I thought that this was very well done. I don't understand why it has not ratings! Maybe people are just afraid of history? However, unlike them, I am not. I do wish it had a little more of the history in it! I love that time period and I think it could be very special with a little more info. Tell us more about the wedding, just how far out was it? Make your reader learn to love history!
Good write!
Blessings,
Kaya
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #131051 by Not Available.
First Impressions:
Oh, I would so not be dating Charlie! Such a cool customer, gives me the creeps!
What I Like:
I like the way you wrote it, an entire story in a letter. Charlie sounds like a serial killer...very calm and matter of fact about killing his gal. I know that I ever got a letter like this I would be heading for the hills! Yikes!
What could use some work:
It was a good story, but I felt that you gave the ending too soon. Just a few sentences in and I knew that he had killed her. I would have liked to feel more of a slap when I discovered it. Does that make an iota of sense?
Overall:
A very compact little story about a man who writes a letter to his 'new' girl informing her that he has offed the 'old' girl. I found no grammatical errors! Always a plus.
Final Notes:
This is your work. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best. I have only given you my opinion. You can take what wish from it.
Good grief! Do you have cameras set up in my house? Cause sister... I am a card carrying member of this club! I have felt like a slug for the past couple of days... must be the doldrums... lol That's what I am going to tell my husband when I decide not fix dinner tomorrow night. And if he gripes I will blame it on you.
How cute it that. It was short so I based it on how much came through despite its shortness... I liked this a lot. I have spent years looking at those little faces on the windows. Good job.
The Tides Of Life (13+) A woman is found dead and her attempt to write an autobiography reveals the reason #1304401 by Uday Kanth
First Impressions:
This is a sad little tale. A girls family in impacted by the Sari, a practice where the wife of a newly dead husband is killed at his feet so that she can join him.
What I Like:
I liked the story idea. I think that this type of historical story is a great way to teach others. It was interesting to see how women from a different culture dealt with thier own deaths and those of their sisters or daughter.
What could use some work:
I had a little problem with the woman who drank the snake poison to die. Unless there is a snake out there that I don't know about, you can't die by ingesting the poison. It has to be delivered into the blood stream. I would change that to some other type of poison.
Some of the writing is hard to follow. I won't go into a blow by blow about what needs to be fixed. There are others more qualified than I am to do that for you.
You paragraph indention is also off. That can be fixed by using the WritingML.help that is located right above the writing section where you place your story. Overall:
This is a disturbing story that teaches us once more the sad history of women throughout the years. Thank goodness that practice was outlawed! Thank you for sharing.
Final Notes:
This is your work. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best. I have only given you my opinion. You can take what wish from it.
What I liked!.
I enjoyed this! I felt my hand making a fist, urging you to Go! I found it to be visual, love the part about butter knives for teeth! I can't say it was upbeat . . . I felt the frustration and bitterness. It dripped off the screen and onto my keyboard! lol Good job.
What could use some work.
I would have liked this to be a little longer. I felt myself feeling the bitterness, but I wasn't always sure why you were feeling that way. I saw no grammar problems or typos. Always a good thing.
Overall impression.
A very intense work that speaks volumes about the frustrations that come with being a writer.
Okay, I liked this chapter much better. Maybe because it had less characters to follow. Not sure, but I liked it. I would like to get a bigger feeling of panic and horror. When I look back to when our towers were attacked and the pentagon and the flight that crashed in the field, I was stunned. How could this be happening? Why? I remember crying for three weeks, all the time. It just broke my heart. I would love to get some of those feelings from this. It was the most awful thing that had happened to us and on our own soil! It made a huge impact. I would like to see that here as well.
Just a thought. You can use or toss any suggestions you don't agree with. It is your work after all.
What I liked!.
Wow, can you do the visuals! I loved her sitting in the car chain smoking watching the window. My favorite line was:
Her attention, however, was intent upon the window, where a fickle light played the whore against the cheap curtains, swaying and caressing it playfully before leaping away again.
Loved that!
