Very sad and very true! Good poem. ONce again, I would take out the written in 2000. Poems should be timeless and it almost sounds as if you writing a disclaimer... it doesn't need that. I think it can stand on its own without that.
Another beautiful poem. Great job! Oh, but in your discription, I wouldn't say Yet Another Native American theme poem. It almost sounds as if you don't like it. I would suggest giving it something that makes the reader want to come in sit down and have a cup of coffee! :)
How very sweet! See? I told you I would read your work! I really like it. I have a soft spot for the Native Americans... my children are all half Otoe...so it is important to me.
How very bittersweet! Even though you are grown it is never to late to let your mother know how you feel. If in fact this is something from your life I would print this out and give it to her. It would mean a lot. Great job.
LOL I loved it...and I can relate. My husbands brother moved in with us when he had been married less than a year. He was only supposed to stay for two weeks...two months later and he was still sitting on his fat butt. I finally had to tell my husband that either he goes, or I do. And I meant it. It still took several more weeks before he got him out...but at least he was working on it. Kudos, for a rant well deserved!
Good job. I have handicapped relatives and I know who much heartache and joy that can bring. He may not know it, but your brother is lucky to have you. This much too personal to be broken down into things you should have done. I will just review it on how it made me feel. :)
Hello and Welcome to WDC! I am going to be reviewing your story Bluegills Win! I loved this story! It reminded me so much of our swimming hole and our races that we had. You might want to think about changing your Intro Rating to 13+ instead of E as it does have a few curse words. There are some very young readers that come here and it might not make their parents too happy! Or you just might leave them out. They don't enhance your story, in fact they almost seem too mature.
I saw no grammatical errors. Your story is funny, and sweet, a reminder of the good old days. Keep up the good work.
Beautiful. And to answer your question, yes, you can still see the wonderful things. I think that seeing all the bad things makes you appreciate the beautiful things even more. :)
Wow... exciting! I really liked it. I had to read it twice so I could get the full gist of it. It is very detailed. I only have one suggestion, where you say
And so with that Jaisa touched Rathiel and he disappeared, to where no one but Jaisa knew.
I would get rid of the And. You have a very strong piece and I think it is weakened by it. I would suggest just saying:
Jaisa touched Rathiel.... To the point without a lot of extra unneeded words.
Good job. I like the idea, but it does need some work. It sounds forced, and poetry should have a flow about it. I would suggest going line by line, getting rid of every 'as' 'and' & 'but'. See how that sounds. In this case, less is more. But that is just my two cents, take what you will, toss the rest.
Am I wrong to assume with is a song? It seems like lyrics. Anyway, the first thing you have to do is change the 'Other' for your catagory. Go with what it is supposed to be. Lyrics or poetry. You will get more readers that way. Also, you need to go through it and add punctuation. You will get points taken off for that as well. It is good, don't get me wrong. I think I would know better how to rate it, if I knew what I was supposed to be reading.
Very sweet. I liked the observations and the visuals. The only problem I saw was a couple of your paragraphs are smashed together, you need to go back in and space them out. Keep up the good work. I really enjoyed it.
Not bad... you have a great idea. I have a problem with buying an elephant in the middle of the night. Maybe you could get her a puppy at a near by pet store? And offering to pay for dinner, I would assume that you were already doing that, being as you go out every Friday. Maybe you could tell her that you'll pick up the tip this time. Also, it gets a little wordy, you might tighten up the story a little bit. Other than that it was good.
Yikes, that was depressing. :) Good job. I do have one comment..I see quite a few of your sentences start with And. You should really never start a sentence with And...it is a weak word and doesn't help your story. Also...I know, I said I had one comment..Maybe you flesh it out a bit by telling your readers what he did to make her leave, besides working to much. Did he cheat? Hit? Drink? I know that I wondered that while I was reading... Anyway, that is just my two cent. :)
I have a niece that has downs..they are the most precious people aren't they? :) To bad more of us couldn't be like them, seeing the joy in everything. It would be a wonderful world.
Very informative. I've been reviewing as many stories as I can.. but then I got worried that I was doing a poor job of it. Guess I will just do the best I can. Anyway, thank you for the list. I will try to hit on all the points and see what pops. :)
Very interesting poll... I never knew I was judgemental.. though only moderatly. :) I don't know if that is a good thing or not. It took me a few seconds to figure out what I was supposed to do... that was the only thing wrong I find. For us poll challenged persons, you might put in a simple 'click this link to take the test you big dummy'
God bless,
Kaya
Wow... how very sad. I hope you don't actually feel that way. :) Good job with the overall feel. You might just try to clean it up a bit. I didn't see anything awful jump out at me.
Very good. I remember that day as well. It was everything you said and more. I think that maybe it was a little tame compared to what happened. I didn't really get a good glimpse of the carnage, but maybe you weren't going for that. I'm not an expert in poetry, I just try to go by how it makes me feel. :)
Good idea. You might want to divide it up and put some space in it. It is hard to read in just one long line. Tighten it up.... and sometimes like you are trying to hard to find words to fit. I think if you took a little time with it you could have a really good poem.
God bless,
Kaya
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