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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this on "Invalid Item.

At first glance, this poem may seem a typical man's undomesticted cry for his mommy. He seems to want his lover back, so she can do the dishes, and keep the house clean.

Actually, this poem is much more than thet. It is a metaphor for a wish to purge all the hurt and misunderstanding of a relationship. The dirty kitchen stands for the neglected love, and the promise to clean it up is a promise to try harder in future.

I particularly liked the line, I will let it mold grass green, send
spores adrift, to call you home.
It is slightly shocking in its imagery, but also original and witty.

This is an interesting and multi-layered poem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This description of your wonderful holidays in the Adirondack mountains, is wonderful. I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for posting it on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .

I is great to have such rich memories of a place you love. I have never allowed myself to return to a holidy destination, because I am always searching for new experiences, but I see from your writing, that I am missing out on that happy familiarity that makes this sort of vacation so satisfying.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of A Day to Remember  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story made me smile, but my stomach was churning with you. I do not like heights either, and like you, it is only certain sorts of heights I don't like - high open places, like a cliff path, or a railless parapet or a ski-lift are the worst. The description of the feeling that one is going to throw oneself off, at the beginning of this piece is very accurate.

I really enjoyed this story and think it was very brave of you march off down the ski slope, thank goodness you were not mowed down by racing boarders.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this fine story on "Invalid Item

I love reading about the wilderness and this story particularly appealed to me because it included a faithful hound. I have written a story about surviving off the land, "Invalid Item. Have a look, if you have the time.

Your story was enjoyable to read but I think there is some editing to do. You need to check for repetition and spelling errors, here are a few slips, I noticed:

Suggestions
*Bullet* German Shepperd *Right* German Shepherd (I loved the dog's name, by the way *Smile*)
*Bullet* He always tries to collect a pin you've changed tense here, you need, tried
*Bullet*In this case, the intruder could range from a person to an unfortunate bird. the repetition of "intruder" sounds a little awkward, and you do not tell us what was approaching.
*Bullet* they saw many berry bushes more detail here would be good. Name the berries if possible, and describe them.
*Bullet* Once he was done... you begin quite a few sentences with "Once"- beware repetition.
*Bullet* Carl would relax and enjoy ... It is better to avoid using "would" like this. You slip into this mood and out of it, at different times in your story. By cutting "would", you make your story sound more immediate and active.

I do love the idea of this story and am sure that you can polish it up into a gem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Mac  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I saw this on the Review request Page.

This is a vivid study of a character. The story is sad and hopeless, which is what most of us see when we see people like Mac. I am not sure about the incest. It seems unnecessary to me. Do you need him to be without redemption - character-wise?

I would urge you to edit this piece, carefully. You need to get rid of fragments and clean up the sentence structure in places. It would be helpful to the reader, if you separated all the paragraphs with a line space.

Do you think a more catchy title might help this story?

Suggestions

*Bullet*The machine spit out ten fresh cards... *Right* spat

*Bullet*so she was happy when he came in. this phrase seems redundant. You could just omit it, and it would not take anything away from the sentence.

*Bullet*The recliner was old and tearing at the seams. I suggest, ...torn at the seams. This is simpler and smoother.

*Bullet*A terrible one that Mac never fully recovered from. This is a fragment. It should be connected to the previous sentence. It is also wise, in most cases, to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition. *Right* ...a terrible one, from which he had never fully recovered. Some may think this is pedantic, but I think it gives a more polished tone to writing.

*Bullet*Mac’s wife, Gloria, had died only two years before Grace’s accident in her own—hers taking place in the bathtub. this sentence is confusing. I suggest you rewrite it, maybe making it two, separate sentences.

*Bullet*She was, in fact, what finally got him out of his room. And she suddenly became his life. here you have a sentence which is a subordinate clause and should be linked to the previous sentence with a comma. You might prefer "who" rather than "what". or try. His love for her was, in fact, what finally got him out of his room, and she suddenly became his life.

*Bullet*he waved his hands franticly typo: frantically although this may be English spelling, so check it in your own dictionary.

I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Diane's Story  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a charming account of your life. What adventures you recall. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about them.

If you want to perfect the grammar, ask me, and I will help if I can, I quite like the way you express yourself, though. There is a natural rhythm to it, which gives your writing such personality.

