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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
There is smooth writing and good dialog here. The scene and setting are good. The little details are decent.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There are a few more paragraph beaks needed. Where there are direction changes and a couple of places where there is dialog.
While well written with decent internal conflicts, there is no real plot. This is mostly due to a lack of background.
The technical parts are fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Make a biography of each of the characters, even the ones in the flashbacks. Then consider which details warrant including to make a plot. The female protagonist for instance. This makes allusions to her true nature and profession, but there is no real in-depth details to demonstrate why she is the way she is.
*Peace*Finally:
This is fine prose, but the whole thing has too many holes to be considered complete. Right now this is a character study in search of a plot and meaningful conflict.
This piece does show a good command of style. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
52
52
Review of Once Loved  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has heart and a good flow. The scene and setting are clear with good detail. It comes to a satisfying conclusion.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There is one redundancy in particular, sentences starting "She imagined..." a few times in a row. The first established it well enough.
There needs to be paragraph breaks when speaking occurs; real, imagined or remembered.
The story follows a good chronology and makes sense.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Not only the paragraph breaks already noted, but others through the text. Any direction direction change. The white space will make it easier to read, let the scenes sink in and will improve the flow.
*Peace*Finally:
This is an emotional piece. Open it up a little, letting it, and the reader, take a breath. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
53
53
Review of Captain Seth  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great narrative with superior language and excellent rhyme. It seems well aged though not old. It gets to the point and never lets go.
There are a handful of rhythm bumps, but fixing them wouldn't improve this. Seems fine technically and is in seamless order.
I might suggest splitting those longs lines, but again, wouldn't improve it.
Bounces along like a fine shanty. Well done, write on.
54
54
Review of When I Die  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Has a consistent mood appropriate to the subject. The flow is good as are the rhymes. The last stanza is solid.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The rhythm is just a little off (easy fix).
Otherwise clear technically and has a very good progression.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
This needs a good trimming, mostly adjectives (like "black" in line two). These and other small word cuts, while retaining the sense of the line, will not only give it rhythm, but lessen the passivity as well.
*Peace*Finally:
Make that last stanza your blueprint for editing. Well done; write on.


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by KC under the midnight sun


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55
55
Review of Tell me will you?  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Imagines the frustration of the situation well. Has good rhymes and pace. Follows the theme well.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Lines seven through ten shatter the rhyme scheme.
The rhythm is sporadic, at best.
The content seems logically constructed.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Lines seven through ten might make a serviceable ending, but cutting them would be better.
Split this up into couplets or stanzas.
Edit with an eye to making the lines of uniform length and/or making rhythm better.
Examples:
"When the day and the night feels the same to you"
"And every smile that you paste on your face
will run away in a second without a trace"
Cuts like these will also lessen the passive feel. All without losing the point of the respective line.
*Peace*Finally:
This has good heart and feeling, just polish it up a bit. Write on.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
56
56
Review of Insomnia  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is a different take on the curse of insomnia. The ideas and imagery are eclectic, but good. It is relatively easy to follow.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Needs a few paragraph breaks, at least. Some sentences run-on and need to be trimmed or split.
Seems fine logically.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Use a less specific reference for your vision of the woman. That haunted look is pretty universal.
Parts of this are lyric already, wouldn't take much to make poetry of it.
*Peace*Finally:
A somewhat deranged (in a good way) story with promise. Just needs some structure, straightforwardness and maybe expansion. Nice work; keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
57
57
Review of Miss You  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has very good rhymes and an excellent theme. The flow is good and it expresses it's ideas well.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems solid technically and logistically.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Line two needs one more syllable to perfect the rhythm.
Line four, while a good sentiment and rhyme, feels a bit awkward when read aloud.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a good, solid verse. Nice work; write on.


