Intensely personal, an autobiography perhaps....flows well and stumbles by intent...that that burns the brightest, burns the shortest.. A hard piece to read for anyone that has suffered a heartbreak..
very well written. Only problems I see are those that you'll pick up on re-write.. very minor
Excellent piece and extremely well written.. You've included just enough tech to make it believable and your dialog works well. Some touch up but nothing you won't catch on rewrite. You probalby should concentrate on developing your protagonist more...readers would like to identify with lizabeth.
This is the beginning of a great story...your intro is weak but not so weak it can't be fixed... Think more like an intro to a movie...first the wide screen shot..the hero at the bar...the bartender wiping up, a .few regulars chatting in a corner etc. Then closeup to your protagonist Grey...you become Grey and describe what you see to the reader.
I'm your reader...answer this...Why does Grey like the Das bar... What is a 'plain" bartender... rather "She wasn't much to look at, her nose was a trifle too big for her face and her eyes, though hazel, I liked hazel eyes, were just a tad too narrow to satisfy Grey. But just she had a bounce to her, a little bounce to her hair, a twinkle of a bounce in her eyes, yeah, she bounced alright, everything about her bounced...probably a great bouncy f--k!
Again the image is weak... paint a picture of his place...this gives the reader some insight to your character...i.e.," He shivered as he walked into his apartment..." It was a one bedroom walkup that had seen better days; better days before his lifetime. The shiver reminded him that he forgot to pay...blah blah blah..
Is your character down and out..half way between being a drunk...another broken marriage etc... readers want to know the juicy details...give it to them.
Now your dialog is great.... “I was yellin at my boy for poking around the neighbor’s yard when he started screamin. Now, I thought he was hollerin at me so I went to whack him one good when he pointed to the dumpster. So, yea that’s when I called you guys.” Her voice echoed in his memory. This line immediately had me thinking here was a dishwater blond with black roots that needed a touch up two montha ago, wearing a strap summer dress with one strap hanging down, full breasted and no bra on. A cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth etc...
An enjoyable read for sure. You have three sections here, any of which can be used for a prologue and I'd suggest that you consider the middle one, that is, the 9-1-1 call with the officer responding as a prologue then go into Evangline getting her shield as chapter one.
The inclusion of the priest so early would lead me to believe that the priest is either a villain, suspect, alternate hero character. I would probably suggest you hold off in bringing the priest in, unless he plays a major role in helping the detective, until later in the book...this would keep the reader guessing and, therefore, turning pages.
Some stilted passages that look like merely the sriter's rush to put down the thought and can be cleaned up during a re-write...nothing major; but all in all, your writing flows smoothly and kept me glued to the page...
You have the basis of a good story and obviously you have the ability to write and write well. The difficulty in writing a short story is that you must paint your picture with a minimum of words.
Phill began to quiver of coldness as the message sank into the tree. He ran inside to sit on the furniture. He kept to hisself so his darling wouldn't get scared. He just was so terrified of what happened. The two remained quiet about their encounters. They both just were very talkitive, but when it came to this, they didn't want themselves looking like clowns.
Rather; Shivers of fear raced up Phil's back as he watched the message fade into the oak tree. Phil retreated into the house; neither he nor Jan spoke of their encounter. Weeks passed as Jan and Phils hope that the strange occurances would end faded. One night as Phil and Jan sat in the kitchen, each confessing to one another the experiences they had endured; the lights began to flicker, then a voice that seemed to surround them, boomed in a deafening roar, "GET OUT!!"
Work on choosing your words that will amplify what you want to convey ... in this case, you want to scare your reader with as few words as possible... not easy to do, but you're on the right track..
Keep it up...
The writing is good; it flows well and very easy to read. (excellent from a reader's point of view!)
Assuming Mick is your protagonist; you're painting him as anti-anything; now explain why. I.e. Mick couldn't let go of his failed marriages and hisanger blamed everyone within earshot. He was a typical cop, his only true marriage was to his partner and his job and Mick hadn't adjusted to it... not yet.
