A simple and tragic poem. It depicts the obvious feelings felt, be it metaphor or literal, of one who has experienced having their heart played with and broken. Despite the horrible imagery of a suicide, it is an amazing look into the darkest part of love...
I love it because it is a way to express openly the feelings and emotion of all things... In this piece you did just that! It flows and transitions almost flawlessly...
I hate it becasue I wish I knew what the writer is using as motivation... but... you made this one very clear on a broad scale; leaving room for the reader to freely place their emotions in place of the speakers.
A wonderful piece that envokes a sence of all the emotions described in BOLD colors! Very nice... I can think of nothing to modify this one!
This was VERY good. I usually find it hard to rate free-verse, but yours was... GOOD!
I could not help but find that even though the lines were broke in what appeared to be a random fashion at first, make the words hit home HARDER after the second, and more so, the third time I read it!
Amazing use of descriptive words and the metaphor running consistant though the work.... Wow!
My favorite line(s):
"of a God who in the midst of our
winter; gives to us
the promise
of Spring."
I find it hard to rate on free sometimes, but what I lack in the "personal experience" department, having not dwelt where the speaker has been, I look for something to relate to.
Though broad in the description, from desperate to redeemed, then back to hurt again... It kind of confused me a little.
The inconsistency in emotion makes the second stanza seem misplaced. You convey a healing in stanza two, yet seem to slip back into pain in the third... Perhaps that is what you were going for.
Your ideas were well writen; your strong words emphasized your emotions. Perhaps swapping stanza two and three would make the transition less choppy.
I would also recommend fine tuning the flow of all the stanzas. More consistent rhythm and focus on the occasional rhyme, making them more fluid in your lines.
Over all, I would say this is an awesome beginning. I see the amazing potential in your words. Your spot on with the emotion though!
Witty and well thought out! It too, like all your other pieces, has a bolt of emotion zapping its way through the words. I am not saying this stuff because you wrote a nice review to me... You have so talent that I am actually a little ashamed of my own stuff!
I REALLY liked this one because it can relate to almost anyone!
...
I read it twice... feeling the same chill throughout the entire piece, not that the rest wasn't amazing, but the lines, "They acted in a time of trial as we would like to act, sacrificing their lives for strangers, their integrity intact." Really shook me!
This is an amazing and fitting tribute to those people who died that fateful day. It will be seared into my memory until my dying day... And this hits VERY close to home! Bravo! Very emotionally charged.
Whew! That was PRIT-TEY steamy! I usually only write and rate poetry, but I told you I would check out your work... and WOW! Some NC-17 stuff here!
The entire funny comments aside... This piece actually quickened my heart-rate and probably put a flush in my cheeks! Your description was amazing...
"Like a consummate musician you play me, caress me, arouse me..." I felt as if I was a voyer during this experience, or perhaps a participant... (Though I don't seem to remember it.)
I enjoyed this one in idea, but the rhythm was hard to follow in most stanzas. Most of the stanzas carried an awkwardness that was kinda' hard to pin, but as I stated before; the idea and physiological idea is sound! It feels like a structured poem that fell into free verse inadvertently. Does that make sense? I hope so, but if it doesn't, just write me and I will try to explain better! Reevaluate and revise and PLEASE let me know, I want to read the following drafts! An EXCELLENT work in progress!
This one is deep and broad. I tried to read it twice but found it TOO long and TOO broken. Please don't take this as an insult; I would love to see this one tightened up and condensed, that would make it a powerful poem. The major issues THAT I had with this piece were perhaps just personal, but...
...Long, complicated, and with little rhythm. The rhyme scheme is inconsistent and made for a choppy read, the inconsistent stanzas leaves something to be wanted. I recommend breaking up some of the MASSIVE ideas and making one or more smaller poems, perhaps a series of poems showing the evolution of the path you have portrayed!
My rating does not reflect the fact that this is a truly heart wrenching poem of anticipation and loss. I read this one 3 times and found the sperratic punctuation to be a little distracting. Stanzas 3, 4, and 6 felt a little forced in rhythm and rhyme, (perhaps the rhythm took away from the rhyme) but with a some tweaking, that could be fixed. Please don't be distracted, I would be very interested in reading further versions of this piece and its great potential! Thanks for sharing your heart here!
