*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: ON
2,292 Public Reviews Given
2,292 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.
 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind
I'm good at...
More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.
Favorite Genres
Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.
Favorite Item Types
I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.
I will not review...
I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 12 13 14 15 ... Next
226
226
Review of It'd be me  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, serine can write . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "It'd be me"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Love and murder combine in this strange song about longing, avoidance, imprisonment, and violent reaction

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This was an interesting and passionate song spoilt by lots of minor errors.

The singer sounds dangerous and especially in the last verse which appears to describe the murder of the beloved/hated. This is a song filled with paranoia, nightmares, wounds, and brokenness and the consequence of the messed up mind is a life gone down to the grave.

The contrast between white clothes and messed up thoughts was well described. But you seemed to suggest that the white-clothed man was wild-eyed also which did not quite fit the image.

How do you smell a metal bracelet? It does not have a smell.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

There are a lot of grammatical issues here. There is a spelling mistake in the description

So intrested in your opinions ! - So interested in your opinions!

Cleaning the knife in your white sweatshirt - Cleaning the knife on your white sweatshirt

What a shame I'm a mad! - What a shame I'm so mad!


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
Review of 9/11  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, QueenNormaJeanGreeneggs&vegham . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "9/11 "  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The author remembers how she got to know about 911.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I am married to an American and have an American grandfather but I saw the events of 911 from Britain in the server room of our IT department. The night shift had rigged up a TV there and the whole department gathered around it watching events unfold. Little if any work was done that day as most of our customers were also watching. The whole world was with America on that day and even Germany sent ground forces to Afghanistan in response. Twenty years later the last troops have left Afghanistan and new divisions plague America. The dangers of civil war seem more real than that of radical Muslims blowing things up.

Your own personalized account was an interesting read and quite triggering.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You might want to check our quillbot.com. It is very good at spotting minor errors.

10 AM - 10 a.m.

I answered to find on the other line my current husband. - I answered to find my current husband on the other end of the line


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of Planets and Moons  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Planets and Moons"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A person is obsessed with Horoscopes without having much in the way of supporting evidence for their efficacy.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I have worked with Hindus who would swear by astrological charts and who even got married on the basis of the pronouncements of a local astrologer back in India. Also of course a whole bunch of Western papers also run astrological predictions for the day. Some people even use this as a part of their chat-up routines, as if your star sign was any kind of guide to compatibility. For some, I guess it is a frivolous thing, and for others, much more serious.

The notion that the movement of the stars and the planets are entangled with our own fates is quite an old one with for example a bunch of astrologers finding the Son of God by following a star. It is however banned in the bible. In modern physics, the notion of quantum entanglement seems to echo these themes.

There might even be something to all this but the signals seem fundamentally broken to me and there are better ways of obtaining higher levels of understanding


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Who's that someone you shall someday marry? -
Who is the person you hope to marry someday?

Who knows[?] [O]ne day you could become famous.

They'll come a time; someone will call your bluff.
There will come a time; someone calls your bluff

The Planets and moons - The planets and moons


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
Review of Humphrey  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, TaeBelle . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Humphrey"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Humphrey wakes up without Ellie in the bed, he can still smell her on the sheets, and he can smell the coffee she loves, he rises to join her...

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I loved this and did not anticipate the ending. Definitely had Humphrey pegged in a different species.

The way you defined the sense of absence and lured Humphrey out of the bed with the sense of smell should have been a clue for me. But having read the ending it added to the authenticity of the piece.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You might want to check out quillbot.com which is very good and identifying missing commas and offering better sentence structures.

So for example:

I could hear her even from here boiling water, the scent of coffee hit my nose as I padded towards the lounge room; I was not a fan of the stuff but Ellie seems to enjoy it so I cannot complain about something she clearly loves. -
The scent of coffee hit my nose as I padded towards the lounge room; I wasn't a fan of the stuff, but Ellie seems to enjoy it, so I can't complain about something she clearly loves.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Note Fleurie . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Prince Harry Even Outshines Di"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Prince Harry has a star quality that even outshines his mother. He is in touch with his humanity unlike the sociopaths in the rest of his family and he is the first of a new kind of royal. Megan was treated unfairly by the media.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Being British by birth Harry and his grandad Philip were my favorite royals before Harry married Megan and his Grandad died. Now my favorite royal is Kate. She has the dignity and class to make a queen and unlike Megan the quality to make the monarchy work.

