Hi Renegade, I like this story, it builds progressively and flows well. I felt I wanted a more vivid decscription of the capture as it was the climax of the story. I was lost a little at the ending. It seems you didn't give enough background to give the ending any meaning unless it was an on going story.
A couple things I noticed you may want to rethink; paragraph 3, ..loud voice thumped at the door, rather loudly. Well you used loud twice which sounds odd to me and also, a voice thumped...it sounds like the voice is physically thumping on the door?
Paragraph five.....As if they were out to get him...weren't they out to get him?
Paragraph six ...... He didn't know how he turned himself into this path as a criminal....This sentence just doesn't seem to work for me the way it is written, maybe he slid toward the path of a criminal?.
Overall, Well done. My comments are merely sugjestions as a reader. Please don't take them as anything but that. Ski
Trace, This is a riviting poem if poeple read it for what it is. The problem today is people see what they want or are expected to see. You are right our society tends to see our short commings instead of our talents....That is one thing that is good about this site, You have the opportunity to show what is inside before people judge your outside...That is when the tru person shines through. I don't really believe in the word handicap, I just think there is too much talk about it. If someone has a problem, physical or mental and they need my help, I will be happy to lend a hand. The thing is they should be putting in effort too. If they want everything done for them and are unwilling to try and help themselves, Well the "poor me" does sit well with me. There are so many people that have huge problems and find a way to do things for them self.... I have much respect for them... Anyway, rambling too much here. Point is, your poem is great as it causes people to think... Great job! Ski
Kenzie, great piece. As I read it, I found that I agreed a lot but also disagreed some. In Timothy 2:22
Run away from anything that gives you evil thoughts. No, I don't agree. One of the reasons we have lost control in this world today is that we run and hide, we put on blinders and think I do see therefore it is not true. I say do not run from this evil...stand up and overpower it.. if you do, it will be weakened and you will conquer it! Once you realize you can win, it becomes so much easier.
Your paragraph on abstinence (not sex) with bad things in the world or dangerous things.... Again I think to master danger and bad, we have to stand strong and embrace it. An example when my kids were small, they were drawn to the stairs..well it was a dangerous situation. My wife wanted to barracade the area....I wanted to teach them how to climb the stairs properly and give them the ability to respect the danger.... We should embrace life the same way...knowledge is the key...... Ski
Hi Starrforall, I like this piece and get the feeling there is much more to it (or could be) I only saw one small problem, I the first paragraph you wrote; Shes been Barbara for too long...should be... she's. Great piece i would like to see it expanded. Ski
Hi Lightnight. Very moving story. I think crying is a relative thing. Many of us cry inside but not with tears. Does not mean why love any less or feel the loss any less. I too am not much of a crier. I write alot about it in my writig, again in my own way it is crying. It is sad when we lose a loved one and it seems we never spent quite enough time with them. The world is so busy these days. You and I are about the same age so I suppose we were both brought up different than the kids today. When I was younger, it was not OK for a boy to cry. In your story, I would like to see you use the word (had) a little less. It was enough to distract from th estory a bit. One way to get your emotions out might be to write a story about her. I think that helps sometimes.Good job. Ski
Hi Lightnight, I thought I would return the favor and read one of your stories. I like to think that everyone has a different style and am careful not to compare them to everyone else. In other words, I rate as the story moves me. I prefer to read pieces that are out of the ordinary and not too parralled to other styles. In your story, it is easy for me to relate as my wife has four cats. (well OK, I have them too!) Your description hits home as I read it. One thing I would like to see a little more of is; showing the stroy more rather than telling. This would require a little more descriptive wording. I love the ending! I am sure we are our pet's pets!! Ski
Kenzie, excelent article! I have never thought of it that way. It makes so much sense. Rest assured I am going to pay attemtion now and just maybe send something in. Thanks. Ski
Hi Diabhail, this poem is very vived and reaks emotion. The plight with addiction is so appearant yet saddening. The true essense of addiction is the love/hate relationship that forms. You radiate that well here. The end is so strong; One last drag, one more, then two. This part hits reality and doesn't need the rest of the poem to support it! Very well written. Ski
Shelly, This is a beautiful piece. It radiated sensual emotion and flowed well. I enjoyrd reading it.
In the last paraghraph, you said "I love you" He didn't? Ski
Hi T L Finch. This is a very moving poem. Even though it is short, the poem reeks of emotion and pulls at the heart of the reader. Not something I would want to hear anyone say seriuosly. Overall very good piece and it flows well. Ski
HI Gorgiawill, Haiku is so hard for me because I tend to get wordy to get my point across. This one seems to be well done. The comparison of blowing leaves and singing birds and the association of spring. I think you did a good job here. I guess I can't say I enjoyed the read when it was only three sentences long huh? Ski
Hi Melanie, At first read the poem seemed a little confusing, but then when I read the second time, it made more sense to me. I think the emotion would radiate a little better if the piece was flowed a little smoother. I am not so much a poem writer as I am reader so I don't have any sugjestions. Keep in mind that my opinion might be all wet... Ski
Hi D.L. This is an interesting point of view. There are some points here that I agree with, some I can vision or comprehend but am not convinced is true or not true. There are some thoughts here that seem very far fetched and I would not be swayed to entertain their existance. I agree that God in the essense of religious belief is manifested from the fact that they did not really know or understand the power of their surrondings. I agree that it apears unlikely that one being controls our lives and has the strenght and assumed lack of compasion to allow some of the horrible things that happen here. It is also illusions of Grandour to think we on earth are it, we are top dog in infinity. That surely cannot be true. Perhaps the snuff of a life is merely no more than you walking through the forest and stepping on a bug and killing it. You did not plan nor expect to kill. You have no remorse as you do not understand the life of the bug. Perhaps, some almighty force decided that it was time for the bug to die and it guided your foot to that exact spot to do his bidding. Foolosh you say? Well the point is, that we don't really know and maybe it is because we do not have the mental capability to grasp the esssence of it. Ski
I enjoyed this poem. It flowed well and the essence was appearant. I think lauhgter is some thing that breeds. If yoy want some then give some. Overall good Job Ski
Hi Lukewarm. I enjoyed this read. The story had a good plot and it flowed well. I would read further chapters. I did have a couple items to point out. The first three paragraph seem over done to me. I reads like you are trying to grab the reader and suck them in. It felt to me like just the oposite. The extra (or & ands) break up the flow and the color reference with constant modifiers distracted me from the story. I think some people might not read on. Starting at paragraph four the story took off and pulled me in. I would have liked it much better if the first three paragraphs were written in the same context as the rest.You are a very good writer and I don't think you need all those extra modifiers to keep the readers interest. If you do decide to polish the first three, let me know because I would love to read it. Overall a very good piece. Ski
Excellent poem. It flowed well and radiated a clear message. I have always looked to the eyes of others for the truth as very few can really hide it from the observant. I think you should let your eyes run free as that is the image that will draw people to your world and end the self intimidation. Sometimes you have to take a chance. Good job, you got me thinking. Ski
pretty interesting point of view. I think it brings up a lot of points to ponder. As an essay, I became a little tired of reasing it in the middle. I think because it lost my interest a bit. The same thought was still being evaluted and I think I was ready for a new one. Overall well written but something is missing. I don't know what it is is. Ski
Hi Sharon, I enjoyed this story. It was different and there was basically no twist which I expected one.....so actually there was a twist which is no twist. Good Job Ski
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