Explain why two detectives are at a routine accident or, for that matter, why is the police chief there? Neither detectives nor police chiefs are ever at accidents. Police chiefs are administrators and haven't been on the street for at least 20 years. Detectives handle major crimes only i.e. Robbery, homicide, bunko et al.
When you graduate from the academy, you are assigned to a training officer, who you ride with for a minimum of two years; after that time , the training officer will determine whether or not you stay on the force. In other words, you will not see a bunch of rookies at a routine accident.
Once they were alone, Charlie confronted Mick... Add suspense as....Charlie yanked his partner to one side ...“What the hell was that?” “What was what?” "Don't give me that crap, Mick!"
When you're assigned to a precinct or division (what we called them in California) Your division is responible for a certain sector of the city; now that's every one from the uniforms (partrol officers) to the detectives. The type of job you do depends on the relationship you have with others in your division. Attitude will get you shunned, no one wants to ride with you, backup is a little slow to respond etc. Not a good thing... you can use this...Maybe Mick needs to ride alone.
My partner and I were together for over 18 yrs, longer than any of our marriages, we could finish each other's sentences. This happens when you ride with someone for over 12 hours a day six or seven days a week then spend your off time together.
My suggestions and they are just suggestions.
Flesh Mick out more...explain why he is the way he is...Same for Charlie, why does he stand by Mick? Why are two detectives, probably homicide but not necessarily, at a routine accident?
Explain why the detectives are at the scene... i.e. "....the deceased are a marrried couple by the name of Patrick...." "James and Ellen." Mick cut in. The uniform stared at Mick. "I'll call the chief, she'll want to know." Charlie turned away from the group as he punched in the chief's number...her private number. Shit! Mick thought, this wasn't the way it was supposed to go down....
Build suspense, make the reader want to keep on reading...
Make you dialog more realistic i.e....That outburst back there!” Charlie cried. “Don’t make me go therapist on you.”.......rather "What the F..k was that shit?" Charlei grabbed a fistful of jacket. "Don't make me go off on your ass!"
As I said before, my partner and I were together a long, long time which is typical and the same is true for uniforms who ride together..We're pretty much married to each other and we act like it.
Remember that genre readers are very tech knowledgeable so you need to be too. If you've never done it; contact your local police department and ask to go on a ride along...friday or saturday nights are the best times.
Excellent writing and a rough prologue. Your writing flows well, very smooth and makes for good reading. a couple of hiccups but nothing major.
...The fog lingers just out of reach of the surrounding wood covering the field, heavy, thick, like something out of a Universal Pictures horror movie.... painting the field a morose gray, heavy and thick....
Detective = gold shield... he wore his gold shield just 72 hours... readers will not identify with 76 hours.. Veteran detective has a trainee..not uncommon...trainees are used as runners, for mudane work, "Anything I can do?" "Coffee. Black. Two Krispy cremes...hurry!"
Where is the witness? Crime scene tape? Pay attention to details..genre readers do.
This is the first chapter I have read and I like it. It flows well and is an easy read. Only one hiccup and I don't know if it's intended or if I've read it wrong
...he job is ordering a drink that says he’s a sensitive man that needs a little shot of caffeine from a late night or early morning of work. The job is a happy man who is no way subtly flirting with the teen girl behind the counter... should this be athe beginning of a new paragraph?
Should the dream sequence be a chapter of it's own?
I enjoy your style of writing...very smooth...interwoven... will be reading your other chapters
I'm not sure how to say this but I'll try... The beginning, that is, the section about Anna needs to be developed. If you're going to put your reader into the shoes of Anna and in still in them the fear she is experiencing, you need to use more words than just darkness... i.e., moist, pungent, blackness that draped her...she could almost taste the vile heat that premeated her surroundings...
How do you only blink twice?
