Wow! To think about all those modern conveniences as I read this impressive article on my computer, while running a company report at the same time. My poor tortured day! HA!
You should try sending this in to your local newspaper. I know mine has a column in the opinion section that runs such articles like this. I'm sure yours does too. Take a chance and send it in!
I like how you were able to break down the dog into parts and transform them into Sci-fi characters. The scientific-like language help to transform a simple story of man's best friend to ultimate science fiction.
Introduction, conflict, resolution- all in the matter of a quick 295 words. You've done a great job here.
I'm guessing that you are a mom that has managed to draw on something alot like this in your own life experience. This is written so life-like and compassionate that I would be very surprised if this were not so.
Very vivid. I concerned with your afterthought thou. You mention a feeling of pride and relief being felt, but don't mention it in the description of the dream/nightmare, only in the afterthought.
A few errors found, if you are interested.
*I could tell he was getting frustrated because he called for (a) team of other people to chase me as well.
*He was holding a serenge.
(syringe)
*Finally, the man handed the serenge to a man sitting next to me.
I think I just read something caught between Stephen King and Dean Koontz!
Even thought the entire story appears to be nothing but a dream sequence, your twist at the end delt me such a blow, that I am now covered in goosebumps!
This was definately edge-of-your-seat intense!
One typo found-
*I give in to the emotion[al] and run at full tilt into the depths of the forest, leaving the logical side behind.
Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Reminds my a little of the market place in Aladdin, the exotic foods, clothing and wares all mixed together with hawkers stouting out their wares. Very interesting.
I found a few typos, as well as a few suggestions-
*The smell of the fumes as they come out from the back of the motorbikes is hard to miss.
The noxious fumes from the motorbikes is hard to miss.
*The fumes in the air from the food and pollution rise around you and you can feel it going[ pas} you but no matter where you are you can’t get away.
past
*The fruit and veg(etable) stall and the spectacular sight of the snake charmers.
spell out this word
*Even though [your] (you're) busy, you still feel obliged to join in.
*All the array of colours being locked up [fro] (for) another day.
Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I'm torn between really liking this poem a lot and becoming extremely confused be reading it. I've reread it three times and feel overcome by the whole thing. In all, I believe that make a great poem. Making people think.
I would maybe suggest a bit of capitalization and punctuation to throw a bit of structure to the piece. It would make it easier to read when you direct the flow.
Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I liked the descriptions of the grandparents and grandchildren sitting around the table telling their ghost stories. What a nice image.
But your ending paragraph doesn't quite fit the rest of the story. It seems more like an essay, then the end of this story. Maybe you could add a bit of dialogue between the grandparents wishing the story evenings still happened, or something like that.
One typo, if you're interested-
*depression prompted a discussion with grandma.
(Grandma)
I wasn't quite ready for the horrific scene that takes place here, but it was good, almost Stephen Kingish.
A couple of nagging questions-
- why doesn't the father run to his son to stop the bleeding from the gash on his face? Would this type of injury require emergency treatment, not just going to a neighbor's house?
A suggestion on one of your sentences-
With the realization and guilt of what she had done Jessabel lifted the knife that she had used on Mechal, Jessabel drove it into her heart.
...Mechal, and drove it into her heart
With tears in my eyes and throat, I bow my head to you.
This was so beautifully written. Like you said, it was like watching a slow dance. You have told such a horrific story in such a beautifully dramatic way. And the part about the bassey hound at the end almost make me lose it.
You seem to have been very taken by this song and this man. The love for the memory is evident in the words that you write.
I would suggest adding a bit more punctuation. (I only see one comma, one period.) It will make the poem flow better if you show the reader were you want them to pause while reading.
Another suggestion:
& slowly begin to play
write out and
I will love you & treasure you forever
same suggestion here
This was written very well with a very different type of theft, quite original.
The only thing that I found was that I was having problems sympathizing with your main character. He really bothered me with how caveleer he was. In other words, I didn't care for him. And in a normal book scenario, I probably wouldn't have finished it.
I've given you a 4 star rating because the idea and writing style was both unique, and as I said, written well. You just didn't give me a character that I wanted to know much about.
To have the courage to share such a raw emotional part of your life, is why I given you 5 stars.
I can only hope, as I know you do also, that in writing this you have given someone else reading this, Hope.
Hope for the parent who is watching their child living through this hell, and hope to the child trying to find the top of the incredibly deep hole that they have fallen into.
This was really beautiful. Such an elegant elegy for this poor young woman.
You elude to a violent death- a cratered moon that bore the scars,
This light upon life’s waves that crushed
Soul’s soft caress of human ash,
but with such carefully chosen words.
I vaguely remember, on a trek with the Girl Scouts, the summer I turned fifteen, going through or near this town. I definately remember being told about it.
Very nice poem. I liked the refernece to the prairie dogs.
Keep writing!
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