I'm not sure if it works here or not - maybe that's what made me not identify with any of them right off - that they lived in their own little worlds and seemed separated - not a part of the same story for some reason.

That first exchange of words - when Katanna asks Atean about why he came with her and he gives her this long seemingly uncharacteristic explanation of himself... well it seemed a little strange that he would tell her in the first moment he speaks to her that he would go to the end of the world to help her - admired her? Yes. Felt strong enough to say that he'd go to the end of the world? Not yet. Not for the 'strong silent type.' That's the first impression I got of him - perhaps the first meeting should be just a tad different so that when he hops into conversation it seems natural for the character. Generally, those kinds of strong silent guys say little but are full of action - their glances say things, they are full of bravado. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens on this journey they're on. The story is much more interesting and flows better now that they're on the journey and it's clear that she's fighting the effects of the orb. (Kinda like Frodo and the ring or something... makes me wonder how many 'friends' she's going to pick up on the way.)

I'm going on to read part two.

Keep writing,
Jen
92
92
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ha - funny stuffs. I love the creativity expressed here. Thought I'd come in and return favor and am glad I did because this made me laugh.

Happy writing,
Jen
93
93
Review of Untitled  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi again,

This is interesting - just a few suggestions.

For the punctuation:
In paragraph one, the quotes and comma need to change places before 'are' and in paragraph two, the comma and quote needs to change places before 'I' and at the end, the period and the quote needs to change places. Do you read a lot? Notice in books how punctuation is used in dialogue and after a while of consciously noticing, you'll get the hang of it in your writing.

Also, the last paragraph seemed a little choppy. I loved the sentiments expressed - especially the line about him never answering his cell phone again. I wasn't sure what 'but living my life' meant, though. Maybe phrase it something like: "I felt like crying but I couldn't allow myself to. I could not afford to show weakness."

I think it'd be great to see these ideas developed more. This piece is very short and I want to know more. You did great drawing me in - just use some of your imagination to flesh the story out a little so that your readers will have a better frame of reference - maybe go into a flashback about something the narrator and her 'homeboy' did together or something they laughed about or something they shared together. Let us get to know these characters.

Good start. Keep going.

Happy Writing,
Jen

just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
94
94
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi *Smile*

Thought I'd return the reviewing favor. And... as for your saying that you 'arent very good' I have to disagree. You've got great ideas, and with a little practice your writing will improve.

Ok, as for this piece. I rather liked the idea you were working with. I like the words you chose. There were some issues, though. I'm not sure about the elipses. There's an automatic pause at the end of each line. Sometimes I use a comma to further slow the pacing, but I think that perhaps using as many elipses as you have was a little more distracting than mearly just a pacing device. I liked the one at the end, just think that to be less obvious, thin out the ones used in the rest of the piece.

I noticed a few other things, like the use of 'their' twice in the second line. Maybe delete the first 'their' and leave the second one? Here're a few other suggestions about linerization, wording and punctuation:

People sit and wonder
About troubles in their lives -
The guilt felt, so many pains taken,
Stabbing like a knife
Cutting through hurts and fears,
Exposing what is real...

Through all thoughts,
And all pains,
And everything felt
It's nothing but a mystery
Not difficult to hide joy
Throughout a world of pain,
And peace, throughout the grime... ((my favorite line))

Love and joy are hidden,
Somewhere deep within minds.
Nothing obvious or easy,
Working hard to try and find
Somthing good and something true.
Throughout the anguish, and the fear
Something buried deep within,
Hiding, underneath our tears...

I took out all the 'our's and 'we's except for the last 'our' thinking that it somehow streamlined the poem a little better. And the use of 'painstakingly'... I didnt really understand what that meant. But anyway, I hope this helps a little and that it doesnt feel like I'm telling you how to write your own poetry or anything. Take it or leave it, they're just suggestions from my viewpoint. I think you've got great potential. Just keep going *Smile*

happy writing,
jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
95
95
Review of Disorder  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Returning the reviewing favor. *Smile*

This poem is powerful. So... human and amazing. I love so much about it - the emotional quality, the linerization (especially for lines eight and ten), the things chosen to focus on... it's all so nice. I cant say enough good things about it.

happy writing,
jen
Little sketch dude-ed up on the computer
96
96
Review of The Strong Abide  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
...

I agree with all the others - this is a powerful piece. I... um, wow, there's so much in this poem. Not only is the structure great, line breaks strong and the rhythm and rhyme scheme solid, the narrative is such that I dont really notice anything except for the story it tells. My mouth was open at the end. I cant imagine anything like that ever happening to me or anyone I know - and then getting over it in such a positive way... only God can be responsible for such a thing.

Thanks for a great reminder of how powerful God can be.

jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
97
97
Review of The Kit  
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oh come on, I want to read more about this. I like this character and the friend is funny. That characterization about him always having a beer in his hand was amusing and told me a lot about him.

Anyway, I liked this one much more and couldnt help but giggle at some of it. Great work.

happy writing,
jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
98
98
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi

I thought this was a pretty solid piece. I like the way it sounds when read aloud. Something about the lyrical almost predicable flow from line four to line five and the repetition in the first four lines... I liked it - a nice read.

happy writing,
jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
99
99
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi

Interesting story. I'm not sure of some of the stuff near the end - what it actually meant. It was kinda of coded wasnt it? I mean, the words were figurative... right?

I've always enjoyed stories that are set in midevil times. Something about the grungy masculine guys running around in chainmail and poet shirts fighting for women's hearts in some form or fashion... Anyway, I enjoyed this read.

happy writing,
jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
100
100
Review by JustTurtle
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi

Yeah... so, an unfinished poem about Pooh? Just the title drew me in. It's funny, though I doubt it's really supposed to be. But I definitely like it. As for the poem itself - I'm thinking that you're not speaking of Winnie the Pooh. I mean, who would the bear be speaking of if he is the narrator of the poem? Any way you look at this piece it's amusing for me. I very much enjoyed it even in my ignorance.

happy writing,
jen
just a little image to go with my signature with my pen name on it
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