A very interesting out look on this particular subject.
It sounds like you are very close to term and cannot wait to the end. Good luck to you. The only thing is, in your description you mention that you will be talking about the change on a woman's life. I really didn't see this. Maybe you could go back and extand upon this after the baby is born- if you can find the time!
How often we are asked that question. Do the people asking, really care? I know that I've found myself no longer asking, if I don't have the time to listen to the answer.
Such a heart-wrenching story. The descriptions you've written pull your reader right in and drag us along with you, through your sad life.
I like this line:
You were somehow still ruggedly handsome, even as the dignity leaked from you onto the sidewalk at your feet.
A couple of typos, if your interested-
*I was such a light sleeper, every creak and moan forcing my tiny lids open long before those of mom’s.
(capitalize Mom's)
*I don’t remember if the record player was actually on that night or if that was just my way of forcing mom to come to accept what I had grown so accustomed to.
(capitalize Mom)
You might also want to open this piece up, format wise. It's a little hard to read on the monitor in this format.
I can feel your pain at not recooperating at a faster pace. But as I was reading this, my focus was not on Christmas, but instead your son. He seemed to be your inspiration to try and your cheerleader when you succeeded. This may have all started at Christmas, but I'm sure, if you think about it, he was the reason that you tried as hard as you did to recover quickly.
One question here-
*I call it my d-anger zone. (and in the next sentence as well.)
Why do you have an apostrophe here?
A very beautiful poem to commemorate a giving life.
I really liked this passage- while the rain hammered from one side,
and the thunder shook you on the other
as you pedaled on to the Keys.
repeating throughout the piece. It gave me the feel of continueing, or going on, even in the rain and the thunder and the tears.
Nice work,
Keep writing!
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Aside from the formatting problems, the story is great!
I did find a couple of punctuation problems, that I've detailed below-
* “When the fork lift operator enters the building through the back door, all you have to do(,) Chuckie(,) is help the other guys unload what's on it or the wooden skids,” said George.
*Rather odd(,) I thought(,) to have it parked over here by the yawning entrance to a furniture store, but I assumed that the previous operator may have gone home early.
I can see that you are very passionate. Bravo for you. You are also very sure of yourself. Congradulations.
You have very many credible points here. But you also need to rememeber that magazines, books and films are meant to be entertaining. If not, they would all be self-help items and not many people would give them the time of day.
Back up your observations with some statistics on bulimia, anoxeria and other teen disorders. This would give your article the added kick that it needs to make it great.
A typo, if you're interested-
* Ever bought a magazine cause you’ve been sucked into thinking that you can actually become what you have seen on the cover[.](?)
Keep Writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is wonderful!
Why would you say a "sorry attempt"?
Your rhyming scheme is fine, the flow is good. And you say so much in four quick stanzas!
The first daughter- everything is new and bright.
The second daughter- vieing for your attention, she give you a bit of trouble.
The third daughter- a tossle of curls and a grin to go with!
Did find one small typo, a missing period-
*Her laughter filled with glee(.)
Remember, not all poetry has to rhyme.
Check out mine some time!
(Sorry, didn't mean to rhyme there, it just happened)
I most enjoyed the sequence when the old dog goes to meet his masters at the bridge. It brought goosebumps to me arms and tears to me eyes.
I did find a few typos, and had a few suggestions; if you are interested-
*Throughout their childhood, the little bridge featured prominently in most of their games, and many happy and contented hours were spent sitting on the fishing bridge, rods dangling hopefully over the shallow pebble bottomed stream.
(I would suggest breaking this into two sentences.)
*She did the laundry that they brought home in their new duffel bags (and) ensured that [that] their favourite foods were served at meal times.
*When the dog saw [was](that) the boy was awake, he left his basket and walked stiffly to the closed bedroom door.
*They too had lost beloved children, sons who had grown up with [of} the twins and their brother.
*But in the painting before him, the boys’ heads (were)up and they were [both] smiling, looking directly into their brother’s eyes.
Beautiful story.
You brought a tear and a smile to my face.
Only a parent could read this through the first time and "get it". Only Mom's and Dad's understand and can hear the difference between the "hungry" cry, the "diaper" cry, and "I'm scared" cry. You've expressed this wonderfully.
No typos.
Might want to play around with the commas and layout of the piece to help it flow better. (Just my opinion.)
Keep writing!
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I like the imagery of the "lost flight of the birds", and your thoughts "rushing by like buffalo herds."
A few lines in this stanza seem a bit forced in order to allow the rhyme- I want to say them,
But my mind won't let me go.
These are the things
You'll never know.
You have no idea
The distance I'd go.
All in all, a good poem. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
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A very creative look at getting acquainted with this remarkable site. I could amost picture myself walking along with you.
You should continue this. I'm sure that there are Newbies out there that are looking for help navigating this site. You could "walk" them through it all!
I can just picture this little one, trying to look his best, trying to get just enough attention to plead his case, but not to get repremanded. So sad.
I like how he mentions that she looks "just like his mother" even though he's never seen her, only dreams of her.
Very touching, I can't believe no one has rated or reviewed it!
Keep writing!
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