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by KC under the midnight sun


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58
58
Review of 11 Days In Hell.  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
There is a lot of heart and feeling here. The flow is good and the details are solid. The setting and action are sound.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Needs more paragraph breaks. As much as many more are necessary as the white space will help with keeping up with the story.
Lots of little punctuation and language problems (should be "barbed wire"). A read aloud edit will help find these.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
You should note details of the room out front instead of as an afterthought.
As it is acknowledged to be incomplete, most suggestions will probably be addressed later.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a good start. Welcome and keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
59
59
Review of Dead Steps  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Has a good portrayal of a descent into madness. The flow, rhythm and rhymes are solid. It is loyal to the theme. It shocks with the contrast between the calm voice and the murderous reaction.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
A tiny thing: end with a period. Otherwise clear of technical and logical problems.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Could go on, of course. The speaker and try to find a new scapegoat or descend into a new kind of madness realizing what he has done, now that rationality takes over.
*Peace*Finally:
Keep thinking of the Tell-tale Heart while reading this, probably the nod to Poe in many of the verses. This is well done. Welcome and write on.


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by KC under the midnight sun
60
60
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This piece bounces along with a flowing pace and solid dialog. The details are good as are the characterizations. The opening section is really good and in the right place.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There's the odd punctuation problem (like we all encounter), especially mid-sentence. Nothing dire.
Seems fine subjectively.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
There could be a short explanation of the age issue. Something comparative.
I think I know why summoning the doctor is so ominous. Something brief to make it obvious would seem to help.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a fine start. The little mysteries are intriguing. Welcome and write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
61
61
Review of The Kings of Old  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
There is no lack of good detail in this. You show the differences between the brothers very well in the dialog. Right down to the vocabulary. The pace is good and the explanations pretty clear.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There are some small grammar problems, missing end quotation marks, tense, punctuation, etc. You are sure to catch them as you work on new drafts.
Logically seems fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
It seems this needs paragraph breaks, more certainly in the part after the break. I'm relatively unsure about this because you seem to have a knack of finishing sentences close to the edge of the page. One of the options on the edit format screen, just below where the main body of the piece goes, is an option that allows the software to automatically double space paragraphs. I recommend choosing this by clicking the tiny check box. At least while you are working on editing it. Not only helps us know-it-alls give suggestions, but the space will make it a bit more reader-friendly too; at least for your fellow travelers on WDC who will read it for pleasure.
The parts after the break are a little easier to spot. As in the creature descriptions: new creature = new paragraph.
If you haven't done it already, there are tons of contests this would fit well in. Not only will (not could, will) you win nifty ribbons, GPs and other prizes, but you will get more eyes on this. ("Writing Contests @ Writing.Com"  there are others, but you'll have to do a little hunting.)
*Peace*Finally:
Obviously, this is well-researched and has some deep thinking involved. Welcome, keep plugging and write on.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
62
62
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This uses language and bounces along with a good pace. The rhymes are good and all is good with the theme. The rhythm is decent.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems fine in all technical and logical points.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
I always read poems aloud before rating them, and line nine is hard to speak. Perhaps a comma between "it" and "you".
Break it into four line stanzas. This will make the point sink in better and make the rhymes feel stronger.
*Peace*Finally:
This has good structure, verse and narrative. Nicely done. Make more.


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by KC under the midnight sun


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63
63
Review of Sincere  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has loyalty to theme with good use of language. The rhythm and rhymes are decent. The flow seems fine.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems good technically and logically.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Split it up into four line stanzas.
Line four: Cut "love is" and turn "you're" into you are. This will repair a rhythm glitch.
*Peace*Finally:
This is light with good heart. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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64
64
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is a well planned and researched piece. The dialog is sound and it has a good, subdued humor to it. The characters are well done and the flow is solid.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There are a handful of words that just miss and a few redundancies ("A stray lock of dark brown hair strayed..."). You can find and fix these with a read aloud edit.
Confusion occurs in a couple of spots where you don't identify a speaker.
This is smooth and orderly otherwise.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Put quotation marks around the telepathic messages.
Your descriptions "on the fly" interrupt the flow at times. Take a pause to give a couple of sentences instead.
You let a "Fed" slip when Bryce is referring to the "Empire".
*Peace*Finally:
This is a good start. Notice there are no comments regarding content. It's just technical stuff. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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65
65
Review of Desperately  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
It bounces along with a good pace and decent rhythm. The language is well chosen and the rhymes solid. Stanzas one, two and four flow best.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There are a few lines, especially the openers, that do damage to the rhythm. Use stanzas one, two and four as your templates.
The subjective parts are fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Look for small, unnecessary words to cut (like "try" in line 17) that enhance the rhythm, while preserving the logic of the line.
*Peace*Finally:
This is good verse. Just needs to be smoothed out a bit. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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66
66
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has good detail and characterizations. The set up is good and the flow decent.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Some of the word choices are a little off (ie "site" when it should be sight). The tenses get a little mixed up in spots. Read this aloud and you'll find them.
Necessary paragraph breaks are missing. Notably in one spot where "dad" is speaking. Others where you change subject or direction.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Reading it out loud is always the most productive part of the process for me. While polishing it up I get all sorts of ideas for better descriptions, dialog, etc.
More paragraph breaks will help the flow and make it easier to read as well.
*Peace*Finally:
This is nice and creepy. Just needs some polish. Keep plugging!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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67
67
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A well thought out take on an old, old story. Definitely made the point clearly. This shows good research, tone and flow. The case is made.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Has the occasional missed word ("or" when it should be of; "bath" for bathe). Read it aloud and you'll find them.
This is logically fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Break up the paragraphs some more. Some really need it, and this will make it easier to read and improve the flow.
*Peace*Finally:
Imaginative work. Create some more.


