*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/raenme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
603 Public Reviews Given
642 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 12 ... Next
226
226
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Let's just say that you've touch an emotional spot..

Well done and thank you
227
227
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting little tale you've told.

Good flow and smooth writing; you could turn this into a good Harlequin romance novel...

Dialog sounded a little squiddy to me. ;) Maybe a major malfunction....

Intersting that you were in Chu Lai in 66; so was I... in 65


semper fi
228
228
Review of Breaking Glass  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Enjoyed this piece.

A very well written story. Sentences flowed smoothly and transtitioned well. Very easy for the reader to fall into the writer's meaning.

Characterization was vivid and well placed. For any soldier that has seen combat; there is always that one moment he regrets.

Thank you fro sharing
229
229
Review of The Emerald Torch  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story with cute twist at the end.

Some sentence and spelling faux pas but nothing major, just something you'll pick up on a rewrite.

Sentences flowed nicely and transitioned well.

Good character development.

Descriptive background.

Enjoyed the reading, thanks for sharing
230
230
Review of The Last Crusader  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting read.

A little difficult to follow; much like random thoughts. This may be your intent.

My POV is to write sentences smoothly as a reader can easily match the writer's intent. However, I also believe that stinted sentences can also work if they add to the emotions of the piece.

Your Prologue begins with a strong paragraph.

Some grammar and puncutation problems that throw off sentence structure; something you'll pick up on rewrite, I'm sure.

Excellent close of chapter one.
231
231
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
Goes without saying, God has blessed you with talent.

Excellent piece
232
232
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Defintely a promising story.

Characters are believable and interesting.

I loved the opening ... Was I surprised that the detective was a woman..so surprised I had to read it a couple of times..I was so sure I missed something... It's a great opening!

Not sure about this, but I think you left me hanging at the end; but it's a great hook for the reader to want to turn to the next chapter...that is, if you're writing a novel.

Sentence flow is uneven, sometimes smooth, very smooth, then stilted, although stilted will work if you're trying to emphasize emotions.

Case in point:

The next day, walking towards the theater house, I went over the letter Todd Hunnicut had given me. :

I went over the letter Todd Hunnicut had given me the next day as I walked towards the theater house.

Suggestions and are only suggestions.

Preview your piece and correct any minor errors you may find before posting HINT: you won't find them all, we never do, that's why the common phrase is: " How'd I miss that?"

When posting use post and edit to insure you're piece is posted the way you want it.

Please space between paragraphs and dialog. (easier for us old people to read ;)....)

Don't depend on grammar and spell check as it tends to stifle creativity.

I enjoyed reading this piece and look forward to reading more of your work
233
233
Review of Down Home  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting and different beginning.

Some areas need tightening up, but not much.

I.E.
the place where she hid all her important documents, or were hidden from the man that abused her for over six years, now her ex-husband as of 3:07 yesterday afternoon.
the place where she hid all her important documents from the man that abused her for over six years, now her ex-husband as of 3:07 yesterday afternoon.

I like the flow of your writting.

Would suggest working on the "hook" that leads the reader into the story and the situation.

Also suggest you develop a prolgue

All in all I ejoyed reading your work, thanks for sharing
234
234
Review of Loved  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
A very good story with a nice, if predictable, conclusion.


the writing is stilted. Concentrate in creating smooth sentences whenever you can.

I.E.
But now I am thinking that I must call him. I must hear his voice, just to hear it. Even though we are on opposite ends of the country,

But now I am thinking that I must call him just to hear his voice; even though we're at opposite ends of the country, ...I need to hear his voice.

Three months later, when my boyfriend humiliated me by dumping me in front of all of my friends because he was tired of not getting what he wanted, Reid went to his house and punched him.

Three months later my boyfriend humiliated me by dumping me in front of all of my friends because he was tired of not getting what he wanted; that's when Reid went to his house and punched him

Before posting be sure to review your work and correct any errors you find.
When posting, use post and edit to insure your post is the way you want it to appear.

I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing.
235
235
Review of Sextilis  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A very good story and well told.

A few faux pas but nothing major and doesn't affect the story. (puncuation etc)

The writing is uneven, but in this case, it helps tell the story and draws the reader into the scene.

Excellent finish..it couldn't end any other way.

Again, enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing.
236
236
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
To make this an excellent poll, you need to include every President including our current one.


