Right, Opus 40 was based on Henri Cazallis poem, I think , translated was "Dance of the Dead" Don't quote me on that, though. If I remember correctly, the poem was based on an old superstition about the devil showing up on halloween and making the dead dance while he played his instrument of some sort, then the dead have to go back until the next halloween, then it goes on into some other things...when you get old, you tend to lose all those things you learned in school. Believe it or not, this is very big in the Latin countries; another reason to love the good ole US of A.
Great flow and very rythmic ...but don't quote me on that , cause I'm not a poet.
Interesting story and a very chilling story as I remember my wife having a life like child Elizabeth Taylor doll that stood about three feet tall. One night , when my wife was out of town, our alarm system motion detectors would go off, and I'd get out of bed and search the house. Contact the alarm company and tell them everything was fine. The alarm went off three times that night and each time I looked at the doll, I could swear that the doll had moved just a bit from it's orginal position.
Introductory paragraph should be stronger to draw reader to continue reading.
Try to write flowing sentences as short sentences tend to stop the reader from understanding emotionally (fear, love, suspense, terror) what the writer intends to project.
Characterizations need to be fuller so the reader can identify with the character.
This is a sad/happy tale that ends well, much like Wuthering Heights or the Ghost and Mrs Muir. Though the role reversal in this story is the male is the spirit as it is in Ghost and Mrs Muir.
Excellent opening paragraph that drew the reader into the story.
Sentences flowed well and tranistioned smoothly taking the reader into the story with very well paced tempo.
An interesting short story more like a recollection of a very bad dream.
Opening paragraph has content that needs to be rephrased so that it flows smoothly and draws the reader into the next paragraph. It is import to remember that your opening paragraph is your most important one, as this is what the teases the reader to continue reading.
Second paragraph flows smoothly and is stronger as it begins to paint a picture that the reader can start to feel what the writer intends. This is important to remember as your intent is to always make the reader feel as they are experiencing what your protagonist is feeling. Accomplish that and the reader will continue reader, otherwise you lose them.
Short stories don't have to be short. Build your suspense or fear gradually (tempo) so that the reader can enjoy the tingle going up their spine. (That's why they read these types of stories)
Some typos.
Always review your piece before posting to eliminate minor errors. You won't catch them all, but will help get better reviews.
strong introductory paragraph that brings the reader into the story.
Excellent imagery made reader aware of the surroundings.
Characterization good. Character believable.
dialog good, but, if Japan... how does one handle this? How to express to reader these are Japanese police, other than intro statement? Tough one.
To me, this reminded me of the McDonald, the ghost hunter series where McDonald would always meet with a circle of friends and relate an experience he had.
I enjoyed this read very much as it brought back memories of my life in parochial school; I had an uncle that was a Jesuit priest.
Good strong opening paragraph
Setencing smooth and fluid that transitioned well and set the imagery. I almost felt that I was looking down the line, waiting for my turn.
Characterizations perfect....been there in front of Mother Superior and bent over a few times.
Dialog...need I say more? I almost remembered Sister's voice. Arrgh!
I also remembered the first love of my life, ( seventh grade) I've long forgotten her name, but she was a stone fox! She was also a Maryknoll Sister, but that black habit didn't hide nothing! Noserreebob!
This is an interesting read that is more of a love story than a war story.
Good, strong, introductory paragraph
Good development of sentence structure.
Sentences flow smoothly and transition well.
Quite a bit of missing punctuation.
Some minor grammar errors and typos
He stood at the edge of the bridge that (lead)him home...should be led
but the battles they fought were short( live) for........ should be lived
men were died ????
readying( there) weapons
The errors that i came across does not reflect on your writing skills, on the contrary, you have excellent skills and a vivid imagination!
Yeah; too bad for this pilot; had the manufacturers of the Zero known better, they'd known that all the best things are made in China, just ask Wal-Mart.
Would suggest when posting to post and edit to make sure pieceis posted the way you want it to appear to other readers.
Place spacing between paragraphs and dialog as this helps reader differentiate between characters and story flow.
I.E.
I felt the sudden chill on the back of my neck...mother.
¨Don't you want to help me dumpling?¨, she asked, her voice sounding like the wind, I nodded, I wanted to help her, ¨then kill him¨, she screeched.
I swung the hammer, in till it met it's target, i felt relief wash over me as I saw the blood dripping the floor. ¨Did I help mother?¨, i asked hopefully, i felt the chill on the back of my neck increase,
¨no you foolish child, you must help me more¨, she screeched,
i felt the chilling disappear, she was mad at me, mommy was mad at me again
I preface this that I am not skilled enough to write poetry; only a very select few are blessed with that skill. It appears that you are among those select few.
Words flow smoothly
Imagery excellent
Would consider or suggest changes or rephrasing these lines:
...But no, not in this instance.
Some bet, some stupid bet,
And my mind began to change
And this word: spend...you might consider using spent
Other than that...excellent
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