Megan is portrayed by the press as a manipulative narcissistic attention seeker who just never understood her place. Her husband was indeed once the spare heir and third in line to the throne. Now with Kate having produced three children and the death of the Queen, he is at number five with little chance of becoming King. So running off with an American divorcee actress was a lot less serious that the 1937 Edward and Wallis Simpson scenario. If it was just about freedom from royal duties and finding a good space for his family to grow up on him I was of the opinion good for him at that point.

Having watched that slick Netflix diatribe on the media and royal family and being aware of the accusations of his new book Spare my opinion of him and that of most of the British public has turned decidedly hostile. Making money off gossip about your family is a dirty gig and even worse when the monarchy is so central to British public life and indeed that of the Commonwealth. His acts of petty sabotage are well nigh inexcusable and in another age, they would have constituted treason and warranted the death penalty. Harry now seems petty, boasting about the number of Taliban he killed, talking about fights with his brothers and other throw-away comments, and then selling them to the papers and publishers he purports to despise. His actions are contemptible.

What happened to Diana was tragic. Charles treated her badly from the start and was not honest with her about the situation with Camila. After the divorce, she was completely unhinged and did some foolish stuff. But the public loved her and her death while still young and beautiful evoked a powerful reaction in the British public. Harry purports to hate the media for what they did to her but is clearly playing them to his own advantage and using them to make money. Some stories should never be sold and Harry is selling them.

So regarding the substance of your piece, I could not disagree more with what you wrote though you write reasonably well.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

One can easily he is just as loved by the public as sweet Diana was loved. - He is clearly loved by the public in the same way that sweet Diana was.

You might want to try out quillbot.com. Your piece has a great many simple errors which could be easily avoided using this tool


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Naomi . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "How Do I Love You ?"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A love poem with a freedom theme.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I found the lines a little awkward.

This line especially is meant to be your hook for the rest of the poem but is quite offputting.

Let me love you with the freedom of loving you

I would rephrase a lot and try and simplify some of the themes. What you say is inspiring enough but is struggling to find a way of expression that connects. For example I might have said it like this:

Let me be free to love you
to laugh with you
not at you

To cry with you
though not because of you
to love life
to love each other

To love being loved
freely
untainted by jealousy

Let me love you
With all my heart and soul...



Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review of Hi Daddy  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Bikerider . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Hi Daddy"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Moving account of a little girl who has a routine of talking to her daddy every night while he is away in the war...


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This piece completely wowed me if that is even an adjective, simply awesome. A father returning from the war to hear this would never forget it. Also what a daughter! She hears and sees so much with so much wisdom beyond her years. Every veteran would wish this account were true. Maybe she should have prayed this to God rather than her actual dad but the sentiment is really the same here.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

I found a cool new tool that is really good at finding missing commas. Try quillbot.com. Below are just a few examples of that.

when I heard sounds coming from her bedroom[,] I opened the door

A special day for all the mommies and daddies that had to go away. ["]But I need to talk to you[,] Daddy,

I'll have it forever[,] Daddy, because you gave it to me.

Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
233
233
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, {user:beth6105. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Early January 2023"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

When Christmas comes to end and all the decorations are put away, the house feels a little bare and cold, like the snow still falling outside. We have put on weight from all the food and this is the darkest time of the year on the Northern plains.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I might be at a similar or even higher latitude than you. Winter is dark here and the nights are long and cold. When the daylight comes I try to get out there. Today I plan a big run to shed some of those festive pounds, hidden under the winter clothes you were talking about. There is no snow right now but it is cold, I actually love running in snow as usually I am the only one and the peace and the stillness in the forests around here are fabulous.

We had a very cold snap in early December and everyone switched the gas on. There were worries here in Germany that we would run out but then came warmer weather and new LNG terminals and now the gas stocks are actually rising and high even in the middle of Winter. Maybe our houses will stay warm this Winter after all until Spring and warmth returns.