You really have a flare for discriptions. Good job.
What could use some work.
First thing I would suggest is change your rating to 13+. You have a few words in there that might get the rating police on your tail.
Second: You did a wonderful job with the first part of your story, but I was a little disappointed at how easily she got over being upset. Clearly the woman was dealing with a man who was cheating on her. You just don't get out of the car, have rain fall on you and ta da, you are over it. It just doesn't happen that way. Something besides rain has to happen. Maybe she hears them fighting? Does she hear the man getting screamed at by the woman, is she telling him what a jerk he is? Is he begging for forgiveness? This would make me happy if I were the woman standing outside hearing it. Do you see what I am getting at?
The entire story is well written. I would just like something more in the section where she decided that all is well. Give it that and it would be a great story.
At the end of the day it is your work and you should do with it what you feel is best. Take what you can use, toss the rest.
Overall impression.
A very visual story of a woman needing to confront a man who cheated on her. It is a good story, that could be great if it had more of a pivital moment. Thanks for sharing.
I liked the idea for the story. I found the characters, Sydney and George to be likable. I liked the dialog between the main characters and the little details that made them seem more real. Thank goodness Sydney didn't seem to be devestated by the canceled wedding, more humiliated.
What could use some work.
These are areas that I had problems with.
I had a little trouble with Mary, she didn't sound right, and I found myself thinking that the paragraph where she was thinking about her boss seemed out of place.
Overall impression.
You have the start of a good story. I can see it being a romantic, payback the ex, hook up with best friend sort of thing. Good job.
I liked this. Your input was right on the money! The format was well thought out, and it was pleasing to look at. It was informative and entertaining. I liked the different links you used in case there were questions the reader might want to look into further. Great job Brooke!
Ah, I want a baby dragon! I love this story, you are so good at creating worlds that are so normal and at the same time so different from ours. Kudos for a great read. Thank you for sharing!
Congrats on being a prize catch for the Talent Pond. You deserve it!
Wow...there is a lot of pain in this poem. I am praying that this isn't based on anything you have had to deal with. It was a wonderful poem, but so darn upsetting. It makes you stop and think 'what if' which is I think, what good poetry is supposed to do. I don't think anything could have made it better.
What I liked!.
Okay, as I said in the prologue, you have a good idea for a story. I like the idea of taking a tragedy and making it into a morality play of sorts. Having said that:
What could use some work.
You have some work to do on your dialog. It is a mess.
“Is there anything I can do for you, asked Egroeg?”
This should read; "Is there anything I can do for you?" asked Egroeg. You have done this through your entire story. You need to go back and fix all of these.
I also understand that you want to write a story based on the 911 tragedy, but I don't know if this works for me the way it is. I think if you went farther away from the actual events and just based it loosely on the events, made it more of a fairy tale it would work better. You want people to read it and say to themselves, "Hey, this reminds me of 911!" Do you see what I am getting at?
I would also like to see more character development. You throw a lot of people into this story and you don't really get to know anyone. You want your readers to care about the people. You want them to root for the heroes, hate the bad guys. I don't know enough about anyone in this story to really care about them.
Overall impression.
This story has possibilities, but it does need some work. When you have done your editing and worked on it send me a note and I will be happy to rerate this for you.
At the end of the day this is your work and you alone know what is best for it. Please, use what you can and toss the rest. Keep on writing.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1296559 by Not Available.
What I liked!.
I liked this poem. It has an interesting question. Should faith be spread freely or should we worry about offending someone? You have done a good job at defining the question.
What could use some work.
I did notice that you use the word 'and' a lot. In most cases when writing poetry you want to keep out words like that unless they are absolutley needed. I thought that most of your 'ands' are not needed. example:
"God says this" and "God says that"
and "God likes me much more than you"?
and "God sees where your heart is at."
This would read much smoother if you wrote it like this:
"God says this", "God says that"
"God likes me much more than you" (?) why the question mark here?
"God sees where your heart is at."
