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176
176
Review of Clouds on Parade  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Very pretty and light poem. Especially good are stanzas two and three.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
One or two of the rhymes seem forced, particularly the last stanza.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Line 2: cut "As" makes it three beats, like the first line.
The poems seems to be as much about wind as it is about clouds, consider a different title.
*Peace*Finally:
Very calm and pastoral, good effort. Keep it up.


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by KC under the midnight sun
177
177
Review of Reality  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
I love doing this style of poem with the repetitive lines. You do it well. The lines have good word selection.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems be at least one word missing in line 8.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Consider moving lines five and four either to the top or bottom.
Consider going with a rhyming scheme.
*Peace*Finally:
I like these so much because they let you play with words, which you did well. Keep up the good work.

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by KC under the midnight sun
178
178
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is very good. Good characterization, good "show", instead of "tell". The prose is good and tight, with few wasted words.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
You have some spots where you flip flop tenses. You'll find them.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
There should probably be some paragraph splits around speeches. This isn't deadly.
The section at and after Kelvin's arrival seems a little long for essentially a minor character. Could be cut a little.
*Peace*Finally:
This is clean and clear. Smooth action and storytelling. Keep it up.

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by KC under the midnight sun
179
179
Review of "Father's Day"  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has an exceptionally good meter. The rhymes and rhythm are good.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
No clunky lines and the theme is sound.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Most of the jobs I've had that "just another day" feel to them. The setting here has to be infinitely worse. Play that theme up more.
The ending you makes it feel incomplete. Expand the ending.
*Peace*Finally:
A solid effort (the norm for you). Keep up the good work.

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by KC under the midnight sun
180
180
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A nice simple message about a spiritual journey. Intriguing and different word choices. An easy pace to follow, peaceful and languid.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
You seemed to have trouble deciding how to punctuate the last line.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Try splitting the last line in half. Use a semi-colon on the first and a period on the last.
Meads, den and mark are words familiar to me, but not in the way you used them. Not sure there's a suggestion, other than maybe other choices would help your audience.
*Peace*Finally:
Thoughtful quiet work. Keep on writing.


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by KC under the midnight sun
181
181
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Great images and nice flow. Stanzas one and four are particularly well done.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
I could argue with some punctuation, but not convincingly.
All your allusions are fantasy or otherworldly, except Mark Twain.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Consider an example other than Twain (I love him too, but he's out of place with the rest).
Last line: replace "dear fan." with for you. Simpler just seems better here.
*Peace*Finally:
I really like this. I spend a lot of time contemplating our chosen art too, so this poem's subject is close to my heart. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun
182
182
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
What isn't? Absolutely unique perspective on the genre. Nearly perfect pace, flow and action. The poem, and it's place in the story, are well depicted and thought out.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Most of things I would put here would be directed at a character who doesn't exist, and wouldn't care what I think of his punctuation.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
I could quibble about the point of view, but can't (see above).
You might consider adding more psychological conclusions for all the "profiler" geeks, who are your likely audience. Perhaps comparing this person a "famous" predator we are already familiar with for some context.
*Gold*Finally:
Outstanding job. I can easily imagine the rest of these stories are as good or better than this.
Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun
183
183
Review of When Hearts Bond  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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The rating assumes you had a word count limitation.
The Good:
Very educational as well as entertaining. The action and plot are easy to follow.
The Not So Good:
"Good decision, for a change, Rosa..." The sarcasm here seems out of character for the protagonist. He seems rather kind otherwise.
I Suggest:
A couple of phrasing suggestions (both near the beginning):
"There's something I want to should tell you..." and soon after: "If she wouldn't have hadn't cautioned me..".
One of the scene changes seems rather abrupt. One moment he is in his car, next we know, it's three days later. It would be better with a smoother segue or a border across the page after the section.
Some more hints that the woman has fallen in love would make the ending more logical.
Finally:
This is good work. It would have been a 4.0, but you hit that 1000 word count that I figured you needed.
This has some gaps that could been filled, once you can exceed the limit.
It's a sweet and pretty piece. Let's see some more.


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by KC under the midnight sun
184
184
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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The Good:
Starts very strong with lots of good detail. Smooth and easy to follow.
The Not So Good:
Near the end of paragraph one: The sentence which starts: "The house had been painted peach..." is awkward. It's as if you started one way, then halfway through, went another.
Missing some punctuation causing some run on sentences. Most profound in the last two thirds.
I Suggest:
Read this aloud. You'll find where the punctuation goes, plus other parts want to change and fix.
Cut and simplify. Do this by checking for adverbs and adjectives. Make certain each one is really necessary.
Also consider cutting short or out descriptive phrases. Example: "...Linda Welch asked, smoothing her short, brown hair with her left hand." Consider cutting everything after "asked". It seems to slow everything down.
Finally:
Strong start and deceptively complex. Even though it seems straight forward, I can feel a tension building.
Keep going.


