Well, you've got me reading on. You do a good job of saying a lot in a few words. I am enjoying the tale but somehow, I feel that you are racing through the story somewhat.
So much of what you tell us could be presented from a character's point of view, rather than in narrative. This would help us to get to know the story at the same time as getting to know your characters. For intance, Ned could have a conversation about the provision for his parents, or he could visit them.
I thought I'd show you what I mean about the layout of the dialogue; I hope this helps.
Ned turned his head just as he was about to smack into Mr. Unger’s desk. “Well, Agent Young! What brings you to my desk so early in the morning.” Before Ned could fumble with an explanation, John hurried in and pulled Ned away, saying, “Sorry, Chief, but we found the papers, so there’s no need to drag you into it. Problem is solved!” To Ned he said, “Let’s go before we’re late for the briefing.” In unison, John and Ned blurted out, “See you later, chief.” Mr. Unger just shook his head and slammed his office door shut.
Ned turned his head just as he was about to smack into Mr. Unger’s desk.
“Well, Agent Young! What brings you to my desk so early in the morning?” Before Ned could fumble with an explanation, John hurried in and pulled Ned away, saying,
“Sorry, Chief, but we found the papers, so there’s no need to drag you into it. Problem is solved!” To Ned he said, “Let’s go before we’re late for the briefing.” In unison, John and Ned blurted out,
“See you later, chief.” Mr. Unger just shook his head and slammed his office door shut.
I believe it is not normal in America to end paragraphs with commas, as we would if we were about to start speech. The tag could move down in to the paragraph with the new speech to avoid this problem.
It is generally not correct to start a sentence with a conjunction (joining word): ...was jeopardized by treachery and dissent. But perseverance and loyal workers like Timmons... You could just omit the but and it would still make sense.
This is just a suggestion, ...at the previous meeting the week before, ...at a similar meeting, a week earlier..
“Well, I’ll probably won’t be around much longer. “Well, I’ll probably not be around much longer.
Near the end of paragraph five, you repeat the word too quite closely.
Our elderly gave us so much of themselves throughout their lives, and they shouldn’t be short changed just because they became old. who's saying this? It seems out of place here. I think you should leave the reader to infer the level of gratitude and honour from what you've already given.
...the predictions of the astrologists... I hope you mean astronomers , maybe even, cosmologists.
I suspect you would have picked up most of what I've pointed out for yourself; you are clearly an acomplished and careful writer. I hope I have saved you some work by making these observations.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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