...Trying and failing to slow her now racing heart she breathed in and out very slowly and deeply, then for the first time realized that there was heavy tape covering her mouth...Rather...She gasped for breath only to realize that there.......her heart raced in fear...she had no hope ....
Anna and Danny...Ken and Barbie? Will your reader's identify? Was Anna a reasonably attractive dirty blonde with limpid blue eyes speckled with just a hint of green and Danny, a rather handsome young man in a rugged sense of the word with his jet black hair that he wore rather longish and that curled just so right over his eyes, those deep, penetrating brown eyes. And that smile, that cocky, I know something you don't smile, that melted her heart...
...She began to feel the familiar sense of relief wash over her as the blood started to drip on the rusty metal floor beneath her bare feet... Why relief? Does she have a plan?
Where your intro with Anna seems strained and stilted; your section with Inspector James flows well as if you are more comfortable writing this area. This section is smooth and needs only to review it and make changes that'll make it flow even better.
My suggestion would be to use the Anna section as a prologue (after you rewrite) A good prologue whets the appetite of the reader. Then the James section as Chapter one, he's more than the typical cop, marriage/relationships failed, tied to his job which is his only real relationship...in the back of his mind he contemplates suicide. He's bitter, he's frustrated and he fears he may or has become his father.... (All of this I got from what you wrote.)
I like this period. My only suggestion is to rewrite the opening paragraph, it's a weak. Other than that your writing flows well and I easily got caught up into the story. (very good). I would suggest to take the time to break down your dialogue. I realize that when we post, our format doesn't copy over...every time I post I have to subnit and edit, then go through it to reset my paragraphs and dialogues. (It jus t makes it easier to read.)
Like I said before I like this PERIOD! This has all the makings of a great story..
For your first time, your dialogue works well. It is smooth and flows. Yo might want to work in some interruptions...I'm sure as a parent, you've had those... The kid yanking on your trousers etc....
" As I was saying, Jim wanted to...."
"Daddeeeee! I have to go to the bathroom!"
Good makings of a story here. Writing is a little stilted in that it doesn't flow smoothly in spots. I would suggest changing Freeman from being your protagonist's partner to another detective from the same homicide unit. Partners, whether it be in uniform or as detectives are like brothers only closer; you have to depend on your partner to cover your back. My partner and I were together for over 18 years and I was closer to him than I was to any of my ex wives. (not a joke). You need to explain why Scheck is there...has he been assigned as lead investigator etc etc? It works like this...someone discovers the body or bodies, they call 911. Dispatch sends out a black and white (patrol car) to verify, the unit calls in Homicide, homicide does a cursory check, orders the uniforms (patrolmen) to secure an area around the scene so as not to contaminate any possible evidence, homicide calls in CSI...someone in charge of homicide assigns a team (2 person) with one of the team members as lead and assigns another team as backup. If it gets hairy, multiple killings, serial killings etc...then you get task forces together...
Genre readers are usually pretty sharp on details so make sure you dot your i's and cross your t's...do some research and contact your local police force and see if you can go on a ride along so you can pick up some inside info. i.e. 10-100 means dead body. Ride alongs are usually with a patrol unit (uniforms).
I like the way you make Scheck sound...good writing..
You have the makings of a good detective story, however, as in all noir genre, the vocabulary needs to fit ala Hammett, Spillane etc. I.e. you wrote: "...It all started that night. Hi, I am Lou Ryan I am a small time private investigator barely making ends meet..." Rather: It started that night; my name's Lou Ryan, private eye, That's right, a gumshoe, shamus ... I hustle for a sawbuck, fin or c-note to cover last month's rent or last month's pleasure. Home's a cot and hot plate I stash in my closet over there. ... I was busy downing some of Chicago's best bathtub gin when this dame came busting into .... Vinnie's a small time wannabe and he wanted to be Capone...Capone just got busted by the feds on an income tax rap so Vinnie figgered to move up a notch...
genre readers are usually pretty sharp on tech items... i.e. silencers don't work on revolvers, usually set up on automatics...in the twenties and thirties..if he carried a gat, it was usually a .38 snub nose or a .45 auto..most chose the Colt .45 1911 auto as they were in abundance after WWI.