I loved this line:

the pounds
Taking residence under winter clothes
May stay until June.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major found.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
Review of The Haunted Night  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, horrorthoughts . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Haunted Night"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Karen is huddled up on the couch with a book during a dark and stormy night. She is scared and then a stranger knocks on her door...


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

So a scared woman answers the door to a soaking wet stranger on her doorstep who appears to have a supernatural presence standing behind her. She lets her into her house and then finds that she is some kind of fear-eating vampire. She runs for her life.

The story itself was a little bit cliched and spoilt by the poor presentation. Maybe you should have concealed the supernatural presence behind the woman until she was in the house. That would have made the decision to let her in sound more reasonable.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

This reads as though English is not your first language. There is some really good translation software out there at deepl.com for example. Also, your grammar and sentence structures are appalling. Check out quillbot.com or load the Grammarly free tool to see what I mean. There are too many errors here to commentate on. But for example, this sentence makes absolutely no sense.

She was in her thoughts and imagine for happing someone's horror with her And this is a horror night for her.

Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
235
235
Review of Christmas Blues  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, G. B. Williams . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Christmas Blues"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

This is a story about a man whose plans for baking get frustrated at Christmas time on a regular basis. A man who does not have unlimited wealth and who seeks to navigate a way through the Christmas blues to connect with his family nonetheless. Maybe the man should lose some weight but fundamentally he wants a working oven so that he can bake. Failing that there is always COSTCO.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I got a little confused at the beginning of this because you said that you stayed at the Marriot Hotel last year, for Christmas, but you complained about your oven not working for the last two years. Then I realized that the faulty oven drove you out of the house so that you had a place to entertain your family. So that makes this year's solution the COSTCO cakes.

There were some good lines in this like:

How big would the box have to be to package all of that love?

It seems that Christmas for you is about family, rather than presents though baking seems a big part of it also. There is no mention of the Son of God who came into the evil Empire of this world to rescue us from our sins.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

There were a lot of mechanical issues here and the text could do with a bit of editing to make it more readable. Missing commas, and sentence structures. You might want to try out quillbot.com which is quite good at identifying things like that.

ask yourself[,] "How big would the box have to be to package all of that love?"

We were going to always be happy[,] or rich[,] or healthy[,] or able to go and come as we pleased


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
236
236
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Damon Nomad . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* "You are 99.99% Empty Space"  was selected by the top reviewers list for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

You are 99.9% empty space and I can see right through you. The author explains the science behind this statement.

*Quill*Commentary

If I focus on the single electron or proton I guess everything seems very small and spaced out. But these things move fast so they fill their orbits at least in the manner of a fan spinning fast appears to fill all the spaces between its spokes. Also, there are the hidden tentacles of attraction and repulsion reaching out from these minute particles toward each other. Space is empty and yet it isn't.

Your piece made me think about the bible verse from Hebrews 11:3 (NASB)

By faith we understand that the world has been created by the word of God so that what is seen has not been made out of things that are visible.

If I were a strict materialist I would be quite depressed at my own perceived emptiness. But by faith, I can believe that what cannot be seen might be more important than what can be. Indeed modern science estimates that 95% of the mass of the universe is dark energy or matter than gives us no electromagnetic signature. Is that also true of ourselves, of an unseen mass that cannot be described in those orbital diagrams that first explained atoms and electrons to us in school?

Also, the coherence of my being lies not in the sum of its parts but rather in my soul. Materialists atomize reality in the spirit of Democritus but the soul provides a holistic coherence guaranteed by the Word of God. The Universe and I exist because He spoke, not because He assembled us from preexisting matter. Our parts matter less than our persons to Him.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

You might want to check out quillbot.com. I ran your essay through it and got a load of comma issues and sentence structure-type notifications. Never do a fix-all on the tool as the AI does not always get your true meaning. But it is a helpful way to analyze potential errors.


Thanks for sharing.

~ Click here to join a fun group ~

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
237
237
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, kenwood101. This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* "Return To A Narrow Road"  was selected from the top reviewers list for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The author reflects on a life that moved from the wide road to the narrow road. From a reprobate life to one of service and godly giving.