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by KC under the midnight sun
185
185
Review of CASABLANCA  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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The Good:
An interesting deconstruction of the classic. With the surreal replacing the concrete.
The Not So Good:
Nothing to put here. The sparse use of capitals and punctuation actually helps the mood.
I Suggest:
line 6: cut "in", seems unnecessary.
Line 8: coals, hot coals or embers in place of "ashes". Something that would actually be "doused".
4th stanza, line 7 replace "and" with he, it refers to Sam, I think.
Finally:
I read it over a few times and got something different from it each read. It's fascinating (even "feels" like it's in black and white).
Good work. Do more.


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by KC under the midnight sun
186
186
Review of Granny Fields  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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A review for a review.
The Good:
It's all about the twist at the end, huh? Nice pace, set up and execution.
The Not So Good:
Technically "O" should be Oh and have either a ! or a comma after it.
I Suggest:
Not really necessary to have the detectives full names.
Paragraph 3: replace "retrieved" with a simpler word (I like fetched, but it's a little arcane). Cut "practically" [insert sermon on adverbs here].
Fourth paragraph from the end probably needs a break after she compliments the detectives and before she continues her story.
Finally:
Some very good "storytelling with dialog" here. Keep it up.


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by KC under the midnight sun
187
187
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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The Good:
Interesting take on the subject. Whoever thought there would ever be a surprise ending in non-fiction.
The Not So Good:
Run on sentences. No doubt the result of just getting it out of your head. With the express idea of fixing it later.
You have "starring" (as in a movie) when you mean staring (as in looking hard at someone).
Nothing else technical or subjective.
I Suggest:
Read it aloud and you'll know the spots I alluded and you find some other places that you will want to change, etc.
Finally:
Overall, a fine dissertation on the different shades of meaning in general by using a specific, narrow term.
Make some more like this.


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by KC under the midnight sun
188
188
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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The Good:
Great use of language and solid imagery.
The Not So Good:
There were a few instances of flip flopping tenses. I'm sure you'll find them on edit.
Rule of paragraphs: New subject/thought/focus = new paragraph.
There's a run on or two in here too.
I Suggest:
Read the piece aloud. You'll surely find the the things I mentioned, plus some other things you'll decide to change.
Your dad is the star. Try focusing more on him in the first paragraph.
Finally:
This is clear and well done. Just needs an edit. Keep doing good stuff like this.


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by KC under the midnight sun
189
189
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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The Good:
Many of us can relate. Some inventive rhymes and good pace.
The Not So Good:
Near the end of line 4: "villainous like" is redundant. It should either villain-like or just villainous.
Can a brother get stanzas or at least some space?
I Suggest:
Reformat this into 4 line stanzas (a-b-c-b) like so:
"Insomniacs and sleepwalkers,
and those who function on caffeine.
You have not slept for weeks,
or had one peasant dream." with a blank line between each stanza.
Line 5: cut "that".
Line 10: cut "slightly".
Line 12: change "aren't sane" to are insane.
Line 14: change the end to: why we are all so dour.
Line 17: add it after "make".
Line 18: cut "Please".
Line 20: cut "Oh no!"
Finally:
Funny and ironic is hard, but you pulled it off. Keep it up!



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by KC under the midnight sun
190
190
Review of Perfect Lilacs  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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The Good:
Excellent rhythm and imagery. The last line beautifully returns us back to the beginning.
The Not So Good:
No technical errors of any consequence noted.
I Suggest:
The heart imagery needs to more direct, more connected (sorry this seems vague, I just my finger on just the right description).
I think some mid line periods should be semi-colons, but not strong enough to suggest changing them.
Finally:
Fine effort. I could smell the lilacs and feel the pain. Write some more.



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by KC under the midnight sun
191
191
Review of The Walk Home  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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The Good:
Can't speak for everyone, but I've had walks home just like this. You described semi-sleep walking perfectly.
Great use of simile. "I walked like a schizophrenic heroine addict..." is sheer poetry.
The Not So Good:
Do not fear the period! I would say most of your sentences are run on.
When you describe the lady and her dog, the subject: the lady (the dog is in a subordinate clause) is the one who licks your hand.
I Suggest: Read this piece out loud. If you take a breath or feel a pause, add a period. You can always edit to any other punctuation later.
Cut, simplify and cut some more. Much of this can be done without changing the feel. Example: "It remained a person until I got fifteen feet closer. Then it finally resumed the form of a wall, and my suspicions were confirmed that was, in fact, just a wall." (extreme edit, but you get the idea).
Finally:
We all get in that zone when just want to get that cool idea out of our head. Then the real work starts.
As I alluded to at the start some great stuff here. Now for the hard part. Keep at it.

