I wasn't quite ready for the horrific scene that takes place here, but it was good, almost Stephen Kingish.
A couple of nagging questions-
- why doesn't the father run to his son to stop the bleeding from the gash on his face? Would this type of injury require emergency treatment, not just going to a neighbor's house?
A suggestion on one of your sentences-
With the realization and guilt of what she had done Jessabel lifted the knife that she had used on Mechal, Jessabel drove it into her heart.
...Mechal, and drove it into her heart
With tears in my eyes and throat, I bow my head to you.
This was so beautifully written. Like you said, it was like watching a slow dance. You have told such a horrific story in such a beautifully dramatic way. And the part about the bassey hound at the end almost make me lose it.
You seem to have been very taken by this song and this man. The love for the memory is evident in the words that you write.
I would suggest adding a bit more punctuation. (I only see one comma, one period.) It will make the poem flow better if you show the reader were you want them to pause while reading.
Another suggestion:
& slowly begin to play
write out and
I will love you & treasure you forever
same suggestion here
This was written very well with a very different type of theft, quite original.
The only thing that I found was that I was having problems sympathizing with your main character. He really bothered me with how caveleer he was. In other words, I didn't care for him. And in a normal book scenario, I probably wouldn't have finished it.
I've given you a 4 star rating because the idea and writing style was both unique, and as I said, written well. You just didn't give me a character that I wanted to know much about.
To have the courage to share such a raw emotional part of your life, is why I given you 5 stars.
I can only hope, as I know you do also, that in writing this you have given someone else reading this, Hope.
Hope for the parent who is watching their child living through this hell, and hope to the child trying to find the top of the incredibly deep hole that they have fallen into.
This was really beautiful. Such an elegant elegy for this poor young woman.
You elude to a violent death- a cratered moon that bore the scars,
This light upon life’s waves that crushed
Soul’s soft caress of human ash,
but with such carefully chosen words.
I vaguely remember, on a trek with the Girl Scouts, the summer I turned fifteen, going through or near this town. I definately remember being told about it.
Very nice poem. I liked the refernece to the prairie dogs.
I liked that it was written with personality, not just the how to's. Adding your own trials and tribulations is an added bonus to the educational aspects of the article.
A couple of typos-
* in the continental united states or abroad.
(I believe United States should be capitalized)
* I choked and pr[r]actically spit my drink at him.
This sounds so much like a tragic ending to a sorrowfully doomed lover affair.
I think that this is me favorite line- from pecking my heart
into bits too small
to be sewn to your sleeve
It is so descriptive, this heart being torn into bits too small to be worn openly any longer.
Sounds a lot like a Valentine's Day without a lover, but instead with a wonderful friend. Sometimes it's better that way, being able to make fun, instead of crying over the old.
Two small typos-
*we have fun,( )anyway.
*We have fun,( )anyway.
Keep writing!
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"Picking and choosing reality"
I really liked this particular line. Everyone traveling the same road, but each of us seeing our own reality. Such a unique look at life
I didn't see any spelling errors or punctuation typos.
The ingrediants all seem good by themselves, but together? Maybe if you describe how the candy turns out, it would make me want to try it more. Is it fudge like?
Maybe you could even add a photograph of a batch of this made up? You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words!
Your words ring so true, unfortunately not many people believe enough in this institution to hear it. In this "Me" generation, "me" comes first, "you" second, and somewhere down the line is "us".
Blue and Yellow making Green is forever, even after one of the colors is gone, because what was colored is still around.
You will never know how much your words have touched me. Your words here have exactly shown the destroying disease of Alzeheimer's.
Beautifully written. You have captured the delicate despair that is witnessed in this disease. May many more people read this, and gain the knowledge to help stop this horrible disease.
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