I like your second version better! That one line, "And yearned that I could be," made a significant differance in the poem.
I like the view of this poem too... It is not often one writes about the realization that the other person will make it just as they wish too... Powerful and compelling! Write on, don't change a thing.
I love metaphor... it usually takes a witty twist to make it difficult to decipher, and you did it pretty well. I like how you refer to the "death" of the flower as a "hope" for new beginings. Metaphoric free-verse! Usually I don't review free verse because it is hard to know where someone is coming from... but yours was special! Bravo! Write on!
wonderfully written. My ONLY observations are the rhythm being inconsistent... Some lines counts seem to be too long, for example:
"That ground is now hallowed, sacred and true
With the souls that we lost in that September coup."
Not that the lines are bad lines, its just the rhythm feels a little forced. 10 sylabols in the first, 11 in the next.
You maintained an excellent rhyme scheme through the whole poem, save for the lines third and fourth stanzas,
"These people who acted with such hatred and violence,
And the thousands of voices that they have now silenced.
The families now left without mothers and fathers,
Parents who now grieve for lost sons and daughters.
The brave men and women who risked their own lives,
Entered the buildings to help those left inside."
In these lines alone, the rhyme feels forced and don't follow the scheme followed through the rest of the poem.
It is a wonderful personal view of the tragedy we all remember so well. Amazing use of colorful description.
Awesome subject matter, but the stanzas seemed choppy. The one line that really bugged me and felt completely forced was...
"Which carries so much love that it freaks me out,"
...I understand who and what you are writing about, though, it is breathtaking even if it is choppy! You try to sound... epic and biblical and then through out the "it freaks me out," it and a few other lines just don't seem to fit... completely.
Very interesting poem. I like how you used some variant of the word "poem" at the end of every line, and progressively made each line longer up until line five where you spun it back down again! I get ninty-five percent of this poem I think, and I know I am probably looking TOO deeply into this one! Keep it up!
Anger. This is the emotion you were talking about in your reviews of my work, isn't it?! Raw and harsh. don't get me wrong, I LIKE IT! I am not what you would call a... softy. But unlike a lot of my brothers in arms, I have never fired my weapon in anger. I have smacked a troop or two around, but you know we always treat those closest to us better than strangers! Why did I bring this up? Because I can relate to this poem on a personal level, feelings of rage so pure... Oh yes, you hit it on the head with this one!
Ah, yes... I feel this one! My babies are still... well babies, but I watch my daughter blossom and know she will soon be gone... Your free verse is awesome. You ability to color such a vivid picture in so few words really shows your talents! Keep writing.
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Beautiful free verse. Normally I don't like to review and post on free verse because it is so hard to evaluate the "human emotion." I would not change much in this one though. I can feel your emotions, (minus the fact that I feel this way about boys) as the person of your dreams quickly ascends upon you, engulfing! The only thing I would even suggest is shorten up some of the longer lines, they slightly damper the effect of the poem itself! You have real talent, Riley!
Aaron,
P.S. Perhaps you wouldn't mind lending me some of your talents and taking a look at and reviewing a work or two of mine?! I would be honored!
I like your subject matter, but unfortunately for me, it felt forced. For example, your rhyme scheme... the forced rhymes of "field" and "real." feels... harshly forced, and in the line, "And how the whales leaven," doesn't make scense to me... Did you mean leavING? just in a slang type sound? because if I am not mistaken, "leaven" means to cause rising, like yeast in bread... I don't think that is what you ment.
So for me, it is the forced feeling of the choppy rhythm and rhyming... And I only say that becasue it feels like you tried so hard to make a traditional rhythmic, rhyming poem. Free-form or revise are my suggestions. Great subject matter though. Idea, concept, and skills seem to be sound to me!!! Please, keep writing, and don't be offended!
Short... Sweet... Extremely deep cutting. This one is powerful, and as close to perfect as someone can get. I especially like your description of inner turmoil over the downward spiral into (what I can only imagine is) deep depression. I actually have no suggestions for this one; except for... do more like this one!
Wow! There is so much depth to this free-verse poem! I am really impressed! I especially like how you explained the situation taking place twice, and having the fortitude to resist, yet yearning to experience the "secret." I liked the deep mystery and desire within this poem, and wouldn't change a thing! Bravo!
Crimes of the father eh?! It really does effect more than just the one serving, thought your poem here does not touch on how the prision sentence effects THEM so much, you hint at the fact the feel wronged somehow. Your words and scheme are amazing, I loved this poem, and even thought I cannot relate to the idea of being in prision, you effectively describe the somber feeling of a day like Fathers Day, and how it effects those inside. Bravo!
I have to say I was having a hard time following this poem the first time through... but that was quickly lost as I reached the end line! WOW! You did wonderfuly touching on a life that we all wish we could have back, that of our youth. And the envy we feel looking upon the CURRENT youth before us! Bravo! I really like this poem!
This poem made me laught out loud! How entertaining! I think you hit this one on the head too! Though, I believe "My Knight in Shining Armor" was much more emotional, you were really able to embrace your comedic aspect here! It is very well written and fun to read!
Bravo, Jewel! I came here too look at your work, since you were kind enought to critique mine, and I have to say I am VERY impressed. This poem stirs emotions of yearning and envy! I am so happy you can take a subject like this and make such a beautiful piece out of it! Thank you for sharing this one!
wonderful show of emotions here! Where as I normally look at rhythm as a determing factor in rating poetry, yours is a true testiment to free verse! I love the begining and ending lines, leading into and maintaining the perfect moment! Bravo ma'am! I loved this poem!
Your rhyme scheme is awesome and your thought process and progression are top notch, my only consern is your rhythm. some lines hold eight sylabols the the next six... it makes it kind of choppy. Again, I don't want to take away from the emotion or deflate the power of this wonderful read, yet sometimes even the perfect pair of pants need ironing! Keep at it. Thanks for sharing!
Don't think my rating has anything to do with your subject matter, I commend and appriciate your faith and how important it obviously is to you. The things I saw was the rhyme scheme was a little weak in the first two stanza's, and the 'bouncy' sylabols made for a 'rough' read. It was a beautiful poem as far as you heart and intentions, just work out the kinks and you could easily have a 5! Keep at it!
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