I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 11/19/08. Congrats on being featured! The story of a "gambling granny" who gambles at a lot more than just Bingo is a good idea. Your story really picks up in the second half, and the ending is well-executed. Unfortunately, the first half or more drags so much that the reader loses interest.
You have to get a strong opening line for your story, a "hook" that will get and hold the reader's attention. I suggest moving the line by the drug dealer when he is looking for a "helper" to the beginning. And shorten the LONG and rambling dialouges for a tighter, faster-moving story.
Being a cat person, reading this story caused me anguish. But I feel that you felt the same anguish writing this, from the sympathetic way you talked about both the kittens and your Marine friend. As your reader, I also felt sympathy for them. I never thought PTSD could lead one to abuse animals, but I see that it can.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 11/19/08. Congrats on being featured! I chose this from all the Editor's Picks because of the true military nature of your story. This is a great anecdote, and I am going to send it to a neighbor of ours stationed on a base in Afganistan. He is lonely without his family, and this will cheer him.
Do you like living in Vermont? My grandmother has a cottage on Isle LaMotte.
Your story is well-written, with no spelling errors. It is a good length, not too long or short. You build very well up to the climax of the story, and seem to have a natural storytelling ability. The fact that this story was told to you, and you told it so well, makes me admire your writing skills.
Suggestions/Corrections:
1. Put an exclamation point after "Don't f*** with Rambo!"
2. Italcize click click rather than putting it in quotation marks.
I am off to read more work in your port. I am an editor for the Reviewing NL, and I will feature your story as an Editor's Pick in the February issue.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 10/02/08. Congrats on being featured as an Editor's Pick! I think this is original, and I will feature it as my own Editor's Pick in a future issue of the reviewing Newsletter. The reader is kept wondering all the way through who the young woman and the dark figure are. It definitely holds one's attention.
You write with a poetic prose. I do feel the sentences are too short and inhibit the flow for which this unique piece screams. You also need to add paragraph spacing. If you rewrite, I would be happy to take another look and increase my rating. At the beginning, you need to hyphenate "half-closed."
I love autumn, so I enjoyed this piece. Thank you for writing it.
I saw this in the For Authors Newsletter of 9/25/08. Congrats on being chosen as an Editor's Pick! Awwwww, this is such a heartwarming poem. Thank you for writing this. I only have one child, a son who will be two in November. You seem like you have at least three, and if I think my life is busy, yours is a whirlwind.
I do see some things that when corrected, would make the poem perfect:
1. In the second stanza, insert comma after "Mommy."
2. Replace "What's hot and what's cool" with "When it's hot or it's cool." The second way refers to the weather, while the way you have it refers to what is in style and in vogue.
3. Change "But Mom" to "Hey, Mom,"
4. The rhythm matches better with the change of "Why d'ya think I've got a carpet?" to "Why d'ya think there's a carpet?"
Thank you, too, for honoring and praising God for the incredible give He gave us moms.
This was within your other piece about patience, so I reviewed it. I appreciate how vulnerable not only Derek is, but you are as basically a single mom with no stable family support. I have to say, that literal thinking, and his inability to understand otherwise, is extremely frustrating. I can't believe a promising stage career was stifled by a common expression, or that he believed a commercial not to drink any liquids and drive.
I am glad he is diagnosed now. Better late than never. There is a young man Derek's age with Asperger's at our church, and some of his actions are unfathomable, although he really likes my son and toddlers. He wants to matchmake my son with another toddler. Greg (the young man) says "they should have a playdate." It's so cute! But the strange action is that I asked him to give something to Joan, a lady at church. But he went looking for her outside in the church yard where there was not a soul. Greg does drive, on short trips to the video store, but that is it. Does Derek drive? And Greg has that droning voice. He loves action movies, the more explosions the better. And he reads and reads.
I saw this in the Spiritual NL of 9/25/08. Congrats on being featured as an Editor's Pick. I don't have a lot of patience, either. I want to know what is going to happen NOW. I often turn to the end of a book, and am happy when someone spills the beans about the resolution of an anime series. How did you injure your leg? Sounds like an auto accident?
I appreciate greatly the varying definitions for patience, especially the Greek one. It is fascinating that "slowness in avenging wrongs" does not exclude revenge entirely.
You should send your son's story to Tigger thinks of Prancer. Asperger's is her favorite subject and cause. And I am so happy you found out the truth about the first guy, that he was not the right man for you, and that you are happily married to another WDC member! That sounds like another story to post. . Let me know when you do.
I saw this in the Fantasy NL of 9/17/08. Congrats on being featured as an Editor's Pick! I do like Star Trek very much,; I watched all the series over the last twenty-five years, but I confess I am not familiar with terms like Bat'leth,Mek'leth, and Black Fleet Express. You really are a Trekkie. Love you guys! Care to enlighten me on those three terms?
