Very unexpected. You need to clean it up in places, nothing that jumps out at me. It was a great story...I love the idea. I think you might want to change the title or maybe the info on it to something that catches the eye a little more. I have already read some things you have written so I already knew you were good. But I probably would have passed on reading it if I hadn't. It sounded like it would be a snore, and it is anything but that. Keep writing!
Good job! Good visuals. My only thought is in the sentence:
And chastise my thoughts for being thought at all
This feels confussed to me. Maybe it could be something smoother...'I chastise myself for thinking at all' or something like it. Oh...if it were me I would consider switching around:
Whew! Hello! Good job. I like the idea. I do have some suggestions. It is very long with no breaks. I saw some errors in grammer..ect. but I just don't have the energy to find them. You need to break this up into sections. You have to give your reader a chance to breath, a chance for the brain to regroup.
Hi! The idea is good, but it is a long read with no break in the writing. I would suggest going through and breaking it into smaller sections. You also have several typos, but honestly, it would take me too long to find them. :) I respect how you feel, I just think it would be more powerful if the person reading it could take a breath.
Really cute! I've been bitten by a goose before, pinches like the devil! It almost sounds like it could be a kids song... :) Good flow. Keep on writing!
God bless,
Very good... sort of sad though. I like the idea of living happily ever after..even if it doesn't happen all that frequently. :) You have a great imagination and I am impressed that someone so young can write so smoothly. It worked for me, but I hate to think of poor old Cinderella without her prince. :)
It's like giving birth, isn't it? I loved it! In my small...neh...tiny opinion it doesn't need to be cut. But just like liver not everyone will go for it. Great job!
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