*Quill*Commentary

You write in an engaging way that pulls people into your scene. It is a very descriptive account full of golf balls, laptops, rodeo cowboy pictures, and other mementos from a long life. You seem at peace pondering and pottering rather than with a singular focus, maybe that is the life of a retiree.

It was interesting how you summarised periods of your life with references to music. Different songs and artists sum up different moments and times. You portray them like ghosts from different eras. You served in Vietnam but that seems to belong to the old you the one before bible verses and worship songs. At that time you were on the broader way to destruction rather than the narrow way that led to your present peace. Not that arriving in your current peace was not a difficult way to take. You understate the challenges overcome here yet overcome they were.

Your story is that of a path toward God and it is in His presence that you cherish the rising-moon-over-the-fairway moment, not just today but forever.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You are missing commas. I have been using quillbot.com recently to find these. Check it out you might be pleasantly surprised.

I am sitting in my office surrounded by the shear [sheer] essence of who I am.


Thanks for sharing.

~ Click here to join a fun group ~

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
238
238
Review of Too Much To Ask  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, AmyJo- only 2 steps behind - . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* "Too Much To Ask"  was selected by the top reviewers list for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

This is a poem about Henry VIII's decision to divorce his wife and create the Anglican church to support his decisions.


*Quill*Commentary

I liked this poem which was on a favorite historical theme.

Henry VIII allowed for the formation of a church that has been very successful around the world and done a lot of good. But its sordid roots in his repeated divorces and adulteries are a matter of shame.

Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived is the way I remember his wives.

Thomas Cranmer would be burned at the stake by Bloody Mary for his protestant convictions. However, regarding Henry's marriages you are right he was a total yes man who just did what he was told justifying from scripture what could not be justified from scripture.

You are also right that Henry was a paranoid killer king who brooked no opposition. On one history site, I read that he executed 57000 people in his 36-year reign, many of them clergy. Bloody Mary by contrast only burned 280 people at the stake. Even Edward VI killed more than her at 5000+

So the content pans out

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Catherine of Aragon, not Katherine.

The point of view of the poem is focused on Henry and is narrated in the third person.

Some of the phrases are a little awkward and seem mainly designed to make the rhyme work.

But because of a frailty
His mind he did turn


Thanks for sharing.

~ Click here to join a fun group ~

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
239
239
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jeannie . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* " Santa and an Alien Ship Crash"  was selected from the top reviewers list for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An amusing story of the kind of event that no police officer would probably ever be able to write up into a report. A flying saucer crashes into Santa's sleigh. There were witnesses but no evidence it ever happened.


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This a children's story and I think it would have gotten some laughs from my own kids at an earlier age. Your expressions are directed at children and would be effective in that context.

It was also a very creative idea.

I guess there is the age-old dilemma of the line between fact and fiction here. Does Santa even exist, do aliens for that matter, are we lying to our kids or just stretching their imagination with such stories?

There are some issues with expression. When I speak the words I can see they might fit with telling children a story. So there are repetitions for effect built into the wording structures. Technically these are often wrong though.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You might want to try out quillbot.com as it lights up with issues relating to commas and sentence structures, unnecessary extra words, etc. when I tried to review this piece there. Not all of the criticisms are valid but many are.

Take the first two sentences for example:

A UFO, flying high in the sky at a fast speed made three police officers wonder whose or what it was. It paused for a while before falling downward and as it grew nearer, eyes grew wide when they spotted Santa and his reindeers directly in its path downward.

A UFO, flying high in the sky and moving fast, made three police officers wonder what it was and who it belonged to. It paused for a while before falling downward. As it grew nearer, eyes grew wide when they spotted Santa and his reindeer directly in its path.


Thanks for sharing.

~ Click here to join a fun group ~

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
240
240
Review of Norman Votes  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Maddie Sunshine Stone . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* "Norman Votes"  was selected by the top reviewers list for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Norman votes for the first time. He is nervous and takes his time despite the long line of people behind him. Did he make the right choice?...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Very funny ending that caught me a little by surprise.

This is a brief piece and Norman is never really characterized. We can surmise he is a school kid, a little indecisive and poorly prepared. Perhaps he is also a little slow but in the end, he does the right thing and resolves the issue before him.

As a school teacher, I never set up a poll like this but it would have been a great teaching aid for a lesson on the historical roots of democracy.