The only corrections I have are both for the first stanza. Everything after the first stanza is perfect. Self-esteem should be hyphenated, and I would definitely put the third line in parentheses.
I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 7/17/08. Congrats on being featured. The short description really caught my eye, an intriguing tease about two people attending an auction. It sounded mysterious.
You did the part about the violet-eyed child very well; most people's first reaction would be "That would never happen! They would stop the auction right away." But, you explained that the town might lose their fat bequeathment to the fund. And we all know how money makes people act. At least, we can see how it makes Riana act.
My main beef with this story is that Tommy looks like too much of a sluggard, falling asleep several times in an auction, and Riana is too much of a nag and a shrew. I also want to know, give the reader a hint why is the pair at the auction? Why didn't Tommy sleep well last night? Why would Riana carry on like that in public if she cares so much about her reputation.
I wasn't sure about the ending at first, but I like it. Really leaves the reader wondering and free to come up with all manner of ideas as to who or what the girl is, or if she really even exists.
I saw this in an old issue of the Fantasy Newsletter. Congrats on being featured, and also for your awardicon. This story was better than I expected as far as the surprise twist, and the feel of classic 1960's science fiction short stories. I thought I knew what to expect at the end, but you made it even more chilling than I expected. It is good to have themes in stories about the dangers of science, how it can make us cold, how humans are seen only as guinea pigs.
Your story can be tweaked to make it feel even more authentic. I would combine some of the short sentences to make longer ones, so you have a mix of long & short sentences. Hyphenate "good-looking" and make "your" "you're" in the sentence at the end beginning with "She whispered."
I am marking this a favorite; I will feature it as an Editor's Pick in my next issue of the Reviewing Newsletter.
I have insomnia, too. Right now it is after 2 a.m., and I am wide-awake. I know I should be in bed, but . . . I like your piece about the time you could not sleep and your mind raced. Been there many, many, many times. I do hope you made it through the day and slept well the following night.
I do believe that you must always believe that you WILL go to those exotic places.
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. Hyphenate "emotionally-filled."
2. [I know that I cant change anything] - Need apostrophe in 'can't.'
3. I love all your similes, with the exception of the Olympic gymnast. That simile does not work because gymnasts do not really "toss and turn," and even if they did, they do it with incredible focus and alertness, the opposite effect of tossing in bed from insomnia.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 4/17/08. I think you did a good job with this tricky form of poetry, the name of which escapes me. I like your contrasts (is there a poetic term for these?) empty baskets full/sad grin.
I saw this item featured in the Horror/Scary Newsletter of 5/14/08. Congrats on being featured. My only experience with a ouija board was ridiculous, as my then-friend was clearly moving the glass. I am glad you were able to write about this difficult experience. Perhaps now you can let it go. Have you ever had any other inexplicable/supernatural experiences?
Your piece is very well-written and holds the reader's interest, to say the least.
Numero cinco. Oh, as a mother of a 18-mo. old boy, I love this. We just did the "new shoes" thing. You are not old enough to have a grown child, are you? And the awardicon says you capture a mother's heart. True, but you also capture a grandmother's heart as well at the end. .
What style poem is this? It is perfect - five stars. Hyphenating full grown/full time is optional, but I would probably do it.
Review numero cuatro. I love to travel, but have no money, so I love to hear stories of foreign places. You are such a fine writer, you have a eloquent way of speaking, you have a wide vocabulary, so my corrections are mainly grammar-related.
This story is humorous and charming. It leaves me with a warm feeling about the fact that most people are good and kind. I will feature this piece in an upcoming Reviewing Newsletter.
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. [ I thrived on traveling by (via) the crowded suburban trains (insert comma) one arm looped around the pole
This is my first of five reviews for the Egg Hunt. Because I procrastinated so long, I will give you ten reviews. So this is the first of the ten.
Well, this is just so charming and intelligently written. Your story shows how children can be simutaneously a pain and a joy. I think you should submit this story to a magazine such as Reader's Digest, Guideposts (if you can put God in it), Woman's Day, Family Circle, or Good Housekeeping.
You are blessed to have these babies in your life. Ravi is a hoot! I have a 17 month-old boy. I am not looking forward to all the scholastic struggles. "Lammert the lam," lol!!! As I child, I never had any trouble reading and grasping all the complexities of the written English language. Math, hmm, that was another story. Today, I still love to read (obviously, since I am a WDC member) and I am certain with the attention and care you help them with their schoolwork, that they, too, will become avid readers like their mommy.
So, you are Indian? I would like to hear all about your culture.
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. I would replace 'bulging bag' with 'bulging backpack' or 'bulging bookbag.'
2. I would change 'unyielding' in 'unyielding answer' to 'stubborn.'
I saw this featured in a Fantasy Newsletter from last year. 40 ratings - that's great. Your story is charming, lovely, touching, wondrous, well-written, musical, and magical. I adore cats, and your world of cats is special.
