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126
126
Review of MOM  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is a sweet letter from mother to son. The language is decent and it's full of heart and feeling.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Needs a spell check.
If this is prose, then the redundancies need to be cut or replaced with other words and phrases.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read this out loud to yourself with an eye out for repetitions and punctuation points.
This could work as poetry, allowing the redundancies to stay for emphasis, but then the structure would need to change. Also, the rhythm would need work.
*Peace*Finally:
You can tell that this is a project of love, it's biggest advantage. The structure needs work, but well worth the effort. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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127
127
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A decent rendition of a scene writers are all too familiar with. A character that's easy to relate to and a well-detailed account.
In a few spots it reads like verse.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
If I use the same word (or form of it) in the same or consecutive sentences, I change it. There are a couple of grammar/punctuation issues that you can find by reading this aloud.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
It reads more like journal entry than fiction. Break up those paragraphs. Even as far as a new one for each question. The white space will make easier to read (in more ways than one), speed it up and make it less passive. As will the inevitable cutting, to be done while reading aloud (I get more ideas at this stage then at any other).
End this with either some breakthrough or complete despair, or both. Make it an exercise.
*Peace*Finally:
This is good, as far as it goes. Lots of room for expansion. Add some whimsy, use it for a taking off point to places or dimensions unknown. Use that narrator to show you talking to yourself. All sorts of things to do with this. Write on!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
128
128
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This has lots of heart and meaning. Narrative poetry is hard (for me anyway), you make it seem easy. Has decent pace and good imagery.
This last stanza is very good.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The rhyme in line six is a stretch. It rhymes, but feels like an after thought.
Technically, this poem is good.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Cut and simplify to improve rhythm, pace and eliminate passivity. Example:
"When he walked into entered the room, Cameron's eyes lit in delight
But also in confusion and fear, he knew it was his last night
Then his face he smiled a smile, that no one had ever seen
Since he was pronounced cured of his ills at age seventeen". Not a perfect edit, but I'm sure you get the idea. All of the ideas are there and it's more active and direct.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a really good narrative. Well-spoken and a good balance of conflicting feelings. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
129
129
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A cute little diary of a chew toy. Day 9 is absolutely hilarious.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Not much there, there.
Technically fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Needs to be much longer (hence the 3.5). Surely the dog, and everything else involved, has more to it than this. The toy as a focus is good, but give us more story.
Failing that, I would suggest making a poem of this. You likely have enough detail here for that. Don't even need to change the title.
*Peace*Finally:
This feels like the start of something rather than a whole thing. Use this as an outline and fill it out. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
130
130
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Quite a manifesto of highly organized, vacuous nonsense. Love it! Well planned, smooth and easy to follow. Consistent from top to bottom.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The gray is really hard to read brown or blue would be better.
Other technical and subjective parts seem fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Really hard make suggestions for a piece like this. It is so off the track (in a good way) any suggestion would detract from it's relative splendor.
*Peace*Finally:
Brilliantly odd and inspired. Strangely reminds me of Lewis Carroll or a Terry Gilliam movie. Something that grabbed me and held my rapt attention for a long while. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
131
131
Review of Feel My Pain  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Lots of emotion displayed and solid imagery. You feel the pain and frustration.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
"...a mile in my shoes" is cliché; turn it on its head. Something like: what walking in my shoes is like.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Use "Just stop, breathe" at the beginning and the end.
Cut every thing unnecessary to add urgency. Example: "Everything, it's so overwhelming.
Put a blank line after line ending "...know my pain" and after "...no way out" like you're making a paragraph in a story. More white space than that would help the feeling and pace.
Move the line starting "What it's like to live in hell" to the top of the list it's in. Go from general to specific.
Line starting "The one who claims..." split it after first "me".
*Peace*Finally:
Even as emotional a ride as this poem is, it can still be less passive and more immediate, with some creative editing. Make it shine!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
132
132
Review of The Tech Guy  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Though not officially "the tech guy" I did all that too.
*Checkb*The Good:
Good story and characterization of a familiar scene. Smooth, clear and easy to follow.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems technically and subjectively sound.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Could have returned to the magic theme for the ending.
You could include the nearly universal "but I did all that" comment that usually comes after the magic happens.
You have lots more possibilities for humor.
*Peace*Finally:
Good stuff, as usual. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
133
133
Review of Ode to the cube  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Has a good lilting tone with a musical feel. It has a simple, yet descriptive style and message.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Lines eight and twelve, while fine basic rhymes, seem flat and unimaginative.
Technically solid.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
You abandon the rhyme in the last stanza, no reason to keep it in two and three. Think rhythm over rhyme in the end lines of those two stanzas.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a good, short piece about a great subject. Could easily be expanded. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
134
134
Review of Spirit Dance  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A very good job of matching the language to the prompt. Flow and rhythm seem good (not an expert on the form). The recurring lines sum it up well.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Seems to be technically and subjectively fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
The first two lines of the first two stanzas are I/the other, I/the other, try to do that in the third stanza too.
*Peace*Finally:
This seems like pretty solid work to me. Keep it up!


