You have a wonderful way of making silly, everyday family life into some extraordinary. I lived in Wyoming when I was younger and I can relate to the steep roads with sheer drop offs, scary stuff.
What I Like:
I like the way you tell your story, as if you are speaking to just one special person, your reader. You have a wonderful talent hon. Good job!
What could use some work:
I saw nothing I would change.
Overall:
Great little piece of Americana.
Final Notes:
This is your work. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best. I have only given you my opinion. You can take what wish from it.
If you could, would you want to live forever? by Alexander
I found this item through the requested review page. It had an interesting premise.
What I liked!.
I liked the concept of this story. A man finds a cure for all diseases and a reverse of the aging process. He basically does a pro vs. con as to the effects of his discovery.
What could use some work.
When you are writing any story that has to do with cellular manipulation you really need a strong background in science or at the very least you need to do some major research. The science in this story was very weak.
Also, I honestly felt that the reaction of the man was far fetched. Maybe that was just me, but if I had discovered a cure for everything and that same cure reversed the aging process... well, I would be jumping around like a crazy person!
You really should go over your sentence structure. I noticed that throughout your story you had short, choppy sentences. This made it hard to get comfortable while reading. I would read a few words, stop - Read a few more words and stop again. Toss some comas in or just leave out some of the short extra sentences.
Overall impression.
You have a really interesting idea. I think with just a bit more thought to sentence structure and some background research into cellular manipulation you would have a really good story.
The above critique is my opinion. By no means does this mean that I am right. Feel free to keep what works for you and toss the rest.
First Impressions:
Great comedic timing! Birdwatchers hole up in a cabin to wait out a storm while terrorized by a cat! Good stuff.
What I Like: I laughed because there seemed to be a fedora shaped break In the window. The hat never fell off his head. I guess all that sweat held the hat as tight as a vacuum pack. Brilliant!
What could use some work:
I saw no errors or anything that I would change.
Overall:
Funny story that deserves its beautiful ribbon!
Final Notes:
This is your work. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best. I have only given you my opinion. You can take what wish from it.
I like the feel of this. But you are right, it seems to be unfinished. I have read this over three times and I can't wrap my head around what 'he' is supposed to be. A vampire? A serial killer? I know that we are supposed to draw our own conclusions in most poetry but I was left befuddled. I think if you put in one more stanza it might help polish it up and clarify it.
Like I said before I thought the feel of it was great. Very dark and disturbing images. My favorite part was
His voice chills and warms at once,
And I feel his soul unsatisfied.
I saw no errors and the pace was great.
Good job! Write on, and thank you so much for sharing it.
Thank you so much for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" , this review is not the final judging. There are five judges and the reviews will all be tallied.
Use of prompt & form. This months form was Free Verse: Poetry without either rhyme or a structured rhythm , although rhyme can be used if it follows no set pattern. Free verse is usually sprinkled with alliteration, metaphor and simile.
This was a beautiful poem and you used the prompt well. However I did see bit of a rhyme pattern in it, so I am on the fence with the form. That being said I enjoyed it.
Content & Imagery.
The content and the imagery were spot on and it really painted a nice picture.
What stood out for me.
But hope sprouts a new season
Small flecks of gold pierce the increasingly darkening gray.
Those that held on, no longer accused of treason.
With reliance a flower grows and the honest are the reason.
Suggestions.
None, except when asked for form poetry be sure and and read about it.
Thank you so much for letting me share your creation!
Loved this poem! Such simple things that we take for granted, those are the things that should be so precious to us! To many people don't take the time to just stop and think about the miracles that surround us everyday...
Marlena is one of the sweetest people I have met here on WDC! She is so patient and always has such uplifting, gracious things to say. She skips through my port about once a week to read a piece and just to say Hi and check in on me.
This poem reminded me of a story I hear about elves who would lure children to follow them into the woods. They whispered sweet words and would then trap the children in their world until they were old people. They would then boot them out and let them fend for themselves. Trouble is, time moved at a different speed in their world and the children who had disappeared would only be gone for a few years in ours.
I am sure that this is far from what you meant when you wrote it. I am just putting my own feelings into it. This was well written and I liked the playful quality it had, while at the same time it seemed sinister.
You are preaching to the choir sister! I had some idiot fly through my port the other day and just pass out 1.0 ratings on a ton of my stuff. I was read to spit nails, I was so upset and about five minutes from just chucking the whole thing and saying "No more!" But after I freaked for a bit I realized that people like that are just jealous and don't have a life so they do things like that in the vain attempt to make themselves feel powerful. I feel sorry for such small minds.
This broke my heart! There is nothing on this earth more important than a mothers love. When they pass on, there is a hole left that can never be filled. It seems that we spend all of our teenage years pulling away from our mothers and work so hard at being independent. But once we become mothers and then grand mothers ourselves we realize just want an integral part of our world our mothers are.
This is a beautiful tribute to your mom and I know she is so proud of her daughter.
Thank you so much for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" , this review is not the final judging. There are five judges and all reviews will be tallied.
Use of prompt & form. This months form was Free Verse: Poetry without either rhyme or a structured rhythm , although rhyme can be used if it follows no set pattern. Free verse is usually sprinkled with alliteration, metaphor and simile.
Wow... you took the prompt and went crazy! In a good way of course. However, this piece has me setting on the fence: is this free verse? It wasn't highly structured, but I did tend to see a structure to the rhyme.
Content & Imagery.
Your content and imagery were vivid. I actually saw more of a battle between armies than the battle of a flower, but then I don't see anyone on a conquest to dominate flowers... people maybe? But I did like it!
What stood out for me.
