I found this to be a very good piece of work and well told.
Poening paragraph is good and could be better if you remove the spaing between the first paragraph and the second paragraph/line; as the last line also gives the hook.
Sentencing a little bit stilted, though this may be the writer's intent. Personally, I'd prefer longer, more fluid sentencing.
Good short story that evokes anger, maybe a methaphor for something else...hmmmm.
Good strong opening paragraph
Sentence structure pretty good, but could be better with some rephrasing.
I began to study my face, every inch covered in a thick layer of makeup to mask every discoloration or flaw that lay beneath
My face, another facade, thickly painted to to mask every discoloration or flaw.
I too, was blessed with the oportunity to walk the course at Augusta, courtesy of a member, while the pros were playing a practice round. I never miss the Masters, even though TV cannot do justice to the beauty of the course.
I'll give you that. Understand that my own position is, "If a man thinks he's the king of the castle; he should think again,"
But in the bible, When God create man and named him Adam; he create a woman, and named her Eve..... Now every thing was fine in the garden of eden, no problems, no complaints...then God made his only mistake; He said, "Speak, woman, speak!" .... and she ain't shut up yet... ;)
This is a beautiful, heartwarming story and very well written. Good, flowing sentences brought the reader into the story and kept the reader there until the final, very happy conclusion.
There is nothing written here I would sugest changing. Enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing
Now this is what I call an enjoyable read. A little bit of a take off on those old who done it's of the '30s and '40s. Most famous of these were the "Thin Man" series.
Introductory paragraph needs to be strong, as here is where you need to draw the reader into the story with a hook. A hook is something that makes the reader think, "now what?"
Good sentences, but try to utilize more fluid sentencing, if you can, won't always happen, but fluid sentencing makes it easier to draw the reader into the story. Your goal is always to make the reader feel they are part of the story and are going through the same emotional experience. Fail here and you lose the reader.
Characterizations are believable
Dialog is good. Be sure to match dialog with your characters. Not all characters speak the same way.
Tempo suffers from the use of too many short sentences. Try rephrasing some areas and read them to yourself to see if they flow more rythmically.
Obviously, you're a talented writer; your ability shows in this piece.
Here's something I picked up a while back that may help you with writing short stories.
Structuring the Short Story
Seven-Point Plot Outline for Genre Short Stories:
The Beginning
1. Character -- someone the reader can experience the story through
2. Conflict/problem (the "collision idea") -- the presenting problem in the story is not always the true
conflict of the story, but it works best if it's related somehow.
3. Setting (where most newbie writers are very weak)
The Middle
4. Character tries to solve the problem
5. Character must fail (not for stupid reasons, though) and things must get worse (even better if the
well-meaning actions of the character make it worse)--this is the most common plot development
that beginners miss.
The End
6. Climax - character tries to solve the problem again (and either fails or succeeds--either outcome
is valid)
7. Validation (shows that the story is over)
--Writers can violate these rules only if they're very good writers and know what the rules are that they're
breaking. Mainstream short stories will often have no beginning and no end (or, they're implied), but these
7 points are almost mandatory with genre stories.
Though I like the writing and it's obvious emotional impact; this does not feel lieka short story, rather, feels more like a beginning of a chapter or a prologue.
Intorductory paragraph need to be stronger to lead the reader into the story and to continue reading (hook)
Sentencing is good, but could be better. Easier to draw reader into the emotional impact that you intend with fluid sentencing.
character believable..maybe a young teen going through that angst we all suffered at least once in our youth.
Your writing gives insight to your talent. Below I've added the basics for short story writing.
Structuring the Short Story
Seven-Point Plot Outline for Genre Short Stories:
The Beginning
1. Character -- someone the reader can experience the story through
2. Conflict/problem (the "collision idea") -- the presenting problem in the story is not always the true
conflict of the story, but it works best if it's related somehow.
3. Setting (where most newbie writers are very weak)
The Middle
4. Character tries to solve the problem
5. Character must fail (not for stupid reasons, though) and things must get worse (even better if the
well-meaning actions of the character make it worse)--this is the most common plot development
that beginners miss.
The End
6. Climax - character tries to solve the problem again (and either fails or succeeds--either outcome
is valid)
7. Validation (shows that the story is over)
--Writers can violate these rules only if they're very good writers and know what the rules are that they're
breaking. Mainstream short stories will often have no beginning and no end (or, they're implied), but these
7 points are almost mandatory with genre stories.
Well, all the elements for a short story are here.