This was a VERY good poem, though it seemed it could possibly have been two poems... By no means am I trying to take away from the message of this poem!
One thing though, in the fourth stanza,
"true wisdom
add much love
all comes from
up above"
Did you mean "add much love," or "and much love." It would just seem to make more sence... My only other suggestion would be to smooth out the transition from the birthday into the later part of the poem, somehow intertwine the two segments...
Not a bad poem. Free verse it sometimes VERY hard to rate/review. I feel this poem has personal undertones, but the flow is a little choppy and hard to follow in the last line.
That is just my opinion though, I did not DIS-like this piece, I am only trying to give you SOMETHING to take away from this.
and it would appear your writer friend may have been right about it being had to do... but you did do it. One question that is bugging me though... In line 24, "e-Xtract a grudging smile," What is with the spelling of the first word... Inside joke or something?
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ... Yes, you covered every letter of the alphabet AND... AND mind you, were able to maintain a flawless rythm and rhyme! I have kissed you ass with every review I have writen, but it is true... you are not truely a writer. Perhaps a Doctor would be more appropriate. Dr. Ben Langhinrichs, PhD. Or something like it. Again, perfect!
Yes, sir! Amen to that. It appears most your work is for contests and as it goes, you keep doing what workds. Your sonnets seem flawless, and since that works so well, you keep doing it. THATS NOT BAD, BY ANY MEANS! You have inspired me to begin looking into the genra of shakespearean sonnets! Again, wonderful work.
LOL! Great scheme, great rhyme, great humor... just down right GREAT! I am finding it very hard to find things I DON'T like or would suggest for your poems. Am I blowing smoke? Perhaps... But there are so few writers of your caliber that are worthy of such a smoke screen!
What can I say? You obviously know what you are doing, not only creatively, but with your knowledge of poetry. I took an excelerated into to poetry which touched on all the stuff you explained at the bottom. That aside, as trivial as the subject mater may seem, you did a beautiful job! I am again impressed
First Impressions: An a amazingly dark way at looking at the winter season through the experience of a tree. I have the feeling that there is more to this than a tree in winter though, could there be some personal symbolism to this work?
What I Liked Most: The dark descriptions and vivid picture you were able to portray through your carefully chosen words. Some not so carefully chosen... Read on for explanation.
Technical Issues:
In stanza one,
"Wicked painful black roots sing
stoney groping, towards unseen springs." (miss-spelling on STONEY... should be...STONY)
and in stanza seven,
"Life's song calls yet from the depths
begging you "Try to forget"
your ending rhymes don't match like they do through our the rest of your poem...
Also stanza seven, you punctuation should be
begging you, "try to forget<,><.><!>" or what ever punctuation you wish to choose.
Suggestions: I wasn't to concerned with the mix-matched rhythm because for this poem it worked really well. I would attempt to maintain the rhyme scheme you set for the rest of the poem though, else make your irregularity you rhythm.
Conclusion: Your work was amazing. I will definitely be checking out more of your stuff in the very near future. Thanks for sharing.
I really liked this poem too. It is a tough subject to accuratly portray. I think you tried again to seek a rhythm, and now that I mention it, perhaps THAT is you rhythm. You are a very talented writing. You works seem to have so much personal experience in it, that it makes it hard to rate on them! write on.
This is a beauitiful poem with only one flaw that I see. The ryhtm of this poem is a little choppy from stanza to stanza. Don't think that takes away from the powerful topic and pure "feeling" that is ozzing from this peace. I like your descripitons and understand it is a free verse poem, but it appeared you tried to maintain a rythm. Great job! Write on Char.
WOW!!! Powerful and yet so amazingly simple. The metaphor of stipping ones soul and exposing oneself so utterly is so well put. Your description is moving in such a way that you see beyond the obvious. Naked has never been so... SEXY. For the emotion and sensual descritions I give you an A++! I loved it!
Great point! Kinda' goes with the term "hold your enemies closer!" I enjoyed and appriciated this poem. Your free verse here is nice too. I normally don't rate on free verse becasue it is hard to... understand... where the writer is coming from, but having read some of your other stuff, I feel you know what your talking about and can sence where you are coming from! Write on!
Aaron Kinnaman
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kinnaman
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:19pm on May 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