As I said before vernacular is very important in this genre, you can watch the movie Blue Dahlia with Alan Ladd or Borgart in the Maltese Falcon or the Big Sleep,; they utilize a lot of slang appropriate for the era.
Throw out correct grammar..incomplete sentences, run-ons etc are the norm...it's the way people talk...dialog is usually short and sharp almost sarcastic with very few long verses.
Private eyes usually have at least one personal contact with the police department, usually a homicide detective preferably someone in charge of the unit.
A very well written piece. Always a plus when the read flows and this read flows very well. My only concern is the last (closing paragraph); it seems a little weak when compared to the rest of the piece. The twist ending does compare to an O. Henry or Twilight Zone piece,But as I stated before, I think it needs to be stronger.
Great beginning and a great chapter. Your writing is smooth, silky smooth and your story literally pulls the reader on. This will be a great book for young readers, preteens probably. I hope you complete this story. I definitely follow this story.
Re-write-remove the cliche "It was a dark and stormy night" change "castle-like house" nothing wrong with mansion. I'm assuming you are writing a parody of all the film noir genre of the late 30's and 40's. Take a look or read the Thin Man series or watch the movies of the same name with William Powell and Myrna Loy...at lot of tongue in cheek reparte.
This could work out very well but you need to be careful with your phrasing. Keep your dialog brief and sharp.
In this chapter your writing style changed. I don't know if it's due to not doing a re-write,but the writing becomes stilted and doesn't flow like your first chapter. I always say write like we speak, i.e. contractions are a norm: didn't as opposed to did not etc. "The smoother the flow, the easier the read, the easier the read, the better the chance the reader will turn the page."
I like the way the story is headed. It's following a natural build of suspense and you've let a few hints to let the reader know that maybe something, other than what's being told, is going to happen.
Apparently, the system wouldn't allow me to copy a section and make suggested changes as an example then paste it back here.
Dispite the problems, I like the story and will follow your work on this..
If this is a prologue, it's a good one...I would like to see your verbal picture painted with more futility and fear. Your content flows well and is an easy read so fleshing out this piece should delevop the reader's sense of foreboding. There's just enough "almost info" that makes, me, the reader, question what's going on, where are they etc; Also good because it wants me to get to chapter one. Would like to see where you're going with this..keep it up.
First off, I like to concept and this concept could be fleshed out to tug at the reader's heart. My main sugguestion would be to forget perfect english, we don't speak english perfectly; we, more often than not, fracture the language, so write the way you speak, let it flow. Have you ever noticed that there's a rythm to the way we speak? The same with writing, it needs to flow smoothly. A reader that stumbles when they are reading will not want to continue reading; but if the writing is smooth, the reader will just continue turning pages.
I.e. you wrote: Wait! What was happening? Where did they go? But we would normally say Wait! what's happening? Where'd they go? or He saw them – his wife and his daughter – bending over his body…in the morgue, lifeless; could be He saw his wife and daughter bending over his body. That was his body and ... and HE was in the morgue! He was dead not Marie! They lay a single white rose on his chest. She kissed his blue lips and Angela patted his shoulder or Marie gently placed a single white rose on his chest then bent and softly kissed his now cold blue lips. Angele placed her hand on his shoulder, a tear fell....
The bane of all writers is the re-write...And there's always more than one...re-write that is..
Excellent read. A kind of futuristic tale told in a film noir genre, this can work well but may offend some purists. The " high-pitch whine of the stranger’s pistol charging... ' line through me off for a second but the dialogue is great as it flows well which is a key to keep reader's glued to the story. A great ending to the chapter as it wants me to turn the page.
I think the dialogue works well and is excellent, however, in the film noir genre, you'll notice that the dialogue is much tighter with quick repartes between characters; you might want to lok at this during reread, but again the dialogue as you have it now works well as it is.
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