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by KC under the midnight sun
135
135
Review of The Last Words  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
The language is good and the last two lines are terrific.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
I don't see a connection between lines five and six, unless "seethe" has a meaning I'm not aware of.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Some cuts will make the poem a bit less passive:
"that" in lines two and three.
"me" from line four (it's implied).
"simply" from line eight (and possibly "may").
Use the long forms of "'twill" and "'tis."
*Peace*Finally:
I know cutting such a short piece will make it shorter, but it seems it would be better.
It's really good work. Keep plugging!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
136
136
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
A new take on an old subject. Easy to follow with the right amount of detail. Segues are smooth and points clear.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Paragraph breaks are too few. Makes it hard to read and slows it down. Old high school rule: New speaker, new subject, new thought = new paragraph.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read this out loud. You'll find the paragraph breaks and other edits.
*Peace*Finally:
Good first-person debunking of what amounts to an old wives tale. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
137
137
Review of Around the Bend  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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It's a wonder how us men have ever lasted this long.
*Checkb*The Good:
Absolutely hilarious work. Nearly perfect amount of detail. Timing, pace and rhythm are first rate. The incorrectly arrived at moral is priceless.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The paragraphs could use some splitting. Everything else is A-OK.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Jr. High English: New speaker, new thought, new direction = new paragraph. Plus the white space will make the excellent pace seem even better.
*Peace*Finally:
This is funny stuff. Keep it up!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
138
138
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Deliciously foreboding and creepy. Builds good tension with pace and rhythm. Good use of language.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Line four, while evocative and beautifully rhymed, goes to possible motive instead of the description that colors this part of the poem.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Either rework line four, or move the couplet further down, where you start presenting motives.
*Peace*Finally:
This is good work. The imagery is suitably dark and alien. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
139
139
Review of The Moth  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Great use of language. An exceptional balance of the concrete and the imaginative. You can feel the motion and see in your mind's eye the flight and action.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Could use a bit more rhythm.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
I see possibilities of shortening some lines, especially the ones with scientific names, to improve the rhythm.
*Peace*Finally:
None of my suggestions need to be acted on, none are fatal. This is good, imaginative work. Keep it up.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
140
140
Review of Dream or dread  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
There is honest emotion in this. The recurring line is good.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The flow and rhythm need work. Technically it's fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
The name of this should be Fuel Enough.
The little blurb at the very end in () should be the theme here. Most of it fits, but the reader needs the "why" and "how" it fits. Scream this to yourself or out loud, in a safe place. Write everything you want to say to yourself in this poem in your journal or somewhere else, let it sit for a few days, then look at it again. Throw out the chaff, trim the articles, and start it again. Use this right here as your comparison point.
*Peace*Finally:
This is better than you think. Harness then organize the emotion and it will shine. Trust your instincts and Write On!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
141
141
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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WDC is going to want you to change a certain word in line 1 or change the rating to 13+ or 18+.
*Checkb*The Good:
Self-inflicted verbal irony is alive and well, I see. Dry humor is my favorite (genetic I fear) and you did it well here. A fine portrayal of the worse case scenario taken to the Nth degree.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Not certain if it's free verse, prose poem or cut and paste accident. Seems technically fine, I think.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Nothing to suggest, you seem to have accomplished your goal.
*Peace*Finally:
Definitely helps to have a sense of humor about this. You clearly do. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
142
142
Review of As It Was To Be  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Flow well now, top to bottom. Good edit!
143
143
Review of Broken Ring  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Wonderful depth as you demonstrate the significance of a symbol to a life. Good pace and narrative. Solid use of language.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Line 5, while clever, seems a little out of place in this poem. It adds nothing about the ring or the relationship.
Technically, every thing's fine.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Rework that line to fit the theme. No other suggestions.
*Peace*Finally:
This is really good. You move around in theme very well. Keep up the good work.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
144
144
Review of As It Was To Be  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
The last two stanzas are very smooth, almost like a ballad. Decent rhythm on the whole and good use of image and language.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The first stanza is very choppy and nearly unreadable in parts. Can't decide if words are missing or it was an experiment gone wrong. It has no rhythm and nearly no reason.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read the first stanza out loud, as is. I'm sure you'll see why it needs to be reworked.
*Peace*Finally:
Two thirds of this promising and well done. Use that as your example for fixing the beginning. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
145
145
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Captures the angst of adolescence in a fluid and interesting way. Rhythm is solid and a few of the lines are truly inspired.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
The punctuation is sparse and inconsistently applied. Might be better off with none.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Line 9: replace "rebalance" with semblance or so-called.
Each line after a subtext word should be lower case.
*Peace*Finally:
Reminds of the trials and tribulations of High School. I won't hold it against you *Wink*
Good start. Look forward to the stories. Get at it!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
146
146
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
The descriptions are thorough and setting is clear. The Protagonist is well described by thought and deed.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Hard to read. The paragraphs need to have more breaks.
It's seems passive and wordy.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Not a short story. Definitely a prologue for something longer.
Cut, simplify and cut some more. Start with the adverbs and adjectives. Check and justify each one (No less authority than Stephen could say all the adverbs could go, but your call). It will serve to make it less passive.
Reading this aloud will help with this part of the edit. It will also direct your paragraph splits and many other things that will occur to you need changing.
Paragraph rules from my High School days: New speaker, new thought, new direction = new paragraph.
*Peace*Finally:
This piece has good detail and decent action. It just needs some white space to improve the reader's experience. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
147
147
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Perfect title. Excellent use of, sometimes poetic, language and imagery. The action flows well and the setting familiar.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
A few isolated instances of using the wrong word or tense.
Second paragraph: Sentence beginning "It all coalesces..." ends awkwardly.
Fifth paragraph: mostly run on sentences.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read this aloud. This will help you find the word problems, the run ons and edits you see that I didn't. I always do my best work when I do this.
*Peace*Finally:
Well stated and portrayed, this is good stuff. Keep it up!