The stakes are important, what to eat at the party!!!

As with all schools and indeed the political process I guess peer pressure is the thing he had to overcome here. In the end, the character has grown into a voter.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major found.


Thanks for sharing.

~ Click here to join a fun group ~

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
241
241
Review of To Lie  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, JoABuilder . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "To Lie"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I had to look up Ninesquare poetry. To my surprise, I found it was invented by a writing.com member.

Ninesquare was invented by Cappucine of writing.com and is a slam poetry form. The Ninesquare is a poem of nine lines of nine syllables each and divided into three stanzas of three lines each. The first line of each stanza contains nine monosyllable words. The second line of each stanza contains three words of three syllables each. The syllable structure of the third line of each stanza consists of one-two, one-two, and one-two syllables or a one-syllable word followed by a two-syllable word, etc. Rhyme is optional and the stress unimportant.

So you got the nine monosyllables first line - CHECK.
Three stanzas of three lines - CHECK
Second line three words of three syllables - CHECK
Third line 1-2 structure - CHECK

This is a really demanding structure and requires considerable effort. That you managed to include interesting content despite all these demands is actually quite remarkable.

Your poem is an intricate, amazingly structured personal diatribe against a liar.

Very impressed!

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Dazzling!


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
242
242
Review of One Word  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Choconut ~ House Targaryen . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "One Word"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The poet can be triggered by a single word to a state of smashed self-esteem and brokenness. Fear and dread terrify and old memories seer and break all confidence and self-worth. With just one word an old ghost is conjured back into her life.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

The secret password to a well of deep wounded feelings is withheld from the reader. I guess this is no Aladin's cave though, that is being referred to, but rather a chamber of horrors holding nightmares. Maybe such a pit of demons is a useful resource for a writer to contrast moments of true happiness with or to exploit the magic of extremes that writers often try to navigate their way through. Or maybe these are bitter angry memories that have not yet been faced, filtered, and filed away in a more friendly part of the poet's soul.

I read a poem like this and I instantly want to know the story behind it. A bitter divorce or a nightmare ex-boyfriend seems to lurk here. The rights and wrongs of the story are usually fabrications by both sides but maybe sometimes they reveal deeper and more painful truths also. A poem like this is the trigger to stories wrapped inside stories. But it all revolves around that one word. The word we do not know. What a word! But this is the poet's business and she dares not speak that word to us.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
243
243
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Schnujo is Late to Lannister . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Forgetting Poem"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A collaborative poem between two poets who talk about forgetting things. Sometimes 'I forgot' is used as an excuse, sometimes it means duplicated purchases, buying the wrong thing, or repeating routines already completed it can also mean losing a big part of your heritage and identity.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

New Year's Eve today and I am in the lull before the storm although I can already hear the fireworks going off. The German skies really light up at midnight as it is the one night of the year we can buy fireworks for. Going through Facebook faces from friends from decades past, living now in a different country from my birth I know all about forgetting things that once were so close and dear to me and also about being forgotten by those I left behind when I emigrated. Forgetting is something deeply personal and a kind of tragedy in many ways. I guess though you also forget to make space for new memories. But not remembering nursery rhymes is something that hurts me also as I never hear them over here and have to go look them up sometimes to remember the words.

I liked the poem which prompted the above fit of nostalgia.

Surely a surgical operation on a cat to remove her ovaries can only happen once.

I felt some of the lines lacked authenticity because they exaggerated the repetition. No one washes their teeth eight times a day. You might forget you spayed the cat once but not two more times on top of that.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

There is a variable use of punctuation here. Think you have to make a choice to have or not have full stops and commas at beginning of the poem and then just keep to it.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
244
244
Review of hard to breathe  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Tk . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "hard to breathe"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A young person experiences anxiety in proximity to a crowd. They feel almost suffocated by the feeling and can hardly breathe. They feel trapped and paralyzed and their good intentions of being here are drowned out by all the voices. Things start fading away and it is getting dark.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

A powerful description of anxiety and of what appears to be some kind of panic attack. I think everybody has experienced some kind of paralyzing fear or anxiety at some point in their lives. The decision to simply act in these circumstances is about training in the military and about ignoring your feelings and doing what seems reasonable in civilian life. Such fears and anxieties rarely survive contact with the enemy. Once you have ignored the suffocating anxiety one time it becomes easier the second time.