The beginning: Introductory paragraph, character, confilct or problem
The middle: character trys to solve the problem and fails
The end: character trys to solve the problem again; giving us the climax and validation
Now the problem:
The use of short sentencing tends to stop the reader from being drawn into the story and experiencing the powerful emotional experience; which is the writers intent. If you fail to create these emotions (love, hate, fear, suspense) in a reader, then you have failed.
Most instructors believe that if your sentences flow smoothly, from sentence to sentence, the reader will feel that they identify or understand what the writer is expressing.
I.E.
you wrote:
I couldn't hear any animals in this forest, and there were no trodden paths. It was just soil and black charred trees. It seemed to go on forever, I couldn't see anything other than these trees. At least I could remember who I was, Anna Nurving, I lived in China.
Reads like:
I couldn't hear any animals in this forest,
and there were no trodden paths
It was just soil and black charred trees
It seemed to go on forever
I couldn't see anything other than these trees.
At least I could remember who I was,
Anna Nurving
I lived in China
It was just soil and black charred trees. It seemed to go on forever, I couldn't see anything other than these trees
I looked out into a vast ocean of charred trees that seem to go on forever.
You've shown that you have the imagination and talent to write; all that's left is the bane of all scribes... rewrite.
after reading this, I assume that english is a second language; if I'm wrong, my apologies.
In all written pieces, the prologue must be strong and garner the reader's curiosity to continue reading. To accomplish this, your writing must be fluid and transition into the portion.
I.E.
You wrote: The railway platform was overflowing with an ocean of humanity. The trains arrived and departed. Thousands of busy people were rushing around... This reads like this:
The railway platform was overflowing with an ocean of humanity
The trains arrived and departed
Thousands of busy people were rushing around.
The three sentences do not sound connected.
Rather: The railway platform overflowed with humanity as thousands of people rushed to places unknown; among these teeming thousands, walked Abhimanyu Sen, a briefcase in hand. He strolled along a deserted portion of the railway platform to pass the time as his train wasn't due for another half hour.....
You have the concept of writing short stories, most people attempting to write, haven't accomplished this. The difficulty here is when learning grammar, you are taught "perfect grammar". Unfortunately, when writing stories, perfect grammar tends to stop your creativity.
For you, you have the imagination and the talent to write and write well. Now, the question is, how do you transition this into writing in the english language.
Again, if I have erroneously stated that english is your second language; I apologize.
Difficult to assess your writing without knowing something about you. Please post a brief bio; a little information about yourself will go a long way.
Your writing shows potential, but we need to get you on track. First, utilize the spell check and grammar program; this will point out the obvious errors that can be corrected before you post. There are some instances where you'll disregard the program, but you're not there yet.
Here is a basic outline for short story writing, regardless of genre.
Structuring the Short Story
Seven-Point Plot Outline for Genre Short Stories:
The Beginning
1. Character -- someone the reader can experience the story through
2. Conflict/problem (the "collision idea") -- the presenting problem in the story is not always the true
conflict of the story, but it works best if it's related somehow.
3. Setting (where most newbie writers are very weak)
Middle
4. Character tries to solve the problem
5. Character must fail (not for stupid reasons, though) and things must get worse (even better if the
well-meaning actions of the character make it worse)--this is the most common plot development
that beginners miss.
The End
6. Climax - character tries to solve the problem again (and either fails or succeeds--either outcome
is valid)
7. Validation (shows that the story is over)
--Writers can violate these rules only if they're very good writers and know what the rules are that they're
breaking. Mainstream short stories will often have no beginning and no end (or, they're implied), but these
7 points are almost mandatory with genre stories.
Good short story with nice prologue that brings the reader into reading on.
Prologue could be stronger so as to whet the appetite of the reader to want to read furthur. This is a key to writing,; whether a prologue or novel. the introductory paragraph needs to entice the reader enough to make them want to read on. Always keep that in mind.
Good fluidity in your sentences and they transition well. Also a key; to keep the reader interested, you need to make the reader feel as if they are experiencing the same as the protagonist. Fail at this and you lose your reader.
Punctuatuion and grammar: You missed a quite a few areas where punctuation would have helped the piece. Okay to use the spell check and grammar program to check for areas that you might have missed; BUT, don't rely on it, as there comes a time when an incorrect phrase or punctuation helps accentuates your point or emotion; when this happens leave it. If it doesn't, fix it.
A very good comment on the whys and wherefores and, unfortunately, the conclusion remains the same. I, for one, am a believer in the hereafter, mostly due to personal experiences. Most, that cannot be tested with electronic eqyuipment:, as being alone in my home and watch my parlor pocket doors move from being completely closed to completely open, in a manner that suggested a person was opening them.
I have repeatedly thought of having the home investigated and have be rebuffed by noted paranormal investigators; including an author of numerous books on hauntings and a university group.
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