Some bits might need clarifying. This is an example;

You went to bed with the chickens and rose up with the chickens This made me chuckle - sounds a little unhygeinic to me *Laugh*. It does sound like you actually bedded down in the chicken shed.

Congratulations of the birth of your grand daughter. Condolences on the death of your brother and sister. I hope the year brightens for you. It seems so often the way, that we loose more than one close friend, or relative, in a short time period.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of BRIAN'S BALLAD  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very moving tribute to your dear friend. I am very sorry for your loss. It only happened 6 years ago, and you must be wondering when you will be able to stop hurting.

These are the events that shape our lives. It is only through experiencing deep, shocking grief that you can empathise with others when it happens to them. I remember wishing I could understand my husband's grief over the death of his father, who I never knew - then a very close friend of mine died suddenly, and I felt that I had almost wished it to happen.

I hope that writing about Brian has expiated some of the grief for you.

There was one error that I spotted; I've yet to stop morning... *Right* mourning.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*


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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a powerful poem with a strong message.

I agree that it is the psychopaths we need to fear, because they do not have the constraints of conscience.

I did not realise that it was an acrostic at first, which means you've done a good job. Maybe you could highlight the first letter of each line with a colour.

Unfortunately psycopaths are human, just like the rest of us. Maybe we need to reassess what we expect of humans.

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a poem with a clear message. It tells us that age, and the past in general should be respected. This is something that most would agree with.

Suggestions

The lines,
Present is built on the past
Past is gold, present is clay.
would have worked better for me, if you had the Past is rock, present is clay this give the image a continuity of theme - just a thought.

These final lines,
Rejoice that indelible,
Are you part of history.

seem very contorted, is there any way you can make these lines more natural?

This poem made me think of all the uses we have for old newspapers, some of them, not very respectful. Some line their cat litter trays or bird cages with them; they were once used to wrap fish and chips; Homeless people use them as blankets; Old newspapers are often saved and recycled. You filled my head with metaphors.

I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Congratulations on the award.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item.

It is a masterful piece of imagery, aided by the stunning image that heads it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... seems cliched in comparison to your insightful message. If only we could all learn to open our eyes and see the beauty around us.

All around me is plush greens. stands out because of its idiosyncratic use of the third person singular of the verb to be with the plural noun; how innovative!

Write on!



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Review of Bedroom Surprise  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I think the title of this poem is a real puller.

The surprise is good.

You build the tension well. Maybe a little more metaphor would help, but avoid cliche.

...her undies came off last I think you should have ...her undies come off last

Slipping in silently. is a clever line it has alliteration and it is ambiguous in meaning, it is just a shame that it is cliched. Maybe you could find an equally effective, but more original phrase here.

Please don't set whole texts in colours. I think it looks unprofessional. I understand your reason for it here, but it really is so much easier on the eyes if set in plain, old black.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm enjoying this story...

Suggestion (only one)
“How may I help you, miss” you need a question mark.

Ha Ha *Laugh* just typical! The beautiful heroine has to wear a see-through diving suit, but there's only one so the man accompanying her will be fully covered in a traditional diving outfit. You are writing this for film, aren't you? *Bigsmile*

Best wishes

Mavis Moog
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I'm glad to see that the right answer has most of the votes.

Writing.com is better than any writing class. The wide variety of styles, opinions and knowledge found here are invaluable to anyone who cares about writing.

Feedback is so important to a writer. I have learnt so much from other members and will be eternally grateful to them.

I love the international reach of the site. It is great to make friends - writing buddies, not chat-room lonely hearts - all over the world. The different cultures and influences are so stimulating.

I hope this site continues to prosper, I seriously do not know what I would do without it.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*

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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, you've got me reading on. You do a good job of saying a lot in a few words. I am enjoying the tale but somehow, I feel that you are racing through the story somewhat.

So much of what you tell us could be presented from a character's point of view, rather than in narrative. This would help us to get to know the story at the same time as getting to know your characters. For intance, Ned could have a conversation about the provision for his parents, or he could visit them.

I thought I'd show you what I mean about the layout of the dialogue; I hope this helps.