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by KC under the midnight sun


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68
68
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
An excellent example of how one moment can change a life. Obviously well researched and has a good flow. The detail is just right and the organization great.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Need some paragraph breaks. Specifically in the one spot where there is dialog.
Otherwise good technically and subjectively.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
You also need to break up paragraph one. It will let the details sink in, make it easier to read and improve an already good flow.
*Peace*Finally:
This is really well done. Looks like publishable stuff. Well done! Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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69
69
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
The flow and the rhymes are outstanding. Excellent theme which is followed closely. The rhythm is good as well as language.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Line 13 is out of sync rhythmically. Not certain if it's a cutting or punctuation solution.
Otherwise all clear technically and logically.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Line 6: Cut "To". Another rhythm glitch.
Nothing further to suggest.
*Peace*Finally:
Really nice work here. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
70
70
Review of Graveyards  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has very good imagery and solid rhymes and rhyme scheme. It is very loyal to the theme. It bounces along with a good flow and decent rhythm.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Line four is out of sync and breaks the rhythm.
Otherwise, everything is smooth and logical.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Rework line four. You should easily salvage rhyme.
Split it into four line stanzas.
*Peace*Finally:
Good job sustaining the scheme. You make it seem easy. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
71
71
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Have to like anything that links Wal-Mart with frightening.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
I'll make it three times (at least) too many syllables in line 3 (cut "the". Still makes sense).
Technically a Senryu. Same structure as a Haiku 5/7/5, but concerns human nature while a Haiku is strictly about nature (seasons, plants, etc.)
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Only one I have is above.
*Peace*Finally:
Always fun to fit a form to "real life". Go forth and write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
72
72
Review of Vision  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has good action and flows well. The details are solid and the scenes and settings are sound. The ending is well done.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
There are a handful of words that just miss: Like "fit" where it should be feat and instant for "instance".
Also, Desmon seems to have a memory of something he was too young for.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read this aloud. You will find the problems mentioned above and a few redundancies.
Many paragraphs could be broken up more. This will enhance the flow as well, making white space.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a really good story. Just needs a bit of polish. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
73
73
Review of A New Day  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a ride. One gets breathless just reading. This has an awesome pace and everything in good order. Has a good balance of language tricks (alliteration, rhythm and even some rhymes) and straightforward narration. You seem to fill out the list without missing a beat.
It's a workout to read. Good thing you like this job, eh? Write enthusiastically on!
74
74
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has lots of heart and emotion to it. It flows smoothly and has wonderful detail. The scene and setting are done well.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Ends rather abruptly.
Otherwise, everything is technically and subjectively fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Add a scene or two at the end. Some sort of summing up to tie it together.
*Peace*Finally:
A fine sketch of those often overlooked. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has be submitted for consideration in: "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
75
75
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is wonderfully manic and full of energy. Like observations from a speeding train. Has good imagery and pace. Good word choice and has heart.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Has too many apostrophes. At the very beginning and at the end. "Kin's" is the only one that seems right.
Otherwise clear of errors either technical or subjective.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Could be longer.
Could expended into a story, simply by expanding on each character presented.
*Peace*Finally:
It's like Salinger and Kerouac got together in Chicago and compared notes. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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