As to the question you post: why is it happening? There might be lots of reasons but one is clearly because you let it.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You scramble all the rules of grammar here. But this is free verse and the focus, therefore, goes on what you say. Maybe I would have said it differently but this is your poem.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
245
245
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Annette . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Snapped Twenty Years Ago"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An old camera still has the film in it from the last time it was used some twenty years before. After having developed the film Candice and John are confronted with images of themselves from two decades before. They realize it is time to get back into shape...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Simple plot, well executed with believable characters. It is something that resonates with many of us I think after years of pandemic lockdown. Personally, I like to run and that is probably more effective at shedding pounds but a gym membership is also good for firming up various muscle groups. In fact, I am feeling a little heavy after Christmas and feel a 12k coming on as I write.

This was the perfect story for the twenty-year anniversary of Writer's Cramp.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
246
246
Review of Nothing  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Wandering Thoughts . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Nothing"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

We all struggle with the big bad machine with taxes and the cost of living. Are we slaves? We are divided by hierarchies and wars, by us v them labeling, by hate, division, and inequality. There is a sense of impending doom. We should be fed up by now with being ignored, used, and abused. Life is a gift and love is the way. We should not be letting "them" divide us.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I think I would have sung along to this for most of my life. I am not sure when my adolescent Marxist rebellious instincts gave way to the peace of a man who knows what he can change and what he cannot.

Maybe the one percenters need to be shouted at though. Need to be insulted and maligned for their indifference to the rest of us, for their hoarded privileges and entitled arrogance. Life IS a gift and Love IS the way but the thing is most people never truly get that and indeed never will. I wonder if the idealistic vision of perfect harmony in the future is therefore a lie. We are more 'Animal Farm' and 'Lord of the Flies' as a species than we are John Lennon's 'Imagine.' The Christian vision sends those who get it to heaven and those who don't to hell. It is a separation of sheep and goats. Personally, I think that vision is more realistic than the aspiration of this song.

In reality, the rebels are no better than those they want to overthrow and there is no equivalence between sheep and goats.

I liked the song but disagreed with its content and it did have some minor mechanical issues.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

When you then apply a cap to top it all off.
What then do you have?

When you then apply a cap to top it all off,
What then do you have?

"Us Vs Them." - "Us vs Them." - but in a song, you would sing versus right?

When you apply hate it eventually promotes division and inequality. - When you apply hate, it eventually promotes division and inequality.

What are the differences between both you and me?


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
247
247
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Molly Garcia . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Love of His Life"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Phil has been dreaming about Maggie though he has never met her. He is still living with his mother. At a dating game in the pub, he meets her. She arrives with her friend Nell. Maggie is fresh from a bad breakup with Harvey who was unfaithful to her. She ends up with a date from Rob and a mobile number from Phil but decides on a date with Rob. Phil might not be getting the signals though...


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Some interesting twists and turns here. I did not expect that ending. You combine a lot of bad portraits of men. The three characters here are the unfaithful Harvey and then of course a stalker and a psychopath. I loved the way that you explored Phil's intense character and the ways in which he persistently misread the emotions on Maggie's face and the ways he has integrated his every impression of her into a metanarrative of inevitable romance between the two of them.

The story reminded me why I really do not miss the dating game with all its vagaries, uncertainties, and misunderstandings and why being married to the same woman for more than two decades is such a blessing.

Maggie seems quite an attractive personality albeit one who is all too easily tugged from one person to the next. She is reliant on Nell to inform her about Rob and seems to lack the intuition to see through the Estate Agent who lies for a living but a special effort to insist he is the trustworthy exception in his profession. Little signals like his irritation at her being five minutes late would have indicated his control freak tendencies. She also missed the fact that Harvey was the kind to be unfaithful to her until she found him making out with another woman. It makes her look a little like a dumb blonde with auburn hair (did she dye it?), a little shallow in what she looks for, and lacking the instincts that could keep her from being hurt so regularly.