Ned turned his head just as he was about to smack into Mr. Unger’s desk. “Well, Agent Young! What brings you to my desk so early in the morning.” Before Ned could fumble with an explanation, John hurried in and pulled Ned away, saying, “Sorry, Chief, but we found the papers, so there’s no need to drag you into it. Problem is solved!” To Ned he said, “Let’s go before we’re late for the briefing.” In unison, John and Ned blurted out, “See you later, chief.” Mr. Unger just shook his head and slammed his office door shut.

Ned turned his head just as he was about to smack into Mr. Unger’s desk.

“Well, Agent Young! What brings you to my desk so early in the morning?” Before Ned could fumble with an explanation, John hurried in and pulled Ned away, saying,

“Sorry, Chief, but we found the papers, so there’s no need to drag you into it. Problem is solved!” To Ned he said, “Let’s go before we’re late for the briefing.” In unison, John and Ned blurted out,

“See you later, chief.” Mr. Unger just shook his head and slammed his office door shut.


I believe it is not normal in America to end paragraphs with commas, as we would if we were about to start speech. The tag could move down in to the paragraph with the new speech to avoid this problem.

It is generally not correct to start a sentence with a conjunction (joining word): ...was jeopardized by treachery and dissent. But perseverance and loyal workers like Timmons... You could just omit the but and it would still make sense.

This is just a suggestion, ...at the previous meeting the week before, *Right* ...at a similar meeting, a week earlier..

“Well, I’ll probably won’t be around much longer. *Right* “Well, I’ll probably not be around much longer.

Near the end of paragraph five, you repeat the word too quite closely.

Our elderly gave us so much of themselves throughout their lives, and they shouldn’t be short changed just because they became old. who's saying this? It seems out of place here. I think you should leave the reader to infer the level of gratitude and honour from what you've already given.

...the predictions of the astrologists... I hope you mean astronomers *Smile*, maybe even, cosmologists.

I suspect you would have picked up most of what I've pointed out for yourself; you are clearly an acomplished and careful writer. I hope I have saved you some work by making these observations.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am not a great fan of sci-fi, having read far too much of it as a youngster. I do think you write well, though and I enjoyed the easy pace of this first chapter.

You select your words carefully and I spotted no errors or misplaced phrasing.

One suggestion is that you could use more detailed descriptin of setting. At this early stage of the story, you spend a lot of your time telling us the back story of Rhona (who sounds a little like Lara Croft) but not much time building an atmosphere. Endless scene setting can effect the pace, so I do not recommend you go mad with it, just a few well-chosen details would do the trick.

The characters of John and ned are not expressed very fully here. I am sure there will be much more to come, but maybe you could give them some more attention or else introduce them later.

It is better, in my humble opinion to set speech in new paragraphs. This maybe a case of American convention versus English, but it is clearer if each new speaker has a new paragraph.

I hope my suggestions are helpful to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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PS. I notice that you have some excellent travel items in your portfolio. Please feel free to post them on, "Invalid Item.
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to review it. I have been waiting for my new computer to be delivered.

Suggestions

*Bullet* ...in companionable silence I think this phrase is a little cliched.

*Bullet*The twins were fishing, floppy sun hats pulled low over their foreheads, looking, as their father said, like two halves of one whole. Their heads were bent over their fishing rods, concentrating on the fishing. there are three fishings in this short extract. It would be better not to repeat a word so closely.

*Bullet* The children’s father stocked the dam with fish, for the family’s recreation and the table, and for his farm workers This sentence seems to lose its way a little. *Right* The children’s father stocked the dam with fish, that provided sport for the children and graced the tables of the family and their workers. {c} or something like that.

This is a saga written in a couple of thousand words. I think that is what some may find unsatisfactory about it (although is certainly does not deserve a 1 star rating). You have told a story but not shown it. The main points are there but there is little character development or depth. It reads more like a synopsis than a fully fleshed-out story.

Having said all that, it is moving and there is some powerful description. You just need to slow down and develop the story more. Add some incidents, show some atmosphere and interaction. This could end up a complete novel.

There are some who may find the ending a little mawkish. It does seem rather sentimental and could detract from the genuine empathy many will have for your character.

I hope my suggestons are helpful.

Best wishes
Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of MULLIGAN  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This story is a tale of redemption and hope. It must be no accident that the protagonist's lost love is called Hope.

