"Given by God's graceful lips"
That's poetry! The Good:
Demonstrates wondrous imagery. Excellent use of mythic elements and comparison. The Not So Good:
The punctuation is somewhat inconsistent. Example : If you put a period in one place you should put one in all such places. It's a matter of following your own rules for the piece.
You seemed to lose your structure and flow in the last stanza. I Suggest:
"Dark abyss beyond. Then before me," This line seems long and/or awkward. Consider making the second part the next line, cutting the original line and/or cutting this piece completely.
"Dark abyss" seems out of character compared to the rest. Consider changing it. Finally:
This poem is a 4.5, in spite of the other things, because of the beauty of most of it.
There are good elements in the last stanza leaving it open to be redone or cut. This poem is so close to a 5. Keeps writing ones just like it.
The Good:
The last stanza is first rate. And you have quite a few truly inspired rhymes in here. The Not So Good:
Lines 5-8 and 13-16 have good rhymes and meter, I just don't understand them and they seem a little forced. They don't seem to carry on the theme. I Suggest:
You may want to break this down into four line stanzas. Consider making the alchemist in line one unnamed. Add a descriptive word or two instead, making him an anonymous figure. Finally:
I you do go with four line stanzas, you should consider cutting 5-8 and 13-16, reworking them or even expand the poem, making a narrative out of it. It is a fertile subject.
There are some good lines here. This shows a knack for the craft, for certain.
A review for a review The Good:
Absolutely great. I liked the ideas the first time I read, and cleaned it up real well. Much more readable and memorable. The Not So Good:
5.0, nothing to put here. I Suggest:
The third paragraph from the end might better located before the revelation that he is dead. Finally:
Reads like a manifesto, making it a great prologue. Grabs the reader by the scruff of the neck and drags him along. Nice work.
A review for a review The Good:
Definitely a different take on the vampire hunter motif. Much more modern. The spelling and grammar are good. The Not So Good:
A couple of continuity things: The night vision binoculars are cool, but you are looking a lighted target (the party). I suppose you could switch it on and off. The point is you could have a pretty normal pair of binoculars. Also, he has night vision binoculars, but didn't spring for night vision goggles for the climb up the mountain? The climb would still have its challenges.
It's a little too convenient that six vampires just move into a hunter's home town. You should consider making your protagonist either more of an amateur or a pro that tracked the creatures from a home base somewhere else. Unless he lives in Santa Carla (Lost Boys reference...couldn't help myself ) I Suggest:
It may be too ambitious to make your first piece a first person narrative. The biggest danger is that the protagonist ends up with god-like powers of observation and knowledge. These details are better third person. Even so, you can always convert it back to first person after a draft or several, if you feel it's necessary. Finally:
This piece is little pedestrian. There isn't much new added to vampire versus hunter consciousness. You need a hook or some other device that separates it from the rest.
Your hunter needs some more humanity. There was absolutely no emotional response as he witnessed a murder. A little swearing when he pricked himself on the cactus would have made him feel more three-dimensional.
Keep at it. The writing is technically sound (that's the hard part, as far as I'm concerned). It just needs more color.
The Good:
There is a lot of lush detail here. The scope is epic and the protagonist good. The Not So Good:
You go from third person narrative in the first half and first person in the latter part.
Some of the facts of your setting stretch credibility. For instance, Ramera has some very deep things going on for a four year old. Why? How? You can break earth normal rules all you want, but give some context too.
We need commas. Here's the trick: read a sentence normally, aloud, if you feel yourself pause or take a breath, you need a comma or a period. I Suggest:
Cut, cut, cut, simplify and cut some more. You should be able to do this without losing a single thought, point or plot device. Example: "Growing up on the planet Mowan among the patient Derna was often times a real challenge for the youngfour year-old Ramera. in the four years since her birth." Most, if not all, of us get caught in the long way around trap.
There quite a few redundancies in here too. I know when I use the same word twice in two sentences or in the same sentence (unless it's for effect) one of three things are going on: A proper name? Try a pronoun. An adjective? Cut and simplify. Or just get out the thesaurus. Finally:
Use the read-it-aloud trick. I found so many of the things that need fixing, in my writing this way.
All your characters seem to speak with same tone and pace. Give them other personalities to try out.
As I inferred at the beginning, it is pretty with lots to say. Getting the ideas is often the easy part. Getting them packaged well isn't fun, but it is necessary.
The Good:
You have the "mad as hell" guy down pretty well here. Railing against everything he feels is phony, which is most of it, in this setting. The Not So Good:
You keeping going back and forth between past and present tense. 999 times out of 1000, a period or a comma is better than ellipses. I Suggest:
Read this story aloud to yourself. This is my best trick for locating all sorts of things: The correct punctuation, tense; awkward phrases, run on sentences, etc. Finally:
Tried and true concept with a new type of character. Just needs an edit and a tightening.
Write on!
This story should be used as the prime example of how to do a word limit story.
Your word choice is nearly perfect and the character study exact. Not a thing wasted. You reach the end on target, in more way than one.
I'm jealous of great this. I feel either cramped or way too short when I do these, but you nailed it.
This is awesome! All you need is an illustrator.