My favorite lines were:
I am here, still standing, barren waste all around,
The reaper, he has left, and I have made not a sound.
Suggestions.
You use a lot of commas. It is confusing and unneeded. There are just too many times you didn't need them and I don't want to pick apart your poem. Also, you have to decide: Capitalize each sentence, or only capitalize the first letter of a new sentence. That detracts from your words.... which were great!
Thank you so much for letting me share your creation!
Okay... you are a sick and twisted human being... I appreciate that! I hear the proverbial adage... 'What a tangled web...' If only she had stayed at the party... If only she had driven herself home and not gone with Smitty... If only she had stayed home and said 'No' to the party... It just goes to show you that you can't trust anyone!
Good story, with a big twist... I knew the guy was in the back seat... but I didn't expect the guy who tried to help her to be a killer... great twist...
I just have one question... what in the H-E-double toothpicks is a 'Black Moon'? Is it like a Moon Pie?
Good story hon! Off to find another one!
Hugs,
Kaya
I have a hot tub... I am wondering if my hubby would let me pre-cook the turkey in it! Isn't it strange how panic gives rise to some great ideas? I have cooked turkey in a paper bag before... you butter the inside of it, stick the turkey in and roll it up tight, using toothpicks to secure it shut.. That was a wonderful turkey.... I think I may do that again this year... I love holiday stories and when you add in hot tubs, rum and a turkey getting a warm bath... how could it be wrong?
I had to read this one... I am a sucker for the horror story. I loved the idea of the Pixies keeping a tally sheet to record their soul taking. I wish you would have told us how that is done.... I guess Pixies like to keep their soul taking a trade secret!
Poor Tara.... she messed with wrong perv.... wisdom we should all take with us! Just say NO! I can see the basement with its raspberry carpet and aqua walls... and the little rocking pony in the corner... I never knew that dark pixies when for such bright colors...
This would be a great story to build on... When she was a human? If she was once human, how did she become a pixie? Why are Vampires their only real threat? Lots of questions that can be answered!
Good job on this story hon! It was cute with just a hit of the perv factor!
Hugs,
Kaya
PLOT:Good story! But why, oh why do little girls have to become evil!? Yikes!
PROMPT USAGE:Great use of the prompt. Creepy, but great.
SPELLING/GRAMMAR:I saw no spelling errors and I only saw one tense error: Something housed within that old chicken coup called out to her with an urgency that would captivate her. You are talking about something that happened in the past... it had already captivated her...
IMAGERY:Good job with the imagery. I would have liked more 'show' and less 'tell'. What I mean is, give me more sights and smells, sounds and textures... really bring the story to life.
HOW WELL WE LIKED IT - PERSONAL OPINION:I am a big fan of the creepy little girl with the creepy doll stories! You did a good job. I think it could be a great story with just a bit of oomph!
Your rate:4.5
Good luck and I hope to see more entries from you in the future!
Wow, I thought I had already rated and reviewed this... My bad! I love the contest, it bright and happy and it just makes you glad to be there! The prompts are fun and not so specific that you are pigeon-holed into a genre or direction. Good job hon! Kaya
First Impressions:
This was such a sweet story! I found myself grinning like a loon! Great visuals.... I loved Syl.
What I Like:
What wasn't to like? The whole idea of Sandy meeting the same cherub that her Grandma had played with is adorable. Loved the way you worked the prompt into the story. I especially loved the ending with Grandma playing with Syl. It was almost bittersweet when I thought about how much we loose as we grow older. How wonderful it must be to find it again!
What could use some work:
I saw no typos or grammatical errors. I saw nothing that needed changed.
Overall:
A sweet story that I think anyone, but especially adults could relate to. A childs joy at finding a new friend and the Grandma who remembers that she once has the same one.
Final Notes:
This is your work. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best. I have only given you my opinion. You can take what wish from it.
This my friend is adorable! I had a neighbor like that, I would walk a mile in any direction just to avoid going past his house. I could see those poor kids, sitting in that tree, slapping at the skeeters and scared to come down.. great job!
Hugs,
Kaya
Wow! I have to tell you, this is the first time I have ever seen the word s p a g h e t t i f i e d! I love the imagination it took to write this poem. The visual you create is terriffic, and a little scary. I could see myself being stretched thinner and thinner, a rubber band ready to break! Screaming into a vaccum but no sound coming out.. yikes!
On a side note, did you know that black holes always consume 2% of a Universe, no more, no less!
This is a great write and I thank you so much for sharing it with me! I will be taking a longer stroll through your port, with your permission of course.
I loved this! Your words pounded out a beat that let me feel the battle. It engaged me from the first line to the last. I love poetry that tells a story and your does this so well.
I appreciated the fact that none of it sounded forced, the words flowed easily. Truly a gem of a poem. Good work.
I loved this story. I never took SAT's or anything like that... I don't think they had those when I graduated. But I can relate. I raised four of the little devils and survived numerous PTA meetings and being a homeroom mother for one of them every year..until they grew too old and asked me not to do it anymore!
Great visuals, great dialogue! I saw no errors...of course, I have to admit...I really wasn't looking that hard...I was reading the story!
This is just perfect! I think this should be linked to every person on WDC as a mandatory read. Sorry it took me so long to get to your port, but life keeps getting in my way! Darn it! I will be back starting tomorrow for Brookes Mod Review Blitz! It was a great write, with enough information to really help and not so much that you drown in words. Good job!
Blessings,
Kaya
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I lived in Wyoming when I was younger and I can relate to the steep roads with sheer drop offs, scary stuff.
I liked the concept of this story. A man finds a cure for all diseases and a reverse of the aging process. He basically does a pro vs. con as to the effects of his discovery. 
Kaya