This is just my opinion. At the end of the day this is your work and only you know what is best for your poem. Keep what helps, toss the rest. Overall impression.
What I liked!.
I think that this could be a very good story. I know this is a prologue so I will review it as such. The writing is very visual and very unique in that is based on the distruction of the twin towers. I am looking forward to more of the story.
What could use some work.
I saw no errors. I would like to see more of sense of unease. It would help set the idea of the story.
Overall impression.
A unusual idea based on the 911 tragedy. I am looking forward to seeing more.
Dollar Bill (E) You find a dollar bill with a web address and a pass word. What can this lead to? #1297011 by tYpO/T.Boilerman
What I liked!.
Love the idea... very original. I know that this is a work in progress, so please let me know when it is finished and I will rerate it.
I would freak if it happened to me. I am already convinced that big brother is always watching so this isn't a far reach!
What could use some work.
I did find that the paragraph:
Today was Friday, and the entire business community in our town wears blue jeans to work on Fridays. Unfortunately we also know that Fridays are three times longer than any other day of the week.
I found this to be distracting as it in no way influences the story. I think that unless wearing blue jeans to work has something to do the story I would just leave this out.
Overall impression.
This is a great idea and I can't wait until you get it finished.
At the end of the day this is your work and only you know what is best for it. Take what critique works for you, toss the rest. You have been reviewed by
What I liked!.
What wasn't to like? I loved this story. The depiction of the homeless was wonderful. I don't often cry reading short stories, but this one had me in tears. Just the day in the life of Charley. It seems a small discription for such a larger than life man.
What could use some work.
I saw a couple of things nothing that can't be fixed easily:
The angel’s presence made her feel safe, well that together with the fact Charley and his son Mack still needed her. (you have Charley and Mack being father and son.... later, and before it seems that they are just friends?)
“Uh, thanks Miss Linda, its good to see you too” Charley offered his best smile.
“Did you already pick up the parking lot?” (this isn't a big deal, but readers might have trouble trying to decide who it is that is talking. You might want to check your spacing. I saw this one on several sections.)
Overall impression.
This was a beautiful, moving story. It was visual and really made me feel for the situation of anyone who finds him or herself homeless. Thank you.
What I liked!.
Wow, this story really packs a punch. No one knows how hard it is to deal with situations like this, until it is their turn. This is story was strong, dealing with some very emotional problems without sounding morbid or too sentimental. I would like to say that I enjoyed it, but given the nature of the story I can only say I found it moving.
What could use some work.
I found no grammatical errors. The story flowed well. I would have liked to see a little more emotion, a little more trouble dealing with the death. I know that everyone deals with this subject in different ways but the pain of the family felt a little flat. But perhaps that is just the way your family deals with death.
Overall impression.
This is a story about a family facing the suicide of a family member. It was well told, if a bit underemotional. Good work.
You have a good start, but I have a suggestion and a few comments. The way it is structured it is hard to read. I am assuming that you are meaning to use the old english type language. I would suggest taking a look at writing done during this period.
If you are going to use the language, then I think the only thing is do it to be true to the entire piece. Everything is jammed together, the language is hard to follow for the average reader, it is even harder to follow without clear areas.
Break up your paragraphs, space between them, give them boundries...let it read like a story from that period, not just sound like one. Also, writing in this style should have a good flow, this was a little off. I am not trying to be harsh. :) Honest.
I just think that if you want a really good story, in any language, you need to consider staying in form and writing so that it can be read.
But that is just my two cents, keep what you want, toss the rest.
Oh, I love happy ghost stories! I lived in Wyoming for several years and I know how bad the winters can be... yikes. Great job. I found nothing wrong..just a wonderful story.
How true! Life would go so much smoother if everyone could just figure that one out sooner! Toto said I would like your work, she was right. :) I love stories with morals to them. I could find no errors... of course, I was actually busy reading the story and not nit pickin!
God bless,
Kaya
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I love that time period and I think it could be very special with a little more info. Tell us more about the wedding, just how far out was it? Make your reader learn to love history!