I loved the story but there were some mechanical issues that need dealing with.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You handled the shifts in the point of view between your characters with simple titles of their names. I guess in a longer book version of this you could do that with chapters.

You used British English.

I ran this through quillbot.com and found hundreds of small errors like missing commas, phrasing issues, sentence structures, use of tenses... the whole caboodle. It is worth checking it out. The free version handles 3000 words at a time. Your piece is about 5600 words so you would need to go twice. Never do a fix-all, as the soulless AI does not always get what you are trying to say. It puts quotes in all the wrong places also so you can mainly ignore it on that also and it is too stiff and proper with dialogs and inner thought lives. Choose a language i.e. British or American also. I think you are writing in British.


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
248
248
Review of Cat Walk  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, THANKFUL SONALI Now What? . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Cat Walk"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

So a cat walks into a bar and organizes sweet Mews-sick for its beloved owner...


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

A cat, that can talk, with administrative skills, and with the ability to connect with a diverse range of suppliers and businesses walks into a bar to organize a 21st birthday party. He then works for 21 days without a paws to get that done.

Wow, what a cat!

I liked the play on words here: Mews-sick even if the image of a cat vomiting along with the rest of the partygoers who drank too much was not as pleasant.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

in to - into


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
249
249
Review of Society  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, HERvoice . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Society "  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Society attempts to shape our behavior, humor, emotions, the shape of our bodies, our esteem, our love choices, and our opinions. The poet seems to regard it as oppressive and all-encompassing.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

In an age of rampant individualism where choice has been elevated to the basis of morality, and self-identification, I wonder if this poem is on the wrong side of the fence. We perhaps need more community not less in the modern age, more human connections, more love, and indeed even the opportunities to wrestle with moderating negative emotions also. The problem is more that we live in disconnected bubbles than that we are failing or suffering from our community links. That said some communities are clearly toxic, deluded, oppressive, and insidious in their efforts to undermine and impose hierarchies that destroy our sense of well-being.

Personally, I resolve this tension with a vertical third focus on God. Communities and individuals must ultimately account to Him and He does not go off like fruit that should have been eaten two weeks ago. Both the social and the personal can be measured against a higher standard and we never really know ourselves until we have stood before the Almighty, Eternal, loving God.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Maybe societal rules on grammar are in part what the poem is opposed to but this was submitted in a social setting.

Welcome to society.
we hope you enjoy your stay, - The second line should start with a capital because the first ended in a period. The comma at the end of the second line is unnecessary.

We will tell you that your worthless, - We will tell you that you're worthless,

why your buried under ground. - why you're buried under ground.

as long as its who we choose,- as long as it's who we choose,

Welcome to society,
we promise we won't deceive,
and one more rule now that your here.

there's no way you can leave

Welcome to society;
we promise not to deceive;
and now that you're here, one more rule.

There's no way you can leave


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
250
250
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Fivesixer . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "20 Minutes From Nowhere"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem on the edge of madness. Paranoia and confused emotions combined with skepticism about the value of therapy and love of four-letter words. Maybe this town has a little too much time on its hands and is a little too far removed from the real world. You think big brother is not watching, but she already is.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I was wondering if the gender switch applied to big brother was just playing with words or a genuine confusion or an attempt at being woke. Against the background of a transexual big brother we have the main character staring into headlights and suddenly inspired to share mathematical problems with whoever comes out of the light, is this a scene from Beautiful Mind?

That therapy might have been attempted on the subject seems likely but it seems to have failed. the line between science and art is blurred in such efforts and it seems various diagnoses have missed the mark here and failed to listen to the inner song being sung. Maybe reading short stories and poems on Writing.com will be more therpeutic. There follows a play on words that might have been used or discussed in therapy and then a perception of isolation. This is a town in the middle of nowhere.

The author is clearly unsure where this poem is going but somehow manages to produce a sort of Picasso-style chaos of emotions, perceptions, and word games that are intriguing and confusing and the same time.

A final question to the latent paranoia lurking in the background here. Why would Big Sister be bothered to look at a madman living in a town in the middle of nowhere?

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Big Brother should be capitalized - he is important *Wink*


Thanks for sharing.

Shared Power Group Image

 
STATIC
My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,304 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 53 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10