For the longest time, I thought the democrats couldn't select or elect a worse president than Jimmy Carter...then came Obama.

Boy was I wrong!
237
237
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
The GOOD

Enjoyed the read..defintely not what I expected.

A good written piece, though it makes your character seem more like a mild mannered office clerk with a wild imagination than a detective.

Plays like a tongue in cheek short story; I hope that's the way it was intended. ;)

The BAD

Introduction paragraph is weak... you need to remember that the intro paragraph needs to be strong to intice the reader to continue.

Thank you for sharing
238
238
for entry "Chapter 1" 
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The makings of an interesting story.

Writing is stilted and uneven.

Strong opening paragraph but needs to be rephrased or tightened up.

Just before dawn along the banks of the Patapsco River which ran past the old mill town of Ellicott City, just southwest of Baltimore, the little mill town that dates back to 1772, now in the year 2004 a local touristy town of antiques shops, small pubs and taverns. The ghostly figures of what appeared to be a young woman or what was a young woman, dances along the bank of the Patapsco. The woman stopped, turned and looks over her shoulder. About 15 yards behind her there is a figure of a man. The two figures move in unison with each other....

Rather:
Just southwest of Baltimore lay the old mill town of Ellicott City. Located on the banks of Patapsco River, Ellicott City began life as a mill in 1772.
Today, Ellicott City transformed into a tourist town filled with antiques shops and various quaint pubs and taverns. Two figures glided along the banks of the Patapsco. The woman stopped and glanced over her shoulder at the figure of a tall man. They joined and began dancing to the unheard sounds of music.

Work on writing smooth sentences that flow and transition well.

Don't depend on Grammar and Spell check as it tends to stifle creativity.

I like this story ...keep it up
239
239
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
This wa a very enjoyable read.

The writing was a bit uneven.

I.E.

Their houses was side by side and they had been best friends since birth. They decided it would be fun and something they could do before their summer vacation ended. But, they didn't realize that night they would be marked for life.

They had been neighbors and best friends since birth and they decided to do something fun before summer vacation ended. What they didn't realize was that they were in for the surprise of their lives.

Much the same with conversation:

"Ahh, would you to look at that! What a beautiful view with a river flowing like wild fire and no one around but us to enjoy it. This is all a man needs; A tent on a mountain away from civilization, and a river to swim and fish in."

Suggest working on writing your sentenes flow smoothly and transition logically.

Coversations need to sound believable. (normal) Be aware of your character's personna and be sure the dialog fits the character.

Before posting, be sure to review your work and eliminate minor errors such as spelling etc
Then post using post and edit so you can insure your post is viewed as you intended.

Overall a good story, thankk you for sharing
240
240
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A well told tale .

excellent flow, very smooth with good transititions

a few hiccups

He was just using you
Either way the choice is up to you
Anyway (numerous times)
unquiet
and you would not go very far wrong...

Enjoyed the reading with the little twist ending...

Thanks for sharing
241
241
Review of The Sewer Rat  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an Interesting story that probably could be worked out into a novel.

Good, strong introductory paragraph. My opinion would suggest some rephrasing to make it stronger.

Writing uneven but flows well.

Some tense problems. (We all make those)


It would be at least ten minutes before the cops would arrive. That is if he called the cops.
If he calls the cops, it would take them at least ten minutes to get here.

He was probably drunk and on his way home from the bar at this hour. But I could not chance it.
I couldn't chance that he was probably drunk and wouldn't call the cops.

Work on smooth flowing sentences; readers are more apt to stay with story.

Suggest not depending too much on Grammar and Spell check. The tendancy is to allow program to override your creativity.

All in all a good piece. Thanks for sharing.
242
242
Review of It Will be Me  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.0)
THE GOOD

This is a good short story written with a vivid imagination...The story kept me involved.

The introductory paragraph was strong and engaging and pressed me to read further.

THE BAD

Writing is uneven, stilted.
Concentrate on writing fluid sentences.

I.E.

Gregory took Peter’s hand and pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you for bring my baby back to me. She is all I have worth saving in this world. I’ve been blind and stubborn far too long. Tonight showed me that.” He stepped away looking sadly at Jamie. He simply nodded. “Let me get this out OK?”

Peter pulled his pad out and waited for Gregory to begin his story. An exhausted Jamie found the sofa as Gregory began.