Only thing is you have a little girl at home while all the other children are in school. Just put her in som pajamas and mention she was home and sick and you are home free.
Perfect kids' book, well done.
This is pretty well done, and of course the twist is nice.
There are a couple of run on sentences and awkward spots, but I'm sure you'll find them if you read it aloud. The setting up needs a little more information. I can see the unknown baby part, but the missing father part needs more explanation and hints.
I love the way you made the words in this piece that don't rhyme feel like they do. I like whole mail motif. The words are solid.
You put a perfect theme down in the last two stanzas, but the first three (though with pretty lined) don't support it. I would cut it down to the great lines and reweave them a bit.
Overall, great feeling. Good eye for phrases.
Review for a review.
Hilarious and obviously well thought out. You got the whole 'technically challenged' millieu crammed into neat, small poem about a narrow subject.
Rhyming good and mood is a bit of a stretch, sir, but I can't give you 4.97 stars, so I'll just go with it. I'm sure you are fine with that, eh?
You made my morning. Keep up the good work.
Very nice, great scripting beginning, middle and end. I could see the setting clearly, like I was there.
There were a couple of spots when you abandoned dialogue where it was working so well. Most notably the passage that starts: On the way out of the swamp... Also, you used words like 'naught' when 'nothing' would have fit the feel of the story better.
Still, you wrote action and dialogue like champ here. Write on!
This is beautiful. I used to work at Hospital, and your lady reminds me of some I had met.
Small suggetion: You should use some of those Christmas images in the beginning (only 5 patients...). It would tie the whole story together, top to bottom.
I hope there are more of these. Would make a nice collection.
What? No mention of a Nigerian Prince?
Very nicely done. You are even keeping it up with the times. I knew most of this already, but you suprised me with a couple that I never realized. Bravo to you. You could make this into a money maker. Keep it up!
You definitely have a talent for description without extra fluff. The action and setting are solid.
The opener was kind of choppy, needs to be a bit tighter. And it seems like you expect your readers (like me) to know as much about the Wendigo as you do (we don't). So give us a little help.
Good effort and keep going!
This was solid story. The narrative pace just pulled you right along and everything was easy to follow.
Two things to look at. You seemed to spend too much time in the beginning directly insulting the lure of the gold. Your desciption of the other people's reaction to it made your point without resorting to direct attacks. Secondly, somewhere along the line, your narrator lost his folksy descriptions.
This last is just a selfish wish: What happened to all that gold he had? Did somebody find it? Just nosy...
The action and concept are good. The staging and execution all over the place.
I frequently get lost. For instance, I realize John=grandpa, but it would better if you settled on one noun or pronoun for him it would be easier.
I think the single biggest need you have is point of view. You picked Tom as your narrator, you should probably stick with him and his POV throughout. That will calm down the scenes and make it easier to follow.
This was great. An awesome 'stream of conscienceness' structure that pulls you in. I was reminded of Catcher in the Rye in the manic, yet logical stream of thoughts coming out. The words just pulling you along.
I'm just not altogether satisfied with what happened to the woman. The only bump along the way.
Otherwise a wonderful journey.
This is absolutely terrific. This is going into my favorites right now! Thanks for doing all that surfing for rest of us.
The only things I might suggest is adding some author sites. I have found many of them helpful myself as I get the opinion's right from the horse's mouth.
That's it. This is a tresure, thank you.
Very good all around. I'm impressed by how you developed the lizards' speech and behavior pattern. It's a very rich and deep milieu.
Only thing I don't see spelled out how the cows and plants got there. I'm left to assume that that the humans brought them with, some sort of colonization program. That's the only confusion.
The setting is good, and the action sound.
Pretty ominous, nice start.
Let me just get this off my chest: mice-like rodents with wings are bats, period. (In your favor, the number of bats you describe, in a group, flying in daylight, would be unusual enough for your point to be made).
I'm assuming from your prologue you are referring to the mispells and grammar problems, so I will skip those. We need a little more logic and detail about the lab. If you haven't done it already, I would suggest making a map of the lab. Doesn't have to artistic, just enough so you show things that you want in a logical spot. It make describing it much smoother.
I always suggest people to read their stories out loud to themselves. Makes it much easier to spot the construction problems.
It is obvious the passion you have for this story, very admirable.
Hilarious!
You can expand this story very easily, of course. I'm sure this character has an interesting menagerie, with a lot more hilarious adventures. You really make a sort of fictional All Creatures Great and Small with her. Also the "love of animals" childhood would provide even more fodder.
The action and interaction were all well done. As was the humor. Good effort.
Very good work. Excellent premise and solid execution. However, you know you have tons of cutting to do.
Most of it can come out of the set ups. For example, the description of his boss. We are never going to see this guy again, right? So most of it can get boiled down or even eliminated. What is happening to Brandon is the key.
Other than the set ups, all the action is very solid. You seem to have a good way of expressing how it would feel.
You have Dad & Julie down pat. Mom needs a little bit more sympathy. I would ask a mother or two to read it and get thier perspective.
I'm no expert, but this seems marketable. I wish, for your sake, the Twilight Zone was still on the air.
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