This is an excellent story. I am a chocolate lover and the essence of this piece, jumped off the screen and I could acually smell the description and longed for the taste in my mouth. I was left a little dissapointed at the end though. I expected the last piece to be semisweet chocolate with caramel inside as this is surely one of the best combinations. I am pretty sure that this person was not a true chocolate lover because even though the vanilla was bland, after everything else was gone it would have been eaten too. Also a true lover of chocolate would have smelled each individual paper cup before wrinkling them up and discarding them. Great read! Ski
I liked this story. What a refreshing piece. Sends a great message about morals and how we should deal with these types of things. Written well and very fluent. Ski
Very good! This poem flowed well and the essence of it's meaning jumped off the page, especially when read outloud. It is sad to realize how true this can be. Perhaps the next day will bring a happiness that can last to the night. Good job. Ski
Hi, I am not sure where you are going with this piece or perhaps you aren't finished? The title is (The Apple in your eye) That makes me think the essence of your story surrounds nishant? You repeated the last eight paragraphs? Maybe I just don't understand? The story line and basic idea is good and I think could make a very good story. I would be happy to read it again when you are done. Ski
Wow, A very moving story. It is good to hear that some do escape. This story definately brings out a lot of emotion as we all can imagine how we would feel if our own child was taken from us with no explination. This is the type of story I can't stop reading in the middle, have to go to the end. Glad it wasn't 20 pages. Good job Ski
This is a moving poem. There are a lot of people writing about the kids in uniform right now. I thought yours radiated a strong message and incorporated the sorry at home too. One minor thing, when read outload the flow is interupted a little by the lack or rhyme in 3rd and last stanza. Overall a very good piece. ski
I think longing to be published is a great goal, but I am realistic enough to know that the percentage is quite low. Maybe someday I will want that. Right now I have been writing for a year and am sure that there is a lot more I need to learn. I am sure at this stage I would be ignored. Great poll. Ski
I am so glad I found this site. Of course I have not experienced any other so it is hard to compare. I did have a little trouble at first negotiating on this site but luckily had help from the many wonderful writers here. I didn't consider myself a writer before I landed here. Now? Well I'm almost a writer! That is a step in the right direction.
Thanks for this site Ski
J.A. Buxton, Thank-you for writing this. I am a new writer and my self esteem can be fragile at times. I too have had some tough reviews, some warranted some not. The readers here that respect a writers point of view are the also the best reviewers. When I review a piece and the writing is good, even if I don't personally care for the content, I still give a good review. The worst problem here is when a person sends an honest review on a piece that needs work and gets retaliation in return. Thanks again Ski
This is a great question but your choices do not allow for an acurate answer. I think that a reader would want to write a review out of common respect and to explain their reasons for the rating. However
the real problem is people that use the raring system in a vendictive way. If i had the choice, I would set it up to restrict 1, 1.5 and 2 without a review or not allow anonymous for those low ratings. The reason most raters want to use anonymous is when they rate 3 or less and worry about the vendictive response. Ski
I have never thought of the dead time between sleep and awake. This poem is a unique way of describing that. the vision I get is quite intriguing. I particularly like the last phrase "I will fray all the flesh from my name" That just turns us inside out don't it. Good Jpb Ski
This is an excellent poem. It brings the reader along on the same journey and I like the fact that it has a happy ending. It could easily describe lifes adventure as we dig toward our unknown ending and once we get close the light appears and guides us to the ever after. Is this what you had in mind when you wrote it? Great job Ski
Brigith, I understand that this is a draft so I won't bore you with minor corrections, There are a few but easily solved. I like the thought of where your story is going. One thing to remember is that the first chapter will make or break your reader, so you have to be careful not to become to slow and be sure to build up the imagery enough to give the ready a vivid vision of your story. That includes the characters, try to present them to the reader so they create a connection and somewhat understand the characters on an individual bassis. An easy way to do this is take each paragraph separately and work on it. Make sure it says what you want. I also will read my stuff outloud to get a feel for the fow and imagery. I hope I have been of some help. Overall good start here. Ski
I thought you did a very good job here. I don't see why you wouldn't want to write more poetry. I like the story line, it flowed consistantly through out the piece and the essence was protrayed very well. I enjoyed this read. Overall, I thought it was a good job Ski
This is a cute story that could easily be part of a colection or chapters. I like the story line and could relate to the characters. The memory of my own loud exhaust when I was young come flashing to my brain as I read. One thing I would recommend though, is to split your paragraphs more. It will make the read easier and enhance the story flow. Overall very good piece. Ski
I really enjoyed this story. Your perspective is proffesional and humerous. I think It takes a big person to keep the re-active remarks at bay for the good of the people involved. A head butting in that situation is clearly what the sister wanted. Seems like she needed to be on her throne and the more you bucked, the higher the throne would grow. Great story. Ski
Very good poem. I think the essence would reach a lot of people that want to have faith but don't know how. I think you have to start by having faith in yourself, then accept what you believe in your heart to be true, dance your dance and let (Jesus or insert however you worship here) come to you! My point is that you can believe in goodness and follow the right path no matter what your beliefs are! (that is true faith) good job
Ski
Great job! I assume you have a melody in mind? You did an excellent job structuring your verses and the flow was smooth. Everthing seemed to be in the right place. Ski
excellent story. It is ironic when reading your description of the people on earth. Some points are so true. I enjoyed your prospective and the view you created. I think you could debate your view quite well. Overall a good piece and a point of view that has been well thpought out Ski
Wow, This is an excellent story. It is very vivid and the emotions jump off the page. The descriptions easily create the visions needed to understand the turmoil. Overall this is a well written story, I enjoyed it very much I think the intruder got what he deserved. Good job Ski
Hi, I think you have the potentual for a good story here, but you should proof it some more first. Also I think it could flow a little better especially in the middle if you try to describe the story rather than tell the story. I did get a little confused with the first arrival of Kyle and the problems Grace was having with him. Perhaps the flashback could be introduced sooner? Just a thought. One other thing that will help keep interest is to introduce the characters with a view of who they are so that the reader connects with them. Overall I thought your piece was good but it could better with minor adjustments . Ski
It was very interesting to hear your point of view. Now I have never sat down and talked to a "whitness" as you say, so I am not prepared to discuss your religion with you. A couple things stand out though. One, It seems you consider yourself a finatic. I find that odd as most people with deep beliefs would not view themselves that way. Also I am surprised to hear you struggling with fitting in, if you strongly belief in your current journey then why do you have to fit in? if you want the subject to come up, why can't you instigate the discussion? You might be shocked to see how many people don't know how to start the conversation but are quite curious about it. Now once you bring your beliefs out in the open (with out preaching or judging other people) then they will know and understand your decisions. Now you should not feel like an outsider. It appears you are the one causing those feelings? Thanks for listening Ski
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