“Jamie decided to set up some cameras to prove the problem was real; that someone else was coming in the yard. Then I felt it; I felt that someone was in the yard. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement; There was nothing I could do to help Jamie so I called the police. At first, I thought I was over reacting as I didn't notice any other movement. Then I spotted the shadows moving again; two large masses heading towards the shed door with what looked like sledge hammers. One whipped open the shed door and tossed something in then jumped back. There was a thunderous bang followed by a shock wave. One of them opened the door again and went in, the other stayed outside. A few minutes later, the one standing outside opened and closed the door; it must have been a signal because the other one came out and they both jumped the back fence. A few seconds later, you came running into the yard and headed straight for the shed....."

The short story seemed to have taken everything out of Gregory as he turned and sat down on the closest chair. .............

THE UGLY

Multiple errors throughout piece... This is due to our mind racing with ideas and our hands can't catch up...(I blame it on the keyboard myself. ;) ...)
Thus drestroying our sentence structure.

SUGGESTIONS

Don't let Grammar and Spell Check rule.....we don't speak the language correctly and neither do our readers... we don't, can't yeah, etc Very rare do we use can not and do not, etc.

When posting, use post and edit. Review your post to insure it's posted the way you want it. Space between paragraphs and dialog; also be sure to indent. Some readers will avoid reading pieces that just run on ala James Joyce.

Always try to paint a vivid picture to draw your reader in (but not as far as Anne Rice) as you want the reader to feel that they are in the scene and feeling the emotions of your character. (This is where the choice of words and wording come into play.)

Always review your pieces before submitting and correct the minor errors we all make. (You'll miss some...we all do ;) ) That: How'd I miss that! will become a common phrase that you'll say to yourself.

This site is a great site as you get a fresh pair of eyes that will see things you sometimes don't see.

Excellent story, thank you for sharing.
243
243
Review of Meeting Penelope  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
Enjoyable read thanks for sharing.
244
244
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent story and well written. I found only a couple of fauz pas but nothing that would ruin the story...

would suggest when posting, be sure to post and edit, so you can see that your piece post correctly.

Be sure to space paragraphs and dialogue. I.e.

As he closed the door, Doug added a final warning, “Don’t mess this – ten grand is the best deal you ever had.”

Ken growled at Jamie, “Ten! What ten? What envelope”

“Nothing, nothing. I’ll tell you later.”

“Now! Tell me now!” With his face turning red from fury instead of only booze, Ken pointed his gun at Jamie’s face.

It was obvious that Ken was a liability. What he learned now would not matter. Jamie needed to calm ken for now, “It’s the five grand advance. I’m holding it for us.”

Ken fired without word. Rage spoiled a point blank head shot, and Jamie crumpled spurting blood from his throat.

“Advance my ass!” Ken readied another shot as Jamie tried to hold his throat with one hand and fumble for his own gun with the other. His “why?” would not form "You mother-f……, Jamie! Doug told me that you’d made a deal for the .....

Very well written...
245
245
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good beginning, just a few faux pas but nothing major....

Joe shook his head up and down not saying a word.

Rather: Joe just shook his head up and down

A few others that need tightening up...but you'll catch those on rereads.

Good writing.
246
246
Review of From the Shadows.  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
On the positive side:

Reads like a prologue... could be the beginnings of a novel.

On the negative side:

Sentence structure a bit stilted.

You wrote:.....Nervously, she ran her finger around the rim of her Bloody Mary. Her piercing green eyes peered around the bar ‘Phillis.’ I caught her glance and smirked slightly, tipping the edge of my trilby hat towards her. She did not return my kindness and stared blankly back....

Rather:....It was another smoke filled night at Phillis's bar when I saw her. She ran her finger around the rim of her Bloody Mary as her piercing green eyes darted around the room as if she were looking for someone. I caught her glance and tipped the brim of my Trilby Fedora. She responded with a blank, who the hell are you, kind of stare.

Grammar and spell check are okay but don't depend on them as it tends to stifle creativity. Write the way you want your characters to speak.

Paint a picture so that your reader feels that they are there. Your mind knows what it wants to say so write it down because your reader doesn't.

If you flesh this out and use it as a porlogue; end with:
I opened the piece of paper, intrigued as to what might be written on it....and leave the rest for the first chapter.

All in all a good concept...keep writing.
247
247
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
Understand that this is just an opinion with suggestions.

On the positive side.

Writing is smooth and fluid with nice transititions.
Story sounds interesting.