Suggestions to make this tale even better:
1. I would put "La la la" in italics.
2. I would change "eager" in describing boycats to "boisterous" or "rowdy."
3. "lovely dresses of lace and lawn." - Lawn? Did you mean to put some other word?
4. Hyphenate well-meaning in "well meaning mothercats."
5. "As often as not, the villagers avoided her," - replace last comma, comma after her with a colon or a dash to set up the descriptive phrase that follows.
Last, you say "a beautiful old princess." Is she not "the" princess? I assume there was just one royal family. Even if there were sisters, she is the only one left.
Your description of the feast made my mouth water.
As I was going through old e-mails in my inbox, I came across this in an old Spiritual Newsletter. Awww, what a sweet and innocent poem. It is simple, almost as if it were written by a child.
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. [I use to think what have I to gain] - Should be I used to think, "What have I to gain?"
2. [The words float right off the page like the sweet harmony of a small bird] - This line is too long. Make it the same length as the other lines, or divide this one into two lines.
Thank you for sharing your belief. I hope it stays as strong as when you wrote this.
I saw this in an old Spiritual Newsletter as I was going through my inbox. First, let me say I admire you for writing Christian poetry. I am Christian, but I don't write about this topic nearly as much as I should. Second, your title is quite good - very intriguing and made me want to read the poem.
I did not understand the line about the "silly diamond." What does that mean, could you please explain it to me? Parts of the poem are quite clear and understandable, but others are written as though only the writer understands the meaning. Of course, you are trying to rhyme, so that made a difference.
I saw this poem in an old Spiritual Newsletter as I was going through old e-mails in my inbox. It is wonderful. You make yourself so vulnerable in this poem, especially in the line with your name in it. I think most Christians, myself included, feel the same at some point or points. I am adding this to my Favorites.
I saw this poem featured in an old Spiritual NL as I was going through old e-mails in my inbox. This is impressive. For an alphabet poem, the flow is so consistent. Also, you were creative to use Xanadu for 'X.' I hope that as a Christian, I can follow each and every one of the principles laid out in your poem. Incidentally, did you win in the contest?
I saw this in an old newsletter as I am rummaging through my e-mail inbox. This is the second time in a row that I am up late (2 a.m.) and I read about a member's spooky experience. I thoroughly enjoyed your well-written, mesmerizing story. Mauybe it was a ghost raccoon. The introduction is especially intriguing. I am one of the editor's for the Reviewing Newsletter, and I will feature this in an upcoming issue.
The only correction I have is right at the beginning. Hyphenate life-changing.
Also, are you crazy to be walking at midnight wearing headphones???? You might get mugged or worse.
I saw this poem in an old newsletter as I was rummaging through my e-mail. Wow, you really shot him down! Poor guy. That was a sweet way to propose. I love this poem. It opens strongly. I like the use of lowercase. The only thing I would change is instead of "one wish or another," put "one wish after another."
I have seen this story popping up in many NL's, but did not read. I guess the name Grandson Place sounded strange. Why would someone name a house after a grandchild? But I figured if it had been featured so many times, it must be good. And, I really enjoyed this. What is so great is that you leave it to the imagination as to what happened at the end. Did the police get the killer at last? Or did he kill the kid, or even the cops, and escape? I love this story, and will feature it in a future issue of the Reviewing NL. You have 27 (28) reviews, and that is pretty good, but I hope you get a LOT more!!
I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 8/22/07. I am catching up on some NL reading. Congratulations on having this story published. Where did you have it published? The beginning certainly draws me in. I love thunderstorms as a setting. I especially enjoyed the description "strobe light effect."
Since this story was accepted, I don't know what suggestions I can offer. However, I can't resist saying for "the spat of raindrops" - is "spat" onomatopoeia? If so, shouldn't it be in italics? Also, the transition is abrupt and confusing where John goes "to his office" after promising Judith he would get a doctor's appointment. I thought "his" meant doctor's. I had to stop, re-read to realize that it was John's office.
Found a spelling error: "turn him lose" should be "loose."
Bone of contention: He is a tall, muscular guy, and one "swallow" of drugged coffee knocks him out cold? He should drink more.
-"on the un-giving ground" - Should be "unyielding."
-Unlikely that he would have all that stuff in his pockets when caught off guard, and a revolver too?
Exciting story, tensely written, held my attention at the beginning and then had me on the edge of my seat. I wouldn't want John's problems for the world. I feel kind of paranoid (more than usual, LOL!) after reading this. Congrats again on publication. What was your inspiration for this story? Do you like action movies?
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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That was a sweet way to propose. I love this poem. It opens strongly. I like the use of lowercase. The only thing I would change is instead of "one wish or another," put "one wish after another."