The description of the hobo struggling to manage in the cold New York streets is vivid. Much of the description of the man is in the second paragraph and we are given a clear image of him. I would only recommend that you use more imagery to convey your character and scene. Precise recording is not as stimulating as imaginative prose.

For example, *Rose* Though Jones was just past his forty-second birthday, he easily looked ten years older. His face was obscured by a wild growth of beard and his hair, unkempt, reached past his shoulders in a wild tangle made worse by the blowing wind. could be brought to life with metaphor - Behind the thorny hedge of whiskers his grime etched features were a tatooed mask of pain. Freezing wind stiffened his strands of greasy hair and held them in a wild-sculpted mane. You probably hate this - I am just trying to give an example of the level of imagery I am recommending.

Here are some suggested error edits;
*Bullet* I don't think Yams needs a capital initial letter.
*Bullet* The table of food had been reduced to crumbs and empty bowels ... *Right*bowls
*Bullet* IT WORKED! I don't think you should use capitals like this, it seems a bit unprofessional. The exclamation mark and a separate paragraph would emphasise the phrase enough.

I enjoyed this story and thought it was well-written, even if it lacked imagery. You are accurate and grammatically correct. The idea behind the story is not startlingly original, but I liked the touch of the little box with red button.

The title is great. I had not heard of Mulligan used in this way before. Your tag line does not need to mention golf, however. It made me think the story was about golf. I also think the term, do-over is a little confusing because it can mean beat-up as in, It was his job to do-over the shopkeeper ....

I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of The Fool  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item.

I like to concept of this poem, it is clever and visual, so you must stick with it. I was completely pulled into the scene by the first stanza, it is good. The repetition of "sad" is very effective. It gives a doleful tone to the lines.

The sudden change from long lines to short ones for the second stanza is an inspired change of pace. It seems to mirror his sadness becoming anger with himself.

The line, despair was nestled, is in the passive mood. This is not a good idea in this otherwise active and pacy section of the poem. Try, despair settled down. the ow vowel sound in down is an appropriate sound for the context. The next 2 lines, a sword of hate,
burning into his existence,
is cliched. Swords and daggers are used far too often; you should try to keep your images fresh.

I love the images presented in the third stanza, except for, her elegant blue eyes. For me, the adjective elegant has connotations of slender, stylishness. These are not the ideas that one would associate with eyes.

The beginning of the fourth stanza is weak. It was then that he knew she was Gone. just does not need saying. You could replace it with She was gone. Which, arguably doesn't need saying either, but at least it is short, and bears the finality of the meaning.

Her radiant skin would never grace his sorrowful eyes, this line is quite horrendous if one considers what it actually means. It sound like her skin was once draped across his eyes. The word grace is not right here. Again, try the active mood. He would never again see her radiant skin. but be careful because, "never again" is used later.

The repetition of skin, here is not effective, and never again would her gossamer skin bless his sorrowful flesh. I also think the word gossamer is not fitting. Skin is firm, soft, silky, cool etc., but not gossamer. If you need another line about her skin it should follow the first line about her skin, not a line that has moved on to the sound of her voice.

I hope these notes are of use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for posting this wonderful piece of post-modernist humour on "Invalid Item.

What's happening? Is it that only brilliant writers are asking me to review thier work, or am I going soft in my old age?

This is a rare treat of fun and Freudian imagery. I absolutely love the hilarious punning and pragmatic literalism. These images are going to give me great dreams tonight *Smile*. Are you a psycho-analyst?

I cannot find a single fault, other than I wanted it to go on and on.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Talking Heads  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JonBBell

I picked this up from the Request Reviews page. I saw your name and thought I would be in for a treat, because iI generally like your work.

I understand the fun behind this piece, but think it needs developing. Bear in mind that I'm English, and I've always thought it funny that there is a World Series in a game that only the Americans play, but I found this story lacked wide appeal. George W Bush, the Red Sox and stem cell research are three potentially comic targets, but maybe you are trying to mix too many ideas in too short a piece.

I think you should expand and explain more.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of torn  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not having seen the question to which this story is a response, I am a little confused as to what this has to do with The Merchant of Venice. Your story is about a woman who marries a man of a different race, against her parent's wishes. The mother dies, and it also transpires that the woman's husband is unfaithful to her.

Jessica: In such a night,
Did pretty Jessica, like a little shrew,
Stealing her soul with many vows of faith,
And ne’er a true one.
This quote is inaccurate.

It should be, Jessica: In such a night
Did young Lorenzo swear he loved her well,
Stealing her soul with many vows of faith,
And ne'er a true one.

Lorenzo: In such a night
Did pretty Jessica, like a little shrew,
Slander her love, and he forgave it her.


Apart from this story being about a love between different cultures, there seems little similarity with the relationship of Lorenze and Jessica. It may be that you did not have to consider anything other than a marriage between two different cultures. In which case this story fits the bill.

In the play, Jessica converts to Christianity for Lorenzo. She is treated well by Lorenzo's friends and most of the Christians are portrayed as honorable men. Only Shylock is depicted as a bad man. Your story does not echo any of these details.

The Merchant of Venice examines anti-semitism, while seeming to be an example of it, itself. Your story does not really examine the nature of racial prejudice. It seems to show the black man as a bad husband and the marriage to be a dreadful mistake. You seem to be showing that duty to one's parents should over-ride all others. Maybe you need to be clearer in the message you want to deliver.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Moments in Spring  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
I saw this poem's link in "People's Choice Newsletter. Where it has been chosen as Poem of the Month.

The spring theme is certainly topical. I love this time of year and this wistful poem captured much of the mood.

Well done.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*


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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I think this is a very bright and cheerful newsletter. I saw Thimpin 's review and thought I would take a look.

I see that you are recommending we all take a look at zwisis's portfolio. I couldn't agree more. Her portfolio is excellent and deserves to be read by everybody. I have been lucky enough to spend the last two weeks or so, interviewing zswisis, so I know what I'm talking about *Smile*. The interview, for those interested is here,
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#947800 by Not Available.


I love the idea of selling advertising space in the People's Choice Newsletter. I think 50 gps is a very reasonable fee, and I will be placing an ad. soon.

The word search was good fun too.

This newsletter is such a breath of fresh air. I hope you get many, many readers.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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249
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item

I enjoyed the read. I particularly enjoyed your representation of the dialect. I could hear it so clearly in my head.

There are a few little things you might want to change,

THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN SHOT!!! It is really not excellent style to use capitals like this. The three exclamation marks at the end are wrong. You can only have one stop at the end of a sentence. I know you are trying to emphasise the shock, but you really do not need to.

...well, magic.” I defiantly responded. this is an example of something you do quite often. I think defiantly responded sounds very awkward. Most of us are taught not to use, "said" too often, but it is often preferable to write, "I said" than distract the reader with too many ingenious speech tags.

Bud pulled up in his John Deer green, 1970, half- ton, four wheel drive pick-up truck. This made me smile, is it really necessary that we know all this about Bud's truck? Is the humour intended? You could be showing something about the character of the narrator, I suppose *Smile*.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem rattles my national pride, it's true. I love my country for too many reasons to list, but then, do not most people love their country.

History is a messy business, we Anglo Saxons, and the celts before us, had quite a time of it with the Romans. The Vikings were not known for their aromatherapy massage techniques. I think some Brits still harbour resentment toward the French due to their 400 year occupation of our Sceptred Isle, but only when it comes to football and politics *Smile*.

I found the carefully syllable-counted lines of this poem a little awkward. Meter is not just a matter of syllable counting. The natural rhythm of the words needs to be considered too. When I read this poem aloud, I found that the rhythm is quite difficult to get ones tongue around.

There were a few instances of unusual construction, which you may want to iron out. These lines, for example,
Riches in yonder shores known as India in the world,
Of whose greatness already had spread out gentle word.
take some analysis to gain the full meaning. My humble suggestion here would be something like,

Spice and jewels and silken cloth on Indian shores laid bare.
Stately land of gentle men, India was good and fair.
This is less peculiar in it's grammar and I hope it says what you intended. Of course, "Indian" and "India" need to be pronounced as two syllables, and "jewels" as one.

You will have to come and visit England some time, if you haven't already, and see what so many find quite pleasant about it *Bigsmile*, despite the weather.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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