On the negative side.

Introduction paragraph, Strong but you've just about given away your plot or story. Way too much information.

Suggestions:

I hadn’t gotten any new texts from my dead little friend but.....
With this line you could expand it into a prologue:

A prologue is a short piece written to whet the appetitie of the reader that makes the reader want to continue to the first chapter.

I.E. A teenage girl, sitting someplace in school, say during lunch, receives a text, she texts back questioning who this person is who is texting her....This goes on for a few days, maybe around the same time and always when she is alone...finally, he gives her his name and asked for her help.... help with what?

Of course your piece would be fleshed out leading the reader to want to read your book.

The rest of the paragraph could be fleshed out into quite a few chapters...

Your dialogue is excellent..when you post be sure to post and edit to make sure that you space between paragraphs and dialogue sequences. Easier for readers..

DINGGGG-DONGGGG ...... No....
Rather I rang the bell and waited...

Always remember that you want to evoke emotions from the reader, that is, make the reader feel like they're experiencing what's going on in the story.. I.E. If you're writing a thriller, the reader must feel that they are in danger...etc

All in all I like what you've done. Keep writing.
248
248
Review of A Long Night  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Great read...it kept me going until the end... possibilities here to expand into a novel...

Couple of fauz pas that you missed during reread but nothing major and they didn't affect the story.

Don't rely on grammar and spell check, it has a way of messing the flow with it's ....can not instead of can't. etc...it also stilts creativity.

Excellent writing.
249
249
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Not sure where this piece was going and wasn't sure what the story was about...

You do have the ability to write and write well.

Suggetion..Please post and edit your post so that dialog and paragraphs are spaced... i.e.¨

i don't care¨, Veronica exclaimed flipping her luscious blonde hair,

Ms. Smith seemed frustrated at Veronica, ¨but that will hurt¨, she said trying to reason with Veronica.

Veronica breathed and sighed, ¨I don't care¨, she said getting a little louder,

¨how will you not when your head is chopped of your body Veronica¨, Ms. Smith yelled clearly angry, Ms. Smith clenched her teeth waiting for a response.

Veronica rolled her eyes and blinked five times, ¨excuse me Ms. Smith I'm on the phone...so disrespectful¨, Veronica yelled flipping her hair back revealing her cell phone,

Ms. Smith sighed used to Veronica being well Veronica.

The bell rung and Veronica, got up and left not waiting for dismissal, her heels clacked as she walked and everyone in the hall moved out her away fearing to get in three feet of the pink princess.

¨Where is my nail filer person¨, Veronica yelled getting frustrated she started breathing more heavily, scared her nails will get ugly. A slightly obese girl ran up to Veronica with a nail filer, ¨hi nail filer person¨, Veronica screeched happily, the nail filer girl smiled, her short blonde hair moving as she walked could not compare to Veronica's...and Veronica knew this.

As she walked she watched as boys sputtered over her, she enjoyed that part especially you could not get boys to do that from her home planet, only humans acted so...human. ¨Nail filer person can you help me with something¨, Veronica asked, sounding very happy which she was almost aways,

¨yes Ms.Veronica¨, the nail filer person responded.

¨Can you get out my face right about...now¨, Veronica retorted laughing at her own joke, the nail filer person quickly dispersed, Veronica wiped her forehead to her it felt like she's been walking for ages.

A girl similar to Veronica ran up the hall, her heels clattered loud Veronica spied Tiffany and knew it was an emergency, Tiffany had switched to her flats, ¨code 9 oh no¨, Veronica nearly fell out, how can this happen? Tiffany finally reached Veronica,

Tiffany nodded and shook her feet no wanting to say things aloud, ¨we'll have to destroy her completely¨, Veronica announced and Tiffany knew what will happen next Veronica will start a war, a war that has been predicted for the longest...THE WAR OF THE BRUNETTES.

Suggestion: Dot your i's and cross your t's (use puncutation correctly etc.)

Reread your work before posting and make corrections as neccessary.

Please understand that creative writing also means rewriting over and over again until your satisfied with your piece.

Keep writing.
250
250
Review of Share God  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was a good minister...It is simple....

Only one correction #4 We repent from sin and don’t go back on our word. We repent our sins and try not to commit them again...but even if we do, always remember God loves you and...best of all...He understands.

Atheists will never get it and never understand the meaning of true happiness...
298 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/raenme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10