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by KC under the midnight sun
192
192
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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The Good:
This has some very imaginative rhymes. The plight is clear.
The Not So Good:
The meter is inconsistent and the last couplet is a little off. You are missing some punctuation. You don't necessarily need it at the end of the line (it actually works here) but within the line it's still advised.
I Suggest:
Much like any other writing, trimming will help. Example: "Silent and graceful, they enter my space
I suddenly awaken to see a terrifying face" This serves to even out the lines while still getting your point across.
In the last couplet, consider flip flopping the lines. The theme of poem is the dread he feels, and this will help.
Finally:
I admire the fact that you are so into your story and characters that you wax poetic about them. That's a sign that you really are committed.
193
193
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: E | (4.0)
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With the understanding you had a word count target of 300.
The Good:
This is brilliant. Nice job with flow and the action. First rate idea.
The Not So Good:
Everything seems technically fine. No continuity problems.
I Suggest:
First sentence: use vein instead of wall.
The stuff about the radio could have been cut in favor of more ideas about how to get it home and/or lamenting how the government would get it all. Might have made that news blurb a little longer.
This story could easily have been almost entirely dialog.
Finally:
This could, of course, be a much longer story. Adding all things I mentioned before. A third crew member means more conflict and interaction. Naturally adding more detail to what you already have. A whole list of directions to go in, from comedy to tragedy.
Nice story, keep it up.
194
194
Review of Choking  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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The Good:
The whole thing!
But seriously, best free verse I've seen here. The second multi-line verse was truly inspired.
The Not So Good:
That I didn't write this.
I Suggest:
Nothing to see here, move along.
Finally:
As a recovering addict myself, this made my day. Choking is only an addiction if breathing is...
Hat's off. Keep this inspired silliness up.
195
195
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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The Good:
This has a good flow, setting and easy to follow action. The dialog is nearly perfect for your purpose.
The Not So Good:
Solid execution technically.
I Suggest:
Work his accent into his speech, as well as more idioms. It will enhance the mood.
I can't believe you missed a golden opportunity to use "I don't drink...wine."
I just can't image a medieval count saying "wannabes".
Finally:
(I realize this means starting almost all over, but) This cries out to be a first person narrative from Rosie's point of you. You did well from the start letting us know what he is. Rosie missing all the clues would work so well. She would, of course, never expect to be on guard against them.
Overall, great effort. You are good at this.
196
196
Review of Moonlight Wood  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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The Good:
This is really cute. For what you set out to do, it's nearly perfect.
The Not So Good:
Nothing to put here.
I Suggest:
You should consider adding a magical creature that got nothing. I know there are many. They could either be whining or proud that they were not commercialized.
Finally:
I like it. Some of what you mention reminds me my childhood.
197
197
Review of The Last Day  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review for a review
The Good:
Well done story with a good message. The action rolls along and is easy to envision and follow.
The Not So Good:
There were a few missing words and some missing punctuation. Proofread it aloud and I'm sure you will find them.
I Suggest:
Cut and simplify. Look especially for extraneous adjectives and adverbs. They have the effect of slowing down the action and the general flow. We all too often get trapped in this desire to be elegant. We just have to be vigilant.
Finally:
Reminds a bit of the world of Soylent Green, with it's secretive, yet seemingly benevolent government. The message is interesting and clear. Write some more like this.
198
198
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Good:
It is certainly action-packed. The actor's personalities are well presented without resorting to dry description.
The Not So Good:
There are a few spelling errors (no, not the -our words) and the occasional punctuation mark out of place, but I'm you will find those.
I Suggest
There are a few spots were you can cut and simplify. Example: "Samson shrugged his shoulders and turned. Now both siblings were facing their mother. to face his mother again. Felicity also focused on the older woman."
Most of this reads more like story than prologue. Consider giving us a paragraph or two on the legend of the Breach and the two primary types of ships at the very start.
I would think the Breach should be capitalized in all instances, being a character and all *Bigsmile*.
Finally:
This family is not at all pleasant to each other. Mother has no faith in any of her children. Samson calls his sister a bitch and his brother a bastard (the latter to his mother's face). If this is good or bad, I guess the rest of the story will tell.
Like I already stated, nice fast start. These sort of steam punk stories are always fascinating and ambitious projects. Good luck and keep writing.
199
199
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: E | (4.5)
The Good:
Nice and creepy start. Smooth and very easy to follow without being simple.
The Not So Good:
Not much to put here.
I Suggest:
Consider weeding out physical setting details and adding more story details in the first two chapters. What devious plot lured the little girl lured into the creature's grasp?
Tiny thing: Might be too early to name the "teleportal orb" in the second paragraph, leave it a mystery to be named later.
Finally:
We don't don't get to meet the parents?? (Knowing them might make it more obvious why their son is so competent later...).
Great start keep working on it.
200
200
Review of Mask  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Good:
Verses 1, 3, 6, 7 and the ending couplet are first rate. Nearly flawless execution.
The Not So Good:
I verses 2 and 4 the end rhymes seem forced (although I can't shake the feeling that "lout" has some definition that I don't know of).
Verse 5 seems out of place.
I Suggest:
Regarding verse 5: Consider either cutting, reworking or merging it with another verse.
In the last line of verse 6, consider cutting "upon him" grasp finishes the rhyme.
Consider replacing the word "health" in the last line of verse 7 with "sanity", it fits you theme better and it enhances the rhythm. (I don't usually like to sugget replacements).
Finally:
This is good stuff. You can see and feel the individual.
Keep up the good work.
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