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by KC under the midnight sun


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148
148
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A poem is exactly what this is.
*Checkb*The Good:
The recurring refrain is genius. It could stand as a great short poem on it's own. Creatively dark, with a good pace and great use of language and imagery.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
In an number of spots you use "there" when they're or their should be used.
In many spots words are missing or the wrong word or tense is used.
Needs a spell check.
Stanza 6, line 2: demons not "demeans".
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Read this aloud to find the language problems noted above.
When you quote the voices, use quotation marks. It will profoundly effect the drama of the piece.
Split up the last stanza, using the refrain again.
*Peace*Finally:
This is moving, dark and disturbing work. Now it needs a bit of an overhaul. A pain, but necessary. Keeping plugging!


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by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
149
149
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Checkb*The Good:
Good imagery in the first stanza. Has a decent pace and flow.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
It's slow and ponderous after line five.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Cut to make this less passive.
Example:
"We often seek refuge in each other's affectionate company,
Generously lending support to in each other's problematic lives." By eliminating less than necessary words it gets less passive, while retaining the meaning.
Line 1: Replace "criss-cross" with traverse; compliments the bridge references.
Put blank lines between lines 5 & 6, and 10 & 11.
Consider boiling the last three lines to two and rhyming them.
*Peace*Finally:
Has a strong start, now strengthen the rest.

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by KC under the midnight sun


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150
150
Review of Make A Run  
Review by Lee: Namaste!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Checkb*The Good:
This is clever with a nice, light pace and feeling. The first and last stanzas are very good.
*Checkv*The Not So Good:
Line 6 doesn't rhyme (I know you know) and is a beat or so off.
*Checkg*I Suggest:
Rework line 6. Make it rhyme with line 8, or make 8 rhyme with it. If you choose the latter it will be ABAB, matching the last stanza.
Line 10: cut "little" for the sake of rhythm.
*Peace*Finally:
This is a good piece. Keep plugging.


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by KC under the midnight sun


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