This is a wonderful poem! With Valentines day around the corner, I should probably seek your advice about what I should do for my girl friend.
Thanks for Sharing,
David
Thank you for sharing this poem. I like it!
However; I felt that it didn't flow so well in the third stanza. I think that omitting the word baby would help to correct this(my opinion), and give the reader the oppurtunity to determine what you're talking about on their own. Great Job.
However, there are three thing that I don't particularly like about this poem. First, I think that the opening is a bit weak and had this been a long day it would be pretty unlikely that i would have continued to this point and noticed that you've written a pretty good poem. Secondly, I think that you missed the rhyme scheme in the second stanza. Finally, I agree that you have a bit of a flow problem. i think it would help if you re-typed this poem with the flow in mind and see if you could make corrections that work for you.
Again thanks for sharing,
Princeday..oops I changed my pen name and can't remember what i changed it to. Arrg!
This is a very nice poem. I loved the style of this poem.
I felt that this poem had a very nice poem until it got to the line "And someone will finally here my screams." I believe that this line and the last line are both too long.
You also had a typo 'fallow', should be 'follow'.
Thanks for sharing. I'll be peering into your profile again shortly.
i tok a peek at your profile and I see that you enjoy to write about politics. I agree with this work. The values of the world and America are not where they should be. Thanks for daring to share. Keep writing!
This poem is good. I too hate to be surrounded by complete darkness. I loved your word choice and I felt the sincerity that this poem produce. Keep Writng!!
This is a beautiful poem. I particularly enjoyed lines 6-9, I think they come off well and place the reader in the situation.
I noticed that you use the exact same line "My heart is racing" on the second and tenth lines. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not, but I think the tenth line should be ommited.
I didn't comprehend, or see the relevance in the line that says "My peers begin to scream." I personally think that this line should be erased or replaced, as it is vague and meaningless.
I had to read this poem several times. The first time I read it i missed it's meaning. I believe that this is because your poem lacks puncuation. Although I believe that I figured out how your poem is supposed to read, I think that it would be clearer if you add commas and periods. They would help the reader find the rhythm that you would like your poem to be read to.
I'm not sure whether this poem is supposed to have a rhyme scheme, or if your words just happen to rhyme occassionally. Perhaps adding punctuation would help.
Wow! This poem is beautiful! I love your word choice.
I didn't really like the last line of the second stanza. I felt that it was to abrubt; however, that's just my opinion and you should take it with a grain of salt.
I also adore the way you created a mystery in this poem. From the first two stanzas I assume that maybe this poem is about suicide, but there's no way to be certain. I believe that good poetry does that to the reader; it leaves them fulfilled, but with a few questions. Thank you for sharing this lovely piece.
I like this poem. I love the way you started this poem. The first line speaks to me. However, I feel like the second line doesn't do a great job leading to the rest of the poem. Your poem is deep and meaningful, my only complaint is that it could be more structured. Thanks for sharing!
I would have given this poem a 5, but there are a few typos in it. this poem is very funny and it would be absolutely perfect if you proof-reaf it!! Thanks for sharing!
This is a good poem, Sue10k. I like that you wrote a poem to inspire your friend. My favorite part was "Grab a dream and make it real.
A good future you can steal."
Very good begining!
I noticed a few mistakes.
Line 11 "It may take You throw a long wile"
First off, I think that you shouldn't capitalize the "You".
Futhermore, I am not sure what this line means. I looked up the word "wile" for more insight.
wile
NOUN: 1. A stratagem or trick intended to deceive or ensnare.
2. A disarming or seductive manner, device, or procedure: the wiles of a skilled negotiator.
3. Trickery; cunning.
After looking this word up, I thought that maybe you wanted to say "It may take you through a wile." or "It may throw you a long wile.", I'm not sure.
Line 15 "Day By day"
I think you should uncapitalize the "By".
I kind of get the feeling that you wrote this alomst three years ago, but I hope you appreciate the review.
Good Job & Keep Writng,
The Prince
AKA David The Great.
This is a very good poem Lee S.. It abstract, I've never seen the like. I do have one suggestion about the form. I think that you should leave a blank line between the "yet" and the "So full..." lines.
"Yet,
So full of hope"
But that thought is without merit and should be considered as so. Just my opinion.
This is a very good poem. It Kept me on edge the whole way thru. At first, I thought it was just a poem you wrote to make a rhyme. Then, I thought you was a man who was impyling(sp) that women should be "easier". And when you struck the final blow I was pleasantly surprised how good a writer you are. I also like that you zizagged thru genders in this poem. I would have given you a 5, but you didn't use punctuation in some places that I thought you should've.
Very good thoughts! But, I disagree. I don't think that women lust after the flowers that we would give them, but that they appreciate the love and caring that we express by getting the flowers. Say you get a woman flowers, but make it clear that you don't care about her...See how she reacts...Tell Me.
This poem is good, but I don't think it is as good as the first poem of yours I read. I also love that you are able to address your fears, insecurities and feeling through your poetry. Keep on Writing and Sharing your work.
This is a pretty good piece of writing. Is it a prose? Well anyways I didn't find any grammar or puntuation errors, but I did think that a few of your sentences were kind of short, or small like an ant. It is direct and to the point, I like that, its almost poetic. Good Job.
Your essay caught my eye, for two reasons. First, I was relieved, being that I felt like such an idiot for getting involved with poetry.com. I wrote a very, very, very, and I stress, very bad poem and submitted it on poetry.com. And guess what? It was a semifinalist poem. When I wrote it I didn't realize how many misspelled word it had. When they sent my letter I was so proud. I went bragging to my mom, she read the poem, gave me a weird look and said is this contest for little kids. Point taken? The second reason is some time this month I read as article about poetry.com being a "con-site". I think I read it at circleofpoets.com (or something similar to that), and I thought I should direct you to it.
This is a very powerful poem. You could convince any parent to allow their children to debate with them.(By debate I don't mean disobey). I grew up in a household where if my parent told me to do something I did it no questions asked, but my father had no problem explaining his logic/reasoning for the actions he forced upon. While my mother was really into the "Because I Said So Parenting". See both sides I know and understand how encouraging your child to Speak Up is a wonderful Idea.
This is a very good story. Thank You for sharing.
I love it when an author chooses a topic that everyone can relate to. However, I haven't met either of my grandfathers, so I glad that your provided some of your memorys to help me when/if I become a grandfather.
Best Wishes and Continue To Write,
The Prince
This poem is pretty good, I usually perfer rhyming poems, but you did a nice job with this piece.
However, you do have a few misspelled words and grammer errors.
Line 3~ I maybe wrong, but I think "fullfill" is fulfill
Line 10~"sarfice" is sacrifice
Line 12~ You need a space after the comma and "recive" is receive (I before E except after C)
Line 13 & 14~ You have a double negative. (And willing to not expect Nothing (Anything) in return.)
Line 16~ Persistant is "perstistant"
Line 25~ Poverty is "provertry"
Line 37~ Space after the comma.
* I also think that you should use more puntuation to make it easier to read.
You are doing a good job